Just Wanted to Say . . .

I originally posted this as a comment on our friends Jenny from the IF Block's blog. But I felt so strongly about it and I wanted everyone to know what I was thinking that I added it as a post to mine!

"I feel exactly the same way! After my initial IVF consultation I felt overwhelmed and under-informed. I was panic stricken and felt completely alone. Although my husband has been very supportive there is no way he can know what it's like to face the inner turmoil and self doubt that comes with being a female IVFer. I've found so much support and guidance from women all over the world who have made this journey so much easier! You have all touched me in many ways! - I hope I've been able to explain personally just how much you influenced my life. I think about all of you throughout my day and check your blogs for updates! You're all very special to me!

God bless the internet! That's all I have to say! I met my dh on the internet and now I've met so many wonderful women who have become a part of my life!
Thank you all!"

How You Life Your Life

You are honest and direct. You tell it like it is.You tend to avoid confrontation and stay away from sticky situations.You tend to have one best friend you hang with, as opposed to many aquaintences.Some of your past dreams have disappointed you, but you don't let it get you down.

How Do You Live Your Life?

Another Great Read

WELL... since my ovaries do things on their own time schedule and refuse to cooperate - yet again - I am back to the waiting!

I am reading How to Get Pregnant: The Classic Guide to Overcoming Infertility by Sherman J. Silber.

I am finding this a very comprehensive and scientifically detailed account of the human reproductive system and infertility. There are plenty of pictures and charts for those of us who are visual learners.

This book is great for those of us who want to know everything (JENNY) and often annoy our RE with constant questions and repeat questions on procedure. In other words you were the little girl who always had to know, "WHY?"

If on the other hand, you believe ignorance is bliss -don't bother with this book - it has way too much information for you and will only scare you shitless.

Stupid PCOS

SO today was suppose to be the day I start my first IVF cycle. Hardy har har! My RE RN just phoned and told me I haven't quite ovulated yet. Of course I haven't ovulated! What else would you except! So I am going in next Tuesday for another blood draw to see if I can start then.

But RE RN did give me my Lupron Kit! he he

Here is a picture of the kit that will make me a hormonal lunatic!

And ladies, not to worry! It comes with detailed instructions with pictures!!

Well little Lupron kit....back in the fridge for you! One more week of hibernation!

...To be continued...- once my ovaries cooperate!

One Pill to Get Bigger....One Pill to Get Smaller...

Well it goes something like that! I am still trying to work through all the different hormones I'll be on and let me tell you it's a wonderful journey of discovery! So, yesterday I phoned the pharmacy my RE uses to see if my meds are ready. My RE RN was going to phone in my Rx last Thursday after my harrowing experience. Well I phoned said pharmacy yesterday and low and behold they've never heard of me....no phoned in Rx...nothing...nada.... So I did what any reasonable gal would do...I phoned my RE RN to see what is going on! Well RE RN was gone for the day so I left a message. She is a good RN and she phoned me this morning. Turns out my insurance loves me so much they're going to mail me all my meds! (Oh the joy!) But my RN has only received the approval for the Follistim not the Lupron or Menopur. Imagine that an insurance system has lost a referral! They won't take her word for it that I NEED Luporn and Menopur but instead she has to resubmit the whole blasted thing! But my darling RE RN has assured me that she has Lurpon I can borrow (I may have to put a kidney up for collateral) in case mine doesn't arrive by next week.--Yippee Skippy!

Oh the Drama!

So here's my med. sched.
I start with 10 u of Lupron
I am guessing that's gonna bring on AF -- but if not then I call 11 days after starting Lupron

Then I start all the other lovely hormones
I'll greet my morning with a cheery stab of Follistim
And close the day jabbing myself with Menopur and Lupron
all the while remembering to take my best friend Metformin

See, I am figuring this whole thing out! My murkiness has become less murky!

When I explain all these dramatic and news worthy details, Harry, being the strong supportive husband that he is, has his own very important question...
"How do you make a hormone?"
As I contemplate my answer, he responds
"Don't pay her"

Yes, my husband shouldn't quit his day job.

A Few, ughm, Questions, Please...

Ok, I've spent way to much time hypothesizing my first (I hesitat in numbering the cycle hoping it will be my first and last) IVF cycle! I need some advice from some veteran IVF ers.
If I go in for my baseline u/s and blood work on 2 -22:
will I start my Lupron on the same day or the next day?
When will I start my Follistm (don't know how to spell that word) injections?
How long will I be a hormonal raving lunatic (as opposed to the regular lunatic I am now)?
When will they do the egg retrieval?
When will I be implanted?
Will Harry empty the dishwasher today?
Will I have a girl or a boy?
Will I ever win the lotto?
What will my due date be?
ok ok...It's pathetic...Maybe I should call the psychic hotline. Maybe Mama Jo-Jo has more information than me! I need a timeline! I need a schedule! UGH! Well I've waited two years! In one week I'll have my bloody schedule.

Watch me get a kick in the ass and nothing go according to plan!

You know that's how it's gonna be!

UPDATE:
Harry did not empty the dishwasher (he was home all day)! But he did buy me a card and gift for V-Day. I think I would have liked an empty dishwasher better.

To Womb it May Concern:

I passed! I had my mock implantation and the dreaded water sono today. And I passed! Yippeee!! As you may recall I've been very nervous and worried about the water sono. While it was no walk in the park it wasn't exactly painful.

The mock implantation was really no different than a pap smear. First of all I have a great RE. She's very sensitive and always has a smile. She laughed when I told her I shaved for her today. She feels special. :) I laid down, legs up, bottom on the edge of the table. RE RN put some jelly on my belly to find my uterus. I was told to have a full bladder for the test. So I drank 1 liter of water before I made it to the office. Once at the office I drank two more cups as a good measure. Needless to say I was bursting! I told the nurse not to press too hard or I might squirt the doc. Which cause everyone to laugh and then she had to find my uterus again. All in all the test probably took 2 minutes. Harry thought it would be nice to sneak in a quick shag since I was lubed and had my legs up. I just gave him the look of "don't you dare".

After I emptied my bladder the doc came back for the dreaded water sono! Basically, the doc uses a catheter to put a balloon in my uterus. She then fills the balloon with water. Then she uses the much loved vaginal ultrasound to view my uterus. The balloon will show any fibroids or lesions in my uterus. This test was uncomfortable. HELLO- she was pushing on my uterus. To keep my mind off the test I decided I'd tell my RE and RE RN the story of my little nephew Button (so christened because he is as cute as). Harry says that as the procedure went on (it took about 5 minutes) I kept getting louder and louder. I remember stuttering when things became particularly painful. But I was able to make it. Harry held my hand and kissed me when he saw my feet wiggling (a desperate non-audible cry of ouch). After it was done I did have cramping - like the worst day of my period (time to pop a Midol). I was cramping and sore for about an hour afterwards. I am doing great now and only have some spotting.

Everything is clear and good to go! My uterus is perfect and waiting our little embie. The RE RN says they've received the go ahead from the insurance and my baseline u/s and blood work is scheduled for February 22. I start injections on February 23! She's calling in my meds today!

Driving back to Harry's work he was very supportive and surprise that I did so well. He says he's sorry I have to endure so much and he'd do it for me if he could. Some how I don't really believe that. But we're still moving down that path. I am feeling a little more confident and excited that this might work for us.

On a side note I have acute bronchitis. Harry's so glad it's not ugly bronchitis. Did I tell you Harry is a comedian?

The "What If" Tango...

I keep dancing. These questions keep running through my mind. I am slowly slipping into insanity. So afraid to be hopeful or excited that my time may have finally come. Fighting with myself over the possible out comes of my first IVF cycle. So unsure of what to expect. Fearing to be hopeful and hating to be fearful. I am a wreck!

Holding a newborn in my arms has done me in. I use to be able to talk myself around to the idea that I may never be a mother and I was okay with being an aunt. I love both my nephews immeasurably and know how specials aunts can be. I have three very precious aunts whom I love and cherish and who have always been a special part of my life. In fact I use to wish that one of my aunts was my mother. But still knowing and having lived this I still hunger and ache for my own child...

I've read so many stories of women who are continually struggling with failed IF treatments. My heart aches for them. What makes me think I'll be any different. Will my story mirror theirs. Will I suffer loss after loss...

What Ifs plague me...

What if I miscarry?
What if I have a chemical pregnancy?
What if my eggs don't fertilize
What if Harry can't get it up and make his deposit?
What if me eggs are broken?
What if my blood kills my embies?
What if I get pregnant but then my babies stop growing?
What if I don't get pregnant?
What if I am too fat to have a baby?
What if I have to have a D&C?
What if I have to deliver a still born?
What if..
What if..
What if..

I can't dance anymore...I am exhausted and I haven' t even begun...

I use to fear the who IVF process...

Now the What Ifs terrify me...

How will I cope? How will I continue...

I don't have any answers -- I am just a tumult of feelings and fears..

dancing an unending dance with my partner

Infertility

The Ball is ROLLING...

I made the call. Of course because I had good news! Here is a summation of our conversation:

Me: Hello, it's me today is CD1! I finally started!
Wonderful RE RN: FINALLY! I was beginning to wonder what happened
Me: Me too! It was 44 days this cycle
WRR: That's because you were stressing about having your period
Me: probably
WRR: Ok, Let's schedule those test...
Me: wait! Now can you explain to me what's going to happen again (only the 99th time)
WRR: Ok, we're going to do a mock implantation so the doc knows where to lay the embryos and then the water sono.
Me: yeah about that water sono..
WRR: It's not the HSG test
Me: Yeah but is it gonna hurt?
WRR: Not really some women experience cramping. We fill the uterus with saline to see if there are any polyps or other abnormalities.
Me: yeah but is it gonna hurt?
WRR: no...I'll transfer you to the receptionist to schedule the tests...

Receptionsit: Hello

Me: Is the water sonos gonna hurt...

Wonderful Receptionist also informed me that she doesn't hear any complaints about those two procedures. So that's good. At least I know wonderful receptionist hasn't heard any screams of terror or pain coming from the test room. I'll sleep much better now.

Thursday Conversations with a Pregnant Lady

WARNING! The following conversation contains graphic details of my morning discovery of my menses.

Taken from an IM I had this morning with my very pregnant SIL A.

***DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU GET GROSSED OUT***

A: how you feelin?
J: A!
J: I got my PERIOD!!!!!
J: YIPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
A:: woohoo
A: did you call the doc
J: That means you're going in to labor today!
J: yeah...she has to call me back
A: whatever
J: It does!
A: i will never go into labor
J: you will!
A: i will be lugging around a 200 pound man child in my belly
J: so do you want the gross details of how i found out i got my period?
J: lol - 200lb man
A:: uhm, there are details?
J: oh yeah! it's a drama
A:: go for it
J: i am thinking of putting some music to it!
A:: Kittie M says hi
J: hi Kittie M
J: so i woke up
J: felling a little better!
A:: ok
J: thinking I don't think I'll die today....so i go into the bathroom
J: for my morning wee
J: have a seat and wee
A:: whee!
J: then think...hmm...I am a little moist today...
J: check it out and its blood!
A:: wow!
J: i do a double take and say...can it be! Now...
J: my heart starts to beat faster
A:: thus more blood
J: and I have that exhilarating feeling of having just won the lotto
J: and take a scientific tissue test and
A:: LOL
J: YES! PRAISE JESUS!
J: WE HAVE BLOOD!
A:: blood rocks!
J: and I swear to you i heard angels sing!
A:: but of course
J: and a light from heaven
J: Jesus' baptism must have been something like this!
A:: with a little less blood
J: yes true
A:: but the moisture was there
J: of course!
A:: you are insane
J: i know!
A:: congratulations on your flow of blood
J: that's why you fit so well into the family
J: thank you earth mother!
A:: hehe
J: I think i am going to post this conversation on my blog
A:: insanity should spread across cyber space

Groundhog's Day

Will the groundhog see his shadow today?



WHO GIVES A RIP!!

I know what he will see! HE'LL SEE MY PERIOD!!

oh yeah BABY! She's here! I have never been so happy in my whole life to get my period! ALLELUGIA! I believe I heard a chorus of angels as I awoke for my morning wee!!

Sick In the Head

Geez Louise! I am still over here waiting! I've been bloated and pre-menstrual for 3 weeks now. I am convinced this is due to screwing with my metformin prescription. Dang it! My SIL says its karma for # 49 (see post Me, Me, ME!!!). To top off my missing period I am freakin' sick. I have a horrible cough and have been near death for many days now. Okay that's a bit of an exaggeration but I was sick enough to stay home from work and lie on the couch all day wrapped in three blankets with the space heater pointed directly on me. In my haze of sickness I watched Bambi and cried a snot load of mucus when Bambi's mother died. PATHETIC! Simply pathetic!

I want to post something exciting! Something news worthy! I am so freakin stuck! I suppose I should call my RE and let her know what's going on with my cycle. I think I am afraid of bad news. I know I am avoiding it. I am afraid I am going to miss out and have to wait another blinking 34 days for my next period before I can begin injections for IVF. Grrrrrrrr!

I am going to call tomorrow...

...or maybe Friday

Sunday Bloody Sunday

Don't I wish!!!

My Ovaries Have Something Against Me

I don't know what I ever did to them but they're really starting to mess with me! Four days late now and I am getting more and more upset. You'd think after two years of waiting, hoping, and trying for a baby my ovaries would cooperate! Just when all the planets had aligned to make it possible for me and Harry to undergo IVF my ovaries have to kick up! UG! I am beginning to take it personally!

Maybe my ovaries are having their own little protest due to my SIL's impending birthing of my most adorable nephew? Perhaps there holding a sit in a vain attempt to cause my nephew to hurry the heck up and be born!

Yet perhaps it is the metformin that is reeking such havoc on my carefully timed and schedule fertility treatment. I started taking metformin in June 04 and my bloody aunt return promptly in August 04. Since then you could time a watch on my cycles. However, in the last 4 months I haven't been as diligent in taking my meds as prescribed. My endocrinologist prescribed 3 500mg pills a day - breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Never having liked being told what to do, I began to miss/skip my afternoon dose. Beside being incredibly forgetful I also completely dislike the side affect my afternoon delight left me with. Let's just say it kept me running to the bathroom... and it wasn't pretty. That's when AF decide to take her own sweet time. In my last visit with my RE I confessed my sin and promised to make amends. My beloved RE suggested that I take 1 pill in the morning and 2 at night. Now, understanding that my RE does have a medical degree and is a very capiable doctor and pioneer in the field of ART, I don't think her advice is working. EDIVENCE -4 DAYS LATE! So today I went back on my old plan of 3 times a day and timed 3 alarms to go off at 1 PM and tied a piece of string to my finger...


Whatever is going on I have never ever wanted a period so bad! period.

Bloody HURRY UP!! - No pun intended

I am late. Today should be CD 1 and Flow has not shown up. I am definitely NOT pregnant and AF absence has more to do with my PCOS than a baby. COULD YOU HURRY UP PLEASE!! Our next step is waiting for AF to arrive! I took out my IVF binder the other day (the first time since my IVF orientation) and looked over everything again. I must say that I am feeling like I understand something after reading so many blogs!

Two tests I have to have are a uterine sounding and a mock implantation. Do these hurt? Should I request valium? I am a sissy when it comes to anything in the pain arena. I especially hate anything gynecologically speaking! How I will deliver a child I cannot fathom. Once I get a bun in the oven I'll worry about how to get it out. Can I take drugs for these tests? I am going to ask my RE RN when I call once AF decides to show up! oooh, I felt a tingle....

So can anyone share their test stories and give me a clue? Should I go for valium or percocet?

New Name, Same Place

After reading so many wonderfully funny and quirky blogs, I've spiced my title up a bit! I've kept the same URL for my two devoted fans!

My new title reflects my feelings of doubt, fear, and optimism. Infertile Myrtle is my way of naming myself in an attempt to find the humor in this situation. I do look at this whole process as a journey. In many ways it will be a journey of self discovery as well as marital discovery. It's precarious because I don't know what to except. I KNOW what's going to happen. I have a plan. But I don't know what the journey is going to be like. I chose the word peregrination to describe the journey because on the offset I feel that it will be a long one. One that I'll take one step at a time.

Infertile Myrtle out ...

Props to da Sistas

This post is a tribute to all the people who've been so supportive and encouraging throughout our struggle with infertility. Specifically to my two sister-in-laws A & L.

I am the oldest of three. Needless to say when number 2 was born I was a little jealous. I do remember desperately wanting a little sister. Not quite happy with a brother I learned to be a bossy big sis. Number 3 came along and good old mom & dad popped out yet another male sibling. I was 9 this time so bro #3 was more like my own little baby. I use to wake him up so I cold play with him. I was 9! I always wanted a sister. Dear old dad was in the USN so we moved every three years. I never really had any close girl friends. I always wanted a sister. Much to my chagrin bro #2 didn't really like playing dress up and getting his hair curled or playing Barbies. The parentals informed me that there was no chance for a #4. With their track record I really didn't want to risk it anyway.

I didn't form any real close bonds with other women until college. Growing up as a military brat you're always waiting to leave so you learn to build walls and never get too close to people. I have friends but never those close life long friends.

It took marriage to get me a sister. When I married my dh I got the best SIL a girl could ask for. Unfortunately L lives in another country! But even though there is an ocean between us we've managed to grow quite close. We often joke that if dh and I split up I get to keep his family. Then there's bro# 2's wife. A was a friend is college who I asked to be a bridesmaid in my wedding. At said wedding A met bro #2 and less than a year later was married too! At the reception I tried to give a speech saying how I always wanted Bro #2 to be a sister but God knew what he was doing and gave me a great bro and know he's giving me a sister too. Regrettably, all anybody heard we pathetic sobs and and mucous sniffs as I bawled away into the microphone!

Both A & L are little fertile myrtles. A is the SIL who is expecting any day now and L has two lovely daughters and is a grandma to the most delicious and cheeky boy I know. They have both offered unending support and encouragement throughout this whole ordeal. It was A who turned me onto the whole blog arena. They've never utter a stupid, "there's always adoption", or said, "Relax then you'll get pregnant." They've cried with and for me and helped me to come to terms with our infertility.

So to my SILs (who are lurkers of this blog) I give you props! Thank you so much for your love and strength. To all the other women who have offered encouragement and advice thank you a million times. Having read your stories and shared in your experiences have really helped me to cope with infertility and IVF.

Ignorance is Bliss

So the saying goes. I am beginning to believe. After 48 hours of reading countless infertility/IVF blogs am more uncertain than I was before. I've heard about things I didn't even know existed. However, in a strange way I am comforted. It is soothing to read other women's stories about their struggles with infertility. Countless miscarriages and failed implants and yet they still conceived. There is some hope. So where am I emotionally after reading all these blogs? Don't really know. I know that I don't feel so alone. Some nice people have been very encouraging. I guess I am still too numb to put a finger on my feelings. Adoption friend just called me. Conversation went something like this:

Friend: So how are you feeling about this IVF thing. Have you come to a peace?

Me: No, not really...I don't know how I feel...

Friend: Well then don't do it. Don't do it if you're not 100% sure...

Me(thinking): If she says there's always ADOPTION I'll scream...

So for now I am just waiting until Cycle Day1 to call the RE for the next step. I'll keep blogging and keep posting.

Dh has christened me bloggy Mary.

First IVF Meeting

Dh and I met with our RE RN on Friday, January 6 for our IVF orientation. Going into meeting I think we were both a little apprehensive. We still didn't know what to expect. I had gone to an appointment on Wednesday with the RE but she just gave me a brief overview. I think that I was too excited to let anything sink in either. Now that dh and I were sitting across the table from the RE RN and had a notebook opened (our IVF notebook) in front of us it all became a little too real.

All my life I knew I wanted to be a mom. When I was little I use to pretend I was pregnant. I'd stick a pillow up my shirt arch my back and walk around like a pregnant lady. I use to make my Barbies pregnant too. Being married and watching my dh interact with babies and children made me want to be a mom even more. Seeing his eyes light up talking or playing with his nephew really touched me and stirs in me the desire to give him a child. I want to hold his baby in my arms. I want a part of me and a part of him to create this special person whom we both can love and cherish. I want that more than anything.

The RE RN starts going over all the paper work. She tells me that the injections I am on during IVF can kill me. YIKES. Because of my PCOS my ovaries can over produce and cause some water retention and other problems I really don't understand yet. She has to go over all the possible side effects and then dh and I have to agree not to sue the IVF people if I die or get hurt. Then the RE RN whips out the injection kit and starts talking about all the shots all I need. How to mix this med with that med, which one to take when, how to use the epi pen, and someother stuff I am desperatly trying to save to memeory. I really am trying to concentrate but everything is swimming around and I feel like I am drowning. It's all too much to comprehend. I ask her if she can draw me some pictures. I have no idea how I am going to get any of this right. I know I am going to end up killing myself with the wrong hormone. She can see my distress and offers a refresher course once I get all my meds. She's a doll. She also shares that she went through IVF back in the day and has two teenagers to prove it. That's comforting. I ask if I can have her home phone number.

I have to have two more tests. One where they put water in my uterus to check it out and then the false implant test. I wish I knew the lingo. I am sure I will eventually. One of them scares me. Here's the thing I am a sissy when it comes to pain. Thankfully I don't really have cramps or suffered during TOM. I have no idea how I am going to make it through these tests and injections. It's overwhelming. I feel clueless and completely alone. I know my dh is supportive and there for me but honestly my body is going through this all alone.

As we continue through the paper work RE RN tells us that embryos that aren't implanted can be frozen. I ask, "does insurance cover this". No. It will cost $1360.00 to freeze our potential children and then $360.00 a year in rent. Nice. But still that beats having to go through the egg retrieval and everything all over again. Then the RE RN drops the bomb that PCOS patients have a higher rate of miscarriage than non-PCOS patients. News to me. So I am even more freaked out. So I ask how many times will insurance cover the IVF cycle. She thinks 3 times per live birth. So we get three chances then we've hit the end of the road.

So we leave the office a little bewildered. I think Dh is less affected than I am. We kiss good bye and go back to our respective jobs. Everything I've heard in the pass 3 days goes over and over in my mind...I could die....I could not conceived...I have a greater chance of miscarrying...I could get the swollen ovary thingy...I have to mix all these hormones and inject myself 3 times a day...they're going to Peirce my uterus....My body could reject the whole IVF process...I am being put in a psudemenopausal condition...I am freaking out. To top it off I had to leave that afternoon for a weekend work thingy. So all weekend I am alone and all theses things are going over and over and over in my mind. I don't think I can do it. I don't think I am strong enough.

I have a dream where I tell my mom I am scared...she tells me to suck it up cause she wants a grandchild...

Whenever I express doubt or concern about the IVF process dh says, "We don't have to have a child."

BUT WE DO! My life would not be complete without being a mom.

I have this mixed up feeling inside me. I feel so blessed that we have insurance and an awesome IVF clinic. We love our doctor and nurses. But at the same time I feel cursed because IVF is our only option for conception.

I feel like I am betraying my body...

I came home yesterday and saw that dh had bought two books on being a dad and helping wife through her pregnancy. It's the first time I realized I am not alone.

I realized the only way I'll make it through is to take the IVF process one step at time. If look at the whole picture it is completely overwhelming.

So, here's my New Year's resolution.

One step at a time

In the Beginning...

I remember a time in my marriage when I tried NOT to get pregnant. I even had a scare one month and I remember praying in the bathroom waiting for the little blue line, "Please God, not now. I can't be pregnant." Sure enough I wasn't pregnant. Little did I know that missed period was the beginning of my infertility. No period ever came. In the spring I went to my OBGYN who ordered tests. I never followed through. Then in the spring of 04 DH and I decided it was time to start trying for a baby. So I went back to the OBGYN and finally had those tests. Turns out I have a syndrome called Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Basically my body doesn't process insulin correctly which causes my ovaries to malfunction. My eggs try to release but get stuck and form cysts all over my ovaries. Nice. So I started on metformin. The metformin medication corrected the ovulation problem and AF returned in August of 04. So me and DH got busy once again. Two weeks each month I prayed and hoped for a missed period. Each month my answer showed up in blood. No. Everyone around me got pregnant without even trying and every month my womb was left barren.

Meanwhile my parents start dropping hints about wanting to be grandparents and shouldn't M and I start trying to have a baby. So I tell them about me and PCOS. Hmmm. They keep hinting.

My B and SIL decide to start trying too. Two months off BC she gets pregnant. NOT FAIR. I tried to be happy for them but inwardly I was crushed. Being the oldest child I wanted to be the one to give my parents their first grandchild. I tried not to let it show but it really hurt. I knew I was being selfish and jealous but the pain was still the same. I don't think that I was so hurt because my B and SIL got pregnant but more so because I'd lost that one person who was ttc just like me. We use to share our cycles and stories together. We use to bitch about how crack ho's can get pregnant but not us. Everyone around us was getting pregnant and we hated them! Now that SIL was pregnant I'd lost that buddy and that sacrastic relationship. She was now one of them.... the pregnant. That loss contributed to my melancholy.

I began to read everything I could find on fertility and PCOS. I charted BBT and mucus everything. I drove my husband nuts with what time to do it and how. It became an obsession. Sex turned into a chore for both of us. And each month the answer was no.

Then in January of 05 my SIL and B had a miscarriage. OK now I felt bad. Really bad. I knew that my jealousy didn't cause the baby to die but I still felt extremely guilty for the loss of my little niece or nephew.

Finally my OBGYN referred me to a RE (reproductive endocrinologist). I didn't go. I kept thinking I can do it! I don't need any help! I can get pregnant without any help!

Meanwhile parents keep dropping clues and blatantly petition for grandchildren. After a miscarriage and infertility you'd think they'd lay off? Nope.

B and SIL get pregnant in April 05. This time I am truly happy for them and not jealous or bitter.

Six more months of trying and I break down and make the appointment with the RE. June 05 we meet w/ the doc. I fall in love immediately! She is so warm and personable. She laughs and has a great repoure with me and dh. She orders a semen analysis for dh and other tests for me. (YIPPPE more vaginal ultra sounds!!!). So we wait.

A few weeks later the RE nurse calls with dh semen analysis results. Turns our dh has slow, unmotivated, not enough swimmers. I broke down on the phone and started bawling. I'd always blamed myself and thought is was my problem, my eggs. Turns out dh is broke too. RE nurse is so kind and tells me everything 3 times and tries to console me. She says our only chance for conception is IVF because of dh low sperm count and quality. Our insurance doesn't cover IVF. More tears. Some hyperventilating. Then she says that the county my husband works for (he's a special ed school bus driver) offers great insurance that covers IVF 100%. So there is hope. The RE Nurse was so amazing and kind. She was on the phone for about 30 minutes talking me down. I called my SIL and my B answered the phone. In my hysterics all I could say was, "I NEED TO TALK TO A!!!" My B thought I'd had a miscarriage I was so upset!

DH took the news better than I did. He checked with HR and found out there would be open enrollment for insurance in Oct. coverage would start 1-1-06. So the waiting began.

January 2 I called my RE office and made an appointment. We had a consultation and she explained everything about the IVF process to me. OVERWHELMING! I have no idea how I am going to get through this. It is so complicated and then the results aren't 100%. Plus with my PCOS my chances of miscarrying are higher than other women. So that's where we sit now. Waiting for insurance to say go ahead and trying not to go hysterical thinking of all the "what Ifs"

My nephew is due 2-4-6 and I can't wait to cuddle him in my arms.