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Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Aftermath

First of all thank you, thank you, thank you. You all were the third "person" to be told. After I called Harry and my SIL I ran on the PC to blog. Thank you all for your support, care, and kind words.

It's amazing how much I've changed. How scared and battered my heart has become. I am a different woman than I was 3 short months ago. I am so battered and broken. I don't like who I've become.

I have now joy in my life.

Everything revolves around conceiving. Everything.

I go to work to pay the bills so we can afford IVF.

Sometimes I eat because I have to.

I sleep because sometimes I can dream.

I am a shadow of my former self.

I am seeing a therapist on Monday. I need closure, perspective, and direction.

I am starting to turn into a bitter women who is envious of other women who are successful/pregnant - I hate myself for that -- I have to get that under control.


I am taking a break.

I don't know for how long.

I want my body back, I want my life back, I want me back.

17 comments:

Angie said...

Here's allowing you to get your body back! :-) I'm glad you're talking to someone, that is the best medicine!

Sarah said...

It is probably good to take some time. Take care of yourself!

Sunnie said...

Jenny, we are here if you need us. I hope therapy goes well for you.

*hug*

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

This whole process can take such a toll. I can very much identify with how you are feeling. It is good that you are taking some time to heal and enjoy life again. Please know that you are in my thoughts. Hugs.

sube said...

Taking a break can be a good thing. I hope it helps restore you. I hope it helps you find some peace.

Bea said...

When you want a break from TTC, you know you need it.

I know you can be the person you want to be, given space and time.

Bea

Meg said...

Jenny - I think it's a pretty big deal to know when you need some time off. Hugs to you.

Thalia said...

I'm sorry it's so hard right now. I'm glad you are getting some help. We will be here for you when you need us.

Barely Sane said...

Therapy & a break sound good - hopefully they'll work wonders for you. When you're ready, we're here to cheer you on again.
Hang in there & take care of yourself.

Kath said...

I'm so sorry, Jenny.

Hopeful Mother said...

Jenny, I'm really sorry.

I hope that the therapy gives you the closure and perspective you are looking for. I am proud of you for recognizing "where you are" in this, and getting someone to talk to in person.

We are here for you whenever you want to come back. Take care of yourself!

Alli said...

Thinking of you and hoping you are feeling better soon.

serenity said...

Take all the time you need... many hugs, much love, and hopefuly some healing to you.

hug.

Spanglish said...

Getting your body back is depressing at first, but you're doing the right thing. Shift some goals for the short term. It might help.

I'm here if you need me (because I've become the poster child of getting the body back).

Just another Jenny said...

I hope that with a little help you can find the old Jenny. You know how I feel about therapy so I am really glad that you are going to see somebody. With each loss it gets a little harder to deal with pg's and other people's news. I don't know if you mean a break from IVF or a break from blogging or both but you know we will be here for you either way. Lots of luv to you and Harry!

Heather P. said...

Good Luck on your journey back to you! I had to do the same thing as well.

Sunnie said...

Just checking in on you....