Hasta La Vista

Good bye 2007. - The year I finally got pregnant and the year I experienced the pain of a miscarriage. That's how I'll always remember 07.

What will 2008 bring?

This New Year's Eve isn't one that's exciting or hopeful. It's just so so.

May all of you have a happy New Year's. I hope 2008 holds all your dreams.

New Hobby

I've discovered gambling!

Well not what you might consider your traditional gambling!

It's gambling with coupons. Only difference is you always win!!

I am so into it I had to start another blog! Check it out

http://crazysexysavings.blogspot.com/


Oh, yeah, I am serious!

70 million

That's how many sperm were in Harry's latest seamen analysis!

Can you believe it! He went from an abysmal 2 mil to 70 mil!!!

We are ecstatic

Our urologist (Dr. P) ;)- has put Harry on an estrogen suppressant. His blood work showed a good level of testerone but a way too high level of estrogen. I think the ratio was 1 to 3.

For once we are completely hopeful and excited that we can have a baby and that possibly IUI will work for us!

On a different note - I had to reformat my computer. So I lost all my blog favorites! So if I've visited your blog (or if I should visit your blog :) ) could you please leave a comment so I can link back to it!

Approved

I've been approved for gas.t.ric ban.ding.

I have three criteria to meet before the surgery

1. 6 months of a physician assisted weight loss program
2. 2 years of medical records
3. psychological evaluation

Number 2 and 3 are not problem. It's the first criteria that pains me.

6 more months. Not only does that mean 6 more months before the surgery but that pushes out pregnancy even further. At first I was a little depressed with this news. I mean I've already waited 4 years to get pregnant. Now having to wait another year to 18 months. -UGH!

I've accepted it and am taking steps to get there. Thanks for all the support! You've all been so wonderful.

A Different Kind of Journey

I am starting a different journey.

I am not finished with the journey through infertility but it's being postponed.

I am on a weight loss to health journey.

As much as I want a child now I know that I cannot and should not get pregnant at this weight. It pains me to postpone my IF journey but if I want to find success I need to start and finish my weight loss journey first.

I had a consult yesterday for ga.st.ric ban.din..g.

It was great and I really like my doctor. For the first time I feel like I have some control of my life and I will reach a goal I've set for myself.

I am excited and hopeful that the band will help not only with weight loss but with PCOS as well.

My doc seems to think so too - granted he is no RE but he's a fatty specialist.

So, things are in motion for the surgery. Don't have any specifics (much like starting ART) but I am excited and very, very hopeful.

I haven't decided if I'll continue posting here or if I'll start a new blog. Whichever choice I make I'll be sure to let you know!

Shameless Advertisement

I am a part-time consultant for one of those home based businesses. I originally started the part time business to help with the costs of ART. You know the one where you go to your friends home and host a party and people buy things. You know the cookware company that loves to pamper its cooks? ;)

So, I wanted to invite all my blogger friends to a virtual party! If you'd like to purchase anything please send me an e-mail to sunny_jenny05486atyahoo.com and I'll send you a link to the website. I can ship to anywhere in the US and Canada! I also have great gift ideas for under $10.

Thanks for the support!

Broken

Blood work confirmed what I knew in my heart.

I feel like a broken record but really, "I don't know how many more failed cycles I can take."

It is so heartbreaking and drains every bit of hope, encouragement, life, joy, and peace out of my soul. I am left as a shadow, a shell of who I am.

I am not doing very well at hiding it anymore. People ask me how I am doing and I say,

"Fine." but they know I am not and often remind me that I don't look "fine".

I am so tired-- so worn out-- so beat up.

We're taking a break. I want to try to enjoy my favorite time of year. I want to focus on my family and friends and enjoy this holiday season.

Harry is going to see a urologist. We need to figure out what is going on with his swimmers.

I am trying to start up my exercise and healthy eating. I NEED TO LOOSE WEIGHT! I know this beyond any doubt. Because even if I get pregnant again my PCOS may not let me stay pregnant.

It's so hard. I had planned to get up and exercise this morning-- but once again hit the snooze. Why can't I just do it? If I really want a baby so badly why can't I do what I know will help increase my chances? WHY! -- I am so desperate I am even considering gastri.c. ba.nd.ing.

I am just feeling so utterly hopeless and useless right now.

Negative

HPT says not pregnant.

Funk

I am in a funk.

I don't think I am pregnant.

I am so freakin' tired of all this crap.

I just want a baby.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. How much more hope I can loose.

I am so drained. SO stinkin' tired.

Harry is sure we'll be parents one day. I am not so sure.

I feel totally hopeless...

I am symptom less. Don't really feel anything.

Why do so many people around me get to be pregnant but not me. Why?

I am so sick and tired of smiling to cover my pain.

It hurts.

Chooo Chooo!!!!!!

I did it!!

I ordered these!

I can't wait any longer!! I have to know!!

Surrounded

I am surrounded by pregnant women.

They're in the bookstore.

They're in the grocery check-out line.

They're in the elevator going to my RE's.

They're popping up everywhere! Why does it seem like everyone is getting pregnant...

Everyone but me....

It's really kind of commical. I knew I wasn't imagining things when Harry commented,

"What's with all the pregnant women?"

I found out last night that another friend is pregnant.

I found out from someone else. In the middle of a meeting. Not good.

I held it together. I am surprised. Maybe it's because she already has two little girls. But it still stings.

It stings to see so many people around me getting to have what I so desperately want. The jealousy is tortuous.

And now Giada announces she's pregnant! If Rachel announces she's pregnant, I'll loose it for sure!

Surrounded, I tell you!

3 dpiui

Lying in bed, the night before our last IUI, snuggled close to Harry; when completely out of the blue he says;

“CHOOO-CHOOO! All aboard the crazy train!”

How nice! My dear husband is prepared for this crazy 2 ww! I think he’s finally getting an idea of what it’s like to be the vessel of this insanity.

I strangely feel nothing. My left ovary is still a little sensitive but I feel nothing.

Our RE RN said, “It’s looked better” when asked about Harry’s sample.

I am not making any assumptions this cycle – after last month’s debacle – I am not going there again.

IUI #3

Tomorrow is the day.

Our IUI is in the morning.

Surprisingly my body worked ahead of schedule! I usually don't make it this far for three more days!

Fingers crossed that this is the one!

Check List

Bottle of wine - drunk -- CHECK

Sushi eaten -- CHECK

Inhaling 2nd hand smoke and not freakin' out -- CHECK

New pair of shoes -- CHECK

ANOTHER new pair of shoes! -- CHECK

Day at the salon - hairapy and new fall color - CHECK

SEX with hubby- CHECK -- Double CHECK!!

Back on the crazy pills (aka Clo.m.id) -- CHECK!

My Man

It's hard to imagine that something good could come from infertility. But it has. This journey has led me to see what a wonderful husband I have.

I don't have the words to express how kind, caring, loving, and devoted he has been to me these past few months. I mean he was always great but recently he's been exceptional. Sometimes I feel as if I've won some award.

So, baby, thank you for all your love. For holding me when I sobbed, for bringing me tea in bed, for not letting me lift a finger, for carrying my massive purse when the ovaries hurt, for the back rubs, for telling me we will be parents, for still having me as "baby momma" in your phone, for waking up in the middle of the night to make sure I am sleeping, and for trusting me even when I am wrong.

I love you angel.

So Wrong

How could I be so wrong.

That's what's most upsetting.

I really, honestly thought I was pregnant.

I am not one to hope or think this will work for me. For a long time I even doubted I would ever get pregnant.

To be so hopeful --to have convinced Harry

I am crushed

I don't know my body-- it lied to me.

My heart is so broken and now the miscarriage hurts all over again.

F.R.E.D

I hate them

2nd pee stick- BFN

Last time (when I was pregnant for a day) I used a different brand. I don't remember what brand. I am done with F.R.E.D - FOREVER!

Today is Not That Day - Again

I didn't make it to Tuesday

I knew I should have waited. But my darling Harry bought some pee sticks.

And as I lay in bed at 4 am holding in my pee, Harry says,

"Please, go put us both out of your misery."

HPT - Negative

What if my body is misleading me. Can I be imagining all this?

11 dpIUI is very early - last time I tested 12 dpIUI and got the faintest positive.

My boobs feel like lead balloons and are very "hard".

We're a little disappointed but haven't lost all hope.

So I guess you could say...

To pee continued

Just the Facts

Still crazy and pregnant (well I know I am crazy and I think I am pregnant).

I've never been more sure that I am pregnant. I always knew I'd know. I know my body. All those time I knew I wasn't pregnant but hoped I was. Now I know I am.

It's not so much that I am having symptoms but that I am not having PMS symptoms.

So, come with me, if you will, on a little journey. Let's review my 3 cycles.

IVF #1 - This is the first time I experienced killer cramps. I mean double over - this must be like labor (I know it's not really -humor me) - cramps. No other symptoms.

FET #1 - Well no cramps for FET #1 - but I am sure that was due to the PIO. I didn't get AF until a few days after I stopped the PIO. I also didn't have the backache and headache that I have now!

IUI#1 - Well IUI #1 had both pregnancy symptoms (headache and backache) as well as PMS symptoms (killer cramps).

IUI #2 - At 9 dpIUI NO PMS symptoms!!!

Holy moley!!

I am gonna PAOS on Tuesday.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

No Cramps

And that's a big deal.

Every cycle I get PMS cramps exactly 1 week before AF shows up. Like clock work.

The arrival of cramps have always signaled the end of the dream. Occasionally I'd try to fool myself that the cramps really didn't mean it was over--but I always knew it was over.

Well 1 week to go and so far NO CRAMPS!

So.... choo choo all aboard!