On Hiatus

Well I am not sure if anyone is still reading this blog.



I could make a list of why I haven't posted but honestly I've had to distance myself from infertility to live.



Those of us suffering with infertility know the all consuming hold it has on every aspect of my life. For me this was especially true. Focusing on my infertility really caused me to loose joy in my life. So much of my time was spent living in the past and "what ifs"



I really let go of living there...in infertile land...



That's not too say I don't live with the pain everyday. May is especially hard for me. Seeing babies/children that are the age of a child I didn't have still hurts.



My youngest brother's wife is pregnant. I was able to take the news and utter a faked "Congratulations!" for him. I kept myself together on the phone and cried when I called my husband. The pain is still there and will be there forever. Learning to live beyond it is the challenge we all face.



I've been able to move on. I haven't given up my journey. I am only postponing it.



Hope you're all well and learning to move through the pain...

A Real Live House

We finally made it!

As home owners!!

After a rough week of delayed closing and getting all the needed documents, we finally closed today!

One thing accomplished! It certainly feels surreal!

Conditioned

One thing I don't think non-infertile people understand is how we infertiles are conditioned by our infertility.

Our experiences really do shape how we respond to and react to most anything else in the world.

Take for example, Harry's and my search for a home.

We began the process hopeful and excited. We brought our digital camera to all the houses we viewed. We took detailed pictures and extensive notes.

We found a house we loved! Put in a contract and guess what! BFN!

A little disappointed but we moved on...searching....

Found another house we liked... made an offer... someone beat us to it! BFN!

Soon the house searching became tedious and more of a chore than an adventure.

House #3 - BFN
House # 4 - short sale - waited 5 agonizing weeks for-- yep-- a BFN!!
House # 5 - BFN- comeback with more $$
House #6 - BFN
House # 7 - BFN

All our offers were rejected or countered with a much too high price tag for us. Some houses had already received a ratified contract the day we were making our offer. Each phone call from our realtor seemed very much like the phone call from the RE,

"Not this time, it just didn't work."

I knew it was bad when Harry said, "This feels like IVF/IUI all over again. It's like we're being told NO! again."

It seemed like a simple search for a home. With a market in the dumps surely we'd find a house we could call home. We never thought we'd have a single family home in Northern VA but dare we, dare we hope?

And you know what happens when you hope. She turns around and smacks you in the face.

"Ha, ha, take that you silly fools!"

Agonizing, heart breaking, depressing.

So conditioned to failure, so accustomed to heart break.

We understand the word "NO" all too well.

Until Wednesday. On Wednesday we got the phone call. We made an offer on Monday and on Wednesday offer #8 was accepted!!

We should be happy! We should be joyous! We finally made it!

Or have we? Conditioned.

We are terrified we'll loose our house. Silly? perhaps. But we're conditioned to loosing. Conditioned to failing. Conditioned to having the rug ripped out from underneath us.

I won't exhale until I have a RLH (real live house). Our due date (closing) is May 14. The day after Harry's birthday and 4 days before our EDD from our September loss.

Will May suck? It's still a waiting game.

Waiting

Here I am.

Waiting. Again.

It seems my perpetual punishment. To always be waiting. To see what I desire and to have it just out of arms reach.

Waiting.

Harry and I put and offer in on a house 4 weeks ago. And we're still waiting. It's a short sale- so that means a bank must approve out offer and work with the seller to cover the difference in what is owed and what is offered.

So, we're waiting. Stuck in this eternal limbo.

Sometimes it seems all we do is wait.

Wait for a house.
Wait for a baby.
Wait for immigration (that's a whole other story)
Wait for work stuff to sort is self out (that was 3 months of hell)
Wait for a new job

Wait

Wait

Wait

I am so sick and tired of waiting. I seem to be the only one waiting. Everything seems to come so easily for others.

I know I am not alone. So help me feel better and tell me, what are you waiting for?

A Special Gift

** Warning: post mentions birth, babies, and mommies.**

My friend Bella gave me two of the greatest gifts this past Friday.

First, she allowed me to be present at the birth of her daughter. This has been such an amazing and eye opening gift. I will always treasure this gift and thank her from the bottom of my heart for allowing me to share in the special day!

Bella was induced on Friday and I was able to watch her journey through labor to the birth of her daughter. For those of you who have already taken this journey: WOW! For those of you who have yet to experience this life changing event: IT'S AMAZING.

Bella was so strong and brave. I admire her and am so proud of her!

My god-daughter was born into this world with a full head of hair and the cutest poutiest lips I've ever seen! She's a tiny little peanut and so alert. Of course she's beautiful! An angel come to earth!

Bella is having difficulty breastfeeding. Her milk hasn't come in yet and her colostrum is gone! Any words of wisdom would be appreciated --I'll pass it all on to her.

I want to be with her every day! I can't wait to watch her grow into a strong, happy little girl.

The second gift Bella gave me was to ask me to be her daughter's Godmother. I am so honored to be chosen for this very special title. The Spanish have a wonderful word for Godmother. It is comadres. Co -mothers. I am awed and honored beyond words. During the birth Bella's mother kept calling us comadres. Hearing that just fills me with so much love and joy. It is such a special gift.

I am so blessed to have so many babies in my life. I have my nephew, little button; my Goddaughter, peanut; and very soon my new niece.

The pain of infertility is still there. It still stings and I still hear; "See, this is what you can't have". It's not as loud and my love for my babies muffles the shouting pain to a whisper. I still feel it and still know it's pain but I also know the joy and beauty of having children in my life. I will not let infertility steal that joy from me.

I WILL NOT.

Update

You know you think I would have learned not to watch the baby show on that learning channel. Well apparently I am a hard learner. I watched an episode last week and had a minor melt down. I stopped and thought, "Oh. I'll watch this for Bella's sake". Well I of course had an emotional breakdown and rememeberd that I should be pregnant now and that I should be preparing to bring my baby into the world. But I am not.

You know, I've been reflecting on this "Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda" thing. And you know I've decided it I "should" be something I "would". does that make sense?

I am tired of saying; "I should be pregnant", "I should have lost weight", "I should have gone back to school". All this energy and time spent shoulding is not doing me any good.

I've got to give it up and let it go.

If I should be pregant I would be.

On anothoer note...
Still working with my Doctor for my mandatory Physcian assisted weightloss program. That is not going to well. I think I lost maybe 5 lbs. But, hey, I am not really trying.

On the home front -we're buying a house!! The housing market has slumped that we can actually afford a house! We have to move one county south (longer comute) but we can purchase a single family home! We're so excited. We found one we LOVED. But alas someone beat us with a better offer! So we're still looking.

We've been TCC the old fashion way. Ok, you can stop laughing now. It feels good to try. And we're actually not stressed about it. We're having fun (wink, wink) and if it happens, YIPPEE.

My God-daughter is due next month. I am so excited to meet her! I planned her momma's baby shower and actually did ok.

That't it for now. I've been tagged by Bonnie so I'll post tomorrow with my tag response.

When Words Fail...

My deepest sympathy to Mary Ellen and Steve. Please continue to pray for them.