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Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Why I blog

I know that all my fellow IF bloggers can relate to the purpose and therapy there is in blogging about this difficult journey of infertility.

My blog is my sanctuary.

It is a place for me and about me. I can be self centered, loathsome, irate, intolerant, hateful, angry, self deprecating, depressed, and mournful.

It is my blog. It is about me.

In real life I am a pretty selfless person. I put others above myself and have a hard time allowing myself to feel emotions or even standing up for myself.

I am in therapy dealing with these issues and I have my blog.

I can get all my ugliness out here -- I can say the things I would never say in public.

It's my world, my rules, my place.

If you cannot understand that - then please don't read this blog. I fight so hard to be honest with my emotions.

That said, I want to clarify some things for a recent viewer who left a very opinionated comment on my previous post Irony is a Bitch.

In case you missed the comment here it is:

I have read the post and comments and I cannot help but leave my own. I know
your SIL well and I think your comments are selfish and unfair. For the record,
your SIL has walked every step of your fertility troubles with you. She has been
there for you every time you have needed her. She has cried with you and for you
through your ordeal. I also do not hear any mention of HER fertility issues. In
all fairness, I think your readers should know that your SIL has had TWO
miscarriages herself, one as recently as this July. I think it is important that
you not lose sight of what your SIL has been to you and done for you over the
years. I know your struggle is a tough one, I have personally walked some of
this heartache but not to the extent you have, but that doesn't give you the
right to blast her on a public forum and discount all she has been to you.
Perhaps the rudest of all is to say that next May is going to, as you put it,
"suck ass." How could the birth of a child EVER "suck ass"??? Seriously, if you
cannot keep your focus on Jesus, the least you could do is take it off of
yourself every once in awhile. I hope that you find success with your IUI, I
truly do. The bitterness and pain is eating you up and it is incredibly
unhealthy.


Leslie, I can see by your comment that you care very much for A, as do I. She is a wonderful woman and as you said she has been there for me. She and I have been friends for a long time and we were friends before we were family. I love her like a real sister and I cherish my nephew and future nieces or nephews that I will be blessed to have. A and C know that.

What you do not know is me. You do not know what it's like to be inside of my skin - you may have struggled with IF (as many of my fellow readers/bloggers have) but one thing we will all say is, "You don't know what it's like to be here-- to be me--right now." I pray you never will know this deep pain.

You see my pain isn't merely at the death of my unborn child but its the pain and struggle of dealing with my grief for my loss and yet the joy I feel at being an Aunt again. May is going to "suck ass" because I will have a physical reminder of my loss. As I snuggle my new niece or nephew and feel my heart grow with love for him or her I will remember that my arms are still empty. Showing a joyful face to my brother and A as they celebrate this most special of days is going to be difficult and yes, it most definitely will suck ass.

And about Jesus- Oh sister-- don't even go there.

And to A: I love you. It was with your permission I wrote that post. As I congratulated you on your pregnancy you told me that I didn't have to say congratulations and that you understood if I was angry. I believe you.

This is my blog, my space, my expression. Please don't read it if you can't accept this fundamental truth.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Trigger

Tonight is trigger night.

IUI #2 scheduled for Thursday morning.

I am doing better but in a complete funk. This has been a horrible 3 weeks. It just seems like Harry and I have had so much crap hurled at us. Our latest crap is that Harry is having troubles at work. Hopefully these troubles will be resolved this week. I couldn't take it if Harry lost his job.

Move along.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Irony is a Bitch

My brother and sister-in-law are pregnant.

She was on the pill.

We're gutted. The same month we loose our baby --they get a baby they weren't "trying" for.

May is gonna suck ass.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Move Along

We're moving on.

That's not to say this is any easier.

I think I've fooled myself with the severity and depth of our loss.

I keep having nightmares in which I am crying for my dead baby.

I am a ghost.

A shadow.

I am moving along. Living by the motions. This is my new theme song. I've used it before in this IF journey but today, right now, it's even more applicable.

Even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along
just to make it through.




When everything is wrong...

Monday, September 10, 2007

CD 3

It's officially over.

I am thankful that my body took care of everything and I don't need any further treatments.

My RE is convinced I was pregnant and hopeful that IUI will work for us.

I go in tomorrow for monitoring and kick off IUI #2 -- assuming everything looks clear. We're doing a clomid/injectibles cycle.

I am at peace and could do 100 IUIs before another IVF.

A thousand thank yous to everyone for all their support and love. All your comments mean so much to Harry and I. It's so comforting to know that we're not alone. Thank you all!

Sunday, September 09, 2007

Pregnant for a Day

For one day we knew what it was like to feel like we finally made it.

After 3 years we were able to embrace each other and celebrate.

I am bleeding as if AF is here. In my mind it's over.

I am not in any pain (physically). But in my heart, I know it's over.

Harry and I are blessed to know we had a baby for a day. We know IUI works for us and we can and will try again. I am so glad I POAS and new I was pregnant. If I hadn't taken the test I would have just thought AF arrived early. Now we know. It makes the loss harder and greater but it gives us hope and trust that one day we will get pregnant and take home a baby.

Thank you so much for your support and encouragement. All our shared pain unites us and you are all sisters to me. Thank you.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Waiting

It's been a rough night.

The ups and downs of infertility only intensify once you think you have a positive...

We're still so overwhelmed and can't possibly believe that we will make it through this with a real live baby.

I woke up in the middle of the night to pee and discovered I was bleeding.

It was red blood. Not a lot --only saw it when I wiped (sorry if this is TMI).

I spent the rest of the night on line goo.g.gling 'bleeding during pregnancy'.

Called my RE's call service at 6 AM. The RN returned my call in 10 minutes and said that all we can do is wait and as soon as we have the blood results she'll let me know.

Bleeding has seemed to tapper off.

Just got the blood results phone call. BETA is 14. Yesterday was 12 dpIUI. I don't know what this means. Of course I've goo.g.g.led Hcg levels and am still none the wiser.

RN says its a positive and to come in on Monday and not to be too concerned cause it is still very early.

So we're back to the waiting game.

This is torture.

Friday, September 07, 2007

Skerd

I have this argument with myself everytime...


to pee or not to pee.....


After countless negative HPTs I've always promised myself...


"NO HPTs until I miss a period"


And I always loose.


So today I broke down and PAOS.


Telling myself. "When you get the BFN at least you'll know and you can mourn the loss and move on."


So I did it.


And I saw a faint blue line.


I called my RE RN and they told me to come in now for blood work.


Took another POAS test at the RE's office. Here's that picture



You can see the faint pink test line.

RE says it's not the HCG shot- I am pregnant

RE RN says I am pregnant

Office mananger says I am pregnant

I can't believe it....

Blood work was rushed. RE RN should call with blood work results tonight.

Harry and I are skerd.

Saturday, September 01, 2007

Pregnancy Symptom Advisory System **UPDATED**

The Sunny Jenny Pregnancy Symptom Advisory System has elevated the Pregnancy threat from Low to Guarded.




As the public may know the PSAS was devised to warn the public, friends, and family of Sunny Jenny of an impending pregnancy. Regardless of the PSAS level, there is no positive way to guarantee a pregnancy is approaching.


The PSAS is here simply to advise you on the emotional and mental state of Sunny Jenny. Please prepare accordingly.


**UPDATE**

The PSAS has been down graded to LOW.

Pre-mentsral cramps have begun. Well cramping is a symtom of pregnancy you may say; however, after 3 years of this crap I know my body and know AF is coming.