I know that all my fellow IF bloggers can relate to the purpose and therapy there is in blogging about this difficult journey of infertility.
My blog is my sanctuary.
It is a place for me and about me. I can be self centered, loathsome, irate, intolerant, hateful, angry, self deprecating, depressed, and mournful.
It is my blog. It is about me.
In real life I am a pretty selfless person. I put others above myself and have a hard time allowing myself to feel emotions or even standing up for myself.
I am in therapy dealing with these issues and I have my blog.
I can get all my ugliness out here -- I can say the things I would never say in public.
It's my world, my rules, my place.
If you cannot understand that - then please don't read this blog. I fight so hard to be honest with my emotions.
That said, I want to clarify some things for a recent viewer who left a very opinionated comment on my previous post Irony is a Bitch.
In case you missed the comment here it is:
I have read the post and comments and I cannot help but leave my own. I know
your SIL well and I think your comments are selfish and unfair. For the record,
your SIL has walked every step of your fertility troubles with you. She has been
there for you every time you have needed her. She has cried with you and for you
through your ordeal. I also do not hear any mention of HER fertility issues. In
all fairness, I think your readers should know that your SIL has had TWO
miscarriages herself, one as recently as this July. I think it is important that
you not lose sight of what your SIL has been to you and done for you over the
years. I know your struggle is a tough one, I have personally walked some of
this heartache but not to the extent you have, but that doesn't give you the
right to blast her on a public forum and discount all she has been to you.
Perhaps the rudest of all is to say that next May is going to, as you put it,
"suck ass." How could the birth of a child EVER "suck ass"??? Seriously, if you
cannot keep your focus on Jesus, the least you could do is take it off of
yourself every once in awhile. I hope that you find success with your IUI, I
truly do. The bitterness and pain is eating you up and it is incredibly
Leslie, I can see by your comment that you care very much for A, as do I. She is a wonderful woman and as you said she has been there for me. She and I have been friends for a long time and we were friends before we were family. I love her like a real sister and I cherish my nephew and future nieces or nephews that I will be blessed to have. A and C know that.
What you do not know is me. You do not know what it's like to be inside of my skin - you may have struggled with IF (as many of my fellow readers/bloggers have) but one thing we will all say is, "You don't know what it's like to be here-- to be me--right now." I pray you never will know this deep pain.
You see my pain isn't merely at the death of my unborn child but its the pain and struggle of dealing with my grief for my loss and yet the joy I feel at being an Aunt again. May is going to "suck ass" because I will have a physical reminder of my loss. As I snuggle my new niece or nephew and feel my heart grow with love for him or her I will remember that my arms are still empty. Showing a joyful face to my brother and A as they celebrate this most special of days is going to be difficult and yes, it most definitely will suck ass.
And about Jesus- Oh sister-- don't even go there.
And to A: I love you. It was with your permission I wrote that post. As I congratulated you on your pregnancy you told me that I didn't have to say congratulations and that you understood if I was angry. I believe you.
This is my blog, my space, my expression. Please don't read it if you can't accept this fundamental truth.