A Different Kind of Journey

I am starting a different journey.

I am not finished with the journey through infertility but it's being postponed.

I am on a weight loss to health journey.

As much as I want a child now I know that I cannot and should not get pregnant at this weight. It pains me to postpone my IF journey but if I want to find success I need to start and finish my weight loss journey first.

I had a consult yesterday for ga.st.ric ban.din..g.

It was great and I really like my doctor. For the first time I feel like I have some control of my life and I will reach a goal I've set for myself.

I am excited and hopeful that the band will help not only with weight loss but with PCOS as well.

My doc seems to think so too - granted he is no RE but he's a fatty specialist.

So, things are in motion for the surgery. Don't have any specifics (much like starting ART) but I am excited and very, very hopeful.

I haven't decided if I'll continue posting here or if I'll start a new blog. Whichever choice I make I'll be sure to let you know!

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I am a part-time consultant for one of those home based businesses. I originally started the part time business to help with the costs of ART. You know the one where you go to your friends home and host a party and people buy things. You know the cookware company that loves to pamper its cooks? ;)

So, I wanted to invite all my blogger friends to a virtual party! If you'd like to purchase anything please send me an e-mail to sunny_jenny05486atyahoo.com and I'll send you a link to the website. I can ship to anywhere in the US and Canada! I also have great gift ideas for under $10.

Thanks for the support!

Broken

Blood work confirmed what I knew in my heart.

I feel like a broken record but really, "I don't know how many more failed cycles I can take."

It is so heartbreaking and drains every bit of hope, encouragement, life, joy, and peace out of my soul. I am left as a shadow, a shell of who I am.

I am not doing very well at hiding it anymore. People ask me how I am doing and I say,

"Fine." but they know I am not and often remind me that I don't look "fine".

I am so tired-- so worn out-- so beat up.

We're taking a break. I want to try to enjoy my favorite time of year. I want to focus on my family and friends and enjoy this holiday season.

Harry is going to see a urologist. We need to figure out what is going on with his swimmers.

I am trying to start up my exercise and healthy eating. I NEED TO LOOSE WEIGHT! I know this beyond any doubt. Because even if I get pregnant again my PCOS may not let me stay pregnant.

It's so hard. I had planned to get up and exercise this morning-- but once again hit the snooze. Why can't I just do it? If I really want a baby so badly why can't I do what I know will help increase my chances? WHY! -- I am so desperate I am even considering gastri.c. ba.nd.ing.

I am just feeling so utterly hopeless and useless right now.

Negative

HPT says not pregnant.

Funk

I am in a funk.

I don't think I am pregnant.

I am so freakin' tired of all this crap.

I just want a baby.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. How much more hope I can loose.

I am so drained. SO stinkin' tired.

Harry is sure we'll be parents one day. I am not so sure.

I feel totally hopeless...

I am symptom less. Don't really feel anything.

Why do so many people around me get to be pregnant but not me. Why?

I am so sick and tired of smiling to cover my pain.

It hurts.

Chooo Chooo!!!!!!

I did it!!

I ordered these!

I can't wait any longer!! I have to know!!

Surrounded

I am surrounded by pregnant women.

They're in the bookstore.

They're in the grocery check-out line.

They're in the elevator going to my RE's.

They're popping up everywhere! Why does it seem like everyone is getting pregnant...

Everyone but me....

It's really kind of commical. I knew I wasn't imagining things when Harry commented,

"What's with all the pregnant women?"

I found out last night that another friend is pregnant.

I found out from someone else. In the middle of a meeting. Not good.

I held it together. I am surprised. Maybe it's because she already has two little girls. But it still stings.

It stings to see so many people around me getting to have what I so desperately want. The jealousy is tortuous.

And now Giada announces she's pregnant! If Rachel announces she's pregnant, I'll loose it for sure!

Surrounded, I tell you!

3 dpiui

Lying in bed, the night before our last IUI, snuggled close to Harry; when completely out of the blue he says;

“CHOOO-CHOOO! All aboard the crazy train!”

How nice! My dear husband is prepared for this crazy 2 ww! I think he’s finally getting an idea of what it’s like to be the vessel of this insanity.

I strangely feel nothing. My left ovary is still a little sensitive but I feel nothing.

Our RE RN said, “It’s looked better” when asked about Harry’s sample.

I am not making any assumptions this cycle – after last month’s debacle – I am not going there again.