The Pendulum Swings

Back to Psychosis

So I haven't had a cramp since Saturday 6 PO. Usually I am all cramped out here on DC 23 AF knocking on my cervix.

What is going on! I am so freaking out! I just want to know. This has been the most emotional 2ww since IVF #1.

So now I don't know.

I want to POAS so badly. After Pee Stick 100 got thrown into the garbage, I vowed never to POAS again until AF was a bonafide no show.

DEAR LORD HELP ME!

Diagnosis: Psychosis

Well I am pack down to earth.

Translation:
WTF was I thinking?

Cramps started...

period in T -minus 7 days....

Psychosis or Symptoms

I think maybe I am pregnant.

Ok, I wish I was pregnant.

For the first time since our IF diagnosis, Harry and I had sex during ovulation. It’s not like we were on strike, but this month, it was as if the stars had aligned.

I new I was ovulating. I am sure of it. Since I’ve upped my Met I’ve been having a 26 – 28 day cycle. With the exception of my March PCOS Period I’ve been pretty regular.

So Sunday was my O day and Harry and had one of the greatest intimate encounters of our marriage. It was earth shaking. It wasn’t until we were way into it that I realized, “HOLY SMOKES! I AM OVULATING”.

So for the past 5 days I’ve been doing the maybe baby dance – for the first time in 2 years.

Yesterday I started feeling nausea – not vomit – just persistent nausea – the way I feel when I take estrogen for an FET.

Today the heartburn started – like when I am on the PIO shots.

I am insane.

You’re the only people who understand my insanity. I am sure in 10 days I’ll get my period and be back in the blues.

But could it be possible… is there a chance that one of Harry’s lazy, misshapen, confused sperm found its way to my obstinate egg?

I’ve already goggled pregnancy symptoms and the due date calculator.

Is hoping that is happened worth the potential disappointment?

And if I am pregnant what will I say to all those people who told me to relax, cause damit I WAS relaxing!

The Comback

People say the crappiest things. I know that not everyone has evil intentions with their comments, but sometimes people really just need to keep their comments to themselves. Deep down I know people mean well. But you see most of us don’t live deep down. We live up here where words do hit harder than fists and one well meaning comment can send one of us into a spiral of emotional turmoil.

I believe preparation is the key. I am disgusted with my generic, lackadaisical response to these idiotic comments. The time has come to tell people the truth, to stop caring more for their self esteem and more for my emotional well being.

The following is what I like to refer to as my Stupid IF Comments 1st Aid Kit. I am developing my come backs for all those idiotic comments that people are bound to thoughtless toss at me more than likely trying to make themselves feel better than in an honest attempt to bring me some comfort.

The Well There’s Always Adoption Comment:
Actually, no. (pregnant pause {pun intended}) Adoption isn’t a cure for infertility. Children are not items that can replace one another. Adopting a child will not erase all the emotional and physical pain of infertility. We will always be infertile. While adoption is a very wonderful path to parenthood it is NOT a cure for the inability to conceive a child with your spouse. And right now it’s not an option for us.

The Just Relax Comment:
Relax? That’s it? You mean if my husband relaxes his abysmal sperm will mover faster, in a straight line, and copiously reproduce! Geez Lousie, I am calling my doctor right away! I wonder if relaxation works for cancer patients too.

The I Knew Someone Who Comment:
Really (in an incredulous tone), I actually Goggled that one and it’s an Urban Legend.

As you can see it's a starter kit. Composed of the bare IF survival essentials. The Kit will grow as I encounter more and more people. Please feel free to use my 1st Aid Kit as needed. I appreciate any suggestions you may have or perhaps you have your own Kit and would like to compare its contents.

Remember a Baby Scout is always prepared.

Do It Yourself Conception Kit

Ok, I have to talk about this.

Have you all heard of this First-At Home Conception Kit?

I am a little unsure about how I feel about this kit.

I wish it existed 3 years ago when we first started TTC.

and yet,

I feel that it may just be postponing couples from seeking the care of a professional RE.

One does need a prescription...

Maybe I am just bitter.

What are your thoughts?

Good Luck Mi Amiga

Well my good friend Bella is on the other side of her first IUI.

Welcome honey to my side I pray you'll have more sucess than me.

Give her some encouragement and wish her well-- she could use some support!

False Alarm

Looks like I jumped the gun!

28 day cycle ! HA!

My period is playing peek-a-boo and I think I am having what I lovingly refer to as a PCOS Period. All my cysters can relate-- you know that one where your hormones are so messed up your body doesn't know what to do.

Oh the joy!

Thankfully I am so jaded I haven't decided that this time I AM DEFINITELY PREGNANT and peed on 10 sticks waiting for one to tell me the answer I am looking for.

Peek - a- boo I don't see you!

28 Days Later

I just had my first 28 day cycle in 100 years!

Perhaps the new dosage of metformin or the recent weightloss (lost 18 lbs). Or perhaps it is a combination of both.

Whatever it is I'll take a 28 day cycle!

And The Award Goes To...

I am sitting here watching the O*cars...

And I am thinking there should be some awards or something for those of us going through infertility.

Here are some categories I've thought of:

Most eggs retrieved

Most blood drawn in a cycle

Best Valium high from transfer

Most tears shed over a BFN

Most hopeful

Most likely to jump off a bridge

I mean kids get trophies for playing all sorts of sports and science fairs. If I can't walk away with a baby I'd like something other than a sore bumm, an overflowing sharps box, and a maxed out credit card to show for my efforts.

What categories can you think of to award one another? I am interested to hear!

Oh, yeah I changed the blog a bit. This is pretty much the extent of my remodeling abilities. I had to change the name-- much simpler.

Update:
I had to add this update award idea from Town Criers

Best performance for getting through someone else's pregnancy annoucement.

I have SO been there! Unfortunatley my deer infront of headlights reaction probably wouldn't win any awards!

Gave It All Away

Well it's official.

I gave all my meds away.

I turned them into my RE's office to be given to any couple that doesn't have insurance and needs meds.

It was hard... put that follistim has been sitting in my fridge for nearly a year and I just couldn't bare to look at it and I couldn't let those precious meds go to waste.

If my meds aren't going to get me pregnant they have to get someone pregnant.

I did talk with Harry before I dropped off the meds. He is cool with waiting until August. He seemed a little disappointed but he completely supports me. I wasn't afraid to tell him about my decision but more afraid that telling him would make it real. Harry is already thinking about what if IVF never works for us. I think he's ready to move onto Foster care/adoption. I am not so ready. My sweet Harry is so supportive of my desire and lovingly follows me in our reproductive choices. I love my guy.

My infertile friend has her first IUI scheduled for March. She's using my RE. I went to the office with her (that's when I dropped off my meds). I really love my RE staff. It was nice to see them and they are all so supportive. No pressure from them at all to cycle again. I am really happy for her and hope she'll have success with her first ART procedure, unlike so many of us. It's hard to be hopeful for her because I know the pain and disappointment that come with ART. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

I love you all and hope all my new mommies hold your babies extra close tonight and remember all of us still in ART hell, and all my pregnant ladies are happy and still grateful for their success, and to all my gals still waiting...it sucks.

That pretty much sums it all up!

Secret Decision

I've made a secret decision.

I haven't discussed it with my husband yet.

Just my therapist.

Now I am going to confess to blogland...

I am not doing another fresh cycle until August.

I am not made of the same stuff some of you IVFers are. I can't jump from cycle to cycle -- disappoint met to disappointment. You're all so strong.

I know the odds say - more IVF cycles = greater chance of conception.

But I am still too broken.

For now I am concentrating on work and my health.

I am giving my meds to my clinic to give to a non-insured client. I can't look at them any longer.

I just have to find the courage to tell Harry. I don't know how he'll react.

Stand Back Woman Having Emotional Breakdown in Baby Aisle

It was a normal shopping experience at that store with the bulls eye logo.

Harry and I putter around the store picking up needed items.

Your normal average day.

Until I wonder over to the baby aisle. Normally I am okay in this often unknown territory, but if I go there looking for my little nephew, I usually have no problem.

I always love to pick him out little onesies with cool logos like:

Spit Happens

or

Bald is Beautiful

But on this day I saw this...

there it was, a little pink onesies. I was paralyzed and overwhelmed with emotions. This little pink snappy shirt thing brought me to an emotional ball of tears and snot in less than 2 seconds.

I took a picture with my camera phone. I wanted to buy it but have a major aversion to buying any personal baby products. So there is stayed. On its little baby hanger.

Little baby you are worth the wait.

I am just tired of waiting.

No News

We haven't heard a single thing about the possible adoption.

I am okay with that.

I sent a letter off but haven't heard back from either my brother's girlfriend (the cousin of the birth mother) or the birth mother.

It's a little dissappointing but no where near as heart breaking as a BFN.

We're okay, saddened by the lack of news, but okay.

I am working on improving my physical health. So far so good. Don't know when the next cycle will be. Most likely not until the summer or fall.

I am still reading you.

Dazed and Confused

Harry and I are still both in some sort of hazy dream world.

It's as if this is happening to someone else and we're merely observers.

Neither of us has really even considered that it will really happen.

I think we're operating under the, "Oh, wouldn't that be nice if..."

To scared to even consider the possibility.

We don't even use the "A" word. Instead we refer to it as "That Thing"

I can hear Harry's heart yearning to hope and wanting to jump feet first into excitement.

I sent a letter to the birth mother. I may post bits of the letter later.

Now we're in a 2ww of sorts.

New Year's Eve Miracle

I can't even believe my fingers are typing this post.

Harry and I were on our way to my parent's home for New Year's Eve when I got a phone call.

My brother's girlfriend wanted to know if Harry and I were interested in adopting her cousin's baby.

Her cousin, let's call her Jossie, is 17 in high school and planning on putting the baby up for adoption. All she wants is for the baby to go to a Christian Home.

Harry and I are shell shocked. We're still processing what this would mean. There's no guarantee that we would be chosen....

but....

the possibility.....

It's a boy - due in February....

Yeah, shell shocked.

PCOS Strikes Back

CD 55 no period...

Could it be?

Is it possible??

Perhaps a Christmas Miracle. . .

Come on, Sunny Jenny, haven't you learned your lesson yet!!

It's just your PCOS acting up again!

My missing menstrual cycle promted me to visit my RE clinic. I do love them. They were so warm and welcoming. Its the first time I've been back since the canceled FET at the end of September.

Got the call this morning, "BETA is negative. Increase your MET to 2000 mg a day."

Oh, yeah, oh yeah!

Don't know where I am reproductively. Not ready for a fresh cycle but ready for a baby. Just hanging in there feeling more and more hopeless as everyone around me, fertile and infertile, conceive.

Bah, Humbug

Mi Amiga en Infertilidad

The ironies of life are truly amazing.

I am not sure my relationship with Bella is ironic and I may be using the word incorrectly but the relationship is definitely divinely influenced.

I met Bella about 4 years ago. She is a beautiful woman and has become a very close friend. Bella is a funny girl. We laugh, cry, commiserate, and eat together! She's a good friend and we've shared many struggles! I was honored to have her wear my wedding veil in her ceremony and feel very close and blessed to have Bella in my live.

Of course her real name isn't Bella but I picked it to try and convey the internal and external beauty that encompasses her. She'd be the last one on earth to call herself beautiful. Like many women she struggles with a negative body image. Somehow she still manages to ooze love and joy out of her pores everytime I see her. She's the kind of woman that lights up a room, the kind that people are drawn to, and the type of friend you want to call when you feel down in the dumps. She's also very silly -- and sometimes you just have to shake your head!

She's overcome a lot. She's from a South American country and often forgets that English is her third language!

Bella and I share a heritage and a faith whichs makes us especially close. Although she doesn't put hard boiled eggs in her lasagna -- I still love her!

So, Bella has been with me from the beginning of my infertility journey. She's been one of those safe friends you can tell anything to. She doesn't say stupid things like: relax or just adopt. She listens and wants to know more but mostly she just says, "Yeah man that sucks."

I've taught her everything about IVF-- even drawing her pictures. -- She's soaked it all in learning and discovering because it affects me and she wants to know about my life.

We have so many things in common. We share a heritage, similar sense of humor, our husbands are English, love of make-up, both drama mammas (although she's much more dramatic), and now we share infertility.

Bella and Mr. Bella have begun discovering that they may be infertile.

Around January Bella started making plans for a baby. She went off of oral contraceptives and started to ask all sorts of questions of me - -her expert in fertility. I was happy to talk with her and I know deep in her heart she has always wanted me to be pregnant first.

At first Bella moaned about wanting to conceive a girl. "How can I .... " Was all she asked! She talked about different positions and Chinese birthing calendars all in the quest for a baby girl. I just looked on fondly with the scars of infertility and scratched my head.

"Bella, give it a few month and you won't care -- boy or girl-- you'll want a baby."

Months of trying and no baby brought Bella to the conclusion....

"Any baby -- just get me pregnant!"

Tests concluded Mr. and Mrs. Bella need IUI to make a baby.

I've seen her go through the tcc struggle and know Mr. Bella is struggling with the idea of needing ART to make a baby. It's sad to see this happening outside of yourself.

I've been able to tell Bella all that I can, unfortunately she's seen my struggle and can only see heart ache.

It's so difficult to see Bella go from fertility selective to fertility challenged. The change of this vivacious hope filled women to one of despair, hurt, and anger.

I remember speaking to her about my anger towards God. She couldn't understand...

Yesterday she told me she understands...

I joked with her yesterday about her wearing my veil-- "Hey maybe I cursed you."

Two of us. Drawn together. Is it a gift or a curse?

Which one of us is gifted and which of us is cursed?

I am not sure.

My Own Therapy

Harry and I just got back from a lovely three day weekend with Little Button. He's now 8 months old and the cutest thing in the world.

For some people struggling with IF seeing babies is a heartbreaker. For the most part it does tear me up too. Harry made the comment the other day, "I see pregnant women everywhere." It's affecting him too.

But, when I am with Little Button I feel whole. He makes everything better and I love to hold him and cherish every minute with this little bundle of snot buggers (he's getting over a cold). The hard part is that I only get to see him a few days every other month. But the time we do have is precious.

Period came and went. Don't know what we're going to do next. Just waiting until we feel ready. Some days I am ready to get started on a new cycle but most days I am scared stiff with the whole idea of failing again.

So we're just taking it one period at a time.

Sinking In...

Very slowly I am realizing that all my frosties are gone...

I am starting all over.

No guarantee of maybe babies frozen in time . . .

I can't believe none of them are my baby. . .

Not one . . .

Can I do this again...

What if IVF/ISCI #2 ends up the same way?

How much can one person take?

There is no more hope for the 12. They're all gone. I wonder what happened to my last three underachievers? How did they end? Were they treated with dignity? With respect? The potential for human life. Were they flushed down the sink with the technician's cold Starbucks? Did they know I believed in them? Did they know I loved them?

Why didn't I let them die in my womb? Why did they have to die in that cold dish?

My pastor says there is grace and forgiveness.

I am not worried about forgiveness.

I am worried about regret.

Say Good Bye to Elephant Boy

None of our three embryos developed overnight.

RE called this morning with the news.

They were alive -- but not growing or "cleaved"

She said we could go ahead with the transfer but our chances of implantation were next to none. She was concerned for my well being and the turmoil of the 2ww hoping for something that was near impossible.

My RE said she's seen embryos like this and had never had a pregnancy before.

Harry and I discussed it and decided to pass on the transfer and say good bye to all 12 of April 06 embryos.

I can't believe they're all dead. All 12 of them. DEAD

As you can imagine I am emotionally devastated. I've talked to my therapist already.

Harry and I are going to spend the day together. Doing what I don't know.

Thanks for all the care and support. I don't know what's next -- well a fresh cycle is next -- I just don't know when.