A Prayer

I wanted to share this prayer with all my fellow IF friends. It was given to my by a lady at my church who has struggled with IVF but made it through to the other side. She has two beautiful boys to show for all her efforts! I hope you can find comfort and strength in her words. Her prayer is based on Psalm 145:18,19; Psalm 113:9; and Philippians 4:6-7

Father in Jesus name I thank you because I know you are near to all who call upon you in truth and fulfill the desire of all who fear you. Therefore, Father I believe you will make me a joyful mother of children. Praise the Lord! I thank you Lord for our unborn children and receive them as a gift from you. Because I have made this request known to you Lord, I will not be anxious about anything and your peace which passes all understanding will keep my heart and mind in Christ Jesus. Amen.

Mission Accomplished

I made it....

It was a harrowing experience. Perhaps because I am a drama queen or just perhaps it was harrowing.

We arrived at the ambulatory care center (a division of a local university my RE uses) and began to get prepped for the procedure. Everyone was very nice. I had a great RN who was very kind and comforting. I got ready, changed my clothes and the RN started the IV.

Normally, for the ER the patient is put under general anesthesia (asleep). So, you go to sleep have your eggs retrieved and then wake up -- all done. Well my anesthesiology was a wuss. She looked at me and said my air way wasn't good enough and she was worried because of my weight. So she didn't want to do GA here but preferred to do local --- an epidural. I was very worried an not happy about not getting to fall asleep and having to be unconscious through the whole damn procedure. I don't do well with girly exams and such and definitely was not looking forward to the experience. My RE was very kind and supportive the whole time. I love her immensely and if any one ever needs an excellent RE reference e-mail me and I'll give you her details.

So, I had an epidural. Like I said not my first choice but I made it through. When I was having the blasted thing my RE was in front holding my shoulder and my knees and rubbing my shoulder to comfort me and in a very tender and almost motherly manner she laid her head against mine. I was so comforted and so relaxed by her act of kindness I grew to love her even more in that instant. She has the best bedside manner of any PERSON let alone doctor I've every met.

I could feel the ER. It wasn't painful but it wasn't a walk in the park either. That tricky RE... she said, "ok, now I am just getting and ultra sound so don't worry." About 2 minutes later I could feel her touching my left ovary. "Doctor, are you doing the retrieval?" "YES she said"...She tricked me! But I am glad she did. I don't want to know every single detail of what is going on! Just do it and don't waste time mincing words for Christ's sake! She did and excellent job. And for the magic number!!

18

18 eggs retrieved! I'll get the call today to see how many are mature and how many fertilized. Harry did his job too, he came through -- no pun intended! :)

Last night was a bad night. My back is still sore and I am still very angry about having to have an epidural. I don't like it when we deviate from the plan. But I did make it through. I am curious as to what others have experienced during their ER.

So, because of the epidural my recovery time was a lot longer than normal. We didn't leave the care center until 2:00 p.m. -- the same time my family was due to arrive! But we made it to the airport in time and every one was happy to wait because they knew what Harry and I were going through.

Thank you all very much for your support and well wishes! I have a great prayer I'll share latter that a friend sent to me. Ironically I received the prayer the night before the ER.

---Update---
Just got the call now... 11 fertilized. ET is temporarily scheduled for Saturday at 8:30 a.m.

Wednesday is the Day

We're scheduled for our ER on Wednesday morning.

Scary

It's really happening. I've really made it this far. All my blogging gal pals are just a little ahead of me or right behind me! Good luck to all my lady friends starting out! It gets less confusing as you move along.

On Friday I was sitting in my RE's office waiting to be seen and newbie patient was walking out. She sounded unsure and so confused. The receptionist said, "Just call us when you start your period and we'll tell you what to do next." Newbie still was hesitant and I could tell a little curious. I felt like running up to her and handing her a business card (which i don't have) that has all our blogs on it for her to read. Remember when you first started, how afraid and confused were you? I remember how I thought I had it all planned out and knew exactly what was going to happen- ha ha ha! I do feel very enlightened now and want to help other women as the take their own journey. There is something only another women who is experiencing IF and IVF can share. There are no words to explain this feeling inside of me-- words cannot express what another IF woman knows.

During my u/s this morning my RE RN said, "Holy Crap".... She says I have so many follicles she stopped counting after 15. They're hopeful I'll have a good harvest.

Thank you all for being there... for the first blogs I found back in January when my mind was an ocean of uncertainty to my good gal pals who joke and laugh at the little things.

I am completely peaceful about the ER on Wednesday. We do have a little hiccup. Harry's family is coming from England for a visit on Wednesday as well! We tried to plan their visit after our IVF cycle but as you all well know my body has a mind of its own. I am not too worried about having company, I really love my in-laws and am looking forward to seeking my cheeky 3 year old nephew.

If I have enough embies RE is going to go to blast stage (Monday) if not ET will be on Saturday. We're hoping for blast.

So, I'll be reading up on you all and let you know how my eggies do!

A Little Nosey and Not Ashamed of It!

Do you ever sit in your RE's office and wonder about the other women/couples waiting? I do. Granted I am notoriously nosey but I am generally interested in other people's stories and struggles.

Today, while I was waiting, a tall gorgeous blond walks in. Very quite and secretive (like we're in a sex toy store) she waits at the front desk and slips the receptionist a "package". I smile up at her as she sits down hoping for some friendly chatter. Another couple is in there speaking a foreign language (Russian I think) and looking over brochures - first timers. Well neither the blond nor I initiate conversation. I get called for my blood work. Come back to wait and the blond is still there... I pretend to stretch my arm, hoping she'll see my blood work evidence and say something...nothing... Then gorgeous blonde goes up to receptionist and asks how long it is going to take....receptionist says well it takes about 45 minutes for the washing....Ding Ding...she's here for an IUI...

But I am left wondering...why are we so secretive? I know that the internet offers us an opportunity to open up but to faceless people. Why are we ashamed?

We have no need to feel shame. Well it is a little icky carrying your hubby's sperm...but other than that ladies HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH! All of us are broken or bruised in some way. May be not all of us infertily challenged but everyone has their own quirks and foibles. There is no embarrassment here! Shout it out! Next time I get on the elevator I am going to say.."Floor 5 please, I am infertile."

----now on a medical note ----
Nothing really post worthy to report....oh expect my RE forgot to do my HIV/STD Test!!! Man, if this screws up my cycle I am gonna go nuts!

Everything looks normal...Righty is out doing Lefty...

I am still feeling discomfort and the dildo cam was not much fun either! I go back on Friday for another u/s and b/w.

Oh, I did wear my frog socks! RE and RE RN loved my socks!

BIG FAT FROG

Today is day 4 of stims. I feel like a big fat frog! My ovaries are so sensitive and my thighs are bruised at each injection site. I resemble a leopard with purple spots! I go in for my first u/s and b/w tomorrow morning. I am hoping there isn't much more of this stim protocol. I am worried about OHSS. I know my RE started me slow so I have no idea what to expect once they crank up the meds!

Feel bad for feeling bad about feeling bad.....

I really know how fortunate I am to be able to do IVF...But I am still swollen, tired, and cranky! Well will update tomorrow after my RE visit! Thanks for all the prayers and wishes!

A Series of Fortunate Events . . .

Well after yesterday's pitiful sob story of a post, I thought I'd change it up a bit today! After I posted my spring time rant and void chasm of hope post I started to reflect on my day. Last night after a long day I continued to ponder all the little things that happened to me throughout the day.

So here is my post...in my favorite style - THE LIST...

Monday's Series of Fortunate Events...

1. RE told me I don't have ovarian cysts. I had convinced myself over the weekend that I had a cyst and would never be able to have a child.

2. RE told me I could treat my developing beasty yeasty and didn't need to suffer any longer!

3. Remember the horrid needles that came with BAND AIDS! We'll I don't use them! I just use the plunger and use a much smaller less horrific needle for the injection.

4. My new Lupron needles are 30 G as apposed to my current 28 G ones. SMALLER NEEDLE!

5. Came to work and a co-worker gave me coupons to McDonald's - i love Mickey D's breakfasts!

6. My boss (who I've told about our IVF) came in to ask me how things were going and if he could pray for us (he is a VERY strong Christian man). I shared with him my frustration and anger with spring time and my body. I also shared that I believed God was smacking me around because I've gotten to self -reliant in this IVF. I am trying to wear the creator boots and take the credit that is really his. He shared his own experiences and offered to pray for my cycle (he couldn't say the word period).

7. Went to the ladies room and TA DA!! AF had shown UP!! Now tell me if that isn't an answer to prayers!!

8. Called the RE office to announce the arrival of my curse. Our conversation went something like this:
R: Hello doctor's office
ME: Hello this is me, is RE RN there
R: No RE RN is at lunch but will be back shortly
ME: Ok can I leave her a message
R: sure
ME: Tell RE RN I got my PERIOD!
R: (in that soft soothing voice) Oh, I am sooooo sorry...
ME: NO NO it's OK I WANTED TO get my period!
R: oh (shocked) usually when people call this office getting your period is bad news!

9. Called DH to tell him I got my period!

10. DH calls back to say his co-workers thinks he has a girlfriend who had a pregnancy scare-- co-workers don't believe DH's wife would be happy to get a period.

11. I AM HAPPY I GOT MY PERIOD!

12. DH calls again to say, "I am taking you out for a hot date tonight!"

13. Leave work early for hot date!

14. RE RN calls to say my b/w is fine and I will start my Follistim and Menopur on Friday and come in on Tuesday for my b/w and u/s

15. Watch Follistim Pen DVD - VERY INTERESTING

16. Go on hot date!

17. (restricted event) ;)

18. EWW THAT'S GROSS!

19. Not so happy to have period! ;) - just kidding!

Well that was my day! Feeling a little manic swinging from utter despair to such jubilation! But hey at least I can blame something on the Lupron!

Spring

Life is everywhere

It's been unseasonably warm here the past few days. This unexpected warmth as brought the tree buds to sprout, tulips to unfurl, and birds to begin to sing. Life is everywhere.

The sun is bright and my window is open and I can hear children playing down on the playground. A cool breeze bring the smell of spring into my office. Life is everywhere.

Everywhere but here...

The barrenness of winter is broken with the birth of spring. In spring we see the promise of hope. That life does indeed return to that which is empty, fruitless, cold, and barren.

Spring brings hope. Spring brings a future. Spring brings a reflection of what is not mine...

Barren, Bitter, Broken echos over and over, with each sparrow song I hear again...

Barren

Bitter

Broken

The song conitnues as the melody of springtime and a reminder of what is not mine

Empty.

Void.

Hopeless.

Seedless.

Lifeless.

Cavernous.

Unmerciful.

DEAD.

What life is there for me. What reminder must I face. Why does nature taunt and tease and remind me over and over and over again of what is not mine! What may never be mine!

Rejected

Refused

Rmorse

Tears

awaiting the death of my womb.

Blood

Pain

Renewal...

Please Pray for AF

Seriously my body is $)%*$$) with me....

Once again I am waiting........ we've all been there I know but this time I am beginning to panic! I really can't take much more of the Lupron.

I was on Prometruim to help bring on AF. She was due to arrive 1 -2 days after my last dose. My last does was Monday night...you do the math.

So, I called my RE RN and she said, "Come in on Monday." No words of assurances or comfort! SO WTF does COME IN ON MONDAY MEAN!

Ladies! PLEASE get on your knees and pray for my period to get the #@$^&* Here! If you're not a praying person run outside at precisely mid night and do a naked midnight moonlight dance for the period gods to have mercy on my barren womb!

HAVE MERCY ON ME!

Look What My Little Button Sent Me!

Look my little Button picked the socks and sent them to me! As mentioned on a previous post, I was looking for some funky socks to wear for me ER and ET.



My darling Little Button picked these socks and sent them with this note:

"Aunt J, Good Luck, remember everything is worth it. I love you! Love, Button"

As I got emotional Harry had to remind me, "Button didn't say that A did"

WHATEVER I SO KNOW BUTTON DICTATED EVERY WORD!!

--------------------

P.S.

I am wearing my turtle socks today! They are cozy warm!

THIS ONE CAME WITH BAND-AIDS!!!!!!

Mmmmmmm should I panic.... WELL TOO LATE!

I wasn't doing too bad until I saw the BAND-AIDS!

HOLY CRAP!

Well as you can see from my panic stricken expression my Menopur has arrived! WITH BAND-AIDS!!

That looks like enough drugs to fertilize a herd of buffalo!!

Deep breaths....

Remind me...why I am I doing this?????

I AM SO not going to feel any guilt when my child gets his/her inoculations! Not even a quiver!

P.S. The Menopur cost more than the rest of the drugs combined!

The Lupron Made Me Do It!

Well I was away this weekend for work. Let me say it was very difficult to stay sane and not snap people's heads off as was my primary inclination! I am lucky that, M, a fellow colleague (who is a very close friend -- the "why don't you adopt" friend) was along for the trip. [Now don't get me wrong. M is a very good friend. I love her dearly. She just fustrates me with her adoption line. I do give her credit she has been very supportive and hasn't brought up adoption lately.] She gave me my injections every night! Thank goodness!

Well here is a picture of my mass inventory of meds. Keep in mind I am still mission my Menopur and hCG shot. Get a load of the drugs!

I threw in my pre-natal and Metformin for good measure. Is it wrong that I am excited that my Follistim injection is an epi pen?

Ok not to scare the pants off anyone but...


GET A LOOK AT THIS HONKING NEEDLE!!! OUCH! I am sure they sent me this one by mistake! PLEASE BE A MISTAKE!

And you may notice the lovely knitted blanket as my back drop. That was knitted by my grandma :) I sleep with it every night and it helps me to feel her still with me and like she's a part of this whole process. I know she's watching me and working with the big guy upstairs to get me a baby!

AND I have to add this one! I got the idea from our Swedish friend!

You Are Miss Piggy

A total princess and diva, you're totally in charge - even if people don't know it.You want to be loved, adored, and worshiped. And you won't settle for anything less.You're going to be a total star, and you won't let any of the "little people" get in your way.Just remember, piggy, never eat more than you can lift!

The Muppet Personality Test

Well that's all for now! Hope you're all doing fabulous! I better sign out before I hit another mood swing and say something bitchy!

I Got My Drugs!!!

WOOO HOOOOO!!!! RE RN got my Menopur covered! YIPPEEE! Now I have all my drugs for my IVF cycle.

YIKES... that makes all this real....

Two Arms and Two Legs!

Well I've got most of my IVF meds! They arrived this morning! And let me say I am very, very, very, thankful I have insurance that covers IVF. Here's my list of drugs

Prometrium 200mg capsule
Follistim AQ 600IU Cartridge
Follistim AQ 900IU Cartridge
Leuprolide (Lupron) 14 day kit
Prednisone 20mg tablet
Doxycycline 100mg tablet

Pre-insurance that's a grand total of $3093.56 - HOLY SHIT!

I am still waiting on the Menopur and the hCG shot! I don't know how you ladies do this without insurance. God bless you!