CLICK HERE FOR THOUSANDS OF FREE BLOGGER TEMPLATES »

Friday, September 29, 2006

Sinking In...

Very slowly I am realizing that all my frosties are gone...

I am starting all over.

No guarantee of maybe babies frozen in time . . .




I can't believe none of them are my baby. . .

Not one . . .

Can I do this again...

What if IVF/ISCI #2 ends up the same way?

How much can one person take?

There is no more hope for the 12. They're all gone. I wonder what happened to my last three underachievers? How did they end? Were they treated with dignity? With respect? The potential for human life. Were they flushed down the sink with the technician's cold Starbucks? Did they know I believed in them? Did they know I loved them?

Why didn't I let them die in my womb? Why did they have to die in that cold dish?

My pastor says there is grace and forgiveness.

I am not worried about forgiveness.

I am worried about regret.

16 comments:

steph said...

So sorry to hear this news. I often wondered how they discard them,too. I've had many stall and no real explanation. I guess that's where science ends and Mother Nature kicks in. She's a real bitch in my book these days!!

We, meaning I, decided I had to try a second time. I knew how hard IVF #1 was, but that I would regret not trying one more time just in case the first failure was a fluke. They were able to transfer three embies, but all the rest 'died'. Again. Now I wait until Monday to see if Harry, Moe, or Curly Sue stuck around. I am not optimistic. I also don't regret trying again one bit....

I hope you feel better and are able to make the right decision for you about what's next.

Sunnie said...

No decision that you made was wrong about what you chose to do with your embies. It is just sad that it ended up this way. I pray that you have peace. *hug*

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I am so sorry. What sad news. Take care sweetie. ((Hug))

Angie said...

I have no comforting words, but please know that I am thinking of you.

BIG HIUGS!

Just another Jenny said...

Oh damn Jenny, that picture breaks my heart. This is when I think having the pictures isn't such a great idea.

I really hope that you don't regret trying again, although I'm so sorry you have to.

sube said...

I've never had embryos make it to freezing, and it always makes me so sad to think about what happens to them. I can't imaging losing 12 at once. I'm so very sorry.

S said...

Oh Jenny, I am so sorry to hear this.

It just all sucks BIG time.

Just know that I'm thinking of you, whatever your decision.

serenity said...

*HUG*

I am so so sorry. :(

Hopeful Mother said...

This is a really difficult realization. It is sad to think about the potential lives that are no longer, but it is a fact of life even without IVF.

I hope that IVF/ICSI #2 turns about better for you. This is such a tough journey and there are often no easy answers.

Thinking of you, and hoping for the best.

Bea said...

Sunny J. I don't know what to say. I'm just so sorry to hear you sound like this. It's not a decision you made lightly (how could it be?) so I don't think you deserve to regret it.

Then again, you don't "deserve" any of this, so what does that have to do with things?

I just hope you're feeling better soon. That's all.

Bea

Watson said...

Hi,

I just found your blog, and wanted to leave a comment to say I'm so sorry, I can't imagine what you're going through.

Lisa said...

Just so very very sorry...

Spanglish said...

God knows you believed in them. He knows you loved them. Have no regrets. You've done nothing wrong.

Spanglish said...

This post resonated with me. Upon leaving my last comment, I made phone calls and did a little bit of research.

I hope I can offer a modicum of comfort when I tell you with absolute certainty that your embryos were not treated disrespectfully in the lab.

When ART was a brand new field the civic leaders, religious leaders, infertility patients, physicians, and advocates formed a committee to decide how to dispose of the cells. I do not know the methods used for disposal, but I can say with certainty that they did not get flushed down the sink (or flushed anywhere) with household garbage.

The scientists and the committee who came up with the guidelines for disposal did so with parameters in place to respect the experience of the patient who had high hopes for those cells. They came up with the guidelines because they were aware of the moral and controversial ramifications behind the issue of stem cells that could potentially be human life.

I wish your dozen cells could have been the answer to your dreams. I hope you don't regret not letting them go inside of you. You and your doctor's decision was the healthiest one you could make.

Beagle said...

I'm so very sorry.

soralis said...

I am so very sorry... sending you a big hug.