Sinking In...

Very slowly I am realizing that all my frosties are gone...

I am starting all over.

No guarantee of maybe babies frozen in time . . .

I can't believe none of them are my baby. . .

Not one . . .

Can I do this again...

What if IVF/ISCI #2 ends up the same way?

How much can one person take?

There is no more hope for the 12. They're all gone. I wonder what happened to my last three underachievers? How did they end? Were they treated with dignity? With respect? The potential for human life. Were they flushed down the sink with the technician's cold Starbucks? Did they know I believed in them? Did they know I loved them?

Why didn't I let them die in my womb? Why did they have to die in that cold dish?

My pastor says there is grace and forgiveness.

I am not worried about forgiveness.

I am worried about regret.

Say Good Bye to Elephant Boy

None of our three embryos developed overnight.

RE called this morning with the news.

They were alive -- but not growing or "cleaved"

She said we could go ahead with the transfer but our chances of implantation were next to none. She was concerned for my well being and the turmoil of the 2ww hoping for something that was near impossible.

My RE said she's seen embryos like this and had never had a pregnancy before.

Harry and I discussed it and decided to pass on the transfer and say good bye to all 12 of April 06 embryos.

I can't believe they're all dead. All 12 of them. DEAD

As you can imagine I am emotionally devastated. I've talked to my therapist already.

Harry and I are going to spend the day together. Doing what I don't know.

Thanks for all the care and support. I don't know what's next -- well a fresh cycle is next -- I just don't know when.

How I Got Thrown Out of W*LM*RT

Yes, it's true.

I was ejected from the premisses.

The Incredible Pink Hulk returned!

Thus our drama unfolds:

Harry and I purchased tires from W*LM*RT about 18 months ago. We purchased a tire protection plan that would allow protect us should we get a flat or any other hazard. All we had to do was come into our local W*LM*RT and have the tire repaired for free.

About 6 weeks ago Harry got a flat. So he took the tire into our local W*LM*RT for repair. He was told by one of their technicians that the tire was rotted and we needed to order new tires. We could order the tires and then have them sent to our local store.

So we did this.

Harry was notified that the tires had arrived. So he went in on Saturday to have his tires replaced.

First Harry was told he had ordered the wrong tires. But luckily for us they had a pair of our tires that a customer never picked up. Then the technician questions Harry on whether or not he is sure that the tires are corroded.

“Sir, how do you know your tires need replacing” questions the impudent technician.

“Well, because YOU told me to order new tires” replies Harry.

“Well, the technician may have made a mistake. He may have been on of our newer technicians and been over zealous” interjects the technician.

“Look, I just want my tires repaired or replaced. If they’re good then fine repair the one that is flat. IF they’re bad please put the new tires on.”

“Ok” says the technician – “It will be 3 hours.”

So, three hours later I return to pick up Harry’s car, after I had called to confirm that it was ready.

I arrive at the store and the lady at the register replies,

“The technician needs to speak with you.”

The technician arrives and says,

“Mame, your tires are rotted you need new tires.”

I couldn’t believe my ears. “YES, I know my tires are bad, that is why WE ORDERED NEW TIRES. So, you haven’t done anything to my car.”

“No.”

Needless to say I was fed up. The technician did offer to put the tires on my car. If I waited another hour. I got my car keys and left.

So, Sunday rolls around and Harry and I decide to go back and speak to the manager on duty and see if someone in leadership can help us out.

From the very beginning we were met with rudeness and made to feel as if we were a burden. The manager didn’t listen to what we had to say and kept interrupting us before we could tell our whole story. She would not let me tell her our experience and how we’ve been going round and round in a circle trying to get our tires replaced. Eventually she sends us back to the tire place with a note to discount our protection plan and replace our tires immediately.

So, Harry and I go back there and meet with the appropriate people. We are assured that our tires will be replaced in an hour to 90 minutes.

Harry and I go to lunch. Sitting at lunch we get a phone call.

“Mr. Harry, you ordered the wrong tires.”

We left lunch and went to pick up our car. I had the manager paged and 20 minutes later she arrived in a huff. If she had listened to me in the beginning she would have KNOWN we ordered the wrong tires and were using someone else’s tires.

She refused to listen even then and kept interrupting me.

“WE ARE TRYING TO HELP YOU” she kept saying..

That’s when I lost it and yelled at her:

“YOU ARE NOT HELPING ME, THIS IS NOT HELPING! THIS IS NOT CUSTOMER SERVIE!!!”

At which she then asked me to leave the store.

Harry tried to push me out but I continued to yell for her supervisors name and district manger as Harry drags me out of the store.

So, I have been kicked out of a W*LM*RT.

How do you like them apples? Two days before my FET- I get thrown out of a W*LM*ART.

I am never going there again! I am beging a campaign for managerial reform in W*LM*RT and I WILL GET AN APOLOGY from that store!

FET UPDATE:

Tomorrow is the FET.

I got the thaw report.

3 of the 4 frosteis made it. WHEW! I didn't know I was holding my breath until Lisa told me-- and I let out a huge sigh of relief.

BETA - October 6

Dirty Needles

Today is my birthday.

Good news is my frosties come from 30 year old ovaries.

I started my special day with a special wanding from my RE RN.

Really, could a girl ask for anything more on her special day!

Overall I've had a lovely day.

Many happy wishes and news that my uterus is nice and ready for the transfer next Tuesday.

Harry is now cooking dinner for me :) and I think I have an erotic back rub in the cards!

I am out of small needles. I have one more injection of Lupron....

What's a girl to do?

Use a dirty needle that's what!

I went to the pharmacy to ask about purchasing just one needle-- that's all I need.

Nope I jhave to buy a whole pack...$13.00 -

Now that may seem like a trival amout compared to all the cash we've dished out for IVF but still it's the principle!

So, my romantic birthday eveing will consist of a homemade husband cooked meal, eaten naked over candle light, an erotic back massage, and a dirty needle.

What more can a girl ask for!

Those Were the Days . . .

Therapy ... It does a body good...

Yesterday's session was very therapeutic... which is good.. cause it's called therapy!

I spoke about how I live most of my life looking back with regret or looking forward with anticipation and a type of deformed hope. While all the while I feel as if my life is slipping through my hands.

Time is ticking away. . .

So, begining in my pensive state I looked at my blog all the way back to the beginning. I thought I'd repost a blog entry from the beginning for kicks and giggles...

First IVF Meeting
Dh and I met with our RE RN on Friday, January 6 for our IVF orientation. Going into meeting I think we were both a little apprehensive. We still didn't know what to expect. I had gone to an appointment on Wednesday with the RE but she just gave me a brief overview. I think that I was too excited to let anything sink in either.

Now that dh and I were sitting across the table from the RE RN and had a notebook opened (our IVF notebook) in front of us it all became a little too real.All my life I knew I wanted to be a mom. When I was little I use to pretend I was pregnant. I'd stick a pillow up my shirt arch my back and walk around like a pregnant lady. I use to make my Barbies pregnant too.

Being married and watching my dh interact with babies and children made me want to be a mom even more. Seeing his eyes light up talking or playing with his nephew really touched me and stirs in me the desire to give him a child. I want to hold his baby in my arms. I want a part of me and a part of him to create this special person whom we both can love and cherish. I want that more than anything.

The RE RN starts going over all the paper work. She tells me that the injections I am on during IVF can kill me. YIKES. Because of my PCOS my ovaries can over produce and cause some water retention and other problems I really don't understand yet. She has to go over all the possible side effects and then dh and I have to agree not to sue the IVF people if I die or get hurt. Then the RE RN whips out the injection kit and starts talking about all the shots all I need. How to mix this med with that med, which one to take when, how to use the epi pen, and someother stuff I am desperatly trying to save to memory.

I really am trying to concentrate but everything is swimming around and I feel like I am drowning. It's all too much to comprehend. I ask her if she can draw me some pictures. I have no idea how I am going to get any of this right. I know I am going to end up killing myself with the wrong hormone. She can see my distress and offers a refresher course once I get all my meds. She's a doll. She also shares that she went through IVF back in the day and has two teenagers to prove it.

That's comforting.

I ask if I can have her home phone number.

I have to have two more tests. One where they put water in my uterus to check it out and then the false implant test. I wish I knew the lingo. I am sure I will eventually. One of them scares me. Here's the thing I am a sissy when it comes to pain. Thankfully I don't really have cramps or suffered during TOM. I have no idea how I am going to make it through these tests and injections. It's overwhelming. I feel clueless and completely alone. I know my dh is supportive and there for me but honestly my body is going through this all alone.

As we continue through the paper work RE RN tells us that embryos that aren't implanted can be frozen. I ask, "does insurance cover this". No. It will cost $1360.00 to freeze our potential children and then $360.00 a year in rent. Nice. But still that beats having to go through the egg retrieval and everything all over again. Then the RE RN drops the bomb that PCOS patients have a higher rate of miscarriage than non-PCOS patients. News to me. So I am even more freaked out. So I ask how many times will insurance cover the IVF cycle. She thinks 3 times per live birth. So we get three chances then we've hit the end of the road.

So we leave the office a little bewildered. I think Dh is less affected than I am. We kiss good bye and go back to our respective jobs. Everything I've heard in the pass 3 days goes over and over in my mind...I could die....I could not conceived...I have a greater chance of miscarrying...I could get the swollen ovary thingy...I have to mix all these hormones and inject myself 3 times a day...they're going to Peirce my uterus....My body could reject the whole IVF process...I am being put in a psudemenopausal condition...I am freaking out. To top it off I had to leave that afternoon for a weekend work thingy.

So all weekend I am alone and all theses things are going over and over and over in my mind. I don't think I can do it. I don't think I am strong enough.I have a dream where I tell my mom I am scared...she tells me to suck it up cause she wants a grandchild...Whenever I express doubt or concern about the IVF process dh says,

"We don't have to have a child."

BUT WE DO!

My life would not be complete without being a mom.I have this mixed up feeling inside me. I feel so blessed that we have insurance and an awesome IVF clinic. We love our doctor and nurses. But at the same time I feel cursed because IVF is our only option for conception. I feel like I am betraying my body...I came home yesterday and saw that dh had bought two books on being a dad and helping wife through her pregnancy. It's the first time I realized I am not alone. I realized the only way I'll make it through is to take the IVF process one step at time. If look at the whole picture it is completely overwhelming.

So, here's my New Year's resolution.

One step at a time

Ah, the good old days....

You gotta laugh at my naivtivty. Injections - my biggestest hurdle!

I think as we move along through the whole IVF process we discover that our hurdles get bigger each time.

Some hurdles I've jumped --or fell over:

• Accepting the IVF journey
• Understanding the process
• learning the lingo
• THE MEDS- learning about mixing, injecting, and where to get rid of your sharps box
• The STIMS
• The ER
• Making it to transfer
• Post BETA
• FET
• POST FET BETA

Hurddles I have yet to jump

• Getting knocked up
• first ultra sound
• second ultra sound
• making past the 12 week mark
• 2nd trimester
• 3rd trimester
• Labor and Delivery
• taking home baby

There are probably many more hurdles in front of me I have yet to conceive and probably a few you all could add.

Looking back I am amazed at where I am ... I never thought I'd be here!

Well that's enough looking back...

Let's try being

No Stinking Thinking

Now that's a concept.

Think positive!

Well look where positive thinking has gotten me.

I am pretty negative these days. Morbid and negative, cynical too.

Went in to the RE office for my CD 3 blood work. I really do love my RE RN and Lisa too! They're so great and hopeful.

We scheduled the FET for the end of the month. Got my dates and originally was scheduled for the FET the day after my birthday.

"What a nice birthday present!" commented the RE RN.

Oh, yeah I'll be 31- don't my odds go down :(

"Oh, come on this one's gonna work." was her response

My response... an impetuous, muffled guffaw

Sitting in my car on my way to work, I realize-- great I 'll get the thaw report on my birthday -- and it will go something like this ---

"Sorry Mrs. Sunny Jenny, your last four embryos didn't survive the thaw. They're all dead."

Now that's more like the birthday I am expecting.

No stinking thinking

Well something sure does smell over here

I did end up changing my FET for four days later (work conflict). Oh yeah I did!

I am working on this stinking thinking -- anybody with good advice -- basically my SIL and therapist-- have encouraged me to stop stinking up the place.

The book I am reading encourages "being present" So much of my mental time is spent reliving failures or envisioning the future that I am missing out on the present. Time is passing by and I am not even here. I am stuck mourning a past or looking to a future I fear I will never have.

So I am working on moving down to smelly thinking.

Hey, it's a process.

I Know What You're Going Through . . .

Those were the last words my mother spoke to me before I emotionally exploded.

I've never had what I would consider a normal relationship with my mother.

Growing up she was very domineering and controlling, emotionally abusive and manipulative, and sometimes physically abusive.

It's been a hard road.

Since my independence day (the day I left for college) our relationship has morphed. She no longer can control my choices by executing her maternal authority.

Her weapon of choice

emotional terrorism

She's completely self absorbed and thinks the whole world revolves around her.

She's the type of person who always has a story about how she went through something similar or how she has it worse.

For the most part I put up with it. Time after time when she hurts me with her lack of interest in my life or her inability to understand or empathize.

She called me Friday ... I think it was Friday

Like every conversation she starts out.. "what are you doing?"

She asks probing questions that give a false facade to lead me to believe that maybe she really is interested in my life. But the questions are only there to open the door so she can tell you about her life.

She asks

So I tell her

"Harry and I aren't going to buy a house because when can't afford IVF and a mortgage."

Thus begins the 5 minute diatribe about how she struggled with a mortgage. How hard it was for her to balance bills and a mortgage.

At first I thought about interjecting but then thought...

"I wonder if I am silent, how long will she go on for without any response from me?"

I remember thinking how my SIL and I would get a giggle over how long before my mother said, "Are you there?"

1 minute,

2 minutes,

3 minutes

how long would it take?

After 5 minutes she was still on a roll. I heard her harrowing story of how she refinance her car loan to buy groceries, how she had to get a job because my dad's check didn't cut it.

I listened in silence

until she uttered these words . . .

"So, I know exactly what you're going through . . .

At first I sat there in shock... did she say what I think she said... she still was babbling on about her emphatic knowledge when my body ignited in a rage I don't think I've ever felt before.

The Incredible Pink Hulk erupted in a torrent of tears, sobs, and screams . . .

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT

I AM GOING THROUGH!!



YOU NEVER HAD TO CHOOSE

BETWEEN A BABY

AND OWNING A HOME!!

The rest is a blur. Harry came running into the room to find me sobbing uncontrollably in a huddled mess with the phone extended in my hand unable to answer his requests.

I don't want her to know what I am going through

She can't know... No one can know...

All I want is a sympathetic ear, a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on...

All I've ever wanted was someone who cared about me . . .

One or the Other

You may recall me mentioning that Harry and I were looking at the housing market. Hoping to move from our too small two bedroom apartment into a home. We we're all set, we even found a property that we qualified for and we're ready to make an offer!

Until we remembered IVF

See our IVF expenses don't show up on a credit report...

What we pay for medication, co-pays, and insurance....

Our IVF expenses make up the difference that we would need each month to pay the mortgage.

It's one or the other

IVF or a mortgage...

We've wanted our own home for so long now and have really been over burdened financially... just when we see our way out of it.. bang! Ha ha ah!

did we really think ANYTHING would come easy for us...

Our options

a maybe baby in an apartment (cause there is no guarantee that we'll EVER get pregnant)

or childless in a home