Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Now Calling Number . . .

Yet another friend has announced her pregnancy to me.

One more for them and none for me.

I did very well. I only teared up slightly.

Mostly when she said, "You're next! I know it!"

I've been next so many times, I've given up and jumped out of line.

Luckily it was over the phone so she couldn't see my tears.

It's so hard when you hear the news. You feel so defeated and everything you've been through rushes over you again and you feel it all anew. All the disappointing failures, all the hopelessness, all the loss. It hits you like a tidal wave that would rival anything Godzilla could throw at the Japanese.

You try to engage in small talk, pushing back the urge to sob uncontrollably. Thinking of all the things you know are coming for her but have never experienced.

"Oh, you're 10 weeks, well then your baby is ....."

It hurts


And it takes all you have not to break down and scream It takes everything not to shut down and crawl under your desk.

You feel so pathetic, so vulnerable, and so petty.

You want to be happy, you really, really do, but your pain is suffocating - it has dominion over all your emotions.

You just take a deep breath, and utter, "Congratulations" hoping your voice doesn't crack somewhere in the middle.

So when and how did you hear your friend, sister, best friend, barren 98 year old widow, or co-worker were expecting? How did you react?


Bea said...

"Defeated" is a good word for it. Even though it's not a competition between couples to see who can procreate, it's like you're all at the baby counter and the babies keep getting handed over your head to the newcomers.

I hope you are next, though.


Delenn said...

I tried very hard to avoid those calls. And then my sister-in-law, 8 years younger than me, not only got pregnant once, but TWICE while we were struggling for our second. Basically, the first one hurt a bit, but I could console myself in that awful way where you say "Well, I got there first" (like its a competition!). But, when I found out she was pregnant the second time--it was during the lowest moment of our IF troubles--I just couldn't deal. Luckily, she's 800 miles away, cuz I don't know how I could have dealt with it otherwise.

Anonymous said...

Oh goodness it's so hard isn't it? I have pretended to be happy and then hurried off to cry alone so many times. I am sorry you have to go through this again. I too hope you are next. XO

gracechild said...

yeah even when i tell myself all the right stuff like its ok and my turn will come soon, i find myself teary at the strangest moments just thinking about their luck & mine

TABI said...

Oh boy do I hate those calls. One in particular made me spiral into such a bad depression. I was still recovering from my IVF ectopic, waiting for 15 weeks to get to zero when a close friend just told me "I have news" which I knew meant she was pregnant with her THIRD child! It was awful and she tried to glaze over it and pretend the 500 pound gorilla was not in the room. I couldn't believe the bad timing. So essentially she's having a healthy baby on the same time clock I would have if mine had not been ectopic. Total misery! I confronted her later about it and told her she should have at least acknowledged my situation instead of pretending it didn't exist.

Anonymous said...

Oh man I can't even begin to tell u,it is so hard for me.After 5 years of nothing wrong try naturally,finally i came to know last year the I have bilaterally blocked tubes and the same day I heard my friend is pregnant(some one who wasn't even trying)
and the same week I heard several other good news,i swear my eyes were so puffy i cud hardly see through them.
it felt as if it was physical pain it still does,God what I wont do for a few days of bliss of not thinking abt all this.
Anyways,am starting IVf this month,hope it's lucky for all of us out there becoz i know all of us will b wonderful moms!

Kara said...

Oh gosh, I've been there way too many times in the last 5 years to count. The first and toughest was when my brother and sister in law who had just been dating a few months announced they were pregnant when we first started treatments- we had already been married 4 years and had been trying. I feel horrible for saying that it hurt, it was the worst pain ever. The second is when they announced they were expecting again and I still hadn't, it rocked me to the core. I think I took it worse than than the first time. The amazing thing was when I had my m/c last May, my sister in law was one of the most amazing and supportive people out there. I'm so grateful for my beautiful niece and newphew, I feel guilty when I think about how I felt at that time. I could barely go to the hospital when my niece was born, I certainly could'nt speak I was overcome with emotion and wept for days after her birth.

Whew - this is an emotional week for me, my due date was supposed to be tomorrow and instead we are meeting with an adoption counselor tomorrow.

I hope and pray your baby finds you.

Hang in there, I hear it builds character. What characters we will be- right? Kara

Rachel said...

When I was casually told that a former co-worker was -- oops! -- pregnant, it felt like my stomach fell on to the floor and the world started swirling around me. Then I almost had a panic attack. We were at a restaurant so I had to find a way to hold it together. Fertiles just don't know how we react to that news.

Sunny Jenny said...

Thank you all for your amazing comments. There is some strange sort of comfort drawn from our shared experiences. Dealing with IF can lead one to feeling so totally alone and shut off from the "normal" world. It is so good having you all to share with.

Kara- I've been there! It is so hard when you experience that jealousy and love at the same time.

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

I've had A LOT of these over the course of the past year. Luckily, two of my closest friends who got pregnant right before I did the first time (before I m/c) had been trying for a while, so I couldn't be too upset about that. However, my sister, who announced her pregnancy two days after I lost my twins (when she was 4 weeks and had gotten pregnant on her first try), just devastated me.

I was jealous, bitter, defeated, and annoyed that she cared to little about what I was going through. Unfortunately, I still feel this way towards her and her husband. They are the least sympathetic, most selfish people I've encountered and their decision to be so crude in their announcement has colored my feelings towards them.

I would love to say that those feelings get better. I can say that certain pregnancies bothered me more than others. I'm hoping that you are next and that you can get through this.


formerteacher said...

I learned my SIL was pregnant for the third time after they said they were only having two, on my mom's 50th birthday party. She knew what I'd been through, and I would have appreciated not being told that day. She even talked about a fourth, and how next year there would be another baby in their family picture. All in front of me. As I walked them out, I had to run back to our house and cry. My brother came up to where I was crying and talked to me, but it was too much. I knew he felt bad, but I needed to be alone. The next day I went out to dinner with some fellow infertiles and talked about how infertility SUCKS!

maryjanesays said...

Funny. I just created my blog and posted something very similar as my first topic.

My SIL also had no probs getting pregnant and i still remember the day she told me she was expecting her third- i cried for days...

I have people all around me pregnant/ just given birth and DH doesn't get why one of the hardest things ever is to be around other pregnant people or to hear about other pregnant people....

Patience said...

I have to agree with the "defeated" concept... that is exactly how I feel. THREE announcements this week. I mean, really how is that even possible! Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It's great to know that I am not alone.

Bonnie said...

i so relate to this! every single suitemate of mine from college is pregnant, and 4 out of 6 women in my bible study, and my husband's best friend's wife who he wants me to hang out with.....i'm so emotionally exhausted I just want to sleep....i keep thinking that it will get easier to be geniunely happy for them, but 5 years later, it's not. I think it gets harder!

Anonymous said...

Hello there - I came across your blog randomly, cruising for like-minded IF souls! I've been trying for over 3 years without a sniff of pregnancy action!I've been going to a fertility clinic for the last 8 months and I think I'm scheduled for a laparascopy shortly. I've lost count of all the people who've announced their pregnancies to me, but the latest episode has to be the greatest - my fertility doctor sent me a letter yesterday informing me she was pregnant and would understand if I felt uncomfortable if she continued to be my doctor!!! Once upon a time I would have been absolutely devastated by this irony but I had to laugh really - what else can you do??!! Onward and upward!