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Monday, July 09, 2007

Left Behind

Preface:

If you are a friend or family member and you know I am talking about you please don't be offended. I love you and don't want you to feel guilty or bad at all! I need this blog and I need to get these words out.... words I could never utter with my lips...only here in this refuge.

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Today I received the greatest news!

A dear friend of mine is pregnant. She has been trying for a while, undergone some ART, and found out that she is pregnant!

I am overwhelmed with joy for her and her husband.

She feels a little guilty - you know survivor's guilt.

We've always joked about being pregnant together. She planned another ART cycle this month and we hoped that my upcoming IVF/ISCI in August would result in a conception and we would be pregnant together.

I am so happy for her but even more aware of my own pain and emptiness. She was the one person who knew what it's like to be on this side. And now she's gone.

My fear and trepidation about the upcoming cycle is even greater now. I really feel so overwhelmed with the thought of failure that it paralyzes me.

I know if I don't try it will never happen. Because you see it happens for everyone else except me.

15 comments:

not a lucky one said...

It doesnt happen to everyone -it didnt happen for me. At 41 1/2 and 2 years of failed fertility treatments (iui's and ivf) we had to give up. We never once fertilized in 8 inseminations and the only ivf i made enough follies for never got me pregnant even though the 3 embryos were top grade. You are not alone !

Bea said...

There's no reason on this, God's green earth, why it couldn't happen to you.

I hope it does. Next.

Bea

Reproductive Jeans said...

You deserve it as much as anyone...best of luck!

Jenna said...

We've all been in that place where we are truly hapy for someone but terribly sad for ourselves. If it's not a race why does someone else crossing the finish line makes us feel all the more behind?

You could be next. I truly how you are!

It's my first time on your blog... I'll be back to check on you!

Amy R said...

Gosh I think we can all relate to that one :( I'm sorry you're feeling left behind, I really do hope your August cycle gives you that happy BFP.

Becks said...

A similar thing happened to me when I started IVF #1. But my friend lost her baby and now we feel back on the same side again.It is so tough, but you are definitely not alone, I'm here for you if you need me.

Princess Peach said...

I'm sorry you're feeling left behind. Remember, that your friend is not gone and I'm sure she will continue to support you in your journey. Best of luck.

the_yecart said...

Like everyone else here said, you are certainly not alone! There are lots of us here with you. (Even though we wish we were your friend with the good news...)

The only thing that keeps us going through these cycles, is the hope that it's our turn next.

Please keep your hopes up. You have lots of cyber hugs and luv sent out to you today!

Jackie said...

I'm so sorry. I just found your blog and I could have written this post myself. It really does increase the fear and trepidation so much to hear of others' news, no matter how thrilled for them we may be. I understand that feeling of being paralyzed with fear so very well. Hang in there. Your turn is coming.

gracechild said...

all feelings are allowed Jenny but please always find your way back to hope & faith. that's the only thing that keeps us all going.

Leah said...

I promise you that it doesn't happen to everyone -- if we were all in a room together and you asked us "Has it happened for you? Do you have bouncing, beautiful, ART-inspired babies at home?" you would be overwhelmed with the number of resounding NOs that you'd hear.

I know that there are successes too, and I am genuinely happy for them. But I feel left behind ALL THE TIME. Sometimes I'm bitter about it, sometimes I'm sad, sometimes it makes me want to keep trying because DAMN IT, it WILL be my turn someday. Truthfully, though, mostly I'm bitter and sad.

You can still be happy for your friend and simultaneously sad for yourself. One doesn't cancel the other out.

formerteacher said...

Every time an infertile friend would get pregnant I felt left behind and alone. So I can relate to what you're saying. That said, if you get pregnant this cycle you and your friend will only be a few months behind each other. I have great hope for you. I'm crossing everything for you!

Rachel said...

It doesn't happen for everyone. Sometimes it happens, but just not in the way we all expected. But I totally understand the lack of hope. I have a lack of hope as well.

Anonymous said...

I understand you completely! After 2 IUIs, I'm on IVF #1. I've had 4 friends/relatives either conceive or gave birth to a baby. I feel left behind too. My husband has 2 kids from a prior marriage. I really feel alone. Let's not give up! I'm happy for my friends. I noticed I don't talk to them as much. I know they mean well and have hope for me too. You are not alone! I share your pain and frustration. Good luck and keep going! I have asked God for a healthy baby and if it's not going to be healthy, I've asked Him to abort it or don't let it happen. I now have a peaceful mind. God bless!

GLouise said...

There's no reason why you can't make it too sweetie. It is so hard though.
You aren't alone though, and you have so many who are praying for you.