Monday, May 01, 2006


I am healing...

It's a long process but I am making it through to the other side. I have to tell all of you how much your support and sympathy have meant to me. You've given me something no one else can, empathy. Only those of us who have stared at the ugly face of infertility can know what it means to hurt in such a way. Thank you.

I think I've had some closure this weekend. My little button was baptised this weekend and Harry and I were able to spend some time with him. At his baptism the pastor said, "All of heaven, all the saints that have gone before us, are with us now as we welcome little button into God's family.." In that instant I new #2 and #4 were with me and I knew I would see them again. I saw them with my grandmother and my niece/nephew and new they were okay. I know there are varying opinions on the start of life and what constitutes life. I look at all my embryos as my children and would mourn their loss. They are my babies.

I talked to my friend J, for the first time post cycle. J asked how I was doing and I said, "Horrible" her reply:

"Of course, you've just miscarried two children"

I never thought of it that way. I guess I always thought you have to be pregnant before you could classify a loss as a miscarriage. But hearing her say that really gave me perspective and allowed me to feel and name my grief.

Our failed IVF #1 is so much more than "just not getting pregnant".

I tried to tell myself that in order to avoid disappointment but my heart wouldn't let me. The internal conflict was catastrophic. Mentally I was saying, "It just didn't work, try again" but my heart was saying, "You're children have died".

Two conflicting extremes and me caught in the middle...

I've accepted my loss and will always mourn Lefty and Righty but know they will always be with me and that we will see each other one day.


On a tangent...what's with these word's we use to describe the death of a pre-born child?

Miscarriage - A quarterback can miscarry a football--but a baby?
I Lost the baby- We loose our glasses or our can you loose something that can't be found?

What do you say when a baby dies? Isn't there one word or term in the English language to describe the suffering, grief, or heartache for such a circumstance? Who can say? I have no words to offer, only tears.


Just another Jenny said...

You know how bad I needed to read this right now. I feel like I could be mid-miscarriage and I just want to go home and curl up.
Thank you so much for all your support today. You deserve empathy because you sure are giving alot of it too. This is gotta to be one of the hardest days ever. I haven't given up all hope, it's just fading.

soralis said...

I am glad to see you are doing a little better, a failed cycle is not fun to have to go through.

Take care and all the best.

UtRus said...

glad you're seeing the light a little bit. you're right, we do all view things in our own ways, but one thing's for sure: if you feel sadness, grief... you have a RIGHT to feel that way. and call it as YOU see it. i wish you strength and healing... hugs...

Sarah said...

Glad to hear that you have found some closure. Throughout my mc I found little comfort in the horrible words used to describe the experience. It was either very technical and cold or sickly warm and fuzzy. I've no words to describe the heartache that losing a baby causes. Take care of yourself.

Maya said...

I would definitely feel the same huge loss. My thoughts are with you.

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I am glad that you are feeling a little better. It is okay to mourn the losses of your embryos. You have every right to feel everything that you are feeling. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hugs!