Wednesday, January 11, 2006

In the Beginning...

I remember a time in my marriage when I tried NOT to get pregnant. I even had a scare one month and I remember praying in the bathroom waiting for the little blue line, "Please God, not now. I can't be pregnant." Sure enough I wasn't pregnant. Little did I know that missed period was the beginning of my infertility. No period ever came. In the spring I went to my OBGYN who ordered tests. I never followed through. Then in the spring of 04 DH and I decided it was time to start trying for a baby. So I went back to the OBGYN and finally had those tests. Turns out I have a syndrome called Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Basically my body doesn't process insulin correctly which causes my ovaries to malfunction. My eggs try to release but get stuck and form cysts all over my ovaries. Nice. So I started on metformin. The metformin medication corrected the ovulation problem and AF returned in August of 04. So me and DH got busy once again. Two weeks each month I prayed and hoped for a missed period. Each month my answer showed up in blood. No. Everyone around me got pregnant without even trying and every month my womb was left barren.

Meanwhile my parents start dropping hints about wanting to be grandparents and shouldn't M and I start trying to have a baby. So I tell them about me and PCOS. Hmmm. They keep hinting.

My B and SIL decide to start trying too. Two months off BC she gets pregnant. NOT FAIR. I tried to be happy for them but inwardly I was crushed. Being the oldest child I wanted to be the one to give my parents their first grandchild. I tried not to let it show but it really hurt. I knew I was being selfish and jealous but the pain was still the same. I don't think that I was so hurt because my B and SIL got pregnant but more so because I'd lost that one person who was ttc just like me. We use to share our cycles and stories together. We use to bitch about how crack ho's can get pregnant but not us. Everyone around us was getting pregnant and we hated them! Now that SIL was pregnant I'd lost that buddy and that sacrastic relationship. She was now one of them.... the pregnant. That loss contributed to my melancholy.

I began to read everything I could find on fertility and PCOS. I charted BBT and mucus everything. I drove my husband nuts with what time to do it and how. It became an obsession. Sex turned into a chore for both of us. And each month the answer was no.

Then in January of 05 my SIL and B had a miscarriage. OK now I felt bad. Really bad. I knew that my jealousy didn't cause the baby to die but I still felt extremely guilty for the loss of my little niece or nephew.

Finally my OBGYN referred me to a RE (reproductive endocrinologist). I didn't go. I kept thinking I can do it! I don't need any help! I can get pregnant without any help!

Meanwhile parents keep dropping clues and blatantly petition for grandchildren. After a miscarriage and infertility you'd think they'd lay off? Nope.

B and SIL get pregnant in April 05. This time I am truly happy for them and not jealous or bitter.

Six more months of trying and I break down and make the appointment with the RE. June 05 we meet w/ the doc. I fall in love immediately! She is so warm and personable. She laughs and has a great repoure with me and dh. She orders a semen analysis for dh and other tests for me. (YIPPPE more vaginal ultra sounds!!!). So we wait.

A few weeks later the RE nurse calls with dh semen analysis results. Turns our dh has slow, unmotivated, not enough swimmers. I broke down on the phone and started bawling. I'd always blamed myself and thought is was my problem, my eggs. Turns out dh is broke too. RE nurse is so kind and tells me everything 3 times and tries to console me. She says our only chance for conception is IVF because of dh low sperm count and quality. Our insurance doesn't cover IVF. More tears. Some hyperventilating. Then she says that the county my husband works for (he's a special ed school bus driver) offers great insurance that covers IVF 100%. So there is hope. The RE Nurse was so amazing and kind. She was on the phone for about 30 minutes talking me down. I called my SIL and my B answered the phone. In my hysterics all I could say was, "I NEED TO TALK TO A!!!" My B thought I'd had a miscarriage I was so upset!

DH took the news better than I did. He checked with HR and found out there would be open enrollment for insurance in Oct. coverage would start 1-1-06. So the waiting began.

January 2 I called my RE office and made an appointment. We had a consultation and she explained everything about the IVF process to me. OVERWHELMING! I have no idea how I am going to get through this. It is so complicated and then the results aren't 100%. Plus with my PCOS my chances of miscarrying are higher than other women. So that's where we sit now. Waiting for insurance to say go ahead and trying not to go hysterical thinking of all the "what Ifs"

My nephew is due 2-4-6 and I can't wait to cuddle him in my arms.