Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Where I am

Thank you once again for all you care and concern. There is no one who knows what if feels like to be tangled and burdened with infertility and IVF than a fellow infertile. Thank you for your care but most importantly for your support in the midst of your own battle with infertility.

There are a few updates and things I'd like to share with you.

The Therapist
I met with my therapist yesterday for the first time. Draining. That pretty much sums it up. She is great and really helped me to talk about what the infertility diagnosis makes me feel. We talked about my childhood and mother issues and a few other items. Mainly I talked about the anger and frustration that come with being IF and feelings of unfairness and guilt. As a Christian I am having a hard time reconciling my situation with God. I am so ANGRY with him. Most of my anger centers around the feeling of denial. If feel as if God is willfully denying my request/plea/yearning/desire/anguish for a child. I absolutely believe it is in his power to make me a mother but feel as if he simply is refusing/denying me a child. The rage and anger I feel is immense and has halted my prayer life. I can see the Lord holding my child in his arms. He has a baby by the arm pits and is holding it out to me. I know it's my child. I go to reach it and no matter how hard I try I can't get there. I reach and reach and reach until I begin to fall away and God and my child slip away. I am so close to grasping my baby but can't quite get there. It's unbearable.

My therapist was able to validate many of my feelings and help me connect with my anger and grief. She also gave me some clarity when she said, "Many times when we face these feeling of denial we open old wounds that we may have thought were healed only to discover that they're really not. " It was an epiphany.

As I was leaving my therapist said, "oh, you may find it helpful to journal," I said, "I do -- I blog". We did talk about my online community and how I've been able to find support and encouragement and she encouraged me to continue with my blogging.

SUCKS! I am so freakin' sick and tired of this stupid syndrome/disorder. It's running my life. Of course I blame it for everything - infertility/IVF failures/weight/facial hair/bad mood/ EVERYTHING. I am so sick and tired of it. I have to get this under control before I attempt another FET. I've been reading some good books on PCOS and how to get it under control. It's been one week and I am doing pretty good. I am exercising regularly (walked 1.5 miles this morning and 3 miles last week) and trying to balance my carbs with protein. I am learning. I want to shed weight quickly. I feel like we are on such a time crunch because of Harry's age (42). Perhaps that's self inflicted and will be moved to topic #1. I've turned my failure and anger to PCOS and my weight.

I really do love my RE and clinic. I sent them a letter thanking them for their kindness and support. I wanted to let them know were we are taking a break and when we are ready to continue that we're planning on using the last 4 embryos for a FET.

Me and Hubby
We're doing good. I am looking forward to a mini vacation with Harry. I just want to spend some time with him and have lots of sex. Not think of babies or conceiving or anything but us. I want to enjoy the summer and grow closer as a couple.

That's about it for now. I hope you're all doing well and coping where every you are in your IF journey.


Amy said...

I think that talking to a therapist helps a lot. It's good to have someone to talk to, to get out all of your emotions, but know that they'll keep you from slipping down into the big, black pit of despair. It sounds like you are making a lot of healthy decisions, and I wish you well. It's very hard to do that sometimes. I will be thinking of you.

Thalia said...

I'm glad you had such a good session with your therapist. What a relief to be able to let this rage out in a safe place - and in real life as well as in the blog world.

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I am glad that your therapist was helpful. I have been tossing around the idea of seeing one, but I am not quite there yet.

It sounds like you are making some good decisions despite the pain that you are going through. I wish you all the best as you take time off and prepare yourselves for another cycle. Hugs.

formerteacher said...

I started seeing a therapist when we received our IF diagnosis. (Or lack of one; Three REs have all stated they don't know what's wrong!) I had intense anger. I refused ot go to church for over a year because I was sure God hated me. I mean why else would he not give us a baby! I am a teacher and would deal with neglected kids, and get so angry because how ocme they got a baby and I didn't get one. It's so unfair! I still have anger about this. I am sure the IF led to my depression. My therapist wanted me to go on meds., but you can't take them when you're pregnant, so I didn't even consider them.

I also think you're doing some great things. Exercise will not only help you lose weight, but will make you mentally feel better. And your idea about taking a break with your husband and having lots of non-baby related sex is fantastic! I wish I had done that; it would have helped. Good luck to you!!!

Sarah said...

Sounds like the visit with the therapist was really helpful and that you are on the road to getting to a better place. Take care.

serenity said...

Jenny - I have been thinking about how you're doing at the most random times... I am glad to hear from you.

I am SO glad you are talking with a therapist. I haven't been seeing one for IF, but when I did see one about 5 years ago it was tremendously helpful.

And I can relate 1000% to your anger at God. I feel the same way -though I suppose my coping mechanism is to think that I don't want to believe in something that would deny me the one thing in this world I want more than anything.

I am glad to see you back. Vent, cry, anguish - whatever you need. We're here for you.

Hugs and love to you right now.

Shazz said...

Good for you, they are so good to chat too....they dont judge you!!

Barely Sane said...

Sounds like your therapist is helping. Keep up the good work!

Big Cyber Hugs!! And glad to hear you're sticking around in blogland.

Bea said...

Sunny Jen:

You sound better already. And well done for doing lunch - it's quite brave of you really.

I wanted to say something about faith because you mentioned yours is being shaken. So, my thoughts: faith is blind, and asks for no justifications. This is why it's so difficult to have faith - because it doesn't make the slightest bit of sense. And bad situations only lead you to question it and find there are no answers. You either choose to keep it anyway, or you choose to give it up. These are just my thoughts, I don't know if they help or not.

It sounds like you are finding ways to turn your energy to constructive ends - which takes a great strength of character. I think if anyone can make it through, you can.


Just another Jenny said...

It sounds like you are doing pretty good - some therapy, new exercise plan and some upcoming crazy sex! I hope that your research and hard work pays off in helping with the PCOS.

Dawn said...

Wow, I feel the same way towards God right now.