Psychosis or Symptoms

I think maybe I am pregnant.

Ok, I wish I was pregnant.

For the first time since our IF diagnosis, Harry and I had sex during ovulation. It’s not like we were on strike, but this month, it was as if the stars had aligned.

I new I was ovulating. I am sure of it. Since I’ve upped my Met I’ve been having a 26 – 28 day cycle. With the exception of my March PCOS Period I’ve been pretty regular.

So Sunday was my O day and Harry and had one of the greatest intimate encounters of our marriage. It was earth shaking. It wasn’t until we were way into it that I realized, “HOLY SMOKES! I AM OVULATING”.

So for the past 5 days I’ve been doing the maybe baby dance – for the first time in 2 years.

Yesterday I started feeling nausea – not vomit – just persistent nausea – the way I feel when I take estrogen for an FET.

Today the heartburn started – like when I am on the PIO shots.

I am insane.

You’re the only people who understand my insanity. I am sure in 10 days I’ll get my period and be back in the blues.

But could it be possible… is there a chance that one of Harry’s lazy, misshapen, confused sperm found its way to my obstinate egg?

I’ve already goggled pregnancy symptoms and the due date calculator.

Is hoping that is happened worth the potential disappointment?

And if I am pregnant what will I say to all those people who told me to relax, cause damit I WAS relaxing!

The Comback

People say the crappiest things. I know that not everyone has evil intentions with their comments, but sometimes people really just need to keep their comments to themselves. Deep down I know people mean well. But you see most of us don’t live deep down. We live up here where words do hit harder than fists and one well meaning comment can send one of us into a spiral of emotional turmoil.

I believe preparation is the key. I am disgusted with my generic, lackadaisical response to these idiotic comments. The time has come to tell people the truth, to stop caring more for their self esteem and more for my emotional well being.

The following is what I like to refer to as my Stupid IF Comments 1st Aid Kit. I am developing my come backs for all those idiotic comments that people are bound to thoughtless toss at me more than likely trying to make themselves feel better than in an honest attempt to bring me some comfort.

The Well There’s Always Adoption Comment:
Actually, no. (pregnant pause {pun intended}) Adoption isn’t a cure for infertility. Children are not items that can replace one another. Adopting a child will not erase all the emotional and physical pain of infertility. We will always be infertile. While adoption is a very wonderful path to parenthood it is NOT a cure for the inability to conceive a child with your spouse. And right now it’s not an option for us.

The Just Relax Comment:
Relax? That’s it? You mean if my husband relaxes his abysmal sperm will mover faster, in a straight line, and copiously reproduce! Geez Lousie, I am calling my doctor right away! I wonder if relaxation works for cancer patients too.

The I Knew Someone Who Comment:
Really (in an incredulous tone), I actually Goggled that one and it’s an Urban Legend.

As you can see it's a starter kit. Composed of the bare IF survival essentials. The Kit will grow as I encounter more and more people. Please feel free to use my 1st Aid Kit as needed. I appreciate any suggestions you may have or perhaps you have your own Kit and would like to compare its contents.

Remember a Baby Scout is always prepared.

Do It Yourself Conception Kit

Ok, I have to talk about this.

Have you all heard of this First-At Home Conception Kit?

I am a little unsure about how I feel about this kit.

I wish it existed 3 years ago when we first started TTC.

and yet,

I feel that it may just be postponing couples from seeking the care of a professional RE.

One does need a prescription...

Maybe I am just bitter.

What are your thoughts?

Good Luck Mi Amiga

Well my good friend Bella is on the other side of her first IUI.

Welcome honey to my side I pray you'll have more sucess than me.

Give her some encouragement and wish her well-- she could use some support!

False Alarm

Looks like I jumped the gun!

28 day cycle ! HA!

My period is playing peek-a-boo and I think I am having what I lovingly refer to as a PCOS Period. All my cysters can relate-- you know that one where your hormones are so messed up your body doesn't know what to do.

Oh the joy!

Thankfully I am so jaded I haven't decided that this time I AM DEFINITELY PREGNANT and peed on 10 sticks waiting for one to tell me the answer I am looking for.

Peek - a- boo I don't see you!

28 Days Later

I just had my first 28 day cycle in 100 years!

Perhaps the new dosage of metformin or the recent weightloss (lost 18 lbs). Or perhaps it is a combination of both.

Whatever it is I'll take a 28 day cycle!

And The Award Goes To...

I am sitting here watching the O*cars...

And I am thinking there should be some awards or something for those of us going through infertility.

Here are some categories I've thought of:

Most eggs retrieved

Most blood drawn in a cycle

Best Valium high from transfer

Most tears shed over a BFN

Most hopeful

Most likely to jump off a bridge

I mean kids get trophies for playing all sorts of sports and science fairs. If I can't walk away with a baby I'd like something other than a sore bumm, an overflowing sharps box, and a maxed out credit card to show for my efforts.

What categories can you think of to award one another? I am interested to hear!

Oh, yeah I changed the blog a bit. This is pretty much the extent of my remodeling abilities. I had to change the name-- much simpler.

Update:
I had to add this update award idea from Town Criers

Best performance for getting through someone else's pregnancy annoucement.

I have SO been there! Unfortunatley my deer infront of headlights reaction probably wouldn't win any awards!

Gave It All Away

Well it's official.

I gave all my meds away.

I turned them into my RE's office to be given to any couple that doesn't have insurance and needs meds.

It was hard... put that follistim has been sitting in my fridge for nearly a year and I just couldn't bare to look at it and I couldn't let those precious meds go to waste.

If my meds aren't going to get me pregnant they have to get someone pregnant.

I did talk with Harry before I dropped off the meds. He is cool with waiting until August. He seemed a little disappointed but he completely supports me. I wasn't afraid to tell him about my decision but more afraid that telling him would make it real. Harry is already thinking about what if IVF never works for us. I think he's ready to move onto Foster care/adoption. I am not so ready. My sweet Harry is so supportive of my desire and lovingly follows me in our reproductive choices. I love my guy.

My infertile friend has her first IUI scheduled for March. She's using my RE. I went to the office with her (that's when I dropped off my meds). I really love my RE staff. It was nice to see them and they are all so supportive. No pressure from them at all to cycle again. I am really happy for her and hope she'll have success with her first ART procedure, unlike so many of us. It's hard to be hopeful for her because I know the pain and disappointment that come with ART. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

I love you all and hope all my new mommies hold your babies extra close tonight and remember all of us still in ART hell, and all my pregnant ladies are happy and still grateful for their success, and to all my gals still waiting...it sucks.

That pretty much sums it all up!

Secret Decision

I've made a secret decision.

I haven't discussed it with my husband yet.

Just my therapist.

Now I am going to confess to blogland...

I am not doing another fresh cycle until August.

I am not made of the same stuff some of you IVFers are. I can't jump from cycle to cycle -- disappoint met to disappointment. You're all so strong.

I know the odds say - more IVF cycles = greater chance of conception.

But I am still too broken.

For now I am concentrating on work and my health.

I am giving my meds to my clinic to give to a non-insured client. I can't look at them any longer.

I just have to find the courage to tell Harry. I don't know how he'll react.

Stand Back Woman Having Emotional Breakdown in Baby Aisle

It was a normal shopping experience at that store with the bulls eye logo.

Harry and I putter around the store picking up needed items.

Your normal average day.

Until I wonder over to the baby aisle. Normally I am okay in this often unknown territory, but if I go there looking for my little nephew, I usually have no problem.

I always love to pick him out little onesies with cool logos like:

Spit Happens

or

Bald is Beautiful

But on this day I saw this...

there it was, a little pink onesies. I was paralyzed and overwhelmed with emotions. This little pink snappy shirt thing brought me to an emotional ball of tears and snot in less than 2 seconds.

I took a picture with my camera phone. I wanted to buy it but have a major aversion to buying any personal baby products. So there is stayed. On its little baby hanger.

Little baby you are worth the wait.

I am just tired of waiting.

No News

We haven't heard a single thing about the possible adoption.

I am okay with that.

I sent a letter off but haven't heard back from either my brother's girlfriend (the cousin of the birth mother) or the birth mother.

It's a little dissappointing but no where near as heart breaking as a BFN.

We're okay, saddened by the lack of news, but okay.

I am working on improving my physical health. So far so good. Don't know when the next cycle will be. Most likely not until the summer or fall.

I am still reading you.

Dazed and Confused

Harry and I are still both in some sort of hazy dream world.

It's as if this is happening to someone else and we're merely observers.

Neither of us has really even considered that it will really happen.

I think we're operating under the, "Oh, wouldn't that be nice if..."

To scared to even consider the possibility.

We don't even use the "A" word. Instead we refer to it as "That Thing"

I can hear Harry's heart yearning to hope and wanting to jump feet first into excitement.

I sent a letter to the birth mother. I may post bits of the letter later.

Now we're in a 2ww of sorts.

New Year's Eve Miracle

I can't even believe my fingers are typing this post.

Harry and I were on our way to my parent's home for New Year's Eve when I got a phone call.

My brother's girlfriend wanted to know if Harry and I were interested in adopting her cousin's baby.

Her cousin, let's call her Jossie, is 17 in high school and planning on putting the baby up for adoption. All she wants is for the baby to go to a Christian Home.

Harry and I are shell shocked. We're still processing what this would mean. There's no guarantee that we would be chosen....

but....

the possibility.....

It's a boy - due in February....

Yeah, shell shocked.

PCOS Strikes Back

CD 55 no period...

Could it be?

Is it possible??

Perhaps a Christmas Miracle. . .

Come on, Sunny Jenny, haven't you learned your lesson yet!!

It's just your PCOS acting up again!

My missing menstrual cycle promted me to visit my RE clinic. I do love them. They were so warm and welcoming. Its the first time I've been back since the canceled FET at the end of September.

Got the call this morning, "BETA is negative. Increase your MET to 2000 mg a day."

Oh, yeah, oh yeah!

Don't know where I am reproductively. Not ready for a fresh cycle but ready for a baby. Just hanging in there feeling more and more hopeless as everyone around me, fertile and infertile, conceive.

Bah, Humbug

Mi Amiga en Infertilidad

The ironies of life are truly amazing.

I am not sure my relationship with Bella is ironic and I may be using the word incorrectly but the relationship is definitely divinely influenced.

I met Bella about 4 years ago. She is a beautiful woman and has become a very close friend. Bella is a funny girl. We laugh, cry, commiserate, and eat together! She's a good friend and we've shared many struggles! I was honored to have her wear my wedding veil in her ceremony and feel very close and blessed to have Bella in my live.

Of course her real name isn't Bella but I picked it to try and convey the internal and external beauty that encompasses her. She'd be the last one on earth to call herself beautiful. Like many women she struggles with a negative body image. Somehow she still manages to ooze love and joy out of her pores everytime I see her. She's the kind of woman that lights up a room, the kind that people are drawn to, and the type of friend you want to call when you feel down in the dumps. She's also very silly -- and sometimes you just have to shake your head!

She's overcome a lot. She's from a South American country and often forgets that English is her third language!

Bella and I share a heritage and a faith whichs makes us especially close. Although she doesn't put hard boiled eggs in her lasagna -- I still love her!

So, Bella has been with me from the beginning of my infertility journey. She's been one of those safe friends you can tell anything to. She doesn't say stupid things like: relax or just adopt. She listens and wants to know more but mostly she just says, "Yeah man that sucks."

I've taught her everything about IVF-- even drawing her pictures. -- She's soaked it all in learning and discovering because it affects me and she wants to know about my life.

We have so many things in common. We share a heritage, similar sense of humor, our husbands are English, love of make-up, both drama mammas (although she's much more dramatic), and now we share infertility.

Bella and Mr. Bella have begun discovering that they may be infertile.

Around January Bella started making plans for a baby. She went off of oral contraceptives and started to ask all sorts of questions of me - -her expert in fertility. I was happy to talk with her and I know deep in her heart she has always wanted me to be pregnant first.

At first Bella moaned about wanting to conceive a girl. "How can I .... " Was all she asked! She talked about different positions and Chinese birthing calendars all in the quest for a baby girl. I just looked on fondly with the scars of infertility and scratched my head.

"Bella, give it a few month and you won't care -- boy or girl-- you'll want a baby."

Months of trying and no baby brought Bella to the conclusion....

"Any baby -- just get me pregnant!"

Tests concluded Mr. and Mrs. Bella need IUI to make a baby.

I've seen her go through the tcc struggle and know Mr. Bella is struggling with the idea of needing ART to make a baby. It's sad to see this happening outside of yourself.

I've been able to tell Bella all that I can, unfortunately she's seen my struggle and can only see heart ache.

It's so difficult to see Bella go from fertility selective to fertility challenged. The change of this vivacious hope filled women to one of despair, hurt, and anger.

I remember speaking to her about my anger towards God. She couldn't understand...

Yesterday she told me she understands...

I joked with her yesterday about her wearing my veil-- "Hey maybe I cursed you."

Two of us. Drawn together. Is it a gift or a curse?

Which one of us is gifted and which of us is cursed?

I am not sure.

My Own Therapy

Harry and I just got back from a lovely three day weekend with Little Button. He's now 8 months old and the cutest thing in the world.

For some people struggling with IF seeing babies is a heartbreaker. For the most part it does tear me up too. Harry made the comment the other day, "I see pregnant women everywhere." It's affecting him too.

But, when I am with Little Button I feel whole. He makes everything better and I love to hold him and cherish every minute with this little bundle of snot buggers (he's getting over a cold). The hard part is that I only get to see him a few days every other month. But the time we do have is precious.

Period came and went. Don't know what we're going to do next. Just waiting until we feel ready. Some days I am ready to get started on a new cycle but most days I am scared stiff with the whole idea of failing again.

So we're just taking it one period at a time.

Sinking In...

Very slowly I am realizing that all my frosties are gone...

I am starting all over.

No guarantee of maybe babies frozen in time . . .

I can't believe none of them are my baby. . .

Not one . . .

Can I do this again...

What if IVF/ISCI #2 ends up the same way?

How much can one person take?

There is no more hope for the 12. They're all gone. I wonder what happened to my last three underachievers? How did they end? Were they treated with dignity? With respect? The potential for human life. Were they flushed down the sink with the technician's cold Starbucks? Did they know I believed in them? Did they know I loved them?

Why didn't I let them die in my womb? Why did they have to die in that cold dish?

My pastor says there is grace and forgiveness.

I am not worried about forgiveness.

I am worried about regret.

Say Good Bye to Elephant Boy

None of our three embryos developed overnight.

RE called this morning with the news.

They were alive -- but not growing or "cleaved"

She said we could go ahead with the transfer but our chances of implantation were next to none. She was concerned for my well being and the turmoil of the 2ww hoping for something that was near impossible.

My RE said she's seen embryos like this and had never had a pregnancy before.

Harry and I discussed it and decided to pass on the transfer and say good bye to all 12 of April 06 embryos.

I can't believe they're all dead. All 12 of them. DEAD

As you can imagine I am emotionally devastated. I've talked to my therapist already.

Harry and I are going to spend the day together. Doing what I don't know.

Thanks for all the care and support. I don't know what's next -- well a fresh cycle is next -- I just don't know when.

How I Got Thrown Out of W*LM*RT

Yes, it's true.

I was ejected from the premisses.

The Incredible Pink Hulk returned!

Thus our drama unfolds:

Harry and I purchased tires from W*LM*RT about 18 months ago. We purchased a tire protection plan that would allow protect us should we get a flat or any other hazard. All we had to do was come into our local W*LM*RT and have the tire repaired for free.

About 6 weeks ago Harry got a flat. So he took the tire into our local W*LM*RT for repair. He was told by one of their technicians that the tire was rotted and we needed to order new tires. We could order the tires and then have them sent to our local store.

So we did this.

Harry was notified that the tires had arrived. So he went in on Saturday to have his tires replaced.

First Harry was told he had ordered the wrong tires. But luckily for us they had a pair of our tires that a customer never picked up. Then the technician questions Harry on whether or not he is sure that the tires are corroded.

“Sir, how do you know your tires need replacing” questions the impudent technician.

“Well, because YOU told me to order new tires” replies Harry.

“Well, the technician may have made a mistake. He may have been on of our newer technicians and been over zealous” interjects the technician.

“Look, I just want my tires repaired or replaced. If they’re good then fine repair the one that is flat. IF they’re bad please put the new tires on.”

“Ok” says the technician – “It will be 3 hours.”

So, three hours later I return to pick up Harry’s car, after I had called to confirm that it was ready.

I arrive at the store and the lady at the register replies,

“The technician needs to speak with you.”

The technician arrives and says,

“Mame, your tires are rotted you need new tires.”

I couldn’t believe my ears. “YES, I know my tires are bad, that is why WE ORDERED NEW TIRES. So, you haven’t done anything to my car.”

“No.”

Needless to say I was fed up. The technician did offer to put the tires on my car. If I waited another hour. I got my car keys and left.

So, Sunday rolls around and Harry and I decide to go back and speak to the manager on duty and see if someone in leadership can help us out.

From the very beginning we were met with rudeness and made to feel as if we were a burden. The manager didn’t listen to what we had to say and kept interrupting us before we could tell our whole story. She would not let me tell her our experience and how we’ve been going round and round in a circle trying to get our tires replaced. Eventually she sends us back to the tire place with a note to discount our protection plan and replace our tires immediately.

So, Harry and I go back there and meet with the appropriate people. We are assured that our tires will be replaced in an hour to 90 minutes.

Harry and I go to lunch. Sitting at lunch we get a phone call.

“Mr. Harry, you ordered the wrong tires.”

We left lunch and went to pick up our car. I had the manager paged and 20 minutes later she arrived in a huff. If she had listened to me in the beginning she would have KNOWN we ordered the wrong tires and were using someone else’s tires.

She refused to listen even then and kept interrupting me.

“WE ARE TRYING TO HELP YOU” she kept saying..

That’s when I lost it and yelled at her:

“YOU ARE NOT HELPING ME, THIS IS NOT HELPING! THIS IS NOT CUSTOMER SERVIE!!!”

At which she then asked me to leave the store.

Harry tried to push me out but I continued to yell for her supervisors name and district manger as Harry drags me out of the store.

So, I have been kicked out of a W*LM*RT.

How do you like them apples? Two days before my FET- I get thrown out of a W*LM*ART.

I am never going there again! I am beging a campaign for managerial reform in W*LM*RT and I WILL GET AN APOLOGY from that store!

FET UPDATE:

Tomorrow is the FET.

I got the thaw report.

3 of the 4 frosteis made it. WHEW! I didn't know I was holding my breath until Lisa told me-- and I let out a huge sigh of relief.

BETA - October 6

Dirty Needles

Today is my birthday.

Good news is my frosties come from 30 year old ovaries.

I started my special day with a special wanding from my RE RN.

Really, could a girl ask for anything more on her special day!

Overall I've had a lovely day.

Many happy wishes and news that my uterus is nice and ready for the transfer next Tuesday.

Harry is now cooking dinner for me :) and I think I have an erotic back rub in the cards!

I am out of small needles. I have one more injection of Lupron....

What's a girl to do?

Use a dirty needle that's what!

I went to the pharmacy to ask about purchasing just one needle-- that's all I need.

Nope I jhave to buy a whole pack...$13.00 -

Now that may seem like a trival amout compared to all the cash we've dished out for IVF but still it's the principle!

So, my romantic birthday eveing will consist of a homemade husband cooked meal, eaten naked over candle light, an erotic back massage, and a dirty needle.

What more can a girl ask for!

Those Were the Days . . .

Therapy ... It does a body good...

Yesterday's session was very therapeutic... which is good.. cause it's called therapy!

I spoke about how I live most of my life looking back with regret or looking forward with anticipation and a type of deformed hope. While all the while I feel as if my life is slipping through my hands.

Time is ticking away. . .

So, begining in my pensive state I looked at my blog all the way back to the beginning. I thought I'd repost a blog entry from the beginning for kicks and giggles...

First IVF Meeting
Dh and I met with our RE RN on Friday, January 6 for our IVF orientation. Going into meeting I think we were both a little apprehensive. We still didn't know what to expect. I had gone to an appointment on Wednesday with the RE but she just gave me a brief overview. I think that I was too excited to let anything sink in either.

Now that dh and I were sitting across the table from the RE RN and had a notebook opened (our IVF notebook) in front of us it all became a little too real.All my life I knew I wanted to be a mom. When I was little I use to pretend I was pregnant. I'd stick a pillow up my shirt arch my back and walk around like a pregnant lady. I use to make my Barbies pregnant too.

Being married and watching my dh interact with babies and children made me want to be a mom even more. Seeing his eyes light up talking or playing with his nephew really touched me and stirs in me the desire to give him a child. I want to hold his baby in my arms. I want a part of me and a part of him to create this special person whom we both can love and cherish. I want that more than anything.

The RE RN starts going over all the paper work. She tells me that the injections I am on during IVF can kill me. YIKES. Because of my PCOS my ovaries can over produce and cause some water retention and other problems I really don't understand yet. She has to go over all the possible side effects and then dh and I have to agree not to sue the IVF people if I die or get hurt. Then the RE RN whips out the injection kit and starts talking about all the shots all I need. How to mix this med with that med, which one to take when, how to use the epi pen, and someother stuff I am desperatly trying to save to memory.

I really am trying to concentrate but everything is swimming around and I feel like I am drowning. It's all too much to comprehend. I ask her if she can draw me some pictures. I have no idea how I am going to get any of this right. I know I am going to end up killing myself with the wrong hormone. She can see my distress and offers a refresher course once I get all my meds. She's a doll. She also shares that she went through IVF back in the day and has two teenagers to prove it.

That's comforting.

I ask if I can have her home phone number.

I have to have two more tests. One where they put water in my uterus to check it out and then the false implant test. I wish I knew the lingo. I am sure I will eventually. One of them scares me. Here's the thing I am a sissy when it comes to pain. Thankfully I don't really have cramps or suffered during TOM. I have no idea how I am going to make it through these tests and injections. It's overwhelming. I feel clueless and completely alone. I know my dh is supportive and there for me but honestly my body is going through this all alone.

As we continue through the paper work RE RN tells us that embryos that aren't implanted can be frozen. I ask, "does insurance cover this". No. It will cost $1360.00 to freeze our potential children and then $360.00 a year in rent. Nice. But still that beats having to go through the egg retrieval and everything all over again. Then the RE RN drops the bomb that PCOS patients have a higher rate of miscarriage than non-PCOS patients. News to me. So I am even more freaked out. So I ask how many times will insurance cover the IVF cycle. She thinks 3 times per live birth. So we get three chances then we've hit the end of the road.

So we leave the office a little bewildered. I think Dh is less affected than I am. We kiss good bye and go back to our respective jobs. Everything I've heard in the pass 3 days goes over and over in my mind...I could die....I could not conceived...I have a greater chance of miscarrying...I could get the swollen ovary thingy...I have to mix all these hormones and inject myself 3 times a day...they're going to Peirce my uterus....My body could reject the whole IVF process...I am being put in a psudemenopausal condition...I am freaking out. To top it off I had to leave that afternoon for a weekend work thingy.

So all weekend I am alone and all theses things are going over and over and over in my mind. I don't think I can do it. I don't think I am strong enough.I have a dream where I tell my mom I am scared...she tells me to suck it up cause she wants a grandchild...Whenever I express doubt or concern about the IVF process dh says,

"We don't have to have a child."

BUT WE DO!

My life would not be complete without being a mom.I have this mixed up feeling inside me. I feel so blessed that we have insurance and an awesome IVF clinic. We love our doctor and nurses. But at the same time I feel cursed because IVF is our only option for conception. I feel like I am betraying my body...I came home yesterday and saw that dh had bought two books on being a dad and helping wife through her pregnancy. It's the first time I realized I am not alone. I realized the only way I'll make it through is to take the IVF process one step at time. If look at the whole picture it is completely overwhelming.

So, here's my New Year's resolution.

One step at a time

Ah, the good old days....

You gotta laugh at my naivtivty. Injections - my biggestest hurdle!

I think as we move along through the whole IVF process we discover that our hurdles get bigger each time.

Some hurdles I've jumped --or fell over:

• Accepting the IVF journey
• Understanding the process
• learning the lingo
• THE MEDS- learning about mixing, injecting, and where to get rid of your sharps box
• The STIMS
• The ER
• Making it to transfer
• Post BETA
• FET
• POST FET BETA

Hurddles I have yet to jump

• Getting knocked up
• first ultra sound
• second ultra sound
• making past the 12 week mark
• 2nd trimester
• 3rd trimester
• Labor and Delivery
• taking home baby

There are probably many more hurdles in front of me I have yet to conceive and probably a few you all could add.

Looking back I am amazed at where I am ... I never thought I'd be here!

Well that's enough looking back...

Let's try being

No Stinking Thinking

Now that's a concept.

Think positive!

Well look where positive thinking has gotten me.

I am pretty negative these days. Morbid and negative, cynical too.

Went in to the RE office for my CD 3 blood work. I really do love my RE RN and Lisa too! They're so great and hopeful.

We scheduled the FET for the end of the month. Got my dates and originally was scheduled for the FET the day after my birthday.

"What a nice birthday present!" commented the RE RN.

Oh, yeah I'll be 31- don't my odds go down :(

"Oh, come on this one's gonna work." was her response

My response... an impetuous, muffled guffaw

Sitting in my car on my way to work, I realize-- great I 'll get the thaw report on my birthday -- and it will go something like this ---

"Sorry Mrs. Sunny Jenny, your last four embryos didn't survive the thaw. They're all dead."

Now that's more like the birthday I am expecting.

No stinking thinking

Well something sure does smell over here

I did end up changing my FET for four days later (work conflict). Oh yeah I did!

I am working on this stinking thinking -- anybody with good advice -- basically my SIL and therapist-- have encouraged me to stop stinking up the place.

The book I am reading encourages "being present" So much of my mental time is spent reliving failures or envisioning the future that I am missing out on the present. Time is passing by and I am not even here. I am stuck mourning a past or looking to a future I fear I will never have.

So I am working on moving down to smelly thinking.

Hey, it's a process.

I Know What You're Going Through . . .

Those were the last words my mother spoke to me before I emotionally exploded.

I've never had what I would consider a normal relationship with my mother.

Growing up she was very domineering and controlling, emotionally abusive and manipulative, and sometimes physically abusive.

It's been a hard road.

Since my independence day (the day I left for college) our relationship has morphed. She no longer can control my choices by executing her maternal authority.

Her weapon of choice

emotional terrorism

She's completely self absorbed and thinks the whole world revolves around her.

She's the type of person who always has a story about how she went through something similar or how she has it worse.

For the most part I put up with it. Time after time when she hurts me with her lack of interest in my life or her inability to understand or empathize.

She called me Friday ... I think it was Friday

Like every conversation she starts out.. "what are you doing?"

She asks probing questions that give a false facade to lead me to believe that maybe she really is interested in my life. But the questions are only there to open the door so she can tell you about her life.

She asks

So I tell her

"Harry and I aren't going to buy a house because when can't afford IVF and a mortgage."

Thus begins the 5 minute diatribe about how she struggled with a mortgage. How hard it was for her to balance bills and a mortgage.

At first I thought about interjecting but then thought...

"I wonder if I am silent, how long will she go on for without any response from me?"

I remember thinking how my SIL and I would get a giggle over how long before my mother said, "Are you there?"

1 minute,

2 minutes,

3 minutes

how long would it take?

After 5 minutes she was still on a roll. I heard her harrowing story of how she refinance her car loan to buy groceries, how she had to get a job because my dad's check didn't cut it.

I listened in silence

until she uttered these words . . .

"So, I know exactly what you're going through . . .

At first I sat there in shock... did she say what I think she said... she still was babbling on about her emphatic knowledge when my body ignited in a rage I don't think I've ever felt before.

The Incredible Pink Hulk erupted in a torrent of tears, sobs, and screams . . .

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT

I AM GOING THROUGH!!



YOU NEVER HAD TO CHOOSE

BETWEEN A BABY

AND OWNING A HOME!!

The rest is a blur. Harry came running into the room to find me sobbing uncontrollably in a huddled mess with the phone extended in my hand unable to answer his requests.

I don't want her to know what I am going through

She can't know... No one can know...

All I want is a sympathetic ear, a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on...

All I've ever wanted was someone who cared about me . . .

One or the Other

You may recall me mentioning that Harry and I were looking at the housing market. Hoping to move from our too small two bedroom apartment into a home. We we're all set, we even found a property that we qualified for and we're ready to make an offer!

Until we remembered IVF

See our IVF expenses don't show up on a credit report...

What we pay for medication, co-pays, and insurance....

Our IVF expenses make up the difference that we would need each month to pay the mortgage.

It's one or the other

IVF or a mortgage...

We've wanted our own home for so long now and have really been over burdened financially... just when we see our way out of it.. bang! Ha ha ah!

did we really think ANYTHING would come easy for us...

Our options

a maybe baby in an apartment (cause there is no guarantee that we'll EVER get pregnant)

or childless in a home

Blogger Block

I have blogger block...

I don't know what to blog about!

I am so unemotionally involved in this FET. I don't even care...

I am just doing it because I don't want to pay to move the frosties.

What does that make me?

I feel as if I should have detailed posts about my cycle with E2 levels and lining and such... but I have nothing to say...

It's a crap shoot

I do have this to say... Lupron turn me into the Incredible pink Hulk.... I am a raving lunatic that has no fuse at all. It's my Jekyll.

Stay out of my way . . .

And So It Begins . . . Again!

Lupron injections start tonight . . .

Not looking forward to being hormonally controlled once again.

When I started IVF I never really noticed the affect the hormones had on my until I stopped the treatments. Once those hormones left my body I felt so different. More like me.

I am still dragging my heels. Afraid to emotionally commit.

Well the next time you see me I'll be a a hormonal psychopath!

Change of Heart

We're back from a lovely mini-vacation. Well I don't know if it really is considered a vacation when you visit family but we loved it! Harry and I went to visit my brother and sister-in-law and perfect little 6 1/2 month old nephew. What a heart breaker! He is so precious and I love him immensely! I'll tell you what though it is exhausting having a baby around! But so worth it!

Harry was playing with little button and looked up at me and said, "I am glad we're doing a thingy now" (of course he doesn't know any of the ART terms or procedures... he just jizzes and injects upone request). He's going to make a great dad.

Went in for blood work today. Looks like I'll be starting the Lurpon any day now! I have to say I am getting very nervous about another cycle. I try not to think about it. I am much more removed this go around.

The Decision

Harry and I have come to a decision.

We're doing the FET.

I called my RE RN this week to talk over some of our thoughts and worries. Let me just say I love my clinic! In their negotiation with the new lab, they made sure to explain my case and made sure that if I ever undergo another ER I won't have an epidural but will be under general anesthesia. I am so blessed to have a doctor, nurse, and staff that genuinely care for me! I love them to bits!

I went in for blood work this morning. I'll probably start Lupron in the next week.

So, in my conversation with my RE RN she advised us to use the frosties. We have two 4 cell and two 3 cell frosties...

Number 3 is the much loved "elephant boy" embryo. -- my little underachievers...
I am very distant this cycle. Not excepting the quartet to survive the thaw but willing to give them the chance for life. Harry is supportive and is willing to hope for one more FET.

On another note we're house shopping! Well actually shitty condo shopping. That's all we can afford in this highly over priced housing market. But it will be our shitty condo!

The Letter

Don't you know just when you're plugging along doing fine, finally getting some peace in the IVF world ...

A letter comes from out of no where to pull the rug right from underneath you!

Our RE has decided to change labs. We have 4 frosties at said lab. So Harry and I have a major decision to make just at a point where we don't want to make any reproductive decisions. YES!

Here are our options:
1. Destroy our frosties
2. Undergo a FET before October 1 at current lab
3. Have frosties moved to new lab and pay transportation costs
4. Do nothing and abandon our frosties

We can't come to an amicable decision. Our 4 frosties are the bottom of the embryo barrel. Matter of fact I don't expect them to survive the thaw. But you know what, they're my frosties and I love them. Harry wants to move onto a fresh cycle and abandon the 4 underachievers.

I am stressing about making a decision, rushing into a FET, and possibly impending marital discord in my home.

decisions, decisions, decisions . . .

Free Advice

My therapist gave me this book to read.



Conquering Infertility: Dr. Alice Domar's Mind/Body Guide to Enhancing Fertility and Coping with Infertility

On the first page I found myself. It's unbelievable. If you're still in the trenches get this book. What other great books have helped you?

The Annual

It seems unfair that after all the invasive poking and prodding of IVF tests and procedures that one would have to show up for her annual OBGYN exam.

Well I did.

It's been awhile since I remembered what the downstairs is really for so I'd put it from my mind.

I rarely gave the impending appointment much thought. Never thinking about what it would mean to be back in those stirrups.

It happened so fast...

There I was in the blue gown, naked, on the exam table waiting for the doctor to come in.

All this after the nurse had interrogated me...

last day of menses -- July 26
Pregnant -- no
sure -- yeah pretty sure
contraception - uh, no

Sitting and waiting. Trying desperately to convince myself that everything will be fine... that the annual is nothing like the other tests and procedures I've endured... I am ok.

Nice OBGYN comes into to room-- small talk...

Legs up and I can't breath

"Doctor, I thought I was going to be okay, but I don't think I can do this..."
"oh, no,"

It was that speculum. I hate that thing. It's like a rib spreader. It opens me wide - bares my soul - exposes my heart - makes me vulnerable. I am not protected.

I hate the speculum

I eventually did the exam and it was nothing. Quick and efficient. I have a great doctor.

just lying there with my feet in the stirrups I know I am not nearly ready to begin again. But I made it through the exam. That doesn't change how I feel.

I still hate the speculum.

On My Way Back . . .

I am starting to think about thinking about another FET...

Therapy is so amazing and if you're not talking to someone about the whole ART process then do! It really has made a difference in my life!

Taking a break has been so necessary! Six months of going through a failed IVF cycle and FET really took its toll on me. It has been such a blessing to just get back to being me...

I've started to read blogs again. I can read about your lives and not be overwhelmed with emotions. So, that's a good thing.

Not much to say on the IVF front...

If you'd like to post a comment to update me that would be great! I don't know how much I've missed! Hopefully someone out there has had some success with ART!

Away

I've been away from IVF, away from blogs, away from message boards, and away from home.

It's been good.

Being away from everything has really been cathartic. I've begun to remember who I am and even glimpse who I use to be. I am slowly finding joy in my life and am getting excited about things that are happening around me.

I am healing.

I really find it hard to read your blogs. Not because I don't care about you (I do, I do, I do!!) but because when I read about what is happening to you I get swept away by a tidal wave of emotions and remembrance of all I've been through and thoughts of what is yet to come in my personal journey. I can't find peace. Not yet anyway.

It's funny, blogs use to bring me so much comfort. Now they serve as reminders of what a crappy shit hole IF is.

Just wanted to let you all know I am alive and learning to live again.

She has My Life

I got one of those e-mails today. You know the one from a distant "friend". The one that you met at work, church, a social group, or school. You see her maybe twice a year for "lunch" or at another social event. She e-mails you family updates and pictures of her kids. They even have a family website. Yeah I got an e-mail from her. Now, Jessie, is a really, really wonderful women and has no clue about our IF and recent disappointments. So, I don't feel anger towards Jessie for sending me the family update, I am just completely consumed by jealously. She has my life.

She has a house. I live in a crappy over priced apartment. The housing market here is beyond ridiculous. We will never qualify for a mortgage that would actually buy us anything reasonable. I am stuck in a two bedroom shitty apartment that I am throwing money at every month that will get me absolutely no where. When my insurance benefits run out and I have to take a second mortgage out on a house to pay for IVF I won't even have a house to mortgage.

She's cute. God she is so cute and perky. She isn't afraid to be in pictures and always has the cutest clothes. She's not thin but she's curvy. And I hate her. Hate is a strong word. I am just completely envious. Her hair is so pretty and wavy and her skin well her skin is translucent.

And the number 1 reason I am jealous is she has 3 kids. A four year old daughter and 8 month old twins (all conceive the old fashioned way -- actually the twins were a surprise). And she named the twin girl my girl name.

Yes she has my life and I am so mad I am in tears.

Why the fuck am I an infertile stuck in an apartment with $11.00 in my checking account?

So, my reply to the e-mail....

Let's do lunch.

Where I am

Thank you once again for all you care and concern. There is no one who knows what if feels like to be tangled and burdened with infertility and IVF than a fellow infertile. Thank you for your care but most importantly for your support in the midst of your own battle with infertility.

There are a few updates and things I'd like to share with you.

The Therapist
I met with my therapist yesterday for the first time. Draining. That pretty much sums it up. She is great and really helped me to talk about what the infertility diagnosis makes me feel. We talked about my childhood and mother issues and a few other items. Mainly I talked about the anger and frustration that come with being IF and feelings of unfairness and guilt. As a Christian I am having a hard time reconciling my situation with God. I am so ANGRY with him. Most of my anger centers around the feeling of denial. If feel as if God is willfully denying my request/plea/yearning/desire/anguish for a child. I absolutely believe it is in his power to make me a mother but feel as if he simply is refusing/denying me a child. The rage and anger I feel is immense and has halted my prayer life. I can see the Lord holding my child in his arms. He has a baby by the arm pits and is holding it out to me. I know it's my child. I go to reach it and no matter how hard I try I can't get there. I reach and reach and reach until I begin to fall away and God and my child slip away. I am so close to grasping my baby but can't quite get there. It's unbearable.

My therapist was able to validate many of my feelings and help me connect with my anger and grief. She also gave me some clarity when she said, "Many times when we face these feeling of denial we open old wounds that we may have thought were healed only to discover that they're really not. " It was an epiphany.

As I was leaving my therapist said, "oh, you may find it helpful to journal," I said, "I do -- I blog". We did talk about my online community and how I've been able to find support and encouragement and she encouraged me to continue with my blogging.

PCOS
SUCKS! I am so freakin' sick and tired of this stupid syndrome/disorder. It's running my life. Of course I blame it for everything - infertility/IVF failures/weight/facial hair/bad mood/ EVERYTHING. I am so sick and tired of it. I have to get this under control before I attempt another FET. I've been reading some good books on PCOS and how to get it under control. It's been one week and I am doing pretty good. I am exercising regularly (walked 1.5 miles this morning and 3 miles last week) and trying to balance my carbs with protein. I am learning. I want to shed weight quickly. I feel like we are on such a time crunch because of Harry's age (42). Perhaps that's self inflicted and will be moved to topic #1. I've turned my failure and anger to PCOS and my weight.

My RE
I really do love my RE and clinic. I sent them a letter thanking them for their kindness and support. I wanted to let them know were we are taking a break and when we are ready to continue that we're planning on using the last 4 embryos for a FET.

Me and Hubby
We're doing good. I am looking forward to a mini vacation with Harry. I just want to spend some time with him and have lots of sex. Not think of babies or conceiving or anything but us. I want to enjoy the summer and grow closer as a couple.

That's about it for now. I hope you're all doing well and coping where every you are in your IF journey.

Aftermath

First of all thank you, thank you, thank you. You all were the third "person" to be told. After I called Harry and my SIL I ran on the PC to blog. Thank you all for your support, care, and kind words.

It's amazing how much I've changed. How scared and battered my heart has become. I am a different woman than I was 3 short months ago. I am so battered and broken. I don't like who I've become.

I have now joy in my life.

Everything revolves around conceiving. Everything.

I go to work to pay the bills so we can afford IVF.

Sometimes I eat because I have to.

I sleep because sometimes I can dream.

I am a shadow of my former self.

I am seeing a therapist on Monday. I need closure, perspective, and direction.

I am starting to turn into a bitter women who is envious of other women who are successful/pregnant - I hate myself for that -- I have to get that under control.

I am taking a break.

I don't know for how long.

I want my body back, I want my life back, I want me back.

If I've Learned One Thing . . .

It's that someone always has it worse.

BETA Day

I haven't slept since Thursday night.

I can't.

Friday night was Christmas. I was so excited for Saturday morning because I was sure when I POAS I would see a positive.

Well I didn't.

So now I can't sleep because I keep thinking of my three embryos....

So many of you have been so hopeful and encouraging... thank you...

I know the HPT is correct.

Went in for the b/w this morning. Broke down with the RE RN. She was very comforting. She didn't have much hope that HPT was wrong.

So now I am waiting . . .

2 more hours . . .

------------------------------
UPDATE:
Not Pregnant

Hope vs. Denial

What's the difference?

I am I just full of hope that this FET actually worked and I should still hold out hope that I am pregnant

or

I am just in denial, unable to face reality, and still completely and utterly barren?

What's the difference between hope and denial?

Hope is just Denial sugar coated and washed up so people don't think we're ready to be institutionalized.

It sounds nicer to say "I am very hopeful this cycle worked"

rather than

"I am in complete denial that my womb has killed yet again 3 offspring"

much nicer...

HPT Results

One day I'll POAS and see two pink lines . . .

Today is not that day. . .

Beta is Monday

Dangerous Web Sites

You may all want to throw stones in my direction.....


but I found these two websites... and of course have been obsessively reading them

Web Site 1: IVF due date calculator! - How awesome! FYI cleaved embryo is a 3dt (I had to Google it) - Yes-- February 19, 2007 ( am I tempting fate?)

Web Site 2: American Pregnancy Association - Gives you lots of info and can view a week by week newsletter of pregnancy. Of course I haven't signed up yet... I keep stopping myself...


Well now it's official I've contributed to the delinquency of minorly insane IVF women.

They're gonna throw away the key.

24

One thing is for sure I am insane...

There are a lot of things I can say but nothing really earth shattering.

I am just waiting...

waiting until Monday...

I am going to POAS tomorrow morning. That way Harry and I can be together for some results. Either positive or negative....

This is so completely frustrating! Not knowing....

My glass has to be half empty

If I look at it as half full and then find out it is completely empty...

well then I'll be screwed...

I've never wanted to barf so much in my life...just one little symptom please... please....

I am blissfully cramp free but don't believe that to be a sign of pregnancy just good old PIO.

So I sit here and wait...

It is what it will be - the only difference is knowing the truth.

Flashbacks

I keep having flashbacks to IVF #1.

I keep comparing how I felt 7dp3dt last time and how I feel today.

So far no cramps.

You may think that give me comfort but not really.... it's probably just the PIO.

I keep waiting for the cramps... expecting a twinge...a pull....just waiting for the inevitable end of this FET dream. I am consumed.

Sometimes I forget I am with embryo and when I remember this limbo we're in I am like,

"Man, it was so nice to forget"

Harry and I are both going manic. Wanting our babies to stick and not wanting to "get attached" -pardon the pun - to the thought of being parents.

I have no symptoms of pregnancy.

well at 7dp3dt my embies are either dead, dying, or growing.

I am praying for growing.

The Psychosis Begins...

Well my peaceful maternal nurturing has been replaced by my neurotic panic stricken psychosis.

Was that a cramp???

Am I nauseous or just hungry????

What's going on down there!

Come on EMBRYOS STICK!!

This isn't going to work

Maybe I am pregnant........

They've Made it This Far . . .

You know I am thinking...

I've got some hard ass embryos here.

Considering they were cryogenically preserved (sounds kind of sci-fi) and survived the thaw--they've already beaten some pretty hard odds.

So, I am thinking these three transfers are not your ordinary egg and sperm cocktail, Oh, no these embryos are hard ass, though skinned, top of the class you can't kill us brother, embryos!

They've made it so far!

Now if only . . .

I am that Woman...

I am that Woman we all hope, wish, and pray for...cause if it works for her then maybe just maybe it will work for us.

Day 2 best rest - I am going nuts! I have my mother "taking care of me" which really means pestering me to stay on my back. I've tried to explain the sticky peanut butter uterus to her and that my embryos will not fall out....bless her she doesn't get it.

Transfer went smoothly. It was very different the second time around. Both Harry and I were numb and sort of going through the motions. There wasn't a surge of paternal joy and giddiness as before and as we were driving home I kept thinking "nothing is different - you're still infertile" It's so hard to get excited to even dream - I have no expectations of pregnancy but will be devastated when this FET fails.

We had 3 embryos transferred. 2 8 cells that grew into 12 cells and where class II (some fragmentation) and 1 6 cell that grew into an 8 cell class I (best class) they were all 100% alive. I didn't get any pictures and I think I got a sonogram but don't know what I did with it. If you want to see pictures of our pre-frozen embryos look here.

I think they transferred the elephant man.

I am hanging in there only 10 days left...

Calling all IVF Geniuses

Alright who of you in blogland is the smartest???

My embryos were:

conceived on March 29, 2006

frozen on April 1, 2006

thawed on May 31, 2006

and transferred on June 1, 2006

So here is the question...

How old are they????

So what do I write? 1dp3dt or 1dp4dt?? eeek! I asked the RE RN are my embryos considered Blasts and she said no still 3 day...but I said their 4 days old...ok but they're chilly....

Well I am off to the transfer! Thank you all for the support! You are all with me in spirit and your words of encouragement and care really do lift me up!