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Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Broken

Blood work confirmed what I knew in my heart.

I feel like a broken record but really, "I don't know how many more failed cycles I can take."

It is so heartbreaking and drains every bit of hope, encouragement, life, joy, and peace out of my soul. I am left as a shadow, a shell of who I am.

I am not doing very well at hiding it anymore. People ask me how I am doing and I say,

"Fine." but they know I am not and often remind me that I don't look "fine".

I am so tired-- so worn out-- so beat up.

We're taking a break. I want to try to enjoy my favorite time of year. I want to focus on my family and friends and enjoy this holiday season.

Harry is going to see a urologist. We need to figure out what is going on with his swimmers.

I am trying to start up my exercise and healthy eating. I NEED TO LOOSE WEIGHT! I know this beyond any doubt. Because even if I get pregnant again my PCOS may not let me stay pregnant.

It's so hard. I had planned to get up and exercise this morning-- but once again hit the snooze. Why can't I just do it? If I really want a baby so badly why can't I do what I know will help increase my chances? WHY! -- I am so desperate I am even considering gastri.c. ba.nd.ing.

I am just feeling so utterly hopeless and useless right now.

17 comments:

Baby Deux? said...

Jenny...I HAVE A BAND! If you do decide to go that route please do not hesitate to contact me!!!

I am so sorry you got a negative and you have every right to feel crappy about it!

Amy said...

Jenny ~ You are NOT useless. You are an amazing person who is feeling the natural emotions that come with a BFN. I was feeling the same way as you a few weeks ago. I knew what I needed to do in order to better my chances, but like you, couldn't bring myself to actually DO them...everyday is still a struggle. I'm here if you want some virtual support...I too, have PCOS and need to lose weight.

Delenn said...

I think you are being too hard on yourself at the moment about the exercise/weight loss. It's been such a rough ride for you and you still haven't quite gotten to the end of it. But give yourself time and then you can regroup. I am sorry it did not work this time---I have been reading your blog for some time and have only wished the best for you and your husband. Life is so unfair! I hope that the next stage for you and your husband will bring success.

katarinajellybeana said...

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry! I know you were hopeful.

Negative bloodwork sucks.

I hope you are really able to focus on the break and playing with family and friends. Be sure to balance that healthy eating attitude with indulging in the really good.

mary ellen said...

I am so sorry Jenny. I so hope that your break is helpful. Hugs.

nancy said...

I'm so sorry. ~hugs~

Tracy said...

I think those of us who have gone through a failed IVF cycle (or two, or three...) have felt that feeling of hopelessness. Of being tired to the core. Of thinking, "I cannot possibly go through this again." And I totally know what you mean about the needing to lose weight. I've gained at least 25 pounds over the course of the last year. And I try to blame it on the drugs, but it's probably a combo of lack of exercise and emotional eating as well.

I agree with PP to give yourself some time on the weight loss. Your body has been through a heck of a ride, so don't beat yourself up too much. Start slow, and it will happen.

Try to take it one day at a time...and I pray that each day, or at least a day here and there, get better for you.

Thinking of you.

JJ said...

I am so sorry Jenny....

Baby Deux? said...

FOr some reason it isn't letting me email you through your profile so I took a stab at your email address based on your profile. Let me know if you get anything from "Jill". :o)

I would love to talk to you about the band. It is the best thing I ever did for myself! I lost 115 in less than a year.

gracechild said...

i'm at loss for words Jenny.

Bea said...

I'm not surprised you're hitting the snooze. Infertility sucks the energy out of you in the worst way, especially on a day like this. It does sound like you could use a break (wanting a break is a sure sign). I hope you regain your energy - and shed some weight - before the next round.

Bea

hoping for a baby said...

i'm so sorry...in an attempt to make you feel better...i was eating for two for two straight weeks when i thought i might be pregnant. i didn't deny myself any cravings just in case my baby needed the fat in my egg and cheese biscuit, french fries or ice cream. all the halloween candy i ate...and of course, i wasn't pregnant so it all ended up on my butt for nothing. best to you.

Yias Yias Girl said...

I'm so sorry about the negative. Sometimes a break does you good. IF just sucks.

Journeywoman said...

I'm so sorry.

BFN is hell on earth. I also hear you about the weight. I'm over 100 lbs overweight and in IF hell about it too.

Take care of you.

Beagle said...

Well, I know you read my own funky post today. I'm stopping by to lend my support. It's all so hard, isn't it?

Please be kind to yourself.

namaste said...

Your plan is so similar to my... if I'll get negative blood test on Tuesday (this was my third attempt of IUI, first after being pregnant for only three days), hysteroscopy is my next step, but at the same time I'm planning to loose some weight and exercise... before going to my first IVF. This is one more way of trying to get the feeling of having some control over my life... again. For too many months, my life was on 'stand by'. I don't even recognize myself most of the time, both mentally and physically. I worn out, I have lack of energy, I got weight...
But now, I have four more days of waiting... and trying not to hope...
Have a really nice holidays and good luck with your plan! :)
Whishing you all the best from Croatia

GLouise said...

I am thinking of you !!!

on another note, I just went pwd protect and will be sending you an invite.

Hugs my friend.