Update

You know you think I would have learned not to watch the baby show on that learning channel. Well apparently I am a hard learner. I watched an episode last week and had a minor melt down. I stopped and thought, "Oh. I'll watch this for Bella's sake". Well I of course had an emotional breakdown and rememeberd that I should be pregnant now and that I should be preparing to bring my baby into the world. But I am not.

You know, I've been reflecting on this "Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda" thing. And you know I've decided it I "should" be something I "would". does that make sense?

I am tired of saying; "I should be pregnant", "I should have lost weight", "I should have gone back to school". All this energy and time spent shoulding is not doing me any good.

I've got to give it up and let it go.

If I should be pregant I would be.

On anothoer note...
Still working with my Doctor for my mandatory Physcian assisted weightloss program. That is not going to well. I think I lost maybe 5 lbs. But, hey, I am not really trying.

On the home front -we're buying a house!! The housing market has slumped that we can actually afford a house! We have to move one county south (longer comute) but we can purchase a single family home! We're so excited. We found one we LOVED. But alas someone beat us with a better offer! So we're still looking.

We've been TCC the old fashion way. Ok, you can stop laughing now. It feels good to try. And we're actually not stressed about it. We're having fun (wink, wink) and if it happens, YIPPEE.

My God-daughter is due next month. I am so excited to meet her! I planned her momma's baby shower and actually did ok.

That't it for now. I've been tagged by Bonnie so I'll post tomorrow with my tag response.

Irony is a Bitch

My brother and sister-in-law are pregnant.

She was on the pill.

We're gutted. The same month we loose our baby --they get a baby they weren't "trying" for.

May is gonna suck ass.

Move Along

We're moving on.

That's not to say this is any easier.

I think I've fooled myself with the severity and depth of our loss.

I keep having nightmares in which I am crying for my dead baby.

I am a ghost.

A shadow.

I am moving along. Living by the motions. This is my new theme song. I've used it before in this IF journey but today, right now, it's even more applicable.

Even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along
just to make it through.




When everything is wrong...

CD 3

It's officially over.

I am thankful that my body took care of everything and I don't need any further treatments.

My RE is convinced I was pregnant and hopeful that IUI will work for us.

I go in tomorrow for monitoring and kick off IUI #2 -- assuming everything looks clear. We're doing a clomid/injectibles cycle.

I am at peace and could do 100 IUIs before another IVF.

A thousand thank yous to everyone for all their support and love. All your comments mean so much to Harry and I. It's so comforting to know that we're not alone. Thank you all!

Pregnant for a Day

For one day we knew what it was like to feel like we finally made it.

After 3 years we were able to embrace each other and celebrate.

I am bleeding as if AF is here. In my mind it's over.

I am not in any pain (physically). But in my heart, I know it's over.

Harry and I are blessed to know we had a baby for a day. We know IUI works for us and we can and will try again. I am so glad I POAS and new I was pregnant. If I hadn't taken the test I would have just thought AF arrived early. Now we know. It makes the loss harder and greater but it gives us hope and trust that one day we will get pregnant and take home a baby.

Thank you so much for your support and encouragement. All our shared pain unites us and you are all sisters to me. Thank you.

Waiting

It's been a rough night.

The ups and downs of infertility only intensify once you think you have a positive...

We're still so overwhelmed and can't possibly believe that we will make it through this with a real live baby.

I woke up in the middle of the night to pee and discovered I was bleeding.

It was red blood. Not a lot --only saw it when I wiped (sorry if this is TMI).

I spent the rest of the night on line goo.g.gling 'bleeding during pregnancy'.

Called my RE's call service at 6 AM. The RN returned my call in 10 minutes and said that all we can do is wait and as soon as we have the blood results she'll let me know.

Bleeding has seemed to tapper off.

Just got the blood results phone call. BETA is 14. Yesterday was 12 dpIUI. I don't know what this means. Of course I've goo.g.g.led Hcg levels and am still none the wiser.

RN says its a positive and to come in on Monday and not to be too concerned cause it is still very early.

So we're back to the waiting game.

This is torture.

Semantics

I am healing...

It's a long process but I am making it through to the other side. I have to tell all of you how much your support and sympathy have meant to me. You've given me something no one else can, empathy. Only those of us who have stared at the ugly face of infertility can know what it means to hurt in such a way. Thank you.

I think I've had some closure this weekend. My little button was baptised this weekend and Harry and I were able to spend some time with him. At his baptism the pastor said, "All of heaven, all the saints that have gone before us, are with us now as we welcome little button into God's family.." In that instant I new #2 and #4 were with me and I knew I would see them again. I saw them with my grandmother and my niece/nephew and new they were okay. I know there are varying opinions on the start of life and what constitutes life. I look at all my embryos as my children and would mourn their loss. They are my babies.

I talked to my friend J, for the first time post cycle. J asked how I was doing and I said, "Horrible" her reply:

"Of course, you've just miscarried two children"

I never thought of it that way. I guess I always thought you have to be pregnant before you could classify a loss as a miscarriage. But hearing her say that really gave me perspective and allowed me to feel and name my grief.

Our failed IVF #1 is so much more than "just not getting pregnant".

I tried to tell myself that in order to avoid disappointment but my heart wouldn't let me. The internal conflict was catastrophic. Mentally I was saying, "It just didn't work, try again" but my heart was saying, "You're children have died".

Two conflicting extremes and me caught in the middle...

I've accepted my loss and will always mourn Lefty and Righty but know they will always be with me and that we will see each other one day.

*******
On a tangent...what's with these word's we use to describe the death of a pre-born child?

Miscarriage - A quarterback can miscarry a football--but a baby?
I Lost the baby- We loose our glasses or our keys...how can you loose something that can't be found?

What do you say when a baby dies? Isn't there one word or term in the English language to describe the suffering, grief, or heartache for such a circumstance? Who can say? I have no words to offer, only tears.