Do I Get Back On?

I am off of metformin! Been off for 90 days and have had 3 cycles! This last one was a non medicated 32 day cycle!!

As a PCOS girl this is pretty amazing! DH and I are pretty excited and starting to talk about getting pregnant again.

But for the past month all I've been dong is thinking about babies. I keep dreaming that I am pregnant. Obviously, my subconscious is trying to work this whole thing out.

I know I am not going back to the RE until January. So if anything will try the old fashioned way. -- And we know how well that's worked for us in the past! \

I really torn on weather or not I am ready to jump back into the craziness of ttc. I've been pretty content having worked through some of my infertility baggage and know how crazy and heart breaking that infertility roller coaster can be.

UGH!

Conditioned

One thing I don't think non-infertile people understand is how we infertiles are conditioned by our infertility.

Our experiences really do shape how we respond to and react to most anything else in the world.

Take for example, Harry's and my search for a home.

We began the process hopeful and excited. We brought our digital camera to all the houses we viewed. We took detailed pictures and extensive notes.

We found a house we loved! Put in a contract and guess what! BFN!

A little disappointed but we moved on...searching....

Found another house we liked... made an offer... someone beat us to it! BFN!

Soon the house searching became tedious and more of a chore than an adventure.

House #3 - BFN
House # 4 - short sale - waited 5 agonizing weeks for-- yep-- a BFN!!
House # 5 - BFN- comeback with more $$
House #6 - BFN
House # 7 - BFN

All our offers were rejected or countered with a much too high price tag for us. Some houses had already received a ratified contract the day we were making our offer. Each phone call from our realtor seemed very much like the phone call from the RE,

"Not this time, it just didn't work."

I knew it was bad when Harry said, "This feels like IVF/IUI all over again. It's like we're being told NO! again."

It seemed like a simple search for a home. With a market in the dumps surely we'd find a house we could call home. We never thought we'd have a single family home in Northern VA but dare we, dare we hope?

And you know what happens when you hope. She turns around and smacks you in the face.

"Ha, ha, take that you silly fools!"

Agonizing, heart breaking, depressing.

So conditioned to failure, so accustomed to heart break.

We understand the word "NO" all too well.

Until Wednesday. On Wednesday we got the phone call. We made an offer on Monday and on Wednesday offer #8 was accepted!!

We should be happy! We should be joyous! We finally made it!

Or have we? Conditioned.

We are terrified we'll loose our house. Silly? perhaps. But we're conditioned to loosing. Conditioned to failing. Conditioned to having the rug ripped out from underneath us.

I won't exhale until I have a RLH (real live house). Our due date (closing) is May 14. The day after Harry's birthday and 4 days before our EDD from our September loss.

Will May suck? It's still a waiting game.

Update

You know you think I would have learned not to watch the baby show on that learning channel. Well apparently I am a hard learner. I watched an episode last week and had a minor melt down. I stopped and thought, "Oh. I'll watch this for Bella's sake". Well I of course had an emotional breakdown and rememeberd that I should be pregnant now and that I should be preparing to bring my baby into the world. But I am not.

You know, I've been reflecting on this "Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda" thing. And you know I've decided it I "should" be something I "would". does that make sense?

I am tired of saying; "I should be pregnant", "I should have lost weight", "I should have gone back to school". All this energy and time spent shoulding is not doing me any good.

I've got to give it up and let it go.

If I should be pregant I would be.

On anothoer note...
Still working with my Doctor for my mandatory Physcian assisted weightloss program. That is not going to well. I think I lost maybe 5 lbs. But, hey, I am not really trying.

On the home front -we're buying a house!! The housing market has slumped that we can actually afford a house! We have to move one county south (longer comute) but we can purchase a single family home! We're so excited. We found one we LOVED. But alas someone beat us with a better offer! So we're still looking.

We've been TCC the old fashion way. Ok, you can stop laughing now. It feels good to try. And we're actually not stressed about it. We're having fun (wink, wink) and if it happens, YIPPEE.

My God-daughter is due next month. I am so excited to meet her! I planned her momma's baby shower and actually did ok.

That't it for now. I've been tagged by Bonnie so I'll post tomorrow with my tag response.

Now Calling Number . . .

Yet another friend has announced her pregnancy to me.

One more for them and none for me.

I did very well. I only teared up slightly.

Mostly when she said, "You're next! I know it!"

I've been next so many times, I've given up and jumped out of line.

Luckily it was over the phone so she couldn't see my tears.

It's so hard when you hear the news. You feel so defeated and everything you've been through rushes over you again and you feel it all anew. All the disappointing failures, all the hopelessness, all the loss. It hits you like a tidal wave that would rival anything Godzilla could throw at the Japanese.

You try to engage in small talk, pushing back the urge to sob uncontrollably. Thinking of all the things you know are coming for her but have never experienced.

"Oh, you're 10 weeks, well then your baby is ....."

It hurts

bitterly

And it takes all you have not to break down and scream It takes everything not to shut down and crawl under your desk.

You feel so pathetic, so vulnerable, and so petty.

You want to be happy, you really, really do, but your pain is suffocating - it has dominion over all your emotions.

You just take a deep breath, and utter, "Congratulations" hoping your voice doesn't crack somewhere in the middle.



So when and how did you hear your friend, sister, best friend, barren 98 year old widow, or co-worker were expecting? How did you react?

Broken

Blood work confirmed what I knew in my heart.

I feel like a broken record but really, "I don't know how many more failed cycles I can take."

It is so heartbreaking and drains every bit of hope, encouragement, life, joy, and peace out of my soul. I am left as a shadow, a shell of who I am.

I am not doing very well at hiding it anymore. People ask me how I am doing and I say,

"Fine." but they know I am not and often remind me that I don't look "fine".

I am so tired-- so worn out-- so beat up.

We're taking a break. I want to try to enjoy my favorite time of year. I want to focus on my family and friends and enjoy this holiday season.

Harry is going to see a urologist. We need to figure out what is going on with his swimmers.

I am trying to start up my exercise and healthy eating. I NEED TO LOOSE WEIGHT! I know this beyond any doubt. Because even if I get pregnant again my PCOS may not let me stay pregnant.

It's so hard. I had planned to get up and exercise this morning-- but once again hit the snooze. Why can't I just do it? If I really want a baby so badly why can't I do what I know will help increase my chances? WHY! -- I am so desperate I am even considering gastri.c. ba.nd.ing.

I am just feeling so utterly hopeless and useless right now.

Funk

I am in a funk.

I don't think I am pregnant.

I am so freakin' tired of all this crap.

I just want a baby.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. How much more hope I can loose.

I am so drained. SO stinkin' tired.

Harry is sure we'll be parents one day. I am not so sure.

I feel totally hopeless...

I am symptom less. Don't really feel anything.

Why do so many people around me get to be pregnant but not me. Why?

I am so sick and tired of smiling to cover my pain.

It hurts.

So Wrong

How could I be so wrong.

That's what's most upsetting.

I really, honestly thought I was pregnant.

I am not one to hope or think this will work for me. For a long time I even doubted I would ever get pregnant.

To be so hopeful --to have convinced Harry

I am crushed

I don't know my body-- it lied to me.

My heart is so broken and now the miscarriage hurts all over again.

Why I blog

I know that all my fellow IF bloggers can relate to the purpose and therapy there is in blogging about this difficult journey of infertility.

My blog is my sanctuary.

It is a place for me and about me. I can be self centered, loathsome, irate, intolerant, hateful, angry, self deprecating, depressed, and mournful.

It is my blog. It is about me.

In real life I am a pretty selfless person. I put others above myself and have a hard time allowing myself to feel emotions or even standing up for myself.

I am in therapy dealing with these issues and I have my blog.

I can get all my ugliness out here -- I can say the things I would never say in public.

It's my world, my rules, my place.

If you cannot understand that - then please don't read this blog. I fight so hard to be honest with my emotions.

That said, I want to clarify some things for a recent viewer who left a very opinionated comment on my previous post Irony is a Bitch.

In case you missed the comment here it is:

I have read the post and comments and I cannot help but leave my own. I know
your SIL well and I think your comments are selfish and unfair. For the record,
your SIL has walked every step of your fertility troubles with you. She has been
there for you every time you have needed her. She has cried with you and for you
through your ordeal. I also do not hear any mention of HER fertility issues. In
all fairness, I think your readers should know that your SIL has had TWO
miscarriages herself, one as recently as this July. I think it is important that
you not lose sight of what your SIL has been to you and done for you over the
years. I know your struggle is a tough one, I have personally walked some of
this heartache but not to the extent you have, but that doesn't give you the
right to blast her on a public forum and discount all she has been to you.
Perhaps the rudest of all is to say that next May is going to, as you put it,
"suck ass." How could the birth of a child EVER "suck ass"??? Seriously, if you
cannot keep your focus on Jesus, the least you could do is take it off of
yourself every once in awhile. I hope that you find success with your IUI, I
truly do. The bitterness and pain is eating you up and it is incredibly
unhealthy.

Leslie, I can see by your comment that you care very much for A, as do I. She is a wonderful woman and as you said she has been there for me. She and I have been friends for a long time and we were friends before we were family. I love her like a real sister and I cherish my nephew and future nieces or nephews that I will be blessed to have. A and C know that.

What you do not know is me. You do not know what it's like to be inside of my skin - you may have struggled with IF (as many of my fellow readers/bloggers have) but one thing we will all say is, "You don't know what it's like to be here-- to be me--right now." I pray you never will know this deep pain.

You see my pain isn't merely at the death of my unborn child but its the pain and struggle of dealing with my grief for my loss and yet the joy I feel at being an Aunt again. May is going to "suck ass" because I will have a physical reminder of my loss. As I snuggle my new niece or nephew and feel my heart grow with love for him or her I will remember that my arms are still empty. Showing a joyful face to my brother and A as they celebrate this most special of days is going to be difficult and yes, it most definitely will suck ass.

And about Jesus- Oh sister-- don't even go there.

And to A: I love you. It was with your permission I wrote that post. As I congratulated you on your pregnancy you told me that I didn't have to say congratulations and that you understood if I was angry. I believe you.

This is my blog, my space, my expression. Please don't read it if you can't accept this fundamental truth.

Irony is a Bitch

My brother and sister-in-law are pregnant.

She was on the pill.

We're gutted. The same month we loose our baby --they get a baby they weren't "trying" for.

May is gonna suck ass.

Move Along

We're moving on.

That's not to say this is any easier.

I think I've fooled myself with the severity and depth of our loss.

I keep having nightmares in which I am crying for my dead baby.

I am a ghost.

A shadow.

I am moving along. Living by the motions. This is my new theme song. I've used it before in this IF journey but today, right now, it's even more applicable.

Even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along
just to make it through.




When everything is wrong...

Pregnant for a Day

For one day we knew what it was like to feel like we finally made it.

After 3 years we were able to embrace each other and celebrate.

I am bleeding as if AF is here. In my mind it's over.

I am not in any pain (physically). But in my heart, I know it's over.

Harry and I are blessed to know we had a baby for a day. We know IUI works for us and we can and will try again. I am so glad I POAS and new I was pregnant. If I hadn't taken the test I would have just thought AF arrived early. Now we know. It makes the loss harder and greater but it gives us hope and trust that one day we will get pregnant and take home a baby.

Thank you so much for your support and encouragement. All our shared pain unites us and you are all sisters to me. Thank you.

Left Behind

Preface:

If you are a friend or family member and you know I am talking about you please don't be offended. I love you and don't want you to feel guilty or bad at all! I need this blog and I need to get these words out.... words I could never utter with my lips...only here in this refuge.

------

Today I received the greatest news!

A dear friend of mine is pregnant. She has been trying for a while, undergone some ART, and found out that she is pregnant!

I am overwhelmed with joy for her and her husband.

She feels a little guilty - you know survivor's guilt.

We've always joked about being pregnant together. She planned another ART cycle this month and we hoped that my upcoming IVF/ISCI in August would result in a conception and we would be pregnant together.

I am so happy for her but even more aware of my own pain and emptiness. She was the one person who knew what it's like to be on this side. And now she's gone.

My fear and trepidation about the upcoming cycle is even greater now. I really feel so overwhelmed with the thought of failure that it paralyzes me.

I know if I don't try it will never happen. Because you see it happens for everyone else except me.

Dream Baby

Last night I had the most amazingly real dream. I walked into my kitchen and there was a nurse bottle feeding an infant.

“I’ll feed him.” I said

The nurse handed me the baby but held onto the bottle.

“You won’t need this” she said pointing to my swollen breasts.

I walked into the living room and sat on our couch and looked down at my baby. He was a tiny little peanut with Harry’s wide set eyes that are the color of my father’s eyes, ice blue. My baby had a full hear of dark thick hair, like his mommy’s hair. His little wrinkled face reminded me of my beloved nephew’s infant face. He was warm, he was real, and he was mine. As I suckled my baby to my breast I was thinking..

“But the HPT said not pregnant. A (my SIL) is never going to believe this one. How, when did this happen.”

Then I woke up

Dream baby are you just a dream or are you a heavenly promise of things to come?

Dream baby please be real…

Stand Back Woman Having Emotional Breakdown in Baby Aisle

It was a normal shopping experience at that store with the bulls eye logo.

Harry and I putter around the store picking up needed items.

Your normal average day.

Until I wonder over to the baby aisle. Normally I am okay in this often unknown territory, but if I go there looking for my little nephew, I usually have no problem.

I always love to pick him out little onesies with cool logos like:

Spit Happens

or

Bald is Beautiful

But on this day I saw this...

there it was, a little pink onesies. I was paralyzed and overwhelmed with emotions. This little pink snappy shirt thing brought me to an emotional ball of tears and snot in less than 2 seconds.

I took a picture with my camera phone. I wanted to buy it but have a major aversion to buying any personal baby products. So there is stayed. On its little baby hanger.

Little baby you are worth the wait.

I am just tired of waiting.

Away

I've been away from IVF, away from blogs, away from message boards, and away from home.

It's been good.

Being away from everything has really been cathartic. I've begun to remember who I am and even glimpse who I use to be. I am slowly finding joy in my life and am getting excited about things that are happening around me.

I am healing.

I really find it hard to read your blogs. Not because I don't care about you (I do, I do, I do!!) but because when I read about what is happening to you I get swept away by a tidal wave of emotions and remembrance of all I've been through and thoughts of what is yet to come in my personal journey. I can't find peace. Not yet anyway.

It's funny, blogs use to bring me so much comfort. Now they serve as reminders of what a crappy shit hole IF is.

Just wanted to let you all know I am alive and learning to live again.

She has My Life

I got one of those e-mails today. You know the one from a distant "friend". The one that you met at work, church, a social group, or school. You see her maybe twice a year for "lunch" or at another social event. She e-mails you family updates and pictures of her kids. They even have a family website. Yeah I got an e-mail from her. Now, Jessie, is a really, really wonderful women and has no clue about our IF and recent disappointments. So, I don't feel anger towards Jessie for sending me the family update, I am just completely consumed by jealously. She has my life.

She has a house. I live in a crappy over priced apartment. The housing market here is beyond ridiculous. We will never qualify for a mortgage that would actually buy us anything reasonable. I am stuck in a two bedroom shitty apartment that I am throwing money at every month that will get me absolutely no where. When my insurance benefits run out and I have to take a second mortgage out on a house to pay for IVF I won't even have a house to mortgage.

She's cute. God she is so cute and perky. She isn't afraid to be in pictures and always has the cutest clothes. She's not thin but she's curvy. And I hate her. Hate is a strong word. I am just completely envious. Her hair is so pretty and wavy and her skin well her skin is translucent.

And the number 1 reason I am jealous is she has 3 kids. A four year old daughter and 8 month old twins (all conceive the old fashioned way -- actually the twins were a surprise). And she named the twin girl my girl name.

Yes she has my life and I am so mad I am in tears.

Why the fuck am I an infertile stuck in an apartment with $11.00 in my checking account?

So, my reply to the e-mail....

Let's do lunch.

Where I am

Thank you once again for all you care and concern. There is no one who knows what if feels like to be tangled and burdened with infertility and IVF than a fellow infertile. Thank you for your care but most importantly for your support in the midst of your own battle with infertility.

There are a few updates and things I'd like to share with you.

The Therapist
I met with my therapist yesterday for the first time. Draining. That pretty much sums it up. She is great and really helped me to talk about what the infertility diagnosis makes me feel. We talked about my childhood and mother issues and a few other items. Mainly I talked about the anger and frustration that come with being IF and feelings of unfairness and guilt. As a Christian I am having a hard time reconciling my situation with God. I am so ANGRY with him. Most of my anger centers around the feeling of denial. If feel as if God is willfully denying my request/plea/yearning/desire/anguish for a child. I absolutely believe it is in his power to make me a mother but feel as if he simply is refusing/denying me a child. The rage and anger I feel is immense and has halted my prayer life. I can see the Lord holding my child in his arms. He has a baby by the arm pits and is holding it out to me. I know it's my child. I go to reach it and no matter how hard I try I can't get there. I reach and reach and reach until I begin to fall away and God and my child slip away. I am so close to grasping my baby but can't quite get there. It's unbearable.

My therapist was able to validate many of my feelings and help me connect with my anger and grief. She also gave me some clarity when she said, "Many times when we face these feeling of denial we open old wounds that we may have thought were healed only to discover that they're really not. " It was an epiphany.

As I was leaving my therapist said, "oh, you may find it helpful to journal," I said, "I do -- I blog". We did talk about my online community and how I've been able to find support and encouragement and she encouraged me to continue with my blogging.

PCOS
SUCKS! I am so freakin' sick and tired of this stupid syndrome/disorder. It's running my life. Of course I blame it for everything - infertility/IVF failures/weight/facial hair/bad mood/ EVERYTHING. I am so sick and tired of it. I have to get this under control before I attempt another FET. I've been reading some good books on PCOS and how to get it under control. It's been one week and I am doing pretty good. I am exercising regularly (walked 1.5 miles this morning and 3 miles last week) and trying to balance my carbs with protein. I am learning. I want to shed weight quickly. I feel like we are on such a time crunch because of Harry's age (42). Perhaps that's self inflicted and will be moved to topic #1. I've turned my failure and anger to PCOS and my weight.

My RE
I really do love my RE and clinic. I sent them a letter thanking them for their kindness and support. I wanted to let them know were we are taking a break and when we are ready to continue that we're planning on using the last 4 embryos for a FET.

Me and Hubby
We're doing good. I am looking forward to a mini vacation with Harry. I just want to spend some time with him and have lots of sex. Not think of babies or conceiving or anything but us. I want to enjoy the summer and grow closer as a couple.

That's about it for now. I hope you're all doing well and coping where every you are in your IF journey.

Aftermath

First of all thank you, thank you, thank you. You all were the third "person" to be told. After I called Harry and my SIL I ran on the PC to blog. Thank you all for your support, care, and kind words.

It's amazing how much I've changed. How scared and battered my heart has become. I am a different woman than I was 3 short months ago. I am so battered and broken. I don't like who I've become.

I have now joy in my life.

Everything revolves around conceiving. Everything.

I go to work to pay the bills so we can afford IVF.

Sometimes I eat because I have to.

I sleep because sometimes I can dream.

I am a shadow of my former self.

I am seeing a therapist on Monday. I need closure, perspective, and direction.

I am starting to turn into a bitter women who is envious of other women who are successful/pregnant - I hate myself for that -- I have to get that under control.

I am taking a break.

I don't know for how long.

I want my body back, I want my life back, I want me back.

Hope vs. Denial

What's the difference?

I am I just full of hope that this FET actually worked and I should still hold out hope that I am pregnant

or

I am just in denial, unable to face reality, and still completely and utterly barren?

What's the difference between hope and denial?

Hope is just Denial sugar coated and washed up so people don't think we're ready to be institutionalized.

It sounds nicer to say "I am very hopeful this cycle worked"

rather than

"I am in complete denial that my womb has killed yet again 3 offspring"

much nicer...

Flashbacks

I keep having flashbacks to IVF #1.

I keep comparing how I felt 7dp3dt last time and how I feel today.

So far no cramps.

You may think that give me comfort but not really.... it's probably just the PIO.

I keep waiting for the cramps... expecting a twinge...a pull....just waiting for the inevitable end of this FET dream. I am consumed.

Sometimes I forget I am with embryo and when I remember this limbo we're in I am like,

"Man, it was so nice to forget"

Harry and I are both going manic. Wanting our babies to stick and not wanting to "get attached" -pardon the pun - to the thought of being parents.

I have no symptoms of pregnancy.

well at 7dp3dt my embies are either dead, dying, or growing.

I am praying for growing.