Thursday, May 18, 2006

A Few Things on My Mind

I've had a few random thoughts running through my mind lately and am now deciding to post about them. They are mostly IVF related...cause you know I am obsessive about it! In an attempt to organize my thoughts I'll make a numbered list... ah, that brings me back to the days when I thought I could organize my life....

1. Why are pregnant women afraid of me?
Well it's not like they run from me.. but they sure as heck don't ring me up and ask for a date. Recently I've known two women who've conceived and have been afraid to tell me. Am I that emotionally scared that they think I may transform into a hideous monster and devour them body and soul? For the record...I am extremely joyful for any fellow women infertile or not who has the miraculous privilege to conceive and carry life in her womb. It is a joy and blessing. That said don't surprise me with the news right after my babies die and then expect me to hug you. People keep asking me, "Are you okay with so and so pregnancy"-- Like I can do anything about it! Seriously I am cool. I love babies -- thus undergoing the horrors of IVF. Just have a little class in letting me know...privately works best.

2. What will I do with my life?
Well well here is a biggie! For the past 18 months I've been struggling with either starting a family or going back to school for my masters. Due to Harry's advanced age (he is 11 years older) I've decided to pursue the family route....Well Hells Bells we know how that one has been working out.... So I always new I wanted to further my education but never knew which direction I wanted to go.... I'd been toying with some different options... I finally feel called and directed to pursue a direct path of higher education.. I am going to study psychology..specifically counseling-- women's counseling...Struggling with infertility has really opened some doors for me. Ideally I want to work with women dealing with infertility and other life challenges. I don't know how the heck I'll afford and education or when but I now have a direction. I am very confident and sure of this calling. It is even peaceful having a certain ideal for the future. I am not giving up on the family plan either.

3. Deidre Hall said it best:
One dreary day while sitting on my couch feeling sorry for myself I happened to turn to Lifetime (known by my husband as the women's victim channel). There was one of those cheesy true life movies on. This one was about Deidre Hall, a soap opera actress (I can't remember which one) . And of course it was about infertility-- so of course I watched it--big 80's hair and all. Well poor Deidre is infertile-- she's rich, glamorous, and a star but barren... so she goes the route of ART....anyway the part that stuck to me is a conversation she has with her surrogate...

Infertility is a series of broken dreams
First you give up the dream of conceiving a baby in the privacy of your own home
Then you give up the dream of conceiving with fertility medication
Then you give up the dream of conceiving with ART
Finally you give up the dream of feeling your child move inside your body..

She said a lot more but her monalogue was very moving and of course made me cry...

4. You gals rock my world!
Holy Smokes there have been some serious BFN out there in IVF blogland. So many of us hurting and disparing....but through it all we're able to scrap our wounded hearts off the floor to send a word of encouragment to one another. What a testiment to our strength and resolve! We are so much stronger than we believe. Really we are.

5. I am blessed...
Through this whole rollercoaster ride I've seen how many people in my life really care about me. Family and friedns have wept with me and offered words of hope and encouragement. I've seen my husband be supportive in his own way and believe even more firmly that I want to be the mother of his children. And I am blessed to have such a network of women inspiring, comforting, and encouraging me each step of the way.

Well those are all my ramblings for now. I am sure I'll brew some more up! I hope and pray you're all doing well and finding peace in whatever situation you're in. Now that doesn't mean that tomorrow I can't be a grumpy, melencholy beotch. :)


Sunnie said...

Thanks Jenny :)

soralis said...

What an awesome post, I wish I felt the same was as you do toward fertile PG people, I am not there yet. I do love to hear of infertiles that are PG but that is about all I can handle right now. You have a wonderful outlook.

(Deidre Hall - from Days of our lives... ya I watch to much tv! I wasn't aware of her infertility I sure agree with what she said).

Take care and all the best

Hopeful Mother said...

Glad to see you are appreciating your husband through all of this.

I too have been so inspired by the strength and encouragement of all you super ladies in the IF blogosphere. We are truly blessed to have each other.

Wishing the best for you!

Meg said...

Sunny - I am in the process of trying to put together a resource listing the bloggers that are cycling each month... it is at cyclesista.blogspot... would you like me to put your FET on? Email me and let me know. Meg

serenity said...

What a GREAT post. Thank you.

And Deidre Hall was also on "Our House" with Wilford Brimley back in the 80s. I loved her - had no idea she was infertile. Wow.

And ditto what Jenny and hopeful mother said - you ladies rock!

Sarah said...

Jenny-that is a fantastic post! I agree with you 100%. I have gotten a ton of support from my new friends in the computer! I really don't think that I could have gone through this any other way. Well, I would have because we are stronger than we think, but it wouldn't have been nearly as positive an experience.

I'm not a great one for reaching out. I didn't go for counselling after our mc and I certainly am not about to join a support group of people so that we can chat about IF because I am just too private for that.

Being able to read other people's stories and being able to post my own, has been so cathartic and really is my 'therapy'. So thanks again for your great post!

Just another Jenny said...

I hate that my friends are afraid of me. The most afraid is one with a pg wife. There lack of support has soured me on fertiles for the time being.

I like those quotes from Deidre Hall. It is hard to make sense of IF but it is nice to hear somebody talk about it with heart and intelligence.

Maya said...

Yah life doesn't seem fair that we have to choose between family and education or career. I think that it is great that you have decided to go into being a woman's therapist. Good ones are so needed. It took me 8 years of firing about 5 bad ones to finally find a good one. I have seen her every week for almost six months. She has been a God send who has helped heal me, given me strength, shared her wisdom, and on and on. From what I have experienced of you, you would be equally as wonderful. You have a lot of empathy which is the most important requirement.
As an aside, one therapist Surfer and I went to, I think realized how much he didn't get "it" right before I fired him and said "Maybe you should find a female therapist who can understand you". I think he meant it as a put down. I took it as a compliment, followed his advice, and she has helped me immensely simply from her understanding and validating me.
I say go for your dreams honey and don't hold back.
PS Surfer and I are also 11 years apart. That has also been a factor in many of my decisions.

Beth said...

Apparently I am an Incredible Hulk of Infertility as well. 2 women I know (and thought I was close with) recently confessed to be afraid to share their good news with me. Boy did that sting. Congratulations on your decision to pursue your Masters and fingers crossed for us both for this cycle.

Thalia said...

I'm sure that monologue must have made me weep, it sounds EXACTLY right! Must have been written by some IF person.

I love the sound of your future direction. I think it will be fascinating, and rewarding, and you'll have a chance to help so many people.

Anonymous said...

Sunny Jenny, you're amazing.

I think psychology is exactly the field you're suited for.

formerteacher said...

Infertility led me to see all the people who cared about me too, however I used to say that I would have liked to have figured that out in a different way! Glad to see that you're able to see the good things in your life.
You know I have also decided on the psychology route, with a speciality in women's issues! After going through infertility, etc., I thought that if I helped someone else then maybe there was something good that came out of all of it. I know you'll be excellent!!!
I saw that Deidre Hall movie too. It's amazing that all the money in the world couldn't give her what she wanted most; to carry her child. Her statement was right on!!!
Good luck to you with this FET.

Barely Sane said...

Great thoughts! I really like what Deidre Hall had to say - it totally strikes a chord in my heart.


Anonymous said...

My daughter is six yrs old. I was not diagnosed as infertile but nothing happened after two years of attempting to have a child. Finally I tried IVF and my Uterus required two surgeries to remove fibroids. The first IVF had six fertilized eggs and I had a miscarriage. Then I had to have additional surgery on my Uterus again. I did seek therapy before going forward the second time. It help me not be so attached to the outcome. The second time I only had two fertilized eggs and that resulted in my daughter. Consider all options, donor eggs, therapy, whatever, but the in the end it is worth it. Make sure you have the right medical team working for you. Hang in there, I know it is difficult.