My Last Day

Today is the last day.

Tomorrow I begin the tumultuous journey of IVF/ISCI #2

I start lu.pron and prometrium tomorrow.

Why pr.ometrium you ask...

well.....

I didn't ovulate this month. I haven't ovulated the past 3 months. Before that I was doing really good. 27-28 day cycles -- then the ovaries gave up the ghost.

I think my body is sabotaging me. Right when I want to start my cycle it starts to act up!

So I start the lupr.on and wait for AF to show up after the prometrium.

I am still very anxious and completely terrified that this cycle will still leave us empty handed. I am still extremely stressed about the whole egg retrieval. I am just trying to take it one step at a time.

We are going to freeze any extra 5 day embryos. (Thanks for all the advice) My parents (God bless them) have offered to help cover the costs. "It's our grandbaby" they said.

Please, please let this one be the grandbaby!

I am off to Orlando for a week! See you all when I get back.

Torn

I really don't know what to do.

I am torn between doing IVF/ISCI #2 and waiting.

The enormous cryo fees have really thrown Harry and I off. I hate that finances play such a huge roll in our quest for a child. Here are our options

1. Proceed with IVF/ISCI #2 and continue to plunge deeper into debt.
2. Postpone IVF/ISCI #2 until more financially secure.
3. Try an IUI - Much less expensive and no need for cryo - however not sure if it's even worth the time.

I really don't know what to do. Harry suggested doing IVF/ISCI #2 without preserving left over embryos and took one look at me and changed his song.

I really don't know what to do and I need to make a decision cause AF is on her way.

The Consultation

I had my consult with my RE this morning.

Sitting in the car waiting to go into the building I had a mild panic attack. My anxiety is through the roof. Even sitting here typing I feel extremely anxious and overwhelmed.

The consult went well. We went over my menstrual cycles and my last IVF.

There have been some ART advances at my clinic since my last cycle.

Instead of PIO there is a new progesterone made specifically for vaginal use and it comes with an applicator! So good bye PIO! Man those hurt! And the Dr. thinks we can combine all my meds into one injection at night. So that is a blessing!

My RE is working with a new lab so she will have to talk to their anesthesiologist about my case. The cyro rates for the new clinic are double the old clinic. That throws another wrench into the situation. I don't know if we can afford to cryo preserve our embryos.

We also talked about 3 day verses 5 day transfer. I want a 5 day transfer. If those embryos can make it 5 days in a petri dish then I am willing to emotionally commit to them.

I am stressed about the emotional and financial commitment. I am not feeling too good about jumping on this emotional roller coaster again.

Left Behind

Preface:

If you are a friend or family member and you know I am talking about you please don't be offended. I love you and don't want you to feel guilty or bad at all! I need this blog and I need to get these words out.... words I could never utter with my lips...only here in this refuge.

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Today I received the greatest news!

A dear friend of mine is pregnant. She has been trying for a while, undergone some ART, and found out that she is pregnant!

I am overwhelmed with joy for her and her husband.

She feels a little guilty - you know survivor's guilt.

We've always joked about being pregnant together. She planned another ART cycle this month and we hoped that my upcoming IVF/ISCI in August would result in a conception and we would be pregnant together.

I am so happy for her but even more aware of my own pain and emptiness. She was the one person who knew what it's like to be on this side. And now she's gone.

My fear and trepidation about the upcoming cycle is even greater now. I really feel so overwhelmed with the thought of failure that it paralyzes me.

I know if I don't try it will never happen. Because you see it happens for everyone else except me.

Am I Really Doing This?

I made the call

CD 8 today. Start Lupron on CD 21

Scared shitless