Mi Amiga en Infertilidad

The ironies of life are truly amazing.

I am not sure my relationship with Bella is ironic and I may be using the word incorrectly but the relationship is definitely divinely influenced.

I met Bella about 4 years ago. She is a beautiful woman and has become a very close friend. Bella is a funny girl. We laugh, cry, commiserate, and eat together! She's a good friend and we've shared many struggles! I was honored to have her wear my wedding veil in her ceremony and feel very close and blessed to have Bella in my live.

Of course her real name isn't Bella but I picked it to try and convey the internal and external beauty that encompasses her. She'd be the last one on earth to call herself beautiful. Like many women she struggles with a negative body image. Somehow she still manages to ooze love and joy out of her pores everytime I see her. She's the kind of woman that lights up a room, the kind that people are drawn to, and the type of friend you want to call when you feel down in the dumps. She's also very silly -- and sometimes you just have to shake your head!

She's overcome a lot. She's from a South American country and often forgets that English is her third language!

Bella and I share a heritage and a faith whichs makes us especially close. Although she doesn't put hard boiled eggs in her lasagna -- I still love her!

So, Bella has been with me from the beginning of my infertility journey. She's been one of those safe friends you can tell anything to. She doesn't say stupid things like: relax or just adopt. She listens and wants to know more but mostly she just says, "Yeah man that sucks."

I've taught her everything about IVF-- even drawing her pictures. -- She's soaked it all in learning and discovering because it affects me and she wants to know about my life.

We have so many things in common. We share a heritage, similar sense of humor, our husbands are English, love of make-up, both drama mammas (although she's much more dramatic), and now we share infertility.

Bella and Mr. Bella have begun discovering that they may be infertile.

Around January Bella started making plans for a baby. She went off of oral contraceptives and started to ask all sorts of questions of me - -her expert in fertility. I was happy to talk with her and I know deep in her heart she has always wanted me to be pregnant first.

At first Bella moaned about wanting to conceive a girl. "How can I .... " Was all she asked! She talked about different positions and Chinese birthing calendars all in the quest for a baby girl. I just looked on fondly with the scars of infertility and scratched my head.

"Bella, give it a few month and you won't care -- boy or girl-- you'll want a baby."

Months of trying and no baby brought Bella to the conclusion....

"Any baby -- just get me pregnant!"

Tests concluded Mr. and Mrs. Bella need IUI to make a baby.

I've seen her go through the tcc struggle and know Mr. Bella is struggling with the idea of needing ART to make a baby. It's sad to see this happening outside of yourself.

I've been able to tell Bella all that I can, unfortunately she's seen my struggle and can only see heart ache.

It's so difficult to see Bella go from fertility selective to fertility challenged. The change of this vivacious hope filled women to one of despair, hurt, and anger.

I remember speaking to her about my anger towards God. She couldn't understand...

Yesterday she told me she understands...

I joked with her yesterday about her wearing my veil-- "Hey maybe I cursed you."

Two of us. Drawn together. Is it a gift or a curse?

Which one of us is gifted and which of us is cursed?

I am not sure.

My Own Therapy

Harry and I just got back from a lovely three day weekend with Little Button. He's now 8 months old and the cutest thing in the world.

For some people struggling with IF seeing babies is a heartbreaker. For the most part it does tear me up too. Harry made the comment the other day, "I see pregnant women everywhere." It's affecting him too.

But, when I am with Little Button I feel whole. He makes everything better and I love to hold him and cherish every minute with this little bundle of snot buggers (he's getting over a cold). The hard part is that I only get to see him a few days every other month. But the time we do have is precious.

Period came and went. Don't know what we're going to do next. Just waiting until we feel ready. Some days I am ready to get started on a new cycle but most days I am scared stiff with the whole idea of failing again.

So we're just taking it one period at a time.