Sinking In...

Very slowly I am realizing that all my frosties are gone...

I am starting all over.

No guarantee of maybe babies frozen in time . . .

I can't believe none of them are my baby. . .

Not one . . .

Can I do this again...

What if IVF/ISCI #2 ends up the same way?

How much can one person take?

There is no more hope for the 12. They're all gone. I wonder what happened to my last three underachievers? How did they end? Were they treated with dignity? With respect? The potential for human life. Were they flushed down the sink with the technician's cold Starbucks? Did they know I believed in them? Did they know I loved them?

Why didn't I let them die in my womb? Why did they have to die in that cold dish?

My pastor says there is grace and forgiveness.

I am not worried about forgiveness.

I am worried about regret.

Say Good Bye to Elephant Boy

None of our three embryos developed overnight.

RE called this morning with the news.

They were alive -- but not growing or "cleaved"

She said we could go ahead with the transfer but our chances of implantation were next to none. She was concerned for my well being and the turmoil of the 2ww hoping for something that was near impossible.

My RE said she's seen embryos like this and had never had a pregnancy before.

Harry and I discussed it and decided to pass on the transfer and say good bye to all 12 of April 06 embryos.

I can't believe they're all dead. All 12 of them. DEAD

As you can imagine I am emotionally devastated. I've talked to my therapist already.

Harry and I are going to spend the day together. Doing what I don't know.

Thanks for all the care and support. I don't know what's next -- well a fresh cycle is next -- I just don't know when.

No Stinking Thinking

Now that's a concept.

Think positive!

Well look where positive thinking has gotten me.

I am pretty negative these days. Morbid and negative, cynical too.

Went in to the RE office for my CD 3 blood work. I really do love my RE RN and Lisa too! They're so great and hopeful.

We scheduled the FET for the end of the month. Got my dates and originally was scheduled for the FET the day after my birthday.

"What a nice birthday present!" commented the RE RN.

Oh, yeah I'll be 31- don't my odds go down :(

"Oh, come on this one's gonna work." was her response

My response... an impetuous, muffled guffaw

Sitting in my car on my way to work, I realize-- great I 'll get the thaw report on my birthday -- and it will go something like this ---

"Sorry Mrs. Sunny Jenny, your last four embryos didn't survive the thaw. They're all dead."

Now that's more like the birthday I am expecting.

No stinking thinking

Well something sure does smell over here

I did end up changing my FET for four days later (work conflict). Oh yeah I did!

I am working on this stinking thinking -- anybody with good advice -- basically my SIL and therapist-- have encouraged me to stop stinking up the place.

The book I am reading encourages "being present" So much of my mental time is spent reliving failures or envisioning the future that I am missing out on the present. Time is passing by and I am not even here. I am stuck mourning a past or looking to a future I fear I will never have.

So I am working on moving down to smelly thinking.

Hey, it's a process.

Blogger Block

I have blogger block...

I don't know what to blog about!

I am so unemotionally involved in this FET. I don't even care...

I am just doing it because I don't want to pay to move the frosties.

What does that make me?

I feel as if I should have detailed posts about my cycle with E2 levels and lining and such... but I have nothing to say...

It's a crap shoot

I do have this to say... Lupron turn me into the Incredible pink Hulk.... I am a raving lunatic that has no fuse at all. It's my Jekyll.

Stay out of my way . . .

And So It Begins . . . Again!

Lupron injections start tonight . . .

Not looking forward to being hormonally controlled once again.

When I started IVF I never really noticed the affect the hormones had on my until I stopped the treatments. Once those hormones left my body I felt so different. More like me.

I am still dragging my heels. Afraid to emotionally commit.

Well the next time you see me I'll be a a hormonal psychopath!

Change of Heart

We're back from a lovely mini-vacation. Well I don't know if it really is considered a vacation when you visit family but we loved it! Harry and I went to visit my brother and sister-in-law and perfect little 6 1/2 month old nephew. What a heart breaker! He is so precious and I love him immensely! I'll tell you what though it is exhausting having a baby around! But so worth it!

Harry was playing with little button and looked up at me and said, "I am glad we're doing a thingy now" (of course he doesn't know any of the ART terms or procedures... he just jizzes and injects upone request). He's going to make a great dad.

Went in for blood work today. Looks like I'll be starting the Lurpon any day now! I have to say I am getting very nervous about another cycle. I try not to think about it. I am much more removed this go around.

The Decision

Harry and I have come to a decision.

We're doing the FET.

I called my RE RN this week to talk over some of our thoughts and worries. Let me just say I love my clinic! In their negotiation with the new lab, they made sure to explain my case and made sure that if I ever undergo another ER I won't have an epidural but will be under general anesthesia. I am so blessed to have a doctor, nurse, and staff that genuinely care for me! I love them to bits!

I went in for blood work this morning. I'll probably start Lupron in the next week.

So, in my conversation with my RE RN she advised us to use the frosties. We have two 4 cell and two 3 cell frosties...

Number 3 is the much loved "elephant boy" embryo. -- my little underachievers...
I am very distant this cycle. Not excepting the quartet to survive the thaw but willing to give them the chance for life. Harry is supportive and is willing to hope for one more FET.

On another note we're house shopping! Well actually shitty condo shopping. That's all we can afford in this highly over priced housing market. But it will be our shitty condo!

On My Way Back . . .

I am starting to think about thinking about another FET...

Therapy is so amazing and if you're not talking to someone about the whole ART process then do! It really has made a difference in my life!

Taking a break has been so necessary! Six months of going through a failed IVF cycle and FET really took its toll on me. It has been such a blessing to just get back to being me...

I've started to read blogs again. I can read about your lives and not be overwhelmed with emotions. So, that's a good thing.

Not much to say on the IVF front...

If you'd like to post a comment to update me that would be great! I don't know how much I've missed! Hopefully someone out there has had some success with ART!