Revisiting Adoption vs. IVF

May years ago I wrote a post on the topic of adoption and infertility treatments. Now I sit hear years later and am going through the adoption process as well as pregnant from a successful IVF.

At the time I remember well meaning friends suggesting that I should "just adopt" because I was dealing with infertility.

Looking back I think the real pain comes not from the suggestion of the adoption but from the thought that the pain of my infertility could be relieved or cured simply by adopting.

My point of contention is when people find out you're having difficulty conceiving and assume "well just adopt". As if adoption is a cure for infertility - "oh your body isn't working correctly - you want a baby? - well just adopt! " I feel the same way when after a miscarriage well meaning people say, "We'll you can just have another one! You'll get pregnant again!" - NEITHER of these "reasons" erase the pain and hurt that come from infertility and miscarriage.

Adoption is a beautiful path to parenthood . Adoption is not an easy fix and not a cure for the pain and hurt that comes with infertility. Adoption it's self is often met with it's own share of heartbreak and hurdles. Some people wait years to even receive a placement and some couples never receive a permanent placement. Adoption in it's self is a journey that requires preparation and prayer.

I guess what I am getting at is that adoption and ART are two different paths - but equally as difficult and equally as valid a choice. But it is a choice for a couple to make.

I love both my children equally and would never change my journey for one second. All the bumps and bruises have made me the mom I am today. My struggles and pain are mine - and they help to make me the person I am today.

With Every Beat of My Heart

We saw a heart beat!

I moved my scan up because I had some more spotting last Thursday. There was no way I could wait a whole week!

I've also been released from me RE. It was very bitter sweet! I've been with these folks for 5 years and to finally be leaving is really sad. They're really a wonderful practice. I am so thankful they were a part of this journey!

My OBGYN appointment is next Friday. It's a new doctor so this should be interesting. Hopefully we'll be good together.

I am feeling a little more confident about this pregnancy now. I am trying to enjoy every minute and not worry about somethign going wrong until it actually does.

Thanks for all the well wishes! I love reading your comments!

A Scare and Some Good News

IVF
Friday I was spotting....

Of course this sent me into a minor freak out.

I called my BFF at 6:30 am who rushed over and took my to me RE.

RE did a scan which showed a beautiful yolk sac in just the right place at just the right size. BETA came back at 4995.

So, spotting is pretty typical and in my case nothing to worry about. I haven't really had any since Friday so I am relieved.

Everyday is just another step closer to a real live baby. These are going to be the longest 9 months of my life!

ADOPTION
Yesterday I went to see a different doctor. My husband, daughter, and I were in the exam room talking about my baby and my pregnancy and then the doctor said (in regards to my adoptive daughter) "even though she's not yours." - No worries - that doctor is still alive. I quickly corrected her and could see she was slightly embarassed. My daughter is 100% mine. We share no DNA and I didn't carry her in my womb - but none the less she is 100% mine. She is the answer to years of tears and prayers and is a complete gift and blessing to me. She is mine and will be mine forever.

On another note ....we receive the adoption petitions yesterday!! We're signing them today and then sending them off to the court! Hopefully we'll have a court date sometime this summer to finalize the adoption for our beautiful baby girl!

My follow up scan is set for July 7.

3rd BETA

So far so good.

I think my biggest problem is over thinking this whole thing. I am dealing with a bit of "survivors guilt" I really need to stop Googling BETA numbers. I feel so horrible for all the women who have recently experienced loss in the online community. To top it off a good friend of mine (who conceived without any reproductive assistance) just miscarried at 8 weeks. Our babies would have been weeks apart. What makes me any different? All the stories of babies lost are running through my mind and now I remember why I took a break from IVF for so long!

I did go for blood work again this morning. My numbers are 903 hCG. My doctor is very pleased and doesn't want to see me until July 7 for a scan. So I guess this is good.

Hesitantly Happy

Well, I am still pregnant!

However, I am so freaked out that something will go wrong. I know so many women who've been where I am and don't end with a healthy baby.

I went in for more blood work this morning. BETA level was 133. Doctor said it was good. Is it good? I would have loved a 200 or something.

Why can't I be over the moon happy? Why I am constantly checking to see if there is blood?

Ugh, infertility really messes with you!

I go back Monday for blood work again.

Hoping I can stay sane until then!

Unbelievable

It's happened.

That day I never thought would come!

I am PREGNANT!!!

My RE confirmed my results yesterday!

At 11DP3DT My BETA was 53 mIU/hCG

I go Thursday for more blood work!

I can't even begin to describe the feeling of complete bliss! This is amazing!

Of course as anyone who's struggled with infertility knows, the journey is just beginning.

I've passed the first hurdle! Now I just need to stay pregnant! I'll post again about specifics!

4 dp3dt

Well here we are again.... Waiting....

We transferred 3 embryos on Thursday (June 2)

1 - 8 cell grade 2
1 - 8 cell grade 3
1 - 7 cell grade 4

Transfer was great. I really love our RE. She is amazing and has been with us these past 5 years.

I am trying my hardest to stay calm and not read into symptoms or lack there of.....

Waiting with a 6 month old is definitely different than waiting all alone.

I am doing much better this time than previous times - although I do swing back and forth from I think I am pregnant - to it didn't work....

So, I'll just be here...waiting...

Don't Put All My Eggs in One Dish!

This IVF is so completely different from my first one over 5 years ago. WOW!

Egg retrieval was Monday. We were only able to retrieve 5 eggs. We had already decided we didn't want to freeze any embryos so I am not too worried about the 5 eggs. 3 of the 5 were mature and fertilized.

Transfer is set for Thursday morning.

I am doing pretty good. I am excited but not too obsessed about it. Hoping I can survive the 2 week wait without going insane and taking a pregnancy test every day.

I am most concerned about being able to care for my 6 month old during the time between the BETA and whatever else comes down the road.

Anybody Out There?

I am not even sure if I still have readers. I've been so absent from the blogging world that I don't even know who's who anymore!

I originally started this blog as an out let for all the anger, sadness, frustrations, and disappoints that I was experiencing dealing with my infertility. Meeting other women in my shoes and sharing your stories were a life saver and really helped me at that time.

My journey has taken me on one wild ride. From wanting to conceive, to infertility treatments, to despair, to nothing, to foster/adoption, to motherhood, and now back to IVF.

ADOPTION
I am a woman of faith. And one of the hardest things about being infertile was dealing with my anger towards God. I was so absolutely furious that he would not deliver me from this infertility. It was a hard road to walk and many times I nearly walked away from God and faith altogether. I mad God the bad guy in this story. I really didn't want to pursue adoption for a million reason - #1 being I WAS going to get pregnant. It took years for God to change my heart and I give my husband all the credit for his loving patience in dealing with me and my stubbornness. In the spring of 2009 I finally agreed to "investigate" fostering to adoption. In November 2010 we brought our 3 day old daughter home from the hospital. On June 1 we will file the official adoption papers and hope to have things finalized by August.

I am a woman of faith - and I know that all the things I have been through have led me to where I am today. I could not see God's plan for me - I could not see that I would have my precious baby who needed me to be her mommy. God knew all this and even when I raged against him in tears and cries for mercy I know that he too cried with me. I have a great understanding of God's love and purpose in my life - a greater trust in his love and provision. We still marvel at this 6 month old little blessing and I know that even though I didn't carry her in my womb she was born in my heart the day I set foot on my journey to become a mom. She is mine and I am hers.

IVF 2.1
Before we knew we would be placed with a child my husband and I had decided that 2011 would be our last shot at infertility treatments. It seems crazy to have a 6 month old at home and trying to get pregnant - but call us crazy!

So on Sunday I began injections. It's a pretty simple protocol and a lot has changed in the 4 years since my last IVF. Our plan is for a 5 day transfer.

Are you there?
So if you're still out there I'd love to hear from you? Where are you in your journey? Please let me know!

Every Day is a Gift

Life has changed!

We are so blessed. Not much I can say about the whole foster care thing except that we are hoping to adopt her.

She is so precious and we are so absolutely in love with her.

We decided about 18 months ago to begin the adoption route along with IVF. We've gone through the foster care/adoption route via our local county because it is fantastic and we know a few families who've adopted via foster care. I must say we've struck gold.

We still plan on doing IVF again - perhaps in February or March.

For right now we are so blissfully happy. We pray she is ours forever but only time will tell as her case is processed. We take each day as a gift and trust that God is working out the details.

Thankgiving

My world has changed in one week.

About a year ago we began training to become foster parents.

Tuesday night we got a call that we had a placement.

Thursday I brought home a newborn baby girl.

I am amazed.

I am in love.

I am in shock.

I am a mom...

Fertility Update

Well we did get back on the TCC Wagon!

We gave it the good old college try. The perfectly planned intercourse, the obsessive symptom checking, and even blowing money on three unnecessary HPTs!

So the first month was a bust.

And it turns out I have another infertility factor to add to my cup! Ladies and Gentlemen I am an the proud owner of an polyp!

How excited am I!

The only good thing about this polyp is I went back to my RE after a three year absence to be diagnosed. It was so good to see her and the staff again. She's very excited about my weight loss and thinks I am on the right track! She's a fantastic doctor!

One good thing is that during my ever so pleasant vaginal ultra sound my doctor took a peak at my ovaries. In her words, "Your ovaries look good! They don't even look polycyscitc!"

So I am scheduled for a DNC to remove the polyp and once I've recovered from that it may be time to start the ball rolling with the infertility treatments again. I know we'll have to do a full work up to check all my levels. But I am hoping the weight loss has improved my odds!

So ladies... I AM BACK!!!

Do I Get Back On?

I am off of metformin! Been off for 90 days and have had 3 cycles! This last one was a non medicated 32 day cycle!!

As a PCOS girl this is pretty amazing! DH and I are pretty excited and starting to talk about getting pregnant again.

But for the past month all I've been dong is thinking about babies. I keep dreaming that I am pregnant. Obviously, my subconscious is trying to work this whole thing out.

I know I am not going back to the RE until January. So if anything will try the old fashioned way. -- And we know how well that's worked for us in the past! \

I really torn on weather or not I am ready to jump back into the craziness of ttc. I've been pretty content having worked through some of my infertility baggage and know how crazy and heart breaking that infertility roller coaster can be.

UGH!

New Blog

Well the new blog is up and running! It's completely open and shows (or will show) pictures of the new me.

My infertility blog was meant to be done anonymously where as this new blog is totally open to and honest.

If you'd like the link to the new blog please e-mail me (should be in my profile).

Thanks! I am sure I'll be back here one day!

Big Changes Coming

Well I am making a big change soon! A new blog and a new direction....

Some of you may know what's coming. It's taken me a while to get here but my whole world will change on March 10.

Check back for a link to the new blog.

On Hiatus

Well I am not sure if anyone is still reading this blog.



I could make a list of why I haven't posted but honestly I've had to distance myself from infertility to live.



Those of us suffering with infertility know the all consuming hold it has on every aspect of my life. For me this was especially true. Focusing on my infertility really caused me to loose joy in my life. So much of my time was spent living in the past and "what ifs"



I really let go of living there...in infertile land...



That's not too say I don't live with the pain everyday. May is especially hard for me. Seeing babies/children that are the age of a child I didn't have still hurts.



My youngest brother's wife is pregnant. I was able to take the news and utter a faked "Congratulations!" for him. I kept myself together on the phone and cried when I called my husband. The pain is still there and will be there forever. Learning to live beyond it is the challenge we all face.



I've been able to move on. I haven't given up my journey. I am only postponing it.



Hope you're all well and learning to move through the pain...

A Real Live House

We finally made it!

As home owners!!

After a rough week of delayed closing and getting all the needed documents, we finally closed today!

One thing accomplished! It certainly feels surreal!

Conditioned

One thing I don't think non-infertile people understand is how we infertiles are conditioned by our infertility.

Our experiences really do shape how we respond to and react to most anything else in the world.

Take for example, Harry's and my search for a home.

We began the process hopeful and excited. We brought our digital camera to all the houses we viewed. We took detailed pictures and extensive notes.

We found a house we loved! Put in a contract and guess what! BFN!

A little disappointed but we moved on...searching....

Found another house we liked... made an offer... someone beat us to it! BFN!

Soon the house searching became tedious and more of a chore than an adventure.

House #3 - BFN
House # 4 - short sale - waited 5 agonizing weeks for-- yep-- a BFN!!
House # 5 - BFN- comeback with more $$
House #6 - BFN
House # 7 - BFN

All our offers were rejected or countered with a much too high price tag for us. Some houses had already received a ratified contract the day we were making our offer. Each phone call from our realtor seemed very much like the phone call from the RE,

"Not this time, it just didn't work."

I knew it was bad when Harry said, "This feels like IVF/IUI all over again. It's like we're being told NO! again."

It seemed like a simple search for a home. With a market in the dumps surely we'd find a house we could call home. We never thought we'd have a single family home in Northern VA but dare we, dare we hope?

And you know what happens when you hope. She turns around and smacks you in the face.

"Ha, ha, take that you silly fools!"

Agonizing, heart breaking, depressing.

So conditioned to failure, so accustomed to heart break.

We understand the word "NO" all too well.

Until Wednesday. On Wednesday we got the phone call. We made an offer on Monday and on Wednesday offer #8 was accepted!!

We should be happy! We should be joyous! We finally made it!

Or have we? Conditioned.

We are terrified we'll loose our house. Silly? perhaps. But we're conditioned to loosing. Conditioned to failing. Conditioned to having the rug ripped out from underneath us.

I won't exhale until I have a RLH (real live house). Our due date (closing) is May 14. The day after Harry's birthday and 4 days before our EDD from our September loss.

Will May suck? It's still a waiting game.

Waiting

Here I am.

Waiting. Again.

It seems my perpetual punishment. To always be waiting. To see what I desire and to have it just out of arms reach.

Waiting.

Harry and I put and offer in on a house 4 weeks ago. And we're still waiting. It's a short sale- so that means a bank must approve out offer and work with the seller to cover the difference in what is owed and what is offered.

So, we're waiting. Stuck in this eternal limbo.

Sometimes it seems all we do is wait.

Wait for a house.
Wait for a baby.
Wait for immigration (that's a whole other story)
Wait for work stuff to sort is self out (that was 3 months of hell)
Wait for a new job

Wait

Wait

Wait

I am so sick and tired of waiting. I seem to be the only one waiting. Everything seems to come so easily for others.

I know I am not alone. So help me feel better and tell me, what are you waiting for?

A Special Gift

** Warning: post mentions birth, babies, and mommies.**

My friend Bella gave me two of the greatest gifts this past Friday.

First, she allowed me to be present at the birth of her daughter. This has been such an amazing and eye opening gift. I will always treasure this gift and thank her from the bottom of my heart for allowing me to share in the special day!

Bella was induced on Friday and I was able to watch her journey through labor to the birth of her daughter. For those of you who have already taken this journey: WOW! For those of you who have yet to experience this life changing event: IT'S AMAZING.

Bella was so strong and brave. I admire her and am so proud of her!

My god-daughter was born into this world with a full head of hair and the cutest poutiest lips I've ever seen! She's a tiny little peanut and so alert. Of course she's beautiful! An angel come to earth!

Bella is having difficulty breastfeeding. Her milk hasn't come in yet and her colostrum is gone! Any words of wisdom would be appreciated --I'll pass it all on to her.

I want to be with her every day! I can't wait to watch her grow into a strong, happy little girl.

The second gift Bella gave me was to ask me to be her daughter's Godmother. I am so honored to be chosen for this very special title. The Spanish have a wonderful word for Godmother. It is comadres. Co -mothers. I am awed and honored beyond words. During the birth Bella's mother kept calling us comadres. Hearing that just fills me with so much love and joy. It is such a special gift.

I am so blessed to have so many babies in my life. I have my nephew, little button; my Goddaughter, peanut; and very soon my new niece.

The pain of infertility is still there. It still stings and I still hear; "See, this is what you can't have". It's not as loud and my love for my babies muffles the shouting pain to a whisper. I still feel it and still know it's pain but I also know the joy and beauty of having children in my life. I will not let infertility steal that joy from me.

I WILL NOT.

Update

You know you think I would have learned not to watch the baby show on that learning channel. Well apparently I am a hard learner. I watched an episode last week and had a minor melt down. I stopped and thought, "Oh. I'll watch this for Bella's sake". Well I of course had an emotional breakdown and rememeberd that I should be pregnant now and that I should be preparing to bring my baby into the world. But I am not.

You know, I've been reflecting on this "Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda" thing. And you know I've decided it I "should" be something I "would". does that make sense?

I am tired of saying; "I should be pregnant", "I should have lost weight", "I should have gone back to school". All this energy and time spent shoulding is not doing me any good.

I've got to give it up and let it go.

If I should be pregant I would be.

On anothoer note...
Still working with my Doctor for my mandatory Physcian assisted weightloss program. That is not going to well. I think I lost maybe 5 lbs. But, hey, I am not really trying.

On the home front -we're buying a house!! The housing market has slumped that we can actually afford a house! We have to move one county south (longer comute) but we can purchase a single family home! We're so excited. We found one we LOVED. But alas someone beat us with a better offer! So we're still looking.

We've been TCC the old fashion way. Ok, you can stop laughing now. It feels good to try. And we're actually not stressed about it. We're having fun (wink, wink) and if it happens, YIPPEE.

My God-daughter is due next month. I am so excited to meet her! I planned her momma's baby shower and actually did ok.

That't it for now. I've been tagged by Bonnie so I'll post tomorrow with my tag response.

When Words Fail...

My deepest sympathy to Mary Ellen and Steve. Please continue to pray for them.

Prayer Vigil

Many of you may know my dear blogger friends Mary Ellen and Steve. ME is pregnant at 17 weeks with triplets. She's having a rough time. Please check out her blog for more information.

I want to offer a prayer vigil for them. I am asking everyone who reads this blog to take a moment and offer a prayer for ME and Steve and the triplets. Pray continually but at 3 p.m. EST (for the 3 triplets) please stop what you are doing and let's all offer a prayer for them.

Here is a prayer you may use along with your own personal prayers.

Heavenly Father, You promise to care for us in all circumstances. As you care for the lilies you promise to care for us. Lord, please be with Mary Ellen as she struggles through this pregnancy. Please touch her with your healing power and help her to carry those precious triplets to 20 weeks. Give her doctors and nurses wisdom and guidance as they seek to care for her and the babies. Give Mary Ellen and Steve peace and hope in this most uncertain time. Surround them with love and care from family and friends. Strengthen those around them so they may be able to minister to them. Lord, you are the God of the impossible, you are the giver of life, we pray, give these babies life. We ask all this in the name of our risen Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Amen.

Phlebotomist Shelbotomist

I went to get blood work done today.

Non ART blood work. (Ironically enough if it were for ART it would be CD1 bw)

I had to go to one of those cattle herding "labs" where you sign in wait half the day then get your blood drawn.

Well after waiting 90 minutes I finally am called back.

I show the phlebotomist old trusty lefty - the vein my RE RN/office always uses.

"I am not going that high up" - she exclaims

Ok lets look at the right...

"YOU should ALWAYS have blood drawn from this arm." she instructs.

Oh sister if you only knew how many needles have stuck this body you'd keep your mouth shut.

Now Calling Number . . .

Yet another friend has announced her pregnancy to me.

One more for them and none for me.

I did very well. I only teared up slightly.

Mostly when she said, "You're next! I know it!"

I've been next so many times, I've given up and jumped out of line.

Luckily it was over the phone so she couldn't see my tears.

It's so hard when you hear the news. You feel so defeated and everything you've been through rushes over you again and you feel it all anew. All the disappointing failures, all the hopelessness, all the loss. It hits you like a tidal wave that would rival anything Godzilla could throw at the Japanese.

You try to engage in small talk, pushing back the urge to sob uncontrollably. Thinking of all the things you know are coming for her but have never experienced.

"Oh, you're 10 weeks, well then your baby is ....."

It hurts

bitterly

And it takes all you have not to break down and scream It takes everything not to shut down and crawl under your desk.

You feel so pathetic, so vulnerable, and so petty.

You want to be happy, you really, really do, but your pain is suffocating - it has dominion over all your emotions.

You just take a deep breath, and utter, "Congratulations" hoping your voice doesn't crack somewhere in the middle.



So when and how did you hear your friend, sister, best friend, barren 98 year old widow, or co-worker were expecting? How did you react?

Hasta La Vista

Good bye 2007. - The year I finally got pregnant and the year I experienced the pain of a miscarriage. That's how I'll always remember 07.

What will 2008 bring?

This New Year's Eve isn't one that's exciting or hopeful. It's just so so.

May all of you have a happy New Year's. I hope 2008 holds all your dreams.

New Hobby

I've discovered gambling!

Well not what you might consider your traditional gambling!

It's gambling with coupons. Only difference is you always win!!

I am so into it I had to start another blog! Check it out

http://crazysexysavings.blogspot.com/


Oh, yeah, I am serious!

70 million

That's how many sperm were in Harry's latest seamen analysis!

Can you believe it! He went from an abysmal 2 mil to 70 mil!!!

We are ecstatic

Our urologist (Dr. P) ;)- has put Harry on an estrogen suppressant. His blood work showed a good level of testerone but a way too high level of estrogen. I think the ratio was 1 to 3.

For once we are completely hopeful and excited that we can have a baby and that possibly IUI will work for us!

On a different note - I had to reformat my computer. So I lost all my blog favorites! So if I've visited your blog (or if I should visit your blog :) ) could you please leave a comment so I can link back to it!

Approved

I've been approved for gas.t.ric ban.ding.

I have three criteria to meet before the surgery

1. 6 months of a physician assisted weight loss program
2. 2 years of medical records
3. psychological evaluation

Number 2 and 3 are not problem. It's the first criteria that pains me.

6 more months. Not only does that mean 6 more months before the surgery but that pushes out pregnancy even further. At first I was a little depressed with this news. I mean I've already waited 4 years to get pregnant. Now having to wait another year to 18 months. -UGH!

I've accepted it and am taking steps to get there. Thanks for all the support! You've all been so wonderful.

A Different Kind of Journey

I am starting a different journey.

I am not finished with the journey through infertility but it's being postponed.

I am on a weight loss to health journey.

As much as I want a child now I know that I cannot and should not get pregnant at this weight. It pains me to postpone my IF journey but if I want to find success I need to start and finish my weight loss journey first.

I had a consult yesterday for ga.st.ric ban.din..g.

It was great and I really like my doctor. For the first time I feel like I have some control of my life and I will reach a goal I've set for myself.

I am excited and hopeful that the band will help not only with weight loss but with PCOS as well.

My doc seems to think so too - granted he is no RE but he's a fatty specialist.

So, things are in motion for the surgery. Don't have any specifics (much like starting ART) but I am excited and very, very hopeful.

I haven't decided if I'll continue posting here or if I'll start a new blog. Whichever choice I make I'll be sure to let you know!

Shameless Advertisement

I am a part-time consultant for one of those home based businesses. I originally started the part time business to help with the costs of ART. You know the one where you go to your friends home and host a party and people buy things. You know the cookware company that loves to pamper its cooks? ;)

So, I wanted to invite all my blogger friends to a virtual party! If you'd like to purchase anything please send me an e-mail to sunny_jenny05486atyahoo.com and I'll send you a link to the website. I can ship to anywhere in the US and Canada! I also have great gift ideas for under $10.

Thanks for the support!

Broken

Blood work confirmed what I knew in my heart.

I feel like a broken record but really, "I don't know how many more failed cycles I can take."

It is so heartbreaking and drains every bit of hope, encouragement, life, joy, and peace out of my soul. I am left as a shadow, a shell of who I am.

I am not doing very well at hiding it anymore. People ask me how I am doing and I say,

"Fine." but they know I am not and often remind me that I don't look "fine".

I am so tired-- so worn out-- so beat up.

We're taking a break. I want to try to enjoy my favorite time of year. I want to focus on my family and friends and enjoy this holiday season.

Harry is going to see a urologist. We need to figure out what is going on with his swimmers.

I am trying to start up my exercise and healthy eating. I NEED TO LOOSE WEIGHT! I know this beyond any doubt. Because even if I get pregnant again my PCOS may not let me stay pregnant.

It's so hard. I had planned to get up and exercise this morning-- but once again hit the snooze. Why can't I just do it? If I really want a baby so badly why can't I do what I know will help increase my chances? WHY! -- I am so desperate I am even considering gastri.c. ba.nd.ing.

I am just feeling so utterly hopeless and useless right now.

Negative

HPT says not pregnant.

Funk

I am in a funk.

I don't think I am pregnant.

I am so freakin' tired of all this crap.

I just want a baby.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. How much more hope I can loose.

I am so drained. SO stinkin' tired.

Harry is sure we'll be parents one day. I am not so sure.

I feel totally hopeless...

I am symptom less. Don't really feel anything.

Why do so many people around me get to be pregnant but not me. Why?

I am so sick and tired of smiling to cover my pain.

It hurts.

Chooo Chooo!!!!!!

I did it!!

I ordered these!

I can't wait any longer!! I have to know!!

Surrounded

I am surrounded by pregnant women.

They're in the bookstore.

They're in the grocery check-out line.

They're in the elevator going to my RE's.

They're popping up everywhere! Why does it seem like everyone is getting pregnant...

Everyone but me....

It's really kind of commical. I knew I wasn't imagining things when Harry commented,

"What's with all the pregnant women?"

I found out last night that another friend is pregnant.

I found out from someone else. In the middle of a meeting. Not good.

I held it together. I am surprised. Maybe it's because she already has two little girls. But it still stings.

It stings to see so many people around me getting to have what I so desperately want. The jealousy is tortuous.

And now Giada announces she's pregnant! If Rachel announces she's pregnant, I'll loose it for sure!

Surrounded, I tell you!

3 dpiui

Lying in bed, the night before our last IUI, snuggled close to Harry; when completely out of the blue he says;

“CHOOO-CHOOO! All aboard the crazy train!”

How nice! My dear husband is prepared for this crazy 2 ww! I think he’s finally getting an idea of what it’s like to be the vessel of this insanity.

I strangely feel nothing. My left ovary is still a little sensitive but I feel nothing.

Our RE RN said, “It’s looked better” when asked about Harry’s sample.

I am not making any assumptions this cycle – after last month’s debacle – I am not going there again.

IUI #3

Tomorrow is the day.

Our IUI is in the morning.

Surprisingly my body worked ahead of schedule! I usually don't make it this far for three more days!

Fingers crossed that this is the one!

Check List

Bottle of wine - drunk -- CHECK

Sushi eaten -- CHECK

Inhaling 2nd hand smoke and not freakin' out -- CHECK

New pair of shoes -- CHECK

ANOTHER new pair of shoes! -- CHECK

Day at the salon - hairapy and new fall color - CHECK

SEX with hubby- CHECK -- Double CHECK!!

Back on the crazy pills (aka Clo.m.id) -- CHECK!

My Man

It's hard to imagine that something good could come from infertility. But it has. This journey has led me to see what a wonderful husband I have.

I don't have the words to express how kind, caring, loving, and devoted he has been to me these past few months. I mean he was always great but recently he's been exceptional. Sometimes I feel as if I've won some award.

So, baby, thank you for all your love. For holding me when I sobbed, for bringing me tea in bed, for not letting me lift a finger, for carrying my massive purse when the ovaries hurt, for the back rubs, for telling me we will be parents, for still having me as "baby momma" in your phone, for waking up in the middle of the night to make sure I am sleeping, and for trusting me even when I am wrong.

I love you angel.

So Wrong

How could I be so wrong.

That's what's most upsetting.

I really, honestly thought I was pregnant.

I am not one to hope or think this will work for me. For a long time I even doubted I would ever get pregnant.

To be so hopeful --to have convinced Harry

I am crushed

I don't know my body-- it lied to me.

My heart is so broken and now the miscarriage hurts all over again.

F.R.E.D

I hate them

2nd pee stick- BFN

Last time (when I was pregnant for a day) I used a different brand. I don't remember what brand. I am done with F.R.E.D - FOREVER!

Today is Not That Day - Again

I didn't make it to Tuesday

I knew I should have waited. But my darling Harry bought some pee sticks.

And as I lay in bed at 4 am holding in my pee, Harry says,

"Please, go put us both out of your misery."

HPT - Negative

What if my body is misleading me. Can I be imagining all this?

11 dpIUI is very early - last time I tested 12 dpIUI and got the faintest positive.

My boobs feel like lead balloons and are very "hard".

We're a little disappointed but haven't lost all hope.

So I guess you could say...

To pee continued

Just the Facts

Still crazy and pregnant (well I know I am crazy and I think I am pregnant).

I've never been more sure that I am pregnant. I always knew I'd know. I know my body. All those time I knew I wasn't pregnant but hoped I was. Now I know I am.

It's not so much that I am having symptoms but that I am not having PMS symptoms.

So, come with me, if you will, on a little journey. Let's review my 3 cycles.

IVF #1 - This is the first time I experienced killer cramps. I mean double over - this must be like labor (I know it's not really -humor me) - cramps. No other symptoms.

FET #1 - Well no cramps for FET #1 - but I am sure that was due to the PIO. I didn't get AF until a few days after I stopped the PIO. I also didn't have the backache and headache that I have now!

IUI#1 - Well IUI #1 had both pregnancy symptoms (headache and backache) as well as PMS symptoms (killer cramps).

IUI #2 - At 9 dpIUI NO PMS symptoms!!!

Holy moley!!

I am gonna PAOS on Tuesday.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

No Cramps

And that's a big deal.

Every cycle I get PMS cramps exactly 1 week before AF shows up. Like clock work.

The arrival of cramps have always signaled the end of the dream. Occasionally I'd try to fool myself that the cramps really didn't mean it was over--but I always knew it was over.

Well 1 week to go and so far NO CRAMPS!

So.... choo choo all aboard!

Hop on Board the Crazy Train

I think I am pregnant.

I don't want to think I am pregnant -- but I do!

I've had this constant back ache for the past 3 days. Like nothing I've experienced before.

It's sorta painful -- not horrible but I am definitely uncomfortable.

I've had a slight headache off and on again as well.

So, get your ticket and hop on board the crazy train cause it's leaving the station!

Why I blog

I know that all my fellow IF bloggers can relate to the purpose and therapy there is in blogging about this difficult journey of infertility.

My blog is my sanctuary.

It is a place for me and about me. I can be self centered, loathsome, irate, intolerant, hateful, angry, self deprecating, depressed, and mournful.

It is my blog. It is about me.

In real life I am a pretty selfless person. I put others above myself and have a hard time allowing myself to feel emotions or even standing up for myself.

I am in therapy dealing with these issues and I have my blog.

I can get all my ugliness out here -- I can say the things I would never say in public.

It's my world, my rules, my place.

If you cannot understand that - then please don't read this blog. I fight so hard to be honest with my emotions.

That said, I want to clarify some things for a recent viewer who left a very opinionated comment on my previous post Irony is a Bitch.

In case you missed the comment here it is:

I have read the post and comments and I cannot help but leave my own. I know
your SIL well and I think your comments are selfish and unfair. For the record,
your SIL has walked every step of your fertility troubles with you. She has been
there for you every time you have needed her. She has cried with you and for you
through your ordeal. I also do not hear any mention of HER fertility issues. In
all fairness, I think your readers should know that your SIL has had TWO
miscarriages herself, one as recently as this July. I think it is important that
you not lose sight of what your SIL has been to you and done for you over the
years. I know your struggle is a tough one, I have personally walked some of
this heartache but not to the extent you have, but that doesn't give you the
right to blast her on a public forum and discount all she has been to you.
Perhaps the rudest of all is to say that next May is going to, as you put it,
"suck ass." How could the birth of a child EVER "suck ass"??? Seriously, if you
cannot keep your focus on Jesus, the least you could do is take it off of
yourself every once in awhile. I hope that you find success with your IUI, I
truly do. The bitterness and pain is eating you up and it is incredibly
unhealthy.

Leslie, I can see by your comment that you care very much for A, as do I. She is a wonderful woman and as you said she has been there for me. She and I have been friends for a long time and we were friends before we were family. I love her like a real sister and I cherish my nephew and future nieces or nephews that I will be blessed to have. A and C know that.

What you do not know is me. You do not know what it's like to be inside of my skin - you may have struggled with IF (as many of my fellow readers/bloggers have) but one thing we will all say is, "You don't know what it's like to be here-- to be me--right now." I pray you never will know this deep pain.

You see my pain isn't merely at the death of my unborn child but its the pain and struggle of dealing with my grief for my loss and yet the joy I feel at being an Aunt again. May is going to "suck ass" because I will have a physical reminder of my loss. As I snuggle my new niece or nephew and feel my heart grow with love for him or her I will remember that my arms are still empty. Showing a joyful face to my brother and A as they celebrate this most special of days is going to be difficult and yes, it most definitely will suck ass.

And about Jesus- Oh sister-- don't even go there.

And to A: I love you. It was with your permission I wrote that post. As I congratulated you on your pregnancy you told me that I didn't have to say congratulations and that you understood if I was angry. I believe you.

This is my blog, my space, my expression. Please don't read it if you can't accept this fundamental truth.

Trigger

Tonight is trigger night.

IUI #2 scheduled for Thursday morning.

I am doing better but in a complete funk. This has been a horrible 3 weeks. It just seems like Harry and I have had so much crap hurled at us. Our latest crap is that Harry is having troubles at work. Hopefully these troubles will be resolved this week. I couldn't take it if Harry lost his job.

Move along.

Irony is a Bitch

My brother and sister-in-law are pregnant.

She was on the pill.

We're gutted. The same month we loose our baby --they get a baby they weren't "trying" for.

May is gonna suck ass.

Move Along

We're moving on.

That's not to say this is any easier.

I think I've fooled myself with the severity and depth of our loss.

I keep having nightmares in which I am crying for my dead baby.

I am a ghost.

A shadow.

I am moving along. Living by the motions. This is my new theme song. I've used it before in this IF journey but today, right now, it's even more applicable.

Even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along
just to make it through.




When everything is wrong...

CD 3

It's officially over.

I am thankful that my body took care of everything and I don't need any further treatments.

My RE is convinced I was pregnant and hopeful that IUI will work for us.

I go in tomorrow for monitoring and kick off IUI #2 -- assuming everything looks clear. We're doing a clomid/injectibles cycle.

I am at peace and could do 100 IUIs before another IVF.

A thousand thank yous to everyone for all their support and love. All your comments mean so much to Harry and I. It's so comforting to know that we're not alone. Thank you all!

Pregnant for a Day

For one day we knew what it was like to feel like we finally made it.

After 3 years we were able to embrace each other and celebrate.

I am bleeding as if AF is here. In my mind it's over.

I am not in any pain (physically). But in my heart, I know it's over.

Harry and I are blessed to know we had a baby for a day. We know IUI works for us and we can and will try again. I am so glad I POAS and new I was pregnant. If I hadn't taken the test I would have just thought AF arrived early. Now we know. It makes the loss harder and greater but it gives us hope and trust that one day we will get pregnant and take home a baby.

Thank you so much for your support and encouragement. All our shared pain unites us and you are all sisters to me. Thank you.

Waiting

It's been a rough night.

The ups and downs of infertility only intensify once you think you have a positive...

We're still so overwhelmed and can't possibly believe that we will make it through this with a real live baby.

I woke up in the middle of the night to pee and discovered I was bleeding.

It was red blood. Not a lot --only saw it when I wiped (sorry if this is TMI).

I spent the rest of the night on line goo.g.gling 'bleeding during pregnancy'.

Called my RE's call service at 6 AM. The RN returned my call in 10 minutes and said that all we can do is wait and as soon as we have the blood results she'll let me know.

Bleeding has seemed to tapper off.

Just got the blood results phone call. BETA is 14. Yesterday was 12 dpIUI. I don't know what this means. Of course I've goo.g.g.led Hcg levels and am still none the wiser.

RN says its a positive and to come in on Monday and not to be too concerned cause it is still very early.

So we're back to the waiting game.

This is torture.

Skerd

I have this argument with myself everytime...

to pee or not to pee.....

After countless negative HPTs I've always promised myself...

"NO HPTs until I miss a period"

And I always loose.

So today I broke down and PAOS.

Telling myself. "When you get the BFN at least you'll know and you can mourn the loss and move on."

So I did it.

And I saw a faint blue line.

I called my RE RN and they told me to come in now for blood work.

Took another POAS test at the RE's office. Here's that picture

You can see the faint pink test line.

RE says it's not the HCG shot- I am pregnant

RE RN says I am pregnant

Office mananger says I am pregnant

I can't believe it....

Blood work was rushed. RE RN should call with blood work results tonight.

Harry and I are skerd.

Pregnancy Symptom Advisory System **UPDATED**

The Sunny Jenny Pregnancy Symptom Advisory System has elevated the Pregnancy threat from Low to Guarded.




As the public may know the PSAS was devised to warn the public, friends, and family of Sunny Jenny of an impending pregnancy. Regardless of the PSAS level, there is no positive way to guarantee a pregnancy is approaching.


The PSAS is here simply to advise you on the emotional and mental state of Sunny Jenny. Please prepare accordingly.

**UPDATE**

The PSAS has been down graded to LOW.

Pre-mentsral cramps have begun. Well cramping is a symtom of pregnancy you may say; however, after 3 years of this crap I know my body and know AF is coming.

Ominous Fortune

Harry and I took a few days off this week to go visit my nephew. He's 18 months now and the cutest thing! We had a great time and today we all went to a Chinese restaurant for lunch. and my fortune cookie read....

WHAT THE HECK DOES THIS MEAN????

My SIL nearly burst into tears. I refused to give any credence to this fortune. Yet, I picked it up and brought it all the way home. And here it is scanned and on my blog... torturing me.

Does it mean IVF isn't over yet? You have to try again, and again, and again?

or

Does it mean this cycle isn't over yet! Stick with the embryo burrowing into my uterus lining?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Someone shake a Magic 8 ball and let me know!

I am Rock Star!

Well I always knew that one! I've been tagged here so it's time to share the bling!

Becks - She's my 2ww English buddy! A brave girl going through IVF #2 she's relatively new to IVF. Fingers crossed for her!

Bea - A true veteran an inspiration! I can always count on Bea to provide quality information and support! She just got a positive BETA! So go congratulate her!

Beagle - After many, many ART cycles Beagle's decided to travel down the road of adoption! She's got her application in and is waiting for her baby to come home! She's a real trooper and I'd admire her courage and perseverance!

Jenny - My fellow name sake! We both started IVF #1 at the same time. Neither of us walked away with a BFP. But Jenny's FET #1 gave her the very beautiful Olivia! What a doll! She's enjoying motherhood and still feels the sting of IF. She's been there for me and still checks in.

Ms. Infertile - A new blogger I've just met. She's starting this journey.

I could go on and on! You're all fabulous!

Piece of Cake

We did our IUI this morning. It was a piece of cake!

Hubby did his thing here at home and then we drove over to the clinic.

Our RE RN met us there and reviewed the sample.

"This isn't your sperm" - she said.

"Yes it is" Harry protested

"This sperm looks great!" she exclaimed

We got to look at our swimmers under the microscope. The looked really good. A few of them were waving the Union Jack! They were swimming around and looked well formed.

Our RE RN was very impressed and think we have a shot.

I start 1 prom.etrium vaginally tomorrow evening.

I just have some minor cramping still and minor discomfort from ovulation. I've been in bed all day watching Harry Po.t.ter!

Now the 2ww begins!

Blessing in Disguise

That's what I am calling it. "What?" is my blessing you ask?

Well, it's my canceled IVF/ISCI#2 cycle!

I knew I was heading down this road when I only had 2 follicles on Monday. Today's scan shows 3. Not a good response.

My RE went the conservative route with my stims this time around. She wanted to avoid another massive over stimulation like we had from IVF #1.

Quality over quantity was the goal.

Well screw that!

We're converting to an IUI - to be done on Sunday.

"Now you know, you're chances aren't good" warns the RE RN

"Yes, I know, we have lousy sperm." I retort.

Well I was dragging my heals from the beginning -- didn't really want to undergo the ER and then there was the whole - second mortgage to freeze your embryos trauma.

So, maybe this is a blessing in disguise. That's my angle anyways.

I am ok, not too torn up. If this had happened at IVF #1 I would have been a wreck. Luckily experience has hardened my heart and given me a deeper perspective on life and infertility.

Fingers crossed!

Still Cooking

Not ready...

Raising the meds...

Return on Friday for update....

nothing is certain

An Update, Compliment, Question, and a Thank You

Update:
Well the girls are doing their job nicely.

I've got a few big ones and lots of little one gestating. RE wants to go a few more days. She thinks the trigger will be Wednesday with the retrieval on Friday.

Compliment:
I received the nicest compliment this morning.

Scene: legs in stirrups- wand inserted

RE: "You really seem to be approaching this differently"

translation: "You're not as obsessive, crazy, nuts-o, maniac, loony, and annoying this cycle"

ME: "really?"

RE: "Yeah, you seem calmer"

ME: "Well, maybe therapy is helping"

I wonder how bad I was before. Unfortunately my calmness is a symptom of heartbreak and pain. Having been through the wringer once I know what heartache lies around the corner.

Question:
My RE was going to put me on a new progesterone cream. I was very excited as the PIO are horribly painful and I hate the prom.etrium suppositories. As my longtime faithful readers may remember I did suppositories for IVF/ISCI #1 and had horrible cramping and started my period before my BETA. I never had any cramping with PIO and AF didn't arrive until after PIOs were discontinued.

Well the lovely insurance industry has disallowed my new cream! Jerks! So it's either PIO or suppositories. My RE seems to think that suppositories will be just fine-- but I am a little concerned. Here again lies my insanity.

Part of me wants to trust the doctor but another part of me is terrified the suppositories don't work. I am going to bring it up Wednesday for my final scan. Any thoughts or comments?

Thank You:
Many thanks to all my blogfriends! You've been so helpful and encouraging! You're a fantastic support system and I hope I can return the favor.

How Big Do Your Ovaries Get?

Today is day 5 of stims. I am doing ok. It's amazing how much this is like riding a bike. It comes so naturally!

I'd like to share few observations and then ask your opinion.

Observations

1. Gon.al F STINGS! Man that puppy burns when its injected! I much prefer folli.stim.

2. I feel like a mad scientists! Mixing all my meds at night and keeping it all straight is a challenge. My sharps box is already over flowing!

3. FETs are much easier -- that's probably a stupid observation but true non the less.

4. I forgot how much my ovaries can hurt - owie! I am already needing to lie down and pull at the Tyl.en.ol and heating pad!

5. Harry is the sweetest guy. He is so sweet always trying to make me feel better. I am getting the royal treatment! He did all the laundry this weekend and is waiting on me hand and foot! I have to live it up now without taking to much advantage of his sweet disposition!

Now to the question.

I am debating between a 3 day and 5 day transfer. What are your thoughts/experiences?

My thoughts are that if my embryos can make it 5 days in a dish then I am willing to give them a chance in my womb. So much hope and emotion goes into each transfer. Does anyone have any hard evidence for one verses the other. I know my RE is partial to 3 day transfers. At the most I've had a 12 cell transfer. Please let me know your thoughts.

Thanks for all the support! You all are so amazing!

On the Roller Coaster...

Many thanks to all the helpful comments on my last post. You are all so wonderful! Your help and words of comfort really helped me. I am feeling much better and going to make it. --I think ;P

Had my CD3 blood panel and sonogram today. Everything is fine. We begin g.onal F and men.opur on Thursday with monitoring on Monday. We're trying different drugs this time and a slightly different protocol. ER could be August 20 -23.

I feel like IVF/ISCI #1 was just a test run.

I really hope this is the one. No one wants to be stuck on this roller coaster!

Panic Attack

Today is CD 2

I am having a minor panic attack.

I just got off the phone with my RE RN to plan my next cycle.

For my next egg retrieval I will be under mild anesthesia.

I will be conscious.

Because of my size (i.e. I am fat) the anesthesiologists aren't comfortable knocking me all the way out.

I will be awake.

I will be sedated and "happy" and as my RN said,

"Even if you feel something you won't care."

Yeah, not words of real comfort.

So, I am freaking out. Terrified of another horrible ER despite my RE RN's assurance of,

"You'll be fine, you really will."

Not feeling so fine right now!

HELP! Can any of you out there tell me if you've been conscious during your ER and what they were like. Be honest.

I keep trying to talk myself down...

'It's only 15 minutes max'

'LABOR is going to be much more difficult'

'You'll be drugged!!'

I still don't know.

Is all this pain, stress, and financial debt worth another BFN? If I knew I had a BFP on the other side I'd be gliding through this whole thing. Heck, if I had one shred of hope that I'd have a baby on the other side I'd be ok.

But all this for a BFN. I don't know...

My Last Day

Today is the last day.

Tomorrow I begin the tumultuous journey of IVF/ISCI #2

I start lu.pron and prometrium tomorrow.

Why pr.ometrium you ask...

well.....

I didn't ovulate this month. I haven't ovulated the past 3 months. Before that I was doing really good. 27-28 day cycles -- then the ovaries gave up the ghost.

I think my body is sabotaging me. Right when I want to start my cycle it starts to act up!

So I start the lupr.on and wait for AF to show up after the prometrium.

I am still very anxious and completely terrified that this cycle will still leave us empty handed. I am still extremely stressed about the whole egg retrieval. I am just trying to take it one step at a time.

We are going to freeze any extra 5 day embryos. (Thanks for all the advice) My parents (God bless them) have offered to help cover the costs. "It's our grandbaby" they said.

Please, please let this one be the grandbaby!

I am off to Orlando for a week! See you all when I get back.

Torn

I really don't know what to do.

I am torn between doing IVF/ISCI #2 and waiting.

The enormous cryo fees have really thrown Harry and I off. I hate that finances play such a huge roll in our quest for a child. Here are our options

1. Proceed with IVF/ISCI #2 and continue to plunge deeper into debt.
2. Postpone IVF/ISCI #2 until more financially secure.
3. Try an IUI - Much less expensive and no need for cryo - however not sure if it's even worth the time.

I really don't know what to do. Harry suggested doing IVF/ISCI #2 without preserving left over embryos and took one look at me and changed his song.

I really don't know what to do and I need to make a decision cause AF is on her way.

The Consultation

I had my consult with my RE this morning.

Sitting in the car waiting to go into the building I had a mild panic attack. My anxiety is through the roof. Even sitting here typing I feel extremely anxious and overwhelmed.

The consult went well. We went over my menstrual cycles and my last IVF.

There have been some ART advances at my clinic since my last cycle.

Instead of PIO there is a new progesterone made specifically for vaginal use and it comes with an applicator! So good bye PIO! Man those hurt! And the Dr. thinks we can combine all my meds into one injection at night. So that is a blessing!

My RE is working with a new lab so she will have to talk to their anesthesiologist about my case. The cyro rates for the new clinic are double the old clinic. That throws another wrench into the situation. I don't know if we can afford to cryo preserve our embryos.

We also talked about 3 day verses 5 day transfer. I want a 5 day transfer. If those embryos can make it 5 days in a petri dish then I am willing to emotionally commit to them.

I am stressed about the emotional and financial commitment. I am not feeling too good about jumping on this emotional roller coaster again.

Left Behind

Preface:

If you are a friend or family member and you know I am talking about you please don't be offended. I love you and don't want you to feel guilty or bad at all! I need this blog and I need to get these words out.... words I could never utter with my lips...only here in this refuge.

------

Today I received the greatest news!

A dear friend of mine is pregnant. She has been trying for a while, undergone some ART, and found out that she is pregnant!

I am overwhelmed with joy for her and her husband.

She feels a little guilty - you know survivor's guilt.

We've always joked about being pregnant together. She planned another ART cycle this month and we hoped that my upcoming IVF/ISCI in August would result in a conception and we would be pregnant together.

I am so happy for her but even more aware of my own pain and emptiness. She was the one person who knew what it's like to be on this side. And now she's gone.

My fear and trepidation about the upcoming cycle is even greater now. I really feel so overwhelmed with the thought of failure that it paralyzes me.

I know if I don't try it will never happen. Because you see it happens for everyone else except me.

Am I Really Doing This?

I made the call

CD 8 today. Start Lupron on CD 21

Scared shitless

It's a Little Like Playing Roulette

What number will it be?

What number will this Cycle end on?

Well we're in the "hopefully" last week of waiting.

Once I get this period there will be only one more period before IVF #2

I can't believe it is just around the corner.

I have a regular OBGYN appointment next week. I think I'll be ok. Last year I had a panic attack on the table, legs up, and speculum inserted and me freakin' out. It was way too soon to let anybody poke around down there.

So, I have a question. I've never had chicken pox. Should I get the vaccination? Both my brothers had the pox and I never got it. I even babysat a kid with it once and didn't get it. Just thinking about it.

Hope you're all have a lovely May!

P.S. Please pray from my cyster Spanglish she's unexpectedly pregnant!

Me Me Revisted

Becks tagged me for the Me, Me post.

Because I am a cranky infertile I shall refer you all to a previous post done 100 years ago when I was an innocent, unscathed, hopeful woman approaching my first IVF cycle.

http://mystrugglewithinfertility.blogspot.com/2006/01/me-me-me.html

Dream Baby

Last night I had the most amazingly real dream. I walked into my kitchen and there was a nurse bottle feeding an infant.

“I’ll feed him.” I said

The nurse handed me the baby but held onto the bottle.

“You won’t need this” she said pointing to my swollen breasts.

I walked into the living room and sat on our couch and looked down at my baby. He was a tiny little peanut with Harry’s wide set eyes that are the color of my father’s eyes, ice blue. My baby had a full hear of dark thick hair, like his mommy’s hair. His little wrinkled face reminded me of my beloved nephew’s infant face. He was warm, he was real, and he was mine. As I suckled my baby to my breast I was thinking..

“But the HPT said not pregnant. A (my SIL) is never going to believe this one. How, when did this happen.”

Then I woke up

Dream baby are you just a dream or are you a heavenly promise of things to come?

Dream baby please be real…

Reflections

I am doing fine after the last two weeks of emotional torture.

I am moving on. Now that my hormones are back to normal I feel much better. Thanks for all the support and all the wishing on stars. It's so great to know I have a place where I can share my insanity and know I'll be understood. You're really all I got. No one knows my tortured heart like you all do. Thank you friends.

So, Harry and I were in bed enjoying our normal Saturday ritual. Harry makes a pot of tea on Saturday mornings and brings me a cup in bed and we cuddle and watch crapped Saturday morning TV. I know the ROMANCE! Well this Saturday Harry was flipping when I saw an egg being ISCIed.

"Stop!" I cried, "That's IVF"

Why oh why did I need to watch yet another news brief on IVF. This one was poignantly appropriate as it was about IVF and obese women. Yes my friend I said obese. It turns out that women who are obese, over weight, or just plain fat have a harder time of getting pregnant through IVF. The hormone imbalance from the fat makes it difficult for embryos transfers to implant. GREAT! Just what I needed to hear after my crappy week!

That sent me into a downward spiral. I don't think IVF is ever going to work. I am just feeling so totally helpless and hopeless right now. Our impending August cycle seems doomed even before it begins. Maybe I need to wait and loose more weight (I've lost 30 lbs).

Why can't I get pregnant?

I don't know if I should try in August or wait.

If I am not trying I know I'll never get pregnant. I am just not sure on what to do.

The Pee Stick Has Spoken

NOT PREGNANT

AF still MIA

What is going on with my body? Please somebody tell me! Just when I was down to a 28 day cycle. I was so happy that my ovaries were working and I was cycling every 28 days. Now who knows what this means. I am giving it till Monday, then I am calling the RE.

**Update**
AF arrive at approximately 13:27 EST

Clueless

No AF yet.

I can feel her coming....

And, yet CD 29

Have I officially missed a period?

Can I think I am pregnant? Anyone felt period cramps and was actually pregnant?

The pendulum keeps swinging.

I am going to POAS tomorrow. I've officially made it to CD 29 without POAS so I can be proud.

The Pendulum Swings

Back to Psychosis

So I haven't had a cramp since Saturday 6 PO. Usually I am all cramped out here on DC 23 AF knocking on my cervix.

What is going on! I am so freaking out! I just want to know. This has been the most emotional 2ww since IVF #1.

So now I don't know.

I want to POAS so badly. After Pee Stick 100 got thrown into the garbage, I vowed never to POAS again until AF was a bonafide no show.

DEAR LORD HELP ME!

Diagnosis: Psychosis

Well I am pack down to earth.

Translation:
WTF was I thinking?

Cramps started...

period in T -minus 7 days....

Psychosis or Symptoms

I think maybe I am pregnant.

Ok, I wish I was pregnant.

For the first time since our IF diagnosis, Harry and I had sex during ovulation. It’s not like we were on strike, but this month, it was as if the stars had aligned.

I new I was ovulating. I am sure of it. Since I’ve upped my Met I’ve been having a 26 – 28 day cycle. With the exception of my March PCOS Period I’ve been pretty regular.

So Sunday was my O day and Harry and had one of the greatest intimate encounters of our marriage. It was earth shaking. It wasn’t until we were way into it that I realized, “HOLY SMOKES! I AM OVULATING”.

So for the past 5 days I’ve been doing the maybe baby dance – for the first time in 2 years.

Yesterday I started feeling nausea – not vomit – just persistent nausea – the way I feel when I take estrogen for an FET.

Today the heartburn started – like when I am on the PIO shots.

I am insane.

You’re the only people who understand my insanity. I am sure in 10 days I’ll get my period and be back in the blues.

But could it be possible… is there a chance that one of Harry’s lazy, misshapen, confused sperm found its way to my obstinate egg?

I’ve already goggled pregnancy symptoms and the due date calculator.

Is hoping that is happened worth the potential disappointment?

And if I am pregnant what will I say to all those people who told me to relax, cause damit I WAS relaxing!

The Comback

People say the crappiest things. I know that not everyone has evil intentions with their comments, but sometimes people really just need to keep their comments to themselves. Deep down I know people mean well. But you see most of us don’t live deep down. We live up here where words do hit harder than fists and one well meaning comment can send one of us into a spiral of emotional turmoil.

I believe preparation is the key. I am disgusted with my generic, lackadaisical response to these idiotic comments. The time has come to tell people the truth, to stop caring more for their self esteem and more for my emotional well being.

The following is what I like to refer to as my Stupid IF Comments 1st Aid Kit. I am developing my come backs for all those idiotic comments that people are bound to thoughtless toss at me more than likely trying to make themselves feel better than in an honest attempt to bring me some comfort.

The Well There’s Always Adoption Comment:
Actually, no. (pregnant pause {pun intended}) Adoption isn’t a cure for infertility. Children are not items that can replace one another. Adopting a child will not erase all the emotional and physical pain of infertility. We will always be infertile. While adoption is a very wonderful path to parenthood it is NOT a cure for the inability to conceive a child with your spouse. And right now it’s not an option for us.

The Just Relax Comment:
Relax? That’s it? You mean if my husband relaxes his abysmal sperm will mover faster, in a straight line, and copiously reproduce! Geez Lousie, I am calling my doctor right away! I wonder if relaxation works for cancer patients too.

The I Knew Someone Who Comment:
Really (in an incredulous tone), I actually Goggled that one and it’s an Urban Legend.

As you can see it's a starter kit. Composed of the bare IF survival essentials. The Kit will grow as I encounter more and more people. Please feel free to use my 1st Aid Kit as needed. I appreciate any suggestions you may have or perhaps you have your own Kit and would like to compare its contents.

Remember a Baby Scout is always prepared.

Do It Yourself Conception Kit

Ok, I have to talk about this.

Have you all heard of this First-At Home Conception Kit?

I am a little unsure about how I feel about this kit.

I wish it existed 3 years ago when we first started TTC.

and yet,

I feel that it may just be postponing couples from seeking the care of a professional RE.

One does need a prescription...

Maybe I am just bitter.

What are your thoughts?

Good Luck Mi Amiga

Well my good friend Bella is on the other side of her first IUI.

Welcome honey to my side I pray you'll have more sucess than me.

Give her some encouragement and wish her well-- she could use some support!

False Alarm

Looks like I jumped the gun!

28 day cycle ! HA!

My period is playing peek-a-boo and I think I am having what I lovingly refer to as a PCOS Period. All my cysters can relate-- you know that one where your hormones are so messed up your body doesn't know what to do.

Oh the joy!

Thankfully I am so jaded I haven't decided that this time I AM DEFINITELY PREGNANT and peed on 10 sticks waiting for one to tell me the answer I am looking for.

Peek - a- boo I don't see you!

28 Days Later

I just had my first 28 day cycle in 100 years!

Perhaps the new dosage of metformin or the recent weightloss (lost 18 lbs). Or perhaps it is a combination of both.

Whatever it is I'll take a 28 day cycle!

And The Award Goes To...

I am sitting here watching the O*cars...

And I am thinking there should be some awards or something for those of us going through infertility.

Here are some categories I've thought of:

Most eggs retrieved

Most blood drawn in a cycle

Best Valium high from transfer

Most tears shed over a BFN

Most hopeful

Most likely to jump off a bridge

I mean kids get trophies for playing all sorts of sports and science fairs. If I can't walk away with a baby I'd like something other than a sore bumm, an overflowing sharps box, and a maxed out credit card to show for my efforts.

What categories can you think of to award one another? I am interested to hear!

Oh, yeah I changed the blog a bit. This is pretty much the extent of my remodeling abilities. I had to change the name-- much simpler.

Update:
I had to add this update award idea from Town Criers

Best performance for getting through someone else's pregnancy annoucement.

I have SO been there! Unfortunatley my deer infront of headlights reaction probably wouldn't win any awards!

Gave It All Away

Well it's official.

I gave all my meds away.

I turned them into my RE's office to be given to any couple that doesn't have insurance and needs meds.

It was hard... put that follistim has been sitting in my fridge for nearly a year and I just couldn't bare to look at it and I couldn't let those precious meds go to waste.

If my meds aren't going to get me pregnant they have to get someone pregnant.

I did talk with Harry before I dropped off the meds. He is cool with waiting until August. He seemed a little disappointed but he completely supports me. I wasn't afraid to tell him about my decision but more afraid that telling him would make it real. Harry is already thinking about what if IVF never works for us. I think he's ready to move onto Foster care/adoption. I am not so ready. My sweet Harry is so supportive of my desire and lovingly follows me in our reproductive choices. I love my guy.

My infertile friend has her first IUI scheduled for March. She's using my RE. I went to the office with her (that's when I dropped off my meds). I really love my RE staff. It was nice to see them and they are all so supportive. No pressure from them at all to cycle again. I am really happy for her and hope she'll have success with her first ART procedure, unlike so many of us. It's hard to be hopeful for her because I know the pain and disappointment that come with ART. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

I love you all and hope all my new mommies hold your babies extra close tonight and remember all of us still in ART hell, and all my pregnant ladies are happy and still grateful for their success, and to all my gals still waiting...it sucks.

That pretty much sums it all up!

Secret Decision

I've made a secret decision.

I haven't discussed it with my husband yet.

Just my therapist.

Now I am going to confess to blogland...

I am not doing another fresh cycle until August.

I am not made of the same stuff some of you IVFers are. I can't jump from cycle to cycle -- disappoint met to disappointment. You're all so strong.

I know the odds say - more IVF cycles = greater chance of conception.

But I am still too broken.

For now I am concentrating on work and my health.

I am giving my meds to my clinic to give to a non-insured client. I can't look at them any longer.

I just have to find the courage to tell Harry. I don't know how he'll react.

Stand Back Woman Having Emotional Breakdown in Baby Aisle

It was a normal shopping experience at that store with the bulls eye logo.

Harry and I putter around the store picking up needed items.

Your normal average day.

Until I wonder over to the baby aisle. Normally I am okay in this often unknown territory, but if I go there looking for my little nephew, I usually have no problem.

I always love to pick him out little onesies with cool logos like:

Spit Happens

or

Bald is Beautiful

But on this day I saw this...

there it was, a little pink onesies. I was paralyzed and overwhelmed with emotions. This little pink snappy shirt thing brought me to an emotional ball of tears and snot in less than 2 seconds.

I took a picture with my camera phone. I wanted to buy it but have a major aversion to buying any personal baby products. So there is stayed. On its little baby hanger.

Little baby you are worth the wait.

I am just tired of waiting.

No News

We haven't heard a single thing about the possible adoption.

I am okay with that.

I sent a letter off but haven't heard back from either my brother's girlfriend (the cousin of the birth mother) or the birth mother.

It's a little dissappointing but no where near as heart breaking as a BFN.

We're okay, saddened by the lack of news, but okay.

I am working on improving my physical health. So far so good. Don't know when the next cycle will be. Most likely not until the summer or fall.

I am still reading you.

Dazed and Confused

Harry and I are still both in some sort of hazy dream world.

It's as if this is happening to someone else and we're merely observers.

Neither of us has really even considered that it will really happen.

I think we're operating under the, "Oh, wouldn't that be nice if..."

To scared to even consider the possibility.

We don't even use the "A" word. Instead we refer to it as "That Thing"

I can hear Harry's heart yearning to hope and wanting to jump feet first into excitement.

I sent a letter to the birth mother. I may post bits of the letter later.

Now we're in a 2ww of sorts.

New Year's Eve Miracle

I can't even believe my fingers are typing this post.

Harry and I were on our way to my parent's home for New Year's Eve when I got a phone call.

My brother's girlfriend wanted to know if Harry and I were interested in adopting her cousin's baby.

Her cousin, let's call her Jossie, is 17 in high school and planning on putting the baby up for adoption. All she wants is for the baby to go to a Christian Home.

Harry and I are shell shocked. We're still processing what this would mean. There's no guarantee that we would be chosen....

but....

the possibility.....

It's a boy - due in February....

Yeah, shell shocked.