Thursday, August 10, 2006

The Annual

It seems unfair that after all the invasive poking and prodding of IVF tests and procedures that one would have to show up for her annual OBGYN exam.

Well I did.

It's been awhile since I remembered what the downstairs is really for so I'd put it from my mind.

I rarely gave the impending appointment much thought. Never thinking about what it would mean to be back in those stirrups.

It happened so fast...

There I was in the blue gown, naked, on the exam table waiting for the doctor to come in.

All this after the nurse had interrogated me...

last day of menses -- July 26
Pregnant -- no
sure -- yeah pretty sure
contraception - uh, no

Sitting and waiting. Trying desperately to convince myself that everything will be fine... that the annual is nothing like the other tests and procedures I've endured... I am ok.

Nice OBGYN comes into to room-- small talk...

Legs up and I can't breath

"Doctor, I thought I was going to be okay, but I don't think I can do this..."
"oh, no,"

It was that speculum. I hate that thing. It's like a rib spreader. It opens me wide - bares my soul - exposes my heart - makes me vulnerable. I am not protected.

I hate the speculum

I eventually did the exam and it was nothing. Quick and efficient. I have a great doctor.

just lying there with my feet in the stirrups I know I am not nearly ready to begin again. But I made it through the exam. That doesn't change how I feel.

I still hate the speculum.


Sarah said...

I'm with you on the speculum! It sends a shiver of fear down my spine just thinking about it. Good to hear that you survived

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I hate the speculum too Jenny. I am glad that you made it through your appointment okay.

Barely Sane said...

Aaaack! I totally agree with you! Oh, I just hate every aspect of "THE ANNUAL".

At least you made it thru the ordeal. Look at it this way, you wont have another one for a full year!!!

formerteacher said...

I agree about that speculum---UGH!!! You are really a good person. I haven't even made my annual appt. in almost 4 years. I know, I know, but like you said, after having everyone poking and prodding me with infertility, I needed to take a break. I still haven't been able to bring myself to make that damn appt. Too many bad memories.

Bea said...

Annual appointment? Now there's a concept.

Still, at least that's over for you.

And if you're not ready - well, I think that's just fine. It takes a lot to set yourself up for another round sometimes.


soralis said...

I am with you ont that nasty thing!

Glad you made it through your appt.

Take care

serenity said...

Yeah, I've been putting off my annual too for the past two years. In fact, I was rude to the last person who called me to remind me I needed it... basically nicely told her to fvck off. :)

For me, it's less about the speculum and more about the stirrups. I HATE stirrups.

Good for you for making it through it.

Angie said...

I feel so uncomfortable during the whole visit. Glad to hear that you made it through okay!

Just another Jenny said...

I am with you girl. I hate that damn thing. It's the damn clicking and pinching I hate.