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Wednesday, May 30, 2007

It's a Little Like Playing Roulette

What number will it be?

What number will this Cycle end on?

Well we're in the "hopefully" last week of waiting.

Once I get this period there will be only one more period before IVF #2

I can't believe it is just around the corner.

I have a regular OBGYN appointment next week. I think I'll be ok. Last year I had a panic attack on the table, legs up, and speculum inserted and me freakin' out. It was way too soon to let anybody poke around down there.

So, I have a question. I've never had chicken pox. Should I get the vaccination? Both my brothers had the pox and I never got it. I even babysat a kid with it once and didn't get it. Just thinking about it.

Hope you're all have a lovely May!

P.S. Please pray from my cyster Spanglish she's unexpectedly pregnant!

Friday, May 18, 2007

Me Me Revisted

Becks tagged me for the Me, Me post.

Because I am a cranky infertile I shall refer you all to a previous post done 100 years ago when I was an innocent, unscathed, hopeful woman approaching my first IVF cycle.

http://mystrugglewithinfertility.blogspot.com/2006/01/me-me-me.html

Friday, May 11, 2007

Dream Baby

Last night I had the most amazingly real dream. I walked into my kitchen and there was a nurse bottle feeding an infant.

“I’ll feed him.” I said

The nurse handed me the baby but held onto the bottle.

“You won’t need this” she said pointing to my swollen breasts.

I walked into the living room and sat on our couch and looked down at my baby. He was a tiny little peanut with Harry’s wide set eyes that are the color of my father’s eyes, ice blue. My baby had a full hear of dark thick hair, like his mommy’s hair. His little wrinkled face reminded me of my beloved nephew’s infant face. He was warm, he was real, and he was mine. As I suckled my baby to my breast I was thinking..

“But the HPT said not pregnant. A (my SIL) is never going to believe this one. How, when did this happen.”

Then I woke up

Dream baby are you just a dream or are you a heavenly promise of things to come?

Dream baby please be real…

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Reflections

I am doing fine after the last two weeks of emotional torture.

I am moving on. Now that my hormones are back to normal I feel much better. Thanks for all the support and all the wishing on stars. It's so great to know I have a place where I can share my insanity and know I'll be understood. You're really all I got. No one knows my tortured heart like you all do. Thank you friends.

So, Harry and I were in bed enjoying our normal Saturday ritual. Harry makes a pot of tea on Saturday mornings and brings me a cup in bed and we cuddle and watch crapped Saturday morning TV. I know the ROMANCE! Well this Saturday Harry was flipping when I saw an egg being ISCIed.

"Stop!" I cried, "That's IVF"

Why oh why did I need to watch yet another news brief on IVF. This one was poignantly appropriate as it was about IVF and obese women. Yes my friend I said obese. It turns out that women who are obese, over weight, or just plain fat have a harder time of getting pregnant through IVF. The hormone imbalance from the fat makes it difficult for embryos transfers to implant. GREAT! Just what I needed to hear after my crappy week!

That sent me into a downward spiral. I don't think IVF is ever going to work. I am just feeling so totally helpless and hopeless right now. Our impending August cycle seems doomed even before it begins. Maybe I need to wait and loose more weight (I've lost 30 lbs).

Why can't I get pregnant?

I don't know if I should try in August or wait.

If I am not trying I know I'll never get pregnant. I am just not sure on what to do.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

The Pee Stick Has Spoken

NOT PREGNANT

AF still MIA

What is going on with my body? Please somebody tell me! Just when I was down to a 28 day cycle. I was so happy that my ovaries were working and I was cycling every 28 days. Now who knows what this means. I am giving it till Monday, then I am calling the RE.

**Update**
AF arrive at approximately 13:27 EST

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Clueless

No AF yet.

I can feel her coming....

And, yet CD 29

Have I officially missed a period?

Can I think I am pregnant? Anyone felt period cramps and was actually pregnant?

The pendulum keeps swinging.

I am going to POAS tomorrow. I've officially made it to CD 29 without POAS so I can be proud.