Revisiting Adoption vs. IVF

May years ago I wrote a post on the topic of adoption and infertility treatments. Now I sit hear years later and am going through the adoption process as well as pregnant from a successful IVF.

At the time I remember well meaning friends suggesting that I should "just adopt" because I was dealing with infertility.

Looking back I think the real pain comes not from the suggestion of the adoption but from the thought that the pain of my infertility could be relieved or cured simply by adopting.

My point of contention is when people find out you're having difficulty conceiving and assume "well just adopt". As if adoption is a cure for infertility - "oh your body isn't working correctly - you want a baby? - well just adopt! " I feel the same way when after a miscarriage well meaning people say, "We'll you can just have another one! You'll get pregnant again!" - NEITHER of these "reasons" erase the pain and hurt that come from infertility and miscarriage.

Adoption is a beautiful path to parenthood . Adoption is not an easy fix and not a cure for the pain and hurt that comes with infertility. Adoption it's self is often met with it's own share of heartbreak and hurdles. Some people wait years to even receive a placement and some couples never receive a permanent placement. Adoption in it's self is a journey that requires preparation and prayer.

I guess what I am getting at is that adoption and ART are two different paths - but equally as difficult and equally as valid a choice. But it is a choice for a couple to make.

I love both my children equally and would never change my journey for one second. All the bumps and bruises have made me the mom I am today. My struggles and pain are mine - and they help to make me the person I am today.

With Every Beat of My Heart

We saw a heart beat!

I moved my scan up because I had some more spotting last Thursday. There was no way I could wait a whole week!

I've also been released from me RE. It was very bitter sweet! I've been with these folks for 5 years and to finally be leaving is really sad. They're really a wonderful practice. I am so thankful they were a part of this journey!

My OBGYN appointment is next Friday. It's a new doctor so this should be interesting. Hopefully we'll be good together.

I am feeling a little more confident about this pregnancy now. I am trying to enjoy every minute and not worry about somethign going wrong until it actually does.

Thanks for all the well wishes! I love reading your comments!

A Scare and Some Good News

IVF
Friday I was spotting....

Of course this sent me into a minor freak out.

I called my BFF at 6:30 am who rushed over and took my to me RE.

RE did a scan which showed a beautiful yolk sac in just the right place at just the right size. BETA came back at 4995.

So, spotting is pretty typical and in my case nothing to worry about. I haven't really had any since Friday so I am relieved.

Everyday is just another step closer to a real live baby. These are going to be the longest 9 months of my life!

ADOPTION
Yesterday I went to see a different doctor. My husband, daughter, and I were in the exam room talking about my baby and my pregnancy and then the doctor said (in regards to my adoptive daughter) "even though she's not yours." - No worries - that doctor is still alive. I quickly corrected her and could see she was slightly embarassed. My daughter is 100% mine. We share no DNA and I didn't carry her in my womb - but none the less she is 100% mine. She is the answer to years of tears and prayers and is a complete gift and blessing to me. She is mine and will be mine forever.

On another note ....we receive the adoption petitions yesterday!! We're signing them today and then sending them off to the court! Hopefully we'll have a court date sometime this summer to finalize the adoption for our beautiful baby girl!

My follow up scan is set for July 7.

3rd BETA

So far so good.

I think my biggest problem is over thinking this whole thing. I am dealing with a bit of "survivors guilt" I really need to stop Googling BETA numbers. I feel so horrible for all the women who have recently experienced loss in the online community. To top it off a good friend of mine (who conceived without any reproductive assistance) just miscarried at 8 weeks. Our babies would have been weeks apart. What makes me any different? All the stories of babies lost are running through my mind and now I remember why I took a break from IVF for so long!

I did go for blood work again this morning. My numbers are 903 hCG. My doctor is very pleased and doesn't want to see me until July 7 for a scan. So I guess this is good.

Hesitantly Happy

Well, I am still pregnant!

However, I am so freaked out that something will go wrong. I know so many women who've been where I am and don't end with a healthy baby.

I went in for more blood work this morning. BETA level was 133. Doctor said it was good. Is it good? I would have loved a 200 or something.

Why can't I be over the moon happy? Why I am constantly checking to see if there is blood?

Ugh, infertility really messes with you!

I go back Monday for blood work again.

Hoping I can stay sane until then!

Unbelievable

It's happened.

That day I never thought would come!

I am PREGNANT!!!

My RE confirmed my results yesterday!

At 11DP3DT My BETA was 53 mIU/hCG

I go Thursday for more blood work!

I can't even begin to describe the feeling of complete bliss! This is amazing!

Of course as anyone who's struggled with infertility knows, the journey is just beginning.

I've passed the first hurdle! Now I just need to stay pregnant! I'll post again about specifics!

4 dp3dt

Well here we are again.... Waiting....

We transferred 3 embryos on Thursday (June 2)

1 - 8 cell grade 2
1 - 8 cell grade 3
1 - 7 cell grade 4

Transfer was great. I really love our RE. She is amazing and has been with us these past 5 years.

I am trying my hardest to stay calm and not read into symptoms or lack there of.....

Waiting with a 6 month old is definitely different than waiting all alone.

I am doing much better this time than previous times - although I do swing back and forth from I think I am pregnant - to it didn't work....

So, I'll just be here...waiting...

Don't Put All My Eggs in One Dish!

This IVF is so completely different from my first one over 5 years ago. WOW!

Egg retrieval was Monday. We were only able to retrieve 5 eggs. We had already decided we didn't want to freeze any embryos so I am not too worried about the 5 eggs. 3 of the 5 were mature and fertilized.

Transfer is set for Thursday morning.

I am doing pretty good. I am excited but not too obsessed about it. Hoping I can survive the 2 week wait without going insane and taking a pregnancy test every day.

I am most concerned about being able to care for my 6 month old during the time between the BETA and whatever else comes down the road.

Anybody Out There?

I am not even sure if I still have readers. I've been so absent from the blogging world that I don't even know who's who anymore!

I originally started this blog as an out let for all the anger, sadness, frustrations, and disappoints that I was experiencing dealing with my infertility. Meeting other women in my shoes and sharing your stories were a life saver and really helped me at that time.

My journey has taken me on one wild ride. From wanting to conceive, to infertility treatments, to despair, to nothing, to foster/adoption, to motherhood, and now back to IVF.

ADOPTION
I am a woman of faith. And one of the hardest things about being infertile was dealing with my anger towards God. I was so absolutely furious that he would not deliver me from this infertility. It was a hard road to walk and many times I nearly walked away from God and faith altogether. I mad God the bad guy in this story. I really didn't want to pursue adoption for a million reason - #1 being I WAS going to get pregnant. It took years for God to change my heart and I give my husband all the credit for his loving patience in dealing with me and my stubbornness. In the spring of 2009 I finally agreed to "investigate" fostering to adoption. In November 2010 we brought our 3 day old daughter home from the hospital. On June 1 we will file the official adoption papers and hope to have things finalized by August.

I am a woman of faith - and I know that all the things I have been through have led me to where I am today. I could not see God's plan for me - I could not see that I would have my precious baby who needed me to be her mommy. God knew all this and even when I raged against him in tears and cries for mercy I know that he too cried with me. I have a great understanding of God's love and purpose in my life - a greater trust in his love and provision. We still marvel at this 6 month old little blessing and I know that even though I didn't carry her in my womb she was born in my heart the day I set foot on my journey to become a mom. She is mine and I am hers.

IVF 2.1
Before we knew we would be placed with a child my husband and I had decided that 2011 would be our last shot at infertility treatments. It seems crazy to have a 6 month old at home and trying to get pregnant - but call us crazy!

So on Sunday I began injections. It's a pretty simple protocol and a lot has changed in the 4 years since my last IVF. Our plan is for a 5 day transfer.

Are you there?
So if you're still out there I'd love to hear from you? Where are you in your journey? Please let me know!

Every Day is a Gift

Life has changed!

We are so blessed. Not much I can say about the whole foster care thing except that we are hoping to adopt her.

She is so precious and we are so absolutely in love with her.

We decided about 18 months ago to begin the adoption route along with IVF. We've gone through the foster care/adoption route via our local county because it is fantastic and we know a few families who've adopted via foster care. I must say we've struck gold.

We still plan on doing IVF again - perhaps in February or March.

For right now we are so blissfully happy. We pray she is ours forever but only time will tell as her case is processed. We take each day as a gift and trust that God is working out the details.

Thankgiving

My world has changed in one week.

About a year ago we began training to become foster parents.

Tuesday night we got a call that we had a placement.

Thursday I brought home a newborn baby girl.

I am amazed.

I am in love.

I am in shock.

I am a mom...

Fertility Update

Well we did get back on the TCC Wagon!

We gave it the good old college try. The perfectly planned intercourse, the obsessive symptom checking, and even blowing money on three unnecessary HPTs!

So the first month was a bust.

And it turns out I have another infertility factor to add to my cup! Ladies and Gentlemen I am an the proud owner of an polyp!

How excited am I!

The only good thing about this polyp is I went back to my RE after a three year absence to be diagnosed. It was so good to see her and the staff again. She's very excited about my weight loss and thinks I am on the right track! She's a fantastic doctor!

One good thing is that during my ever so pleasant vaginal ultra sound my doctor took a peak at my ovaries. In her words, "Your ovaries look good! They don't even look polycyscitc!"

So I am scheduled for a DNC to remove the polyp and once I've recovered from that it may be time to start the ball rolling with the infertility treatments again. I know we'll have to do a full work up to check all my levels. But I am hoping the weight loss has improved my odds!

So ladies... I AM BACK!!!

Do I Get Back On?

I am off of metformin! Been off for 90 days and have had 3 cycles! This last one was a non medicated 32 day cycle!!

As a PCOS girl this is pretty amazing! DH and I are pretty excited and starting to talk about getting pregnant again.

But for the past month all I've been dong is thinking about babies. I keep dreaming that I am pregnant. Obviously, my subconscious is trying to work this whole thing out.

I know I am not going back to the RE until January. So if anything will try the old fashioned way. -- And we know how well that's worked for us in the past! \

I really torn on weather or not I am ready to jump back into the craziness of ttc. I've been pretty content having worked through some of my infertility baggage and know how crazy and heart breaking that infertility roller coaster can be.

UGH!

New Blog

Well the new blog is up and running! It's completely open and shows (or will show) pictures of the new me.

My infertility blog was meant to be done anonymously where as this new blog is totally open to and honest.

If you'd like the link to the new blog please e-mail me (should be in my profile).

Thanks! I am sure I'll be back here one day!

Big Changes Coming

Well I am making a big change soon! A new blog and a new direction....

Some of you may know what's coming. It's taken me a while to get here but my whole world will change on March 10.

Check back for a link to the new blog.

On Hiatus

Well I am not sure if anyone is still reading this blog.



I could make a list of why I haven't posted but honestly I've had to distance myself from infertility to live.



Those of us suffering with infertility know the all consuming hold it has on every aspect of my life. For me this was especially true. Focusing on my infertility really caused me to loose joy in my life. So much of my time was spent living in the past and "what ifs"



I really let go of living there...in infertile land...



That's not too say I don't live with the pain everyday. May is especially hard for me. Seeing babies/children that are the age of a child I didn't have still hurts.



My youngest brother's wife is pregnant. I was able to take the news and utter a faked "Congratulations!" for him. I kept myself together on the phone and cried when I called my husband. The pain is still there and will be there forever. Learning to live beyond it is the challenge we all face.



I've been able to move on. I haven't given up my journey. I am only postponing it.



Hope you're all well and learning to move through the pain...

A Real Live House

We finally made it!

As home owners!!

After a rough week of delayed closing and getting all the needed documents, we finally closed today!

One thing accomplished! It certainly feels surreal!

Conditioned

One thing I don't think non-infertile people understand is how we infertiles are conditioned by our infertility.

Our experiences really do shape how we respond to and react to most anything else in the world.

Take for example, Harry's and my search for a home.

We began the process hopeful and excited. We brought our digital camera to all the houses we viewed. We took detailed pictures and extensive notes.

We found a house we loved! Put in a contract and guess what! BFN!

A little disappointed but we moved on...searching....

Found another house we liked... made an offer... someone beat us to it! BFN!

Soon the house searching became tedious and more of a chore than an adventure.

House #3 - BFN
House # 4 - short sale - waited 5 agonizing weeks for-- yep-- a BFN!!
House # 5 - BFN- comeback with more $$
House #6 - BFN
House # 7 - BFN

All our offers were rejected or countered with a much too high price tag for us. Some houses had already received a ratified contract the day we were making our offer. Each phone call from our realtor seemed very much like the phone call from the RE,

"Not this time, it just didn't work."

I knew it was bad when Harry said, "This feels like IVF/IUI all over again. It's like we're being told NO! again."

It seemed like a simple search for a home. With a market in the dumps surely we'd find a house we could call home. We never thought we'd have a single family home in Northern VA but dare we, dare we hope?

And you know what happens when you hope. She turns around and smacks you in the face.

"Ha, ha, take that you silly fools!"

Agonizing, heart breaking, depressing.

So conditioned to failure, so accustomed to heart break.

We understand the word "NO" all too well.

Until Wednesday. On Wednesday we got the phone call. We made an offer on Monday and on Wednesday offer #8 was accepted!!

We should be happy! We should be joyous! We finally made it!

Or have we? Conditioned.

We are terrified we'll loose our house. Silly? perhaps. But we're conditioned to loosing. Conditioned to failing. Conditioned to having the rug ripped out from underneath us.

I won't exhale until I have a RLH (real live house). Our due date (closing) is May 14. The day after Harry's birthday and 4 days before our EDD from our September loss.

Will May suck? It's still a waiting game.

Waiting

Here I am.

Waiting. Again.

It seems my perpetual punishment. To always be waiting. To see what I desire and to have it just out of arms reach.

Waiting.

Harry and I put and offer in on a house 4 weeks ago. And we're still waiting. It's a short sale- so that means a bank must approve out offer and work with the seller to cover the difference in what is owed and what is offered.

So, we're waiting. Stuck in this eternal limbo.

Sometimes it seems all we do is wait.

Wait for a house.
Wait for a baby.
Wait for immigration (that's a whole other story)
Wait for work stuff to sort is self out (that was 3 months of hell)
Wait for a new job

Wait

Wait

Wait

I am so sick and tired of waiting. I seem to be the only one waiting. Everything seems to come so easily for others.

I know I am not alone. So help me feel better and tell me, what are you waiting for?

A Special Gift

** Warning: post mentions birth, babies, and mommies.**

My friend Bella gave me two of the greatest gifts this past Friday.

First, she allowed me to be present at the birth of her daughter. This has been such an amazing and eye opening gift. I will always treasure this gift and thank her from the bottom of my heart for allowing me to share in the special day!

Bella was induced on Friday and I was able to watch her journey through labor to the birth of her daughter. For those of you who have already taken this journey: WOW! For those of you who have yet to experience this life changing event: IT'S AMAZING.

Bella was so strong and brave. I admire her and am so proud of her!

My god-daughter was born into this world with a full head of hair and the cutest poutiest lips I've ever seen! She's a tiny little peanut and so alert. Of course she's beautiful! An angel come to earth!

Bella is having difficulty breastfeeding. Her milk hasn't come in yet and her colostrum is gone! Any words of wisdom would be appreciated --I'll pass it all on to her.

I want to be with her every day! I can't wait to watch her grow into a strong, happy little girl.

The second gift Bella gave me was to ask me to be her daughter's Godmother. I am so honored to be chosen for this very special title. The Spanish have a wonderful word for Godmother. It is comadres. Co -mothers. I am awed and honored beyond words. During the birth Bella's mother kept calling us comadres. Hearing that just fills me with so much love and joy. It is such a special gift.

I am so blessed to have so many babies in my life. I have my nephew, little button; my Goddaughter, peanut; and very soon my new niece.

The pain of infertility is still there. It still stings and I still hear; "See, this is what you can't have". It's not as loud and my love for my babies muffles the shouting pain to a whisper. I still feel it and still know it's pain but I also know the joy and beauty of having children in my life. I will not let infertility steal that joy from me.

I WILL NOT.