Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Why I blog

I know that all my fellow IF bloggers can relate to the purpose and therapy there is in blogging about this difficult journey of infertility.

My blog is my sanctuary.

It is a place for me and about me. I can be self centered, loathsome, irate, intolerant, hateful, angry, self deprecating, depressed, and mournful.

It is my blog. It is about me.

In real life I am a pretty selfless person. I put others above myself and have a hard time allowing myself to feel emotions or even standing up for myself.

I am in therapy dealing with these issues and I have my blog.

I can get all my ugliness out here -- I can say the things I would never say in public.

It's my world, my rules, my place.

If you cannot understand that - then please don't read this blog. I fight so hard to be honest with my emotions.

That said, I want to clarify some things for a recent viewer who left a very opinionated comment on my previous post Irony is a Bitch.

In case you missed the comment here it is:

I have read the post and comments and I cannot help but leave my own. I know
your SIL well and I think your comments are selfish and unfair. For the record,
your SIL has walked every step of your fertility troubles with you. She has been
there for you every time you have needed her. She has cried with you and for you
through your ordeal. I also do not hear any mention of HER fertility issues. In
all fairness, I think your readers should know that your SIL has had TWO
miscarriages herself, one as recently as this July. I think it is important that
you not lose sight of what your SIL has been to you and done for you over the
years. I know your struggle is a tough one, I have personally walked some of
this heartache but not to the extent you have, but that doesn't give you the
right to blast her on a public forum and discount all she has been to you.
Perhaps the rudest of all is to say that next May is going to, as you put it,
"suck ass." How could the birth of a child EVER "suck ass"??? Seriously, if you
cannot keep your focus on Jesus, the least you could do is take it off of
yourself every once in awhile. I hope that you find success with your IUI, I
truly do. The bitterness and pain is eating you up and it is incredibly

Leslie, I can see by your comment that you care very much for A, as do I. She is a wonderful woman and as you said she has been there for me. She and I have been friends for a long time and we were friends before we were family. I love her like a real sister and I cherish my nephew and future nieces or nephews that I will be blessed to have. A and C know that.

What you do not know is me. You do not know what it's like to be inside of my skin - you may have struggled with IF (as many of my fellow readers/bloggers have) but one thing we will all say is, "You don't know what it's like to be here-- to be me--right now." I pray you never will know this deep pain.

You see my pain isn't merely at the death of my unborn child but its the pain and struggle of dealing with my grief for my loss and yet the joy I feel at being an Aunt again. May is going to "suck ass" because I will have a physical reminder of my loss. As I snuggle my new niece or nephew and feel my heart grow with love for him or her I will remember that my arms are still empty. Showing a joyful face to my brother and A as they celebrate this most special of days is going to be difficult and yes, it most definitely will suck ass.

And about Jesus- Oh sister-- don't even go there.

And to A: I love you. It was with your permission I wrote that post. As I congratulated you on your pregnancy you told me that I didn't have to say congratulations and that you understood if I was angry. I believe you.

This is my blog, my space, my expression. Please don't read it if you can't accept this fundamental truth.


JJ said...

Amen (to Jesus too ;) ) This is YOUR space.

Road Blocks and Rollercoasters said...

Good for you! If people can't handle your opinion then they shouldn't read it.

Amanda said...

YOUR blog. About YOUR journey and YOUR emotions. What else are you supposed to write about? And if you aren't honest, it doesn't help.

Bea said...

I won't get into the debate between you and SIL. That's between you and SIL. With what she's been through, she seems well placed to understand.


nancy said...

~hugs~. It's hard when people take your words and make them means something else. Like saying ~May will suck ass~. You didn't say "That baby's birth will suck ass". I know what you meant and it wasn't that. Ugh. Again, sorry some people feel the need to post whatever comes to their mind, no matter how rude, when there is an option for comments. And then to follow up with good wishes... THAT is what always pisses me off the most. "blah blah rude blah rude rude blah blah. Have a nice day!" It's like they rationalize their rudeness by thinking it was okay because they wished you well. WhatEV.

Brandy said...

I don't think I've commented here before but I just wanted to say that your response was excellent. Your feelings are your own and completely okay to have. She hasn't walked in your shoes, no matter what her situation has been. Until that happens she has no right to ridicule your thoughts and feelings.

gracechild said...

i think whoever leslie is needs to mind her own business. it's because of people like her that people like us have to blog. Because any truthful expression of emotions that are anything but politically correct is wrong to them. People like her should stick to tea parties & polite dinners and leave blogworld for real human beings with real emotions.

Jenny, you owe no one an explanation for your emotions. La Vida

Anonymous said...

I know Jenny in real life. And I am appalled at what Leslie had to say. Jenny, I am glad you had the courage to stand up for yourself. I do want to say something about the this comment:

"Seriously, if you cannot keep your focus on Jesus, the least you could do is take it off of yourself every once in awhile."

I have prayed with Jenny countless times and watched her struggle with her infertility and God's will in this entire journey. I have sat with her as she's begged Jesus to work in her life and seen her in church putting on a smile and holding children when she was shattered inside. How dare you claim she's not focused on Jesus. You have no clue who she is or how much she is focused on Christ. How her and Harry pray everyday for a baby, how she's in counseling with a therapist and our Pastor too keep her focus on Jesus.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Just where was your focus when your wrote that comment?

Tracy said...

Amen, sister. What a b-word.

And I didn't see that you said one thing negative about your SIL. The OP was about YOUR feelings.

Good luck to you.

Fertilize Me said...

Write ON!! THis is yours!

soralis said...

I agree it's your space.

Good luck with your IUI.

chicklet said...

I think you've expressed yourself really well here - it's not that the birth of a child will suck ass, it's everything that it brings to the forefront for you that sucks ass.

And your SIL sounds awesome - anyone who can say "i understand if you're angry", well,they're awesome.

Katarina Jelly Beana said...

I wrote in my blog today about some of the ugliness I have in my own heart. I'm not proud of it. I don't nurture it. I feel a great deal of shame over it. It's just there, born of envy and frustration.

At the same time, I can't deny that those negative feelings exists. They are mine to deal with and to work through. I, like you, use my blog to state the things my heart feels but my mouth can't utter.

I'm sorry if Leslie can't see and understand that. My hope is that she has never and will never have anything in her life to cause her the kind of pain you have experienced. Perhaps her good fortune is the cause of her insensitivity.

Wanting & Waiting said...

Write on (pun intended). This is your space...we're just those priviledged to be able to peek inside your mind. Your thoughts are yours, and we're happy you choose to blog about them and share with the rest of us IFers

Beagle said...

What I want to know is why so many judgemental people bring up Jesus. Wasn't Jeasus about forgiveness?

This is your space to say what you need to.