Conditioned

One thing I don't think non-infertile people understand is how we infertiles are conditioned by our infertility.

Our experiences really do shape how we respond to and react to most anything else in the world.

Take for example, Harry's and my search for a home.

We began the process hopeful and excited. We brought our digital camera to all the houses we viewed. We took detailed pictures and extensive notes.

We found a house we loved! Put in a contract and guess what! BFN!

A little disappointed but we moved on...searching....

Found another house we liked... made an offer... someone beat us to it! BFN!

Soon the house searching became tedious and more of a chore than an adventure.

House #3 - BFN
House # 4 - short sale - waited 5 agonizing weeks for-- yep-- a BFN!!
House # 5 - BFN- comeback with more $$
House #6 - BFN
House # 7 - BFN

All our offers were rejected or countered with a much too high price tag for us. Some houses had already received a ratified contract the day we were making our offer. Each phone call from our realtor seemed very much like the phone call from the RE,

"Not this time, it just didn't work."

I knew it was bad when Harry said, "This feels like IVF/IUI all over again. It's like we're being told NO! again."

It seemed like a simple search for a home. With a market in the dumps surely we'd find a house we could call home. We never thought we'd have a single family home in Northern VA but dare we, dare we hope?

And you know what happens when you hope. She turns around and smacks you in the face.

"Ha, ha, take that you silly fools!"

Agonizing, heart breaking, depressing.

So conditioned to failure, so accustomed to heart break.

We understand the word "NO" all too well.

Until Wednesday. On Wednesday we got the phone call. We made an offer on Monday and on Wednesday offer #8 was accepted!!

We should be happy! We should be joyous! We finally made it!

Or have we? Conditioned.

We are terrified we'll loose our house. Silly? perhaps. But we're conditioned to loosing. Conditioned to failing. Conditioned to having the rug ripped out from underneath us.

I won't exhale until I have a RLH (real live house). Our due date (closing) is May 14. The day after Harry's birthday and 4 days before our EDD from our September loss.

Will May suck? It's still a waiting game.

Waiting

Here I am.

Waiting. Again.

It seems my perpetual punishment. To always be waiting. To see what I desire and to have it just out of arms reach.

Waiting.

Harry and I put and offer in on a house 4 weeks ago. And we're still waiting. It's a short sale- so that means a bank must approve out offer and work with the seller to cover the difference in what is owed and what is offered.

So, we're waiting. Stuck in this eternal limbo.

Sometimes it seems all we do is wait.

Wait for a house.
Wait for a baby.
Wait for immigration (that's a whole other story)
Wait for work stuff to sort is self out (that was 3 months of hell)
Wait for a new job

Wait

Wait

Wait

I am so sick and tired of waiting. I seem to be the only one waiting. Everything seems to come so easily for others.

I know I am not alone. So help me feel better and tell me, what are you waiting for?

A Special Gift

** Warning: post mentions birth, babies, and mommies.**

My friend Bella gave me two of the greatest gifts this past Friday.

First, she allowed me to be present at the birth of her daughter. This has been such an amazing and eye opening gift. I will always treasure this gift and thank her from the bottom of my heart for allowing me to share in the special day!

Bella was induced on Friday and I was able to watch her journey through labor to the birth of her daughter. For those of you who have already taken this journey: WOW! For those of you who have yet to experience this life changing event: IT'S AMAZING.

Bella was so strong and brave. I admire her and am so proud of her!

My god-daughter was born into this world with a full head of hair and the cutest poutiest lips I've ever seen! She's a tiny little peanut and so alert. Of course she's beautiful! An angel come to earth!

Bella is having difficulty breastfeeding. Her milk hasn't come in yet and her colostrum is gone! Any words of wisdom would be appreciated --I'll pass it all on to her.

I want to be with her every day! I can't wait to watch her grow into a strong, happy little girl.

The second gift Bella gave me was to ask me to be her daughter's Godmother. I am so honored to be chosen for this very special title. The Spanish have a wonderful word for Godmother. It is comadres. Co -mothers. I am awed and honored beyond words. During the birth Bella's mother kept calling us comadres. Hearing that just fills me with so much love and joy. It is such a special gift.

I am so blessed to have so many babies in my life. I have my nephew, little button; my Goddaughter, peanut; and very soon my new niece.

The pain of infertility is still there. It still stings and I still hear; "See, this is what you can't have". It's not as loud and my love for my babies muffles the shouting pain to a whisper. I still feel it and still know it's pain but I also know the joy and beauty of having children in my life. I will not let infertility steal that joy from me.

I WILL NOT.

Update

You know you think I would have learned not to watch the baby show on that learning channel. Well apparently I am a hard learner. I watched an episode last week and had a minor melt down. I stopped and thought, "Oh. I'll watch this for Bella's sake". Well I of course had an emotional breakdown and rememeberd that I should be pregnant now and that I should be preparing to bring my baby into the world. But I am not.

You know, I've been reflecting on this "Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda" thing. And you know I've decided it I "should" be something I "would". does that make sense?

I am tired of saying; "I should be pregnant", "I should have lost weight", "I should have gone back to school". All this energy and time spent shoulding is not doing me any good.

I've got to give it up and let it go.

If I should be pregant I would be.

On anothoer note...
Still working with my Doctor for my mandatory Physcian assisted weightloss program. That is not going to well. I think I lost maybe 5 lbs. But, hey, I am not really trying.

On the home front -we're buying a house!! The housing market has slumped that we can actually afford a house! We have to move one county south (longer comute) but we can purchase a single family home! We're so excited. We found one we LOVED. But alas someone beat us with a better offer! So we're still looking.

We've been TCC the old fashion way. Ok, you can stop laughing now. It feels good to try. And we're actually not stressed about it. We're having fun (wink, wink) and if it happens, YIPPEE.

My God-daughter is due next month. I am so excited to meet her! I planned her momma's baby shower and actually did ok.

That't it for now. I've been tagged by Bonnie so I'll post tomorrow with my tag response.

When Words Fail...

My deepest sympathy to Mary Ellen and Steve. Please continue to pray for them.

Prayer Vigil

Many of you may know my dear blogger friends Mary Ellen and Steve. ME is pregnant at 17 weeks with triplets. She's having a rough time. Please check out her blog for more information.

I want to offer a prayer vigil for them. I am asking everyone who reads this blog to take a moment and offer a prayer for ME and Steve and the triplets. Pray continually but at 3 p.m. EST (for the 3 triplets) please stop what you are doing and let's all offer a prayer for them.

Here is a prayer you may use along with your own personal prayers.

Heavenly Father, You promise to care for us in all circumstances. As you care for the lilies you promise to care for us. Lord, please be with Mary Ellen as she struggles through this pregnancy. Please touch her with your healing power and help her to carry those precious triplets to 20 weeks. Give her doctors and nurses wisdom and guidance as they seek to care for her and the babies. Give Mary Ellen and Steve peace and hope in this most uncertain time. Surround them with love and care from family and friends. Strengthen those around them so they may be able to minister to them. Lord, you are the God of the impossible, you are the giver of life, we pray, give these babies life. We ask all this in the name of our risen Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Amen.

Phlebotomist Shelbotomist

I went to get blood work done today.

Non ART blood work. (Ironically enough if it were for ART it would be CD1 bw)

I had to go to one of those cattle herding "labs" where you sign in wait half the day then get your blood drawn.

Well after waiting 90 minutes I finally am called back.

I show the phlebotomist old trusty lefty - the vein my RE RN/office always uses.

"I am not going that high up" - she exclaims

Ok lets look at the right...

"YOU should ALWAYS have blood drawn from this arm." she instructs.

Oh sister if you only knew how many needles have stuck this body you'd keep your mouth shut.

Now Calling Number . . .

Yet another friend has announced her pregnancy to me.

One more for them and none for me.

I did very well. I only teared up slightly.

Mostly when she said, "You're next! I know it!"

I've been next so many times, I've given up and jumped out of line.

Luckily it was over the phone so she couldn't see my tears.

It's so hard when you hear the news. You feel so defeated and everything you've been through rushes over you again and you feel it all anew. All the disappointing failures, all the hopelessness, all the loss. It hits you like a tidal wave that would rival anything Godzilla could throw at the Japanese.

You try to engage in small talk, pushing back the urge to sob uncontrollably. Thinking of all the things you know are coming for her but have never experienced.

"Oh, you're 10 weeks, well then your baby is ....."

It hurts

bitterly

And it takes all you have not to break down and scream It takes everything not to shut down and crawl under your desk.

You feel so pathetic, so vulnerable, and so petty.

You want to be happy, you really, really do, but your pain is suffocating - it has dominion over all your emotions.

You just take a deep breath, and utter, "Congratulations" hoping your voice doesn't crack somewhere in the middle.



So when and how did you hear your friend, sister, best friend, barren 98 year old widow, or co-worker were expecting? How did you react?

Hasta La Vista

Good bye 2007. - The year I finally got pregnant and the year I experienced the pain of a miscarriage. That's how I'll always remember 07.

What will 2008 bring?

This New Year's Eve isn't one that's exciting or hopeful. It's just so so.

May all of you have a happy New Year's. I hope 2008 holds all your dreams.

New Hobby

I've discovered gambling!

Well not what you might consider your traditional gambling!

It's gambling with coupons. Only difference is you always win!!

I am so into it I had to start another blog! Check it out

http://crazysexysavings.blogspot.com/


Oh, yeah, I am serious!

70 million

That's how many sperm were in Harry's latest seamen analysis!

Can you believe it! He went from an abysmal 2 mil to 70 mil!!!

We are ecstatic

Our urologist (Dr. P) ;)- has put Harry on an estrogen suppressant. His blood work showed a good level of testerone but a way too high level of estrogen. I think the ratio was 1 to 3.

For once we are completely hopeful and excited that we can have a baby and that possibly IUI will work for us!

On a different note - I had to reformat my computer. So I lost all my blog favorites! So if I've visited your blog (or if I should visit your blog :) ) could you please leave a comment so I can link back to it!

Approved

I've been approved for gas.t.ric ban.ding.

I have three criteria to meet before the surgery

1. 6 months of a physician assisted weight loss program
2. 2 years of medical records
3. psychological evaluation

Number 2 and 3 are not problem. It's the first criteria that pains me.

6 more months. Not only does that mean 6 more months before the surgery but that pushes out pregnancy even further. At first I was a little depressed with this news. I mean I've already waited 4 years to get pregnant. Now having to wait another year to 18 months. -UGH!

I've accepted it and am taking steps to get there. Thanks for all the support! You've all been so wonderful.

A Different Kind of Journey

I am starting a different journey.

I am not finished with the journey through infertility but it's being postponed.

I am on a weight loss to health journey.

As much as I want a child now I know that I cannot and should not get pregnant at this weight. It pains me to postpone my IF journey but if I want to find success I need to start and finish my weight loss journey first.

I had a consult yesterday for ga.st.ric ban.din..g.

It was great and I really like my doctor. For the first time I feel like I have some control of my life and I will reach a goal I've set for myself.

I am excited and hopeful that the band will help not only with weight loss but with PCOS as well.

My doc seems to think so too - granted he is no RE but he's a fatty specialist.

So, things are in motion for the surgery. Don't have any specifics (much like starting ART) but I am excited and very, very hopeful.

I haven't decided if I'll continue posting here or if I'll start a new blog. Whichever choice I make I'll be sure to let you know!

Shameless Advertisement

I am a part-time consultant for one of those home based businesses. I originally started the part time business to help with the costs of ART. You know the one where you go to your friends home and host a party and people buy things. You know the cookware company that loves to pamper its cooks? ;)

So, I wanted to invite all my blogger friends to a virtual party! If you'd like to purchase anything please send me an e-mail to sunny_jenny05486atyahoo.com and I'll send you a link to the website. I can ship to anywhere in the US and Canada! I also have great gift ideas for under $10.

Thanks for the support!

Broken

Blood work confirmed what I knew in my heart.

I feel like a broken record but really, "I don't know how many more failed cycles I can take."

It is so heartbreaking and drains every bit of hope, encouragement, life, joy, and peace out of my soul. I am left as a shadow, a shell of who I am.

I am not doing very well at hiding it anymore. People ask me how I am doing and I say,

"Fine." but they know I am not and often remind me that I don't look "fine".

I am so tired-- so worn out-- so beat up.

We're taking a break. I want to try to enjoy my favorite time of year. I want to focus on my family and friends and enjoy this holiday season.

Harry is going to see a urologist. We need to figure out what is going on with his swimmers.

I am trying to start up my exercise and healthy eating. I NEED TO LOOSE WEIGHT! I know this beyond any doubt. Because even if I get pregnant again my PCOS may not let me stay pregnant.

It's so hard. I had planned to get up and exercise this morning-- but once again hit the snooze. Why can't I just do it? If I really want a baby so badly why can't I do what I know will help increase my chances? WHY! -- I am so desperate I am even considering gastri.c. ba.nd.ing.

I am just feeling so utterly hopeless and useless right now.

Negative

HPT says not pregnant.

Funk

I am in a funk.

I don't think I am pregnant.

I am so freakin' tired of all this crap.

I just want a baby.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. How much more hope I can loose.

I am so drained. SO stinkin' tired.

Harry is sure we'll be parents one day. I am not so sure.

I feel totally hopeless...

I am symptom less. Don't really feel anything.

Why do so many people around me get to be pregnant but not me. Why?

I am so sick and tired of smiling to cover my pain.

It hurts.

Chooo Chooo!!!!!!

I did it!!

I ordered these!

I can't wait any longer!! I have to know!!

Surrounded

I am surrounded by pregnant women.

They're in the bookstore.

They're in the grocery check-out line.

They're in the elevator going to my RE's.

They're popping up everywhere! Why does it seem like everyone is getting pregnant...

Everyone but me....

It's really kind of commical. I knew I wasn't imagining things when Harry commented,

"What's with all the pregnant women?"

I found out last night that another friend is pregnant.

I found out from someone else. In the middle of a meeting. Not good.

I held it together. I am surprised. Maybe it's because she already has two little girls. But it still stings.

It stings to see so many people around me getting to have what I so desperately want. The jealousy is tortuous.

And now Giada announces she's pregnant! If Rachel announces she's pregnant, I'll loose it for sure!

Surrounded, I tell you!

3 dpiui

Lying in bed, the night before our last IUI, snuggled close to Harry; when completely out of the blue he says;

“CHOOO-CHOOO! All aboard the crazy train!”

How nice! My dear husband is prepared for this crazy 2 ww! I think he’s finally getting an idea of what it’s like to be the vessel of this insanity.

I strangely feel nothing. My left ovary is still a little sensitive but I feel nothing.

Our RE RN said, “It’s looked better” when asked about Harry’s sample.

I am not making any assumptions this cycle – after last month’s debacle – I am not going there again.