Blogger Block

I have blogger block...

I don't know what to blog about!

I am so unemotionally involved in this FET. I don't even care...

I am just doing it because I don't want to pay to move the frosties.

What does that make me?

I feel as if I should have detailed posts about my cycle with E2 levels and lining and such... but I have nothing to say...

It's a crap shoot

I do have this to say... Lupron turn me into the Incredible pink Hulk.... I am a raving lunatic that has no fuse at all. It's my Jekyll.

Stay out of my way . . .

And So It Begins . . . Again!

Lupron injections start tonight . . .

Not looking forward to being hormonally controlled once again.

When I started IVF I never really noticed the affect the hormones had on my until I stopped the treatments. Once those hormones left my body I felt so different. More like me.

I am still dragging my heels. Afraid to emotionally commit.

Well the next time you see me I'll be a a hormonal psychopath!

Change of Heart

We're back from a lovely mini-vacation. Well I don't know if it really is considered a vacation when you visit family but we loved it! Harry and I went to visit my brother and sister-in-law and perfect little 6 1/2 month old nephew. What a heart breaker! He is so precious and I love him immensely! I'll tell you what though it is exhausting having a baby around! But so worth it!

Harry was playing with little button and looked up at me and said, "I am glad we're doing a thingy now" (of course he doesn't know any of the ART terms or procedures... he just jizzes and injects upone request). He's going to make a great dad.

Went in for blood work today. Looks like I'll be starting the Lurpon any day now! I have to say I am getting very nervous about another cycle. I try not to think about it. I am much more removed this go around.

The Decision

Harry and I have come to a decision.

We're doing the FET.

I called my RE RN this week to talk over some of our thoughts and worries. Let me just say I love my clinic! In their negotiation with the new lab, they made sure to explain my case and made sure that if I ever undergo another ER I won't have an epidural but will be under general anesthesia. I am so blessed to have a doctor, nurse, and staff that genuinely care for me! I love them to bits!

I went in for blood work this morning. I'll probably start Lupron in the next week.

So, in my conversation with my RE RN she advised us to use the frosties. We have two 4 cell and two 3 cell frosties...

Number 3 is the much loved "elephant boy" embryo. -- my little underachievers...
I am very distant this cycle. Not excepting the quartet to survive the thaw but willing to give them the chance for life. Harry is supportive and is willing to hope for one more FET.

On another note we're house shopping! Well actually shitty condo shopping. That's all we can afford in this highly over priced housing market. But it will be our shitty condo!

The Letter

Don't you know just when you're plugging along doing fine, finally getting some peace in the IVF world ...

A letter comes from out of no where to pull the rug right from underneath you!

Our RE has decided to change labs. We have 4 frosties at said lab. So Harry and I have a major decision to make just at a point where we don't want to make any reproductive decisions. YES!

Here are our options:
1. Destroy our frosties
2. Undergo a FET before October 1 at current lab
3. Have frosties moved to new lab and pay transportation costs
4. Do nothing and abandon our frosties

We can't come to an amicable decision. Our 4 frosties are the bottom of the embryo barrel. Matter of fact I don't expect them to survive the thaw. But you know what, they're my frosties and I love them. Harry wants to move onto a fresh cycle and abandon the 4 underachievers.

I am stressing about making a decision, rushing into a FET, and possibly impending marital discord in my home.

decisions, decisions, decisions . . .

Free Advice

My therapist gave me this book to read.



Conquering Infertility: Dr. Alice Domar's Mind/Body Guide to Enhancing Fertility and Coping with Infertility

On the first page I found myself. It's unbelievable. If you're still in the trenches get this book. What other great books have helped you?

The Annual

It seems unfair that after all the invasive poking and prodding of IVF tests and procedures that one would have to show up for her annual OBGYN exam.

Well I did.

It's been awhile since I remembered what the downstairs is really for so I'd put it from my mind.

I rarely gave the impending appointment much thought. Never thinking about what it would mean to be back in those stirrups.

It happened so fast...

There I was in the blue gown, naked, on the exam table waiting for the doctor to come in.

All this after the nurse had interrogated me...

last day of menses -- July 26
Pregnant -- no
sure -- yeah pretty sure
contraception - uh, no

Sitting and waiting. Trying desperately to convince myself that everything will be fine... that the annual is nothing like the other tests and procedures I've endured... I am ok.

Nice OBGYN comes into to room-- small talk...

Legs up and I can't breath

"Doctor, I thought I was going to be okay, but I don't think I can do this..."
"oh, no,"

It was that speculum. I hate that thing. It's like a rib spreader. It opens me wide - bares my soul - exposes my heart - makes me vulnerable. I am not protected.

I hate the speculum

I eventually did the exam and it was nothing. Quick and efficient. I have a great doctor.

just lying there with my feet in the stirrups I know I am not nearly ready to begin again. But I made it through the exam. That doesn't change how I feel.

I still hate the speculum.

On My Way Back . . .

I am starting to think about thinking about another FET...

Therapy is so amazing and if you're not talking to someone about the whole ART process then do! It really has made a difference in my life!

Taking a break has been so necessary! Six months of going through a failed IVF cycle and FET really took its toll on me. It has been such a blessing to just get back to being me...

I've started to read blogs again. I can read about your lives and not be overwhelmed with emotions. So, that's a good thing.

Not much to say on the IVF front...

If you'd like to post a comment to update me that would be great! I don't know how much I've missed! Hopefully someone out there has had some success with ART!