Now Calling Number . . .

Yet another friend has announced her pregnancy to me.

One more for them and none for me.

I did very well. I only teared up slightly.

Mostly when she said, "You're next! I know it!"

I've been next so many times, I've given up and jumped out of line.

Luckily it was over the phone so she couldn't see my tears.

It's so hard when you hear the news. You feel so defeated and everything you've been through rushes over you again and you feel it all anew. All the disappointing failures, all the hopelessness, all the loss. It hits you like a tidal wave that would rival anything Godzilla could throw at the Japanese.

You try to engage in small talk, pushing back the urge to sob uncontrollably. Thinking of all the things you know are coming for her but have never experienced.

"Oh, you're 10 weeks, well then your baby is ....."

It hurts

bitterly

And it takes all you have not to break down and scream It takes everything not to shut down and crawl under your desk.

You feel so pathetic, so vulnerable, and so petty.

You want to be happy, you really, really do, but your pain is suffocating - it has dominion over all your emotions.

You just take a deep breath, and utter, "Congratulations" hoping your voice doesn't crack somewhere in the middle.



So when and how did you hear your friend, sister, best friend, barren 98 year old widow, or co-worker were expecting? How did you react?

Surrounded

I am surrounded by pregnant women.

They're in the bookstore.

They're in the grocery check-out line.

They're in the elevator going to my RE's.

They're popping up everywhere! Why does it seem like everyone is getting pregnant...

Everyone but me....

It's really kind of commical. I knew I wasn't imagining things when Harry commented,

"What's with all the pregnant women?"

I found out last night that another friend is pregnant.

I found out from someone else. In the middle of a meeting. Not good.

I held it together. I am surprised. Maybe it's because she already has two little girls. But it still stings.

It stings to see so many people around me getting to have what I so desperately want. The jealousy is tortuous.

And now Giada announces she's pregnant! If Rachel announces she's pregnant, I'll loose it for sure!

Surrounded, I tell you!

F.R.E.D

I hate them

2nd pee stick- BFN

Last time (when I was pregnant for a day) I used a different brand. I don't remember what brand. I am done with F.R.E.D - FOREVER!

Irony is a Bitch

My brother and sister-in-law are pregnant.

She was on the pill.

We're gutted. The same month we loose our baby --they get a baby they weren't "trying" for.

May is gonna suck ass.

Dream Baby

Last night I had the most amazingly real dream. I walked into my kitchen and there was a nurse bottle feeding an infant.

“I’ll feed him.” I said

The nurse handed me the baby but held onto the bottle.

“You won’t need this” she said pointing to my swollen breasts.

I walked into the living room and sat on our couch and looked down at my baby. He was a tiny little peanut with Harry’s wide set eyes that are the color of my father’s eyes, ice blue. My baby had a full hear of dark thick hair, like his mommy’s hair. His little wrinkled face reminded me of my beloved nephew’s infant face. He was warm, he was real, and he was mine. As I suckled my baby to my breast I was thinking..

“But the HPT said not pregnant. A (my SIL) is never going to believe this one. How, when did this happen.”

Then I woke up

Dream baby are you just a dream or are you a heavenly promise of things to come?

Dream baby please be real…

The Comback

People say the crappiest things. I know that not everyone has evil intentions with their comments, but sometimes people really just need to keep their comments to themselves. Deep down I know people mean well. But you see most of us don’t live deep down. We live up here where words do hit harder than fists and one well meaning comment can send one of us into a spiral of emotional turmoil.

I believe preparation is the key. I am disgusted with my generic, lackadaisical response to these idiotic comments. The time has come to tell people the truth, to stop caring more for their self esteem and more for my emotional well being.

The following is what I like to refer to as my Stupid IF Comments 1st Aid Kit. I am developing my come backs for all those idiotic comments that people are bound to thoughtless toss at me more than likely trying to make themselves feel better than in an honest attempt to bring me some comfort.

The Well There’s Always Adoption Comment:
Actually, no. (pregnant pause {pun intended}) Adoption isn’t a cure for infertility. Children are not items that can replace one another. Adopting a child will not erase all the emotional and physical pain of infertility. We will always be infertile. While adoption is a very wonderful path to parenthood it is NOT a cure for the inability to conceive a child with your spouse. And right now it’s not an option for us.

The Just Relax Comment:
Relax? That’s it? You mean if my husband relaxes his abysmal sperm will mover faster, in a straight line, and copiously reproduce! Geez Lousie, I am calling my doctor right away! I wonder if relaxation works for cancer patients too.

The I Knew Someone Who Comment:
Really (in an incredulous tone), I actually Goggled that one and it’s an Urban Legend.

As you can see it's a starter kit. Composed of the bare IF survival essentials. The Kit will grow as I encounter more and more people. Please feel free to use my 1st Aid Kit as needed. I appreciate any suggestions you may have or perhaps you have your own Kit and would like to compare its contents.

Remember a Baby Scout is always prepared.

Stand Back Woman Having Emotional Breakdown in Baby Aisle

It was a normal shopping experience at that store with the bulls eye logo.

Harry and I putter around the store picking up needed items.

Your normal average day.

Until I wonder over to the baby aisle. Normally I am okay in this often unknown territory, but if I go there looking for my little nephew, I usually have no problem.

I always love to pick him out little onesies with cool logos like:

Spit Happens

or

Bald is Beautiful

But on this day I saw this...

there it was, a little pink onesies. I was paralyzed and overwhelmed with emotions. This little pink snappy shirt thing brought me to an emotional ball of tears and snot in less than 2 seconds.

I took a picture with my camera phone. I wanted to buy it but have a major aversion to buying any personal baby products. So there is stayed. On its little baby hanger.

Little baby you are worth the wait.

I am just tired of waiting.