Tuesday, February 07, 2006

The "What If" Tango...

I keep dancing. These questions keep running through my mind. I am slowly slipping into insanity. So afraid to be hopeful or excited that my time may have finally come. Fighting with myself over the possible out comes of my first IVF cycle. So unsure of what to expect. Fearing to be hopeful and hating to be fearful. I am a wreck!

Holding a newborn in my arms has done me in. I use to be able to talk myself around to the idea that I may never be a mother and I was okay with being an aunt. I love both my nephews immeasurably and know how specials aunts can be. I have three very precious aunts whom I love and cherish and who have always been a special part of my life. In fact I use to wish that one of my aunts was my mother. But still knowing and having lived this I still hunger and ache for my own child...

I've read so many stories of women who are continually struggling with failed IF treatments. My heart aches for them. What makes me think I'll be any different. Will my story mirror theirs. Will I suffer loss after loss...

What Ifs plague me...

What if I miscarry?
What if I have a chemical pregnancy?
What if my eggs don't fertilize
What if Harry can't get it up and make his deposit?
What if me eggs are broken?
What if my blood kills my embies?
What if I get pregnant but then my babies stop growing?
What if I don't get pregnant?
What if I am too fat to have a baby?
What if I have to have a D&C?
What if I have to deliver a still born?
What if..
What if..
What if..

I can't dance anymore...I am exhausted and I haven' t even begun...

I use to fear the who IVF process...

Now the What Ifs terrify me...

How will I cope? How will I continue...

I don't have any answers -- I am just a tumult of feelings and fears..

dancing an unending dance with my partner



Kellie said...

I don't think the "what if's" ever go away.

good luck.

formerteacher said...

I can tell you that my husband had to give a 'deposit' to be stored 'just in case' before we even started the process. So you'll likely have back-up, so don't worry yourself about that one. I am a big worrier about the 'ifs' too. When you start, things

Just another Jenny said...

What a great post. That "what if" list could be my own. I think the same thing - why would it work for me the first time when I read about all these great woman who have gone through multiple IVF's. I just keep thinking - it's gotta work first time for somebody and so far I have been unlucky so hopefully my luck is ready to change.
I hope the same for you.