BETA Day

I haven't slept since Thursday night.

I can't.

Friday night was Christmas. I was so excited for Saturday morning because I was sure when I POAS I would see a positive.

Well I didn't.

So now I can't sleep because I keep thinking of my three embryos....

So many of you have been so hopeful and encouraging... thank you...

I know the HPT is correct.

Went in for the b/w this morning. Broke down with the RE RN. She was very comforting. She didn't have much hope that HPT was wrong.

So now I am waiting . . .

2 more hours . . .

------------------------------
UPDATE:
Not Pregnant

Hope vs. Denial

What's the difference?

I am I just full of hope that this FET actually worked and I should still hold out hope that I am pregnant

or

I am just in denial, unable to face reality, and still completely and utterly barren?

What's the difference between hope and denial?

Hope is just Denial sugar coated and washed up so people don't think we're ready to be institutionalized.

It sounds nicer to say "I am very hopeful this cycle worked"

rather than

"I am in complete denial that my womb has killed yet again 3 offspring"

much nicer...

HPT Results

One day I'll POAS and see two pink lines . . .

Today is not that day. . .

Beta is Monday

Dangerous Web Sites

You may all want to throw stones in my direction.....


but I found these two websites... and of course have been obsessively reading them

Web Site 1: IVF due date calculator! - How awesome! FYI cleaved embryo is a 3dt (I had to Google it) - Yes-- February 19, 2007 ( am I tempting fate?)

Web Site 2: American Pregnancy Association - Gives you lots of info and can view a week by week newsletter of pregnancy. Of course I haven't signed up yet... I keep stopping myself...


Well now it's official I've contributed to the delinquency of minorly insane IVF women.

They're gonna throw away the key.

24

One thing is for sure I am insane...

There are a lot of things I can say but nothing really earth shattering.

I am just waiting...

waiting until Monday...

I am going to POAS tomorrow morning. That way Harry and I can be together for some results. Either positive or negative....

This is so completely frustrating! Not knowing....

My glass has to be half empty

If I look at it as half full and then find out it is completely empty...

well then I'll be screwed...

I've never wanted to barf so much in my life...just one little symptom please... please....

I am blissfully cramp free but don't believe that to be a sign of pregnancy just good old PIO.

So I sit here and wait...

It is what it will be - the only difference is knowing the truth.

Flashbacks

I keep having flashbacks to IVF #1.

I keep comparing how I felt 7dp3dt last time and how I feel today.

So far no cramps.

You may think that give me comfort but not really.... it's probably just the PIO.

I keep waiting for the cramps... expecting a twinge...a pull....just waiting for the inevitable end of this FET dream. I am consumed.

Sometimes I forget I am with embryo and when I remember this limbo we're in I am like,

"Man, it was so nice to forget"

Harry and I are both going manic. Wanting our babies to stick and not wanting to "get attached" -pardon the pun - to the thought of being parents.

I have no symptoms of pregnancy.

well at 7dp3dt my embies are either dead, dying, or growing.

I am praying for growing.

The Psychosis Begins...

Well my peaceful maternal nurturing has been replaced by my neurotic panic stricken psychosis.

Was that a cramp???

Am I nauseous or just hungry????

What's going on down there!

Come on EMBRYOS STICK!!

This isn't going to work

Maybe I am pregnant........

They've Made it This Far . . .

You know I am thinking...

I've got some hard ass embryos here.

Considering they were cryogenically preserved (sounds kind of sci-fi) and survived the thaw--they've already beaten some pretty hard odds.

So, I am thinking these three transfers are not your ordinary egg and sperm cocktail, Oh, no these embryos are hard ass, though skinned, top of the class you can't kill us brother, embryos!

They've made it so far!

Now if only . . .

I am that Woman...

I am that Woman we all hope, wish, and pray for...cause if it works for her then maybe just maybe it will work for us.

Day 2 best rest - I am going nuts! I have my mother "taking care of me" which really means pestering me to stay on my back. I've tried to explain the sticky peanut butter uterus to her and that my embryos will not fall out....bless her she doesn't get it.

Transfer went smoothly. It was very different the second time around. Both Harry and I were numb and sort of going through the motions. There wasn't a surge of paternal joy and giddiness as before and as we were driving home I kept thinking "nothing is different - you're still infertile" It's so hard to get excited to even dream - I have no expectations of pregnancy but will be devastated when this FET fails.

We had 3 embryos transferred. 2 8 cells that grew into 12 cells and where class II (some fragmentation) and 1 6 cell that grew into an 8 cell class I (best class) they were all 100% alive. I didn't get any pictures and I think I got a sonogram but don't know what I did with it. If you want to see pictures of our pre-frozen embryos look here.

I think they transferred the elephant man.

I am hanging in there only 10 days left...

Calling all IVF Geniuses

Alright who of you in blogland is the smartest???

My embryos were:

conceived on March 29, 2006

frozen on April 1, 2006

thawed on May 31, 2006

and transferred on June 1, 2006

So here is the question...

How old are they????

So what do I write? 1dp3dt or 1dp4dt?? eeek! I asked the RE RN are my embryos considered Blasts and she said no still 3 day...but I said their 4 days old...ok but they're chilly....

Well I am off to the transfer! Thank you all for the support! You are all with me in spirit and your words of encouragement and care really do lift me up!

My Lumps, My Lumps, My Lovely ....

LADY BUMPS!

Harry sang this song to me this morning as he shot me up. Oh yes my friends my ass is a lumpy bumpy mess!

Well, I made it through the injections only to be tortured by their aftermath. I am not complaining (well maybe a little) but my hiney hurts! It's bruised and sore. But I'll survive I am sure.

I read an awesome post this morning. Bea is suffering from a "Chance Event" and offers some perspective on loss and grief for those of us in the midst of the turmoil. My heart goes out to her.

We all deal differently with our IVF cycles and have very different view points and perspectives. Some of us use our heads and logic while others use our hearts and emotions. Neither method is right and neither is wrong. They're just different.

Well, tomorrow is the day. I am strangely calm but could freak out at any moment.


EEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK


**** UPDATE ****

Got the FET Thaw report! We have 3 --count them 3 lovely embryos at 100% a total of 6 were thawed - so three didn't make it. Getting excited now! Beta is scheduled for June 12!

BIG Chicken Little

Why am I such a freak?

I know the injections don't hurt. In the past 5 months I've been injected hundreds of times. And yet, on Sunday as I was starting my PIO injections I had a freak out of Biblical proportions.

So, after reading dear Julie's post, I totally identify myself as a Newbie or at least a slightly tainted Newbie. I do carefully read and reread and give dear Harry step by step instructions because you know he may forget one very important and irreversible step. I am a control freak..this is know.

On Sunday we went to my folks house in beautiful southern Maryland and had a nice barbecue. It began as a small twinge in my tummy around 4 o'clock--- only 3.5 hours to injection. I had to show my dad my honking needles --which he quickly said

"GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME"

Of course it was cruel of me considering he has a deep needle phobia. About every 20 minutes I had to tell someone I was getting anxious and rethinking the Prometrium suppositories.

Harry really was a jewel! He kept reminding me that I've had a PIO injection with a bigger gauge needle and know they don't hurt. True but that injection was given with Valium and a highly trained medical professional. Poor Harry can't win.

Harry did tell me he was very proud of me for going the extra step to try and insure a successful cycle and he knew how hard it was for me. I think I'll keep him.

I've been asking on message boards about this PIO thing and had a few suggestions which I'll share with you.

1. Warm the oil by placing it in your bra under your boob. The warm oil is easier to jab into your poor defenceless muscle.

2. Ice the area until your fingers are so numb you can't grab your husband's wrist to stop him from injecting you.

3. Lie on the opposite side of your injection to allow the muscle to relax and so your husband can jump on you and hold you down should you try to escape.

4. Close your eyes and sing LA LA LA LA LA LA repeatedly, high pitched, and loudly. *

I did all 4 and they helped.

So... 7:30 rolls around and I am lying there numbing the area when I had a panic attack. My heart rate soared, I began to sweat and I couldn't breath.

BIBLBICAL FREAK OUT!

I had to get up and walk around. It was scary and completely unnecessary. I don't know what the deal was. When I finally calmed down and allowed Harry to give me the injection it didn't hurt and I couldn't feel a thing.

To top it all off I forgot my alcohol pads and was freaking out about germs! Then I thought WWJD - What Would Julie Do. Then the solution was clear as a bell - use spit! -- No thankfully my mother had alcohol pads laying around for such a time as this.

Why am I so weird?

On the FET front
Things are right on plan. Thursday is the day. So I'll have two days of blissful motherly thoughts followed by panic stricken depressing thoughts of failure and futilely.

If you're the praying type please send a word to the man upstairs for my babies and if you're not do a fertility dance or something.

-----

* #4 is my own personal addition to the PIO Injection steps.

Resurrected Hope

I still can't believe we're going to get to do our FET!

Harry and I decided on Wednesday to hang up our IVF hat for the summer. We prayed and cried (well I did the crying) about it and decided. I stopped my Lupron and called the RE on Thursday to let them know and schedule a consultation.

Apparently the whole clinic felt so bad for us and know what we've been through that they tried the insurance company one more time. And Tina got lucky!

Want to know the insurance company's rational and how Tina jumped through loop wholes to make it work? Well...

Insurance doesn't handle any cryopreservation. We paid to have our embryos preserved. So they won't deal with a FET. BUT Tina knew they would deal with a transfer. SO Harry and I pay for the thawing and the RE clinic bills it as a ET not an FET and they'll cover it! GEEEZ LOUISE!!

God bless TINA!! I did bring her flowers as per Spanglish's suggestion! - Thanks! She was very grateful!

So we're back on for our FET!

For all my lovely sisters who have the strength and enough hope to move onto a FET... here is what my protocol is:

*****
Decrease Lupron to 5 u - May 12

Start Femtrace - May 14 (hmmmmm any significance?)

May 14 - May 18
2 pills a day - morning and evening

May 19 - May 26
3 pills a day - morning, afternoon, and evening

See RE RN on May 26

FET is scheduled for June 1
*****
There is a whole lot less monitoring and medications with a FET. My RE RN says all the stars have aligned .... I don't know if that's a money back guarantee or not...

AND

I found out how our clinic defrosts the embryos....

They do it one at a time! I am SO THANKFUL! I was afraid they would defrost all of them and then only transfer 2!

So.....

Dare I say it...

I am feeling hopeful...

Why I LOVE My Clinic. . .

We're back on for a FET!!!!

I can hardly believe it!

Tina has been on the phone all day (unbeknownst to me) fighting with my insurance to cover the FET.

And guess what!!!

They're going to cover it! I can't believe it!

We still have to pay for the thaw but everything else will be covered!

Amazing.

I am a different kind of numb now...

Out the Window

Well one door has closed and we're climbing through a window.

Or so it seems...

Monday night was our first Lupron injection for our FET.

It hurt.

Not physically...but emotionally. The injection signified that IVF #1 really failed. Harry and I sat on the bed holding each other for a while...needle in hand ready...Starting over means leaving #2 and #4 and acknowledging that it really didn't work. It was a hard pill to swallow.

I met with my RE RN Monday. As much as I love my clinic I often wonder if they have any idea who we are. I know my RE RN recognizes me but I don't think she knows me or my medical history. Many times I had to correct her about dosages and occurrences for IVF #1.

Is is wrong to be worried that you know more than the trained professionals? We discussed the value/success of Prometrium suppositories vs. POI. We're going with POI this time. RE RN wanted to know if I could handle the larger needle. My response...

"The physical pain, I can handle...it's the emotional pain that's killing me."

I think the POI is a good idea considering I started my period on the Prometrium suppositories...

Looks like FET will be around June 1.

Next Step

We're moving forward

I don't want to move at all...

Even looking at my blog brings everything back

I miss #2 & #4

Called the RE RN on Monday. She says to come in on May 1 for b/w to see if I've ovulated.

I told her, "Yeah, you think I'll have ovulated"
"Well, do you want to make it later."
"I won't ovulate.... this is going to take forever..."
"Well come in and if you haven't ovulated we'll start the Prometrium again."

1 week Prometrium
1 Week waiting for AF

Then I start Lupron and Estrogen...

I just want to crawl under a rock