Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Those Were the Days . . .

Therapy ... It does a body good...

Yesterday's session was very therapeutic... which is good.. cause it's called therapy!

I spoke about how I live most of my life looking back with regret or looking forward with anticipation and a type of deformed hope. While all the while I feel as if my life is slipping through my hands.

Time is ticking away. . .

So, begining in my pensive state I looked at my blog all the way back to the beginning. I thought I'd repost a blog entry from the beginning for kicks and giggles...

First IVF Meeting
Dh and I met with our RE RN on Friday, January 6 for our IVF orientation. Going into meeting I think we were both a little apprehensive. We still didn't know what to expect. I had gone to an appointment on Wednesday with the RE but she just gave me a brief overview. I think that I was too excited to let anything sink in either.

Now that dh and I were sitting across the table from the RE RN and had a notebook opened (our IVF notebook) in front of us it all became a little too real.All my life I knew I wanted to be a mom. When I was little I use to pretend I was pregnant. I'd stick a pillow up my shirt arch my back and walk around like a pregnant lady. I use to make my Barbies pregnant too.

Being married and watching my dh interact with babies and children made me want to be a mom even more. Seeing his eyes light up talking or playing with his nephew really touched me and stirs in me the desire to give him a child. I want to hold his baby in my arms. I want a part of me and a part of him to create this special person whom we both can love and cherish. I want that more than anything.

The RE RN starts going over all the paper work. She tells me that the injections I am on during IVF can kill me. YIKES. Because of my PCOS my ovaries can over produce and cause some water retention and other problems I really don't understand yet. She has to go over all the possible side effects and then dh and I have to agree not to sue the IVF people if I die or get hurt. Then the RE RN whips out the injection kit and starts talking about all the shots all I need. How to mix this med with that med, which one to take when, how to use the epi pen, and someother stuff I am desperatly trying to save to memory.

I really am trying to concentrate but everything is swimming around and I feel like I am drowning. It's all too much to comprehend. I ask her if she can draw me some pictures. I have no idea how I am going to get any of this right. I know I am going to end up killing myself with the wrong hormone. She can see my distress and offers a refresher course once I get all my meds. She's a doll. She also shares that she went through IVF back in the day and has two teenagers to prove it.

That's comforting.

I ask if I can have her home phone number.

I have to have two more tests. One where they put water in my uterus to check it out and then the false implant test. I wish I knew the lingo. I am sure I will eventually. One of them scares me. Here's the thing I am a sissy when it comes to pain. Thankfully I don't really have cramps or suffered during TOM. I have no idea how I am going to make it through these tests and injections. It's overwhelming. I feel clueless and completely alone. I know my dh is supportive and there for me but honestly my body is going through this all alone.

As we continue through the paper work RE RN tells us that embryos that aren't implanted can be frozen. I ask, "does insurance cover this". No. It will cost $1360.00 to freeze our potential children and then $360.00 a year in rent. Nice. But still that beats having to go through the egg retrieval and everything all over again. Then the RE RN drops the bomb that PCOS patients have a higher rate of miscarriage than non-PCOS patients. News to me. So I am even more freaked out. So I ask how many times will insurance cover the IVF cycle. She thinks 3 times per live birth. So we get three chances then we've hit the end of the road.

So we leave the office a little bewildered. I think Dh is less affected than I am. We kiss good bye and go back to our respective jobs. Everything I've heard in the pass 3 days goes over and over in my mind...I could die....I could not conceived...I have a greater chance of miscarrying...I could get the swollen ovary thingy...I have to mix all these hormones and inject myself 3 times a day...they're going to Peirce my uterus....My body could reject the whole IVF process...I am being put in a psudemenopausal condition...I am freaking out. To top it off I had to leave that afternoon for a weekend work thingy.

So all weekend I am alone and all theses things are going over and over and over in my mind. I don't think I can do it. I don't think I am strong enough.I have a dream where I tell my mom I am scared...she tells me to suck it up cause she wants a grandchild...Whenever I express doubt or concern about the IVF process dh says,

"We don't have to have a child."


My life would not be complete without being a mom.I have this mixed up feeling inside me. I feel so blessed that we have insurance and an awesome IVF clinic. We love our doctor and nurses. But at the same time I feel cursed because IVF is our only option for conception. I feel like I am betraying my body...I came home yesterday and saw that dh had bought two books on being a dad and helping wife through her pregnancy. It's the first time I realized I am not alone. I realized the only way I'll make it through is to take the IVF process one step at time. If look at the whole picture it is completely overwhelming.

So, here's my New Year's resolution.

One step at a time

Ah, the good old days....

You gotta laugh at my naivtivty. Injections - my biggestest hurdle!

I think as we move along through the whole IVF process we discover that our hurdles get bigger each time.

Some hurdles I've jumped --or fell over:

  • Accepting the IVF journey
  • Understanding the process
  • learning the lingo
  • THE MEDS- learning about mixing, injecting, and where to get rid of your sharps box
  • The STIMS
  • The ER
  • Making it to transfer
  • Post BETA
  • FET

Hurddles I have yet to jump

  • Getting knocked up
  • first ultra sound
  • second ultra sound
  • making past the 12 week mark
  • 2nd trimester
  • 3rd trimester
  • Labor and Delivery
  • taking home baby

There are probably many more hurdles in front of me I have yet to conceive and probably a few you all could add.

Looking back I am amazed at where I am ... I never thought I'd be here!

Well that's enough looking back...

Let's try being


soralis said...

So sorry that you have been through so much and have to go through so much yet.. big hug.

It sucks that you have to choose between a house and IVF.

Take care and good luck

Sunnie said...

What a great post! :) Let's be!

Makariya said...

I understand your fears and confusion. I have PCOS and we are about to start our first IVF cycle. Unfortunately, it looks like our insurance is going to cover only one round of IVF and then we are on our own. Also, we would have to pay for the freeze if any. Good luck to you.

Just another Jenny said...

It's great to look back and see how far you've come. Ummm, what is one supposed to do with the sharps box (other than show to it to people to freak them out?)

Anonymous said...

Good luck... you'll have it all some day.

Maya said...

Sunny - Hmm. I was just thinking along similiar lines before I got out of bed this morning, while reading. The main point of all of the reading and reflection was to just BE. I think it is wise to look back once in a while and then hope for the future. Then find the balance in the middle of what is and rest there. I hope in just being that you become your dreams.