Saturday, November 19, 2011

Forever Family

Last night a judge signed a piece of paper that makes our daughter ours legally.  She was ours from the moment she was created now she's ours forever....

A Poem for Adoption

Did not plant you,
But when
The season is done -
When the alternate
Prayers for sun
And for rain
Are counted -
When the pain
Of Weeding
And the pride
Of Watching
Are through -


I will hold you
A shining sheaf
Above the thousand
Seeds grown wild.

Not my planting,

But by heaven
My harvest
My own child.

-Carol Lynn Pearson

Monday, November 14, 2011


Today is my daughter's birthday.

A year ago she came into this world.  I wasn't there for her birth but know a few details from the police and hospital report.  We don't know where she was born but we know she wasn't born in a hospital. There was a lot of trauma around her birth and she had some minor bruising and a small hematoma.  Her umbilical cord wasn't clamped.  She was wrapped in some dirty rags, placed in a duffel bag and left in a parking lot.  I don't know if her birth mother cried when she saw my baby's face or if she kissed her good bye.  I don't know what circumstances her birth mother was under and I don't know why she made the choices she made.  But she made them. 

Shortly after her delivery and abandonment a good Samaritan saw the duffel bag in the parking lot and decided to look inside.  He found a cold, sweet little baby girl.  My baby girl.  The press caught onto her story and the news was flooded with details of her birth and discovery.  My husband and I were watching the news that night when her story aired.  They flashed a picture of her and as soon as I saw her I knew in my heart of hearts that she was my baby girl.  I said, out loud, "that's our baby."  I don't think my husband believed me.  Probably thought I was insane.  But the minute I saw her face I knew that God had worked all things to good.  That whatever tragedies she and I had been through it was time for us to meet- time for us to be together.  This is the child I prayed for.  The child I dreamed of.  She didn't arrive the way I had planned but the way God had foreseen - the way the Lord had predestined.  She was mine in every sense of the word.

On Tuesday night I received a call from our social worker, "We have a placement for you." 

On Wednesday she was placed into our arms.

On Thursday 11-18-10 - we brought her home. 

On Friday 11-18-11 we finalize the adoption and she is legally ours forever. 

Today is her first birthday.

She is remarkable.

She is brilliant.

She is beautiful.

She is my daughter.

Thursday, November 03, 2011

Still There

The "soft marker" on the heart is still there.  The fancy word for it is Echogenic intracardiac focus. 

I actually found a website that explains soft markers.

We are waiting for the official report from radiology before making any other decisions....

so here we are back in limbo...

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

Another "Soft Marker"

I had another OB appointment last week.  I wasn't able to see my normal OB so I saw some other one in the practice. 

After shaking my hand he says, "Your ultra sound showed a thin cervix and andother "soft marker" for down syndrome."

Well HELLO to you too!  My cervix is fine - after and oh, so pleasant exam.  But the additional "soft marker" for downs scares me to death. So what do I do? I call my RE.  After all these years she's still the one I trust them must with my body and babies. I was giving second thought to an amnio but my RE advised against it.  She was gentle and very comforting (as usual). 

We have another OB and sono tomorrow morning.  We're looking for something on the heart.  The OB told me last week but of course in the rush of emotions I can't remember what he said they saw.  I know there isn't anything wrong with the baby's heart but something the radiologist saw points to downs. 

I am really torn up about this whole thing.  I am trying to think positive and not beat myself up over the whole situation.  I do blame myself at times.  If I hadn't pursued IVF ...if...if...if......

My husband has been great and is a comfort through all this.  He has a heart for special needs children and is so ready to love this baby no matter what the outcome.

I just read a blog of a women who's child was just diagnoises with downs.  None of the ultra sounds she had showed any "soft markers".  Should that terrify or comfort me?  I am not sure.

I'll fill you all in after our appointment tomorrow.