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Wednesday, June 21, 2006

She has My Life

I got one of those e-mails today. You know the one from a distant "friend". The one that you met at work, church, a social group, or school. You see her maybe twice a year for "lunch" or at another social event. She e-mails you family updates and pictures of her kids. They even have a family website. Yeah I got an e-mail from her. Now, Jessie, is a really, really wonderful women and has no clue about our IF and recent disappointments. So, I don't feel anger towards Jessie for sending me the family update, I am just completely consumed by jealously. She has my life.

She has a house. I live in a crappy over priced apartment. The housing market here is beyond ridiculous. We will never qualify for a mortgage that would actually buy us anything reasonable. I am stuck in a two bedroom shitty apartment that I am throwing money at every month that will get me absolutely no where. When my insurance benefits run out and I have to take a second mortgage out on a house to pay for IVF I won't even have a house to mortgage.

She's cute. God she is so cute and perky. She isn't afraid to be in pictures and always has the cutest clothes. She's not thin but she's curvy. And I hate her. Hate is a strong word. I am just completely envious. Her hair is so pretty and wavy and her skin well her skin is translucent.

And the number 1 reason I am jealous is she has 3 kids. A four year old daughter and 8 month old twins (all conceive the old fashioned way -- actually the twins were a surprise). And she named the twin girl my girl name.

Yes she has my life and I am so mad I am in tears.

Why the fuck am I an infertile stuck in an apartment with $11.00 in my checking account?

So, my reply to the e-mail....

Let's do lunch.

17 comments:

B.K. said...

I have felt this way many times-- even about friends I am close to. I used to feel really guilty about it, but I decided jealousy is natural and we deal with so much frickin pain anyway-- I just decided to feel those feelings as strongly and quickly as I could and try to get through it without hurting anyone's feelings. I am also in an extremely overpriced housing market (so. CA)-- and we will never be able to afford a decent house in a safe neighborhood here. We just keep plunking money on the apartment (and treatment).
I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I have been through 4 IVF's with no BFP-- it's Hell. Thanks for blogging-- it helps me remember that I am not alone. I still haven't built up the courage to start one of my own. I hope both of our dreams come true soon.

Angie said...

I completely understand where you are coming from and what you are saying. I have and always will be there too! We lucked out on the house thing, since we live in Appalachian Ohio. But I get everything else. Our insurance won't cover treatment, I have friends and family who can get pg at the drop of a hat. I really do understand. It sucks!

Meg said...

Ihostly, Jenn. I seriously reckon that no matter what is going on in our lives, we never quite have the life that was in our visions. Who knows what kind of crap Ms. Perfect friend is going though? That said, feelings are feelings, eh? I hear ya.

Barely Sane said...

Ouch.... I hate emails like that. And like you, I have suffered many times from the little green jealousy monster that seems to sit on my shoulder. So many people have told me to 'count my blessings' (which I do). But lets be honest, those are the people that have never wanted something so badly they can taste it but not actually grasp it.

I hope one day you are able to send HER an email that makes her go "Jenny has my life!". Or maybe you already have and you just dont know it???

serenity said...

I have felt this way a thousand times - you are not alone.

"The burden we bear
Is to have to compare
The life that we live to the hope
Waiting there inside."

This is a quote from a song by my favorite folk singer David Wilcox. It is so true.

I applaud you for being able to go out to lunch with her. I would not be able to do so right now.

Hugs and love to you.

serenity said...

The feeling is real and deep and I have felt it for what feels like a thousand times. You are not alone.

"The burden we bear
Is to have to compare
The life that we live to the hope
Waiting there inside" (from a song by my favorite folk singer.

I give you a LOT of credit for being up to having lunch with her. I would not be able to do so.

Hugs and love to you.

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I know exactly how you feel. This is so damn hard. I often wonder what I have done to deserve the hand that we've been dealt. It is so hard to see people with their beautiful homes and children when those goals seem so out of reach for us. Please know that you are not alone. Hugs.

Just another Jenny said...

It's hard to deal with those friends, they remind you of what you don't have (yet). I can't wait for the day that we are all exchanging our totally cheese crappy family websites! Hopefully it will be our day sometime soon.

Spanglish said...

Let's do lunch... you make me giggle only because I totally understand.

Sarah said...

It just isn't fair is it? There is no way to avoid those feelings of jealousy once in a while. All my friends own houses now (I also live in an insane housing market) and everyone has kids or is pg and for the past 6 months I have had so many jealous thoughts that it makes me feel like a bad friend. I try to remember that everyone has highs and lows in their lives and you never know what is behind closed doors. No one's life is perfect despite how it may seem on the outside. You deserve just as much happiness. Sending a huge hug!

Sunnie said...

Sweetie, I know it may not seem like it right now...but you are so much more than you see yourself. Hearing about your friend was very painful ( I can relate) but infertility is not who we are....

Never forget that.

If I had a million dollars, I'd pop it in the mail. :)

GLouise said...

Yes- I can totally relate!

It's gotten to the point where all of the email "updates" I receive from friends, relate to pregnancy.

Just got an email like that the other day from a friend with a 1 yr old son. "We're expecting another baby, in November... and it's a girl!"

Sigh.

StellaNova said...

And it's all so effortless - their lives. No problems, no worries. Things just fall into place. And the problem usually is that they are also so damn nice that you can't truly hate them even if you want to. Good luck with the lunch.

serenity said...

My dear Jenny, you have hereby been tagged and must kindly respond within 72 hours... or you shall be turned into a newt!

"A newt?"

"I got better..."

*hugs*

See my blog for details. :)

ChicagoGirl said...

I can completely relate and am amazed you had the grace to consent to going to lunch with her. I normally take the less dignified approach of putting off a face-to-face meeting for as long as possible. I'm with Sunnie -- If I had an extra million dollars laying around, I'd send it to you.

Alli said...

I've been there.

soralis said...

I think a lot of 'us' get what you are feeling. I am so sorry, you are stronger than I, I don't think I could handle lunch and have to listen to her talk about her family.

I am just catching up after my vacation I am so very sorry about your last cycle. Big hug

Take care