I am healing...
It's a long process but I am making it through to the other side. I have to tell all of you how much your support and sympathy have meant to me. You've given me something no one else can, empathy. Only those of us who have stared at the ugly face of infertility can know what it means to hurt in such a way. Thank you.
I think I've had some closure this weekend. My little button was baptised this weekend and Harry and I were able to spend some time with him. At his baptism the pastor said, "All of heaven, all the saints that have gone before us, are with us now as we welcome little button into God's family.." In that instant I new #2 and #4 were with me and I knew I would see them again. I saw them with my grandmother and my niece/nephew and new they were okay. I know there are varying opinions on the start of life and what constitutes life. I look at all my embryos as my children and would mourn their loss. They are my babies.
I talked to my friend J, for the first time post cycle. J asked how I was doing and I said, "Horrible" her reply:
"Of course, you've just miscarried two children"
I never thought of it that way. I guess I always thought you have to be pregnant before you could classify a loss as a miscarriage. But hearing her say that really gave me perspective and allowed me to feel and name my grief.
Our failed IVF #1 is so much more than "just not getting pregnant".
I tried to tell myself that in order to avoid disappointment but my heart wouldn't let me. The internal conflict was catastrophic. Mentally I was saying, "It just didn't work, try again" but my heart was saying, "You're children have died".
Two conflicting extremes and me caught in the middle...
I've accepted my loss and will always mourn Lefty and Righty but know they will always be with me and that we will see each other one day.
*******
On a tangent...what's with these word's we use to describe the death of a pre-born child?
Miscarriage - A quarterback can miscarry a football--but a baby?
I Lost the baby- We loose our glasses or our keys...how can you loose something that can't be found?
What do you say when a baby dies? Isn't there one word or term in the English language to describe the suffering, grief, or heartache for such a circumstance? Who can say? I have no words to offer, only tears.
Monday, May 01, 2006
Semantics
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Look What My Little Button Sent Me!
Look my little Button picked the socks and sent them to me! As mentioned on a previous post, I was looking for some funky socks to wear for me ER and ET.
My darling Little Button picked these socks and sent them with this note:
"Aunt J, Good Luck, remember everything is worth it. I love you! Love, Button"
As I got emotional Harry had to remind me, "Button didn't say that A did"
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Happy Birthday!!
Well he's here!! My little nephew made his appearance! It took him a long time but he made it!
He is the cutest little guy I have ever seen! I love him to pieces. I was very worried with how I was going to react when I saw him. Honestly I was completely over come with love for his precious little soul. He is such a miracle and beautiful little angel how could I feel anything but love for this angel. I kept waiting for someone to bring up, "You're next" -- but thankfully no one did. I was surprised.
I have to say seeing that little bundle of sweetness has only increased my desire to have my own. I've been doing the "what if tango" recently. "what if this IVF cycle doesn't work?" I tried to convince myself that I'd be okay and just try again. But honestly, I'll be devastated. I know unequivocally that I want a child of my own.
I am a little less frightened of the whole birthing process having witnessed A's experience. I still know it will be painful but I am actually excited.
Iam lookig forward to the day that I'll get to experience such a miracle of my own.
Friday, February 03, 2006
Labor Day
My Sister-in-Law A is being induced today! Please think of her and my brother as they welcome their baby boy into the world!
