Friday, September 08, 2006

No Stinking Thinking

Now that's a concept.

Think positive!

Well look where positive thinking has gotten me.

I am pretty negative these days. Morbid and negative, cynical too.

Went in to the RE office for my CD 3 blood work. I really do love my RE RN and Lisa too! They're so great and hopeful.

We scheduled the FET for the end of the month. Got my dates and originally was scheduled for the FET the day after my birthday.

"What a nice birthday present!" commented the RE RN.

Oh, yeah I'll be 31- don't my odds go down :(

"Oh, come on this one's gonna work." was her response

My response... an impetuous, muffled guffaw

Sitting in my car on my way to work, I realize-- great I 'll get the thaw report on my birthday -- and it will go something like this ---

"Sorry Mrs. Sunny Jenny, your last four embryos didn't survive the thaw. They're all dead."

Now that's more like the birthday I am expecting.

No stinking thinking

Well something sure does smell over here

I did end up changing my FET for four days later (work conflict). Oh yeah I did!

I am working on this stinking thinking -- anybody with good advice -- basically my SIL and therapist-- have encouraged me to stop stinking up the place.

The book I am reading encourages "being present" So much of my mental time is spent reliving failures or envisioning the future that I am missing out on the present. Time is passing by and I am not even here. I am stuck mourning a past or looking to a future I fear I will never have.

So I am working on moving down to smelly thinking.

Hey, it's a process.


Squirelguirrel said...

I love the concept of being present. That is cool - I am in serious ponder mode.

You are in my heart!

Bea said...

If you can "be present" instead of past or, worse, future (because the future is so uncertain and the possibilities so diverse it sends me crazy really really quickly) then it works well.

But it's hard. And it gets frustrating.

I guess I find it the lesser of all sucky things. If I can do it.


formerteacher said...

That was me. I could not get past the hurt and the unfairness of what was happening. I had several people tell me this when I couldn't get pregnant. It is hard to live in the present. It makes so much sense to try to do so, but it's hard when so much is going on that you can't see beyond what is happening in your own life. My mom told me I was isolating myself. I wouldn't go to baby showers anymore, hurt too much, I wouldn't be around people who had kids because I felt so different from them. They had a future; they knew what direction their lives were going in. I was in limbo, and just stuck.
Slowly I tried to come out of it, and it was hard. I isolated myself less, and it did help. Infertility is just so hard. Nothing else made me feel so powerless and out-of-control.

I hope you are able to do this. You are more than your infertility. You are more than FETs and b/w and shots. I wish you peace (and a positive hpt very soon.)

Angie said...

I really hope this FET cycle is the one!

serenity said...

yeah. Staying in the present - if you can do it - definitely a good thing. Like Bea said though - it's tough.

I am hoping for you. Hoping really HARD.

Anonymous said...

Jenny making the actual decision to be more present is an enormous leap. Once I decided to do so, it took me six months (and there were many, many lapses). It's very difficult to do, especially during a treatment cycle. You have so much to fear, so much on the line, so much turmoil to handle. Treatment cycles are no joke... they are traumatic. All of them are traumatic except for the ONE that is successful... it's the possibility of that success that keeps us going (even when we can't muster the energy to be positive).

One thing that helped me to get started on being in the present was visualization. I would set my alarm fifteen minutes earlier than normal, and hit snooze. Instead of falling back into a hard sleep, I forced myself to visualize a good day. I organized my thoughts according to the plan for the day and visualized everything going right -- from having a nice shower, to choosing a good outfit, to doing my makeup well, to having a relaxing ride to work... it's in the details, living in the present.

Breathe. Breathing helped me a lot. When you find yourself stinking, focus on slow, deep breaths. Pay attention to the sound of the inhalation, take note of the physical feeling of your lungs filling, push the exhalation slowly and purposefully. Try to completely empty your lungs. Breathing helped me stay on track.

Good luck. Good luck with living in the present, and good luck with your cycle. I just rubbed three eyelashes from my eyelid, and wished for you on all of them. May you accomplish your goal of being present, may you find peace, may your dream come true...

Just another Jenny said...

I'm hoping/praying that you get a good 31st b-day present like I did.

Just another Jenny said...

Something stinky for you, you've been tagged!