Tuesday, April 03, 2007

The Comback

People say the crappiest things. I know that not everyone has evil intentions with their comments, but sometimes people really just need to keep their comments to themselves. Deep down I know people mean well. But you see most of us don’t live deep down. We live up here where words do hit harder than fists and one well meaning comment can send one of us into a spiral of emotional turmoil.

I believe preparation is the key. I am disgusted with my generic, lackadaisical response to these idiotic comments. The time has come to tell people the truth, to stop caring more for their self esteem and more for my emotional well being.

The following is what I like to refer to as my Stupid IF Comments 1st Aid Kit. I am developing my come backs for all those idiotic comments that people are bound to thoughtless toss at me more than likely trying to make themselves feel better than in an honest attempt to bring me some comfort.

The Well There’s Always Adoption Comment:
Actually, no. (pregnant pause {pun intended}) Adoption isn’t a cure for infertility. Children are not items that can replace one another. Adopting a child will not erase all the emotional and physical pain of infertility. We will always be infertile. While adoption is a very wonderful path to parenthood it is NOT a cure for the inability to conceive a child with your spouse. And right now it’s not an option for us.

The Just Relax Comment:
Relax? That’s it? You mean if my husband relaxes his abysmal sperm will mover faster, in a straight line, and copiously reproduce! Geez Lousie, I am calling my doctor right away! I wonder if relaxation works for cancer patients too.

The I Knew Someone Who Comment:
Really (in an incredulous tone), I actually Goggled that one and it’s an Urban Legend.

As you can see it's a starter kit. Composed of the bare IF survival essentials. The Kit will grow as I encounter more and more people. Please feel free to use my 1st Aid Kit as needed. I appreciate any suggestions you may have or perhaps you have your own Kit and would like to compare its contents.

Remember a Baby Scout is always prepared.


Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I love it Jenny! I think that someone could write a book about all of the stupid crap that people say to infertiles and how to deal with them. It's rediculous. How about a comeback for "at least you have your health. It could be worse. One of you could have cancer." I have heard that one at least on 3 different occasions. I just smile and nod.

Delenn said...

How about, "Are you sure its worth all this?"

As if we did not think and ponder this descision, and just threw up our hands and said--"Hey, you know what I want to do for the next 3 months!"

Or, "At least you have one [child]."

So, we should just be happy and "move on"? We've been there and done that?!

Just another Jenny said...

I love how you say that most of us don't live deep down, that is so true and so right.

formerteacher said...

A fellow infertile once told me that when people ask the stupid questions like, "So, when are you two going to have children?", she always said,"Why do you ask?" No one ever could come up with an answer. Worked every time!

Another favorite is when people tell you how expensive children are, as if we don't already know that!,you reply, "Why, how much did yours cost?!" If people only knew the thousands of dollars, missed vacations, and the REAL reason we still live in our 'starter house'!

Beagle said...

The biggest big of assvice I'm getting now that I have chosen to "just" adopt is: "You know, as soon as you adopt you'll get pregnant."

First off, what a horrible reason to adopt (in hopes of getting pg?) I am adopting to love and raise the adopted child, not get pg with my "own."

Secondly, for every one who does get pg after adoption about 500 couples don't.

Great idea . . . a first aid kit for assvice. Love it.

And this line I think really hits on the point of why the well meaning are not: "people are . . . more than likely trying to make themselves feel better than in an honest attempt to bring me some comfort."

Great post!

Jo said...

Oh Lordy...
I have heard the the "At least you have one child" comment more then enough times... Like there is a limit for infertiles.. Pisses me right off. Assh@ts

We used to get asked when as well. I used to respond with, "as soon as we start having sex!"

Great post!!!!

Becks said...

Thanks for your comment on my blog! How about this one....
"If it doesn't work at least you have each other"....yeah thats right, its EXACTLY the same kind of desire. In fact why don't I just dress my other half in baby clothes and save myself a lot of heartache and money?
Great post!

ultimatejourney said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog.

I really enjoyed this post. I must admit, it reinforced my decision to keep our IF a secret to all but our closest family and friends. At the same time, it's disappointing that people can't deal with others' pain in a sensitive way. I wish there were a stronger infertility awareness campaign, the way there's a well-publicized breast cancer awareness campaign. It's sad that we have to suffer in silence while others have no clue what we deal with.

Jen said...

grrr... I am so with you on this!!! The one that really gets me, like delenn said, is the "Are you sure its worth all this?"

"Umm... no, I'm just putting myself and my husband through utter torture because our lives are a little boring and we felt like spicing them up with a little IF treatment or two."

Now when it comes up I just cut them off before they've said ANYTHING and say, "Whatever you're thinking to say, just stop. You don't have to say a word." Because usually they are just trying to come up with something that sounds helpful. And it's usually not, as we all know!

oh, and thanks for stopping by my blog too!

Megan said...

Fantastic post! My IF friend and I were discussing this just 2 weeks ago.

The absolute worst thing anyone has EVER said to me was "There must have been something wrong with it, it just wasn't meant to be" This comment came from my ...drumroll, MOTHER. She is the kindest, most mild-mannered person I know. She has impecable manners, but she sometimes has the tackt of a billygoat. She means well, but I still want to scream!

I'm so glad I found you BTW

Brandy said...

This goes hand in hand with "What Not to Say to Someone Who's had a Miscarriage". People who have never been there and done that just have a much harder time understanding. Too bad you can't bonk them on the head like the new V-8 commercials to show them how dense they're being.