It Has Begun

My injection protocol has begun! I've just received my first injection of Lupron. Yes it was comical and it went something like this...

Harry and I are in the bedroom. I've got all my tools laid out and have read the directions about 5 times and lectured Harry on proper protocol about 100 times. My syringe is poised and full of my wonder drug that will begin our first IVF cycle. Harry and I discuss the best place to inject. Thigh or tummy? I have to pinch and inch and find this quite difficult. Not because there aren't any inches to pinch but because I can't grab any fat!

Tummy wins...

Standing in the bedroom...syringe in hand...poised and ready for action.

1...2...3..

Me: "I CAN'T DO IT!"
Harry:"Come on Honey you can do it...ready...1...2...3.."

Me: "No, no I can't you have to do it."

Harry gets out of bed and walks over to my side...I contemplate giving him the needle...

Me:"No I'll do it."

I decide on the slow painful route and barely stick the needle in...then I PULL IT OUT!

Me:"OUCH! I CAN'T DO IT...You better do it"

I lay back on the bed and 1..2..3.. it's over! Harry has done it and it didn't hurt a bit...Quite like sex!

So, I've begun...Haven't turned into a hormonal lunatic yet but am going to bed for my evening cocktail of 500mg of Metformin and 400mg of Prometrium.

Exciting and terrifying at the same time!!

Wish me luck!

I Laughed So Hard I Wet My Pants!

Oh, oh, I am laughing so hard...somebody help me here... hidey hidey ho ho ho...my sides ache...

So today was my test to see if I've ovulated....the $100 million dollar question! Now you folks out there in blog land...you take a stab at the answer: Have I ovulated?

Just highlight the blank space to reveal the $100 million dollar answer...

DING DING DING!!

NO!

Seriously -would you except anything else from my messed up body! My darling RE RN was not too pleased either. As I expressed my dismay she reminded me.."That's why you're infertile!" -duh

So, everyone is in agreement and tired of waiting! So I start my Lupron injections tonight! I am also being put on Prometrium to bring on AF. So, assuming (there I go using THAT word again) everything goes according to plan (go ahead laugh) I'll be starting my period in 7-10 days and begining my stimulation drugs. Dare I smile ? :

To top it off me and don't mess with me I am PMSing RE RN have been fighting with my prescription plan to get all my meds approved and shipped out. I've been approved for everything except the Menopar and the hCG shot. GO FIGURE.

After being hung up on once and waiting on hold for like 100 years I finally got said prescription plan to ship my pre quailified meds (remember I am "borrowing" Lupron from my RE).

RE RN said, "They better fix this today cause they don't want to deal with you when you start that Lupron!"

You really have to look for all the humor in this or you'll loose your mind!

*****
Sorry, no funds will be paid to any or all $100 million dollar question champions.

Looking for a Few Good Ideas

Ok I am looking for some ideas. I've heard/read about women wearing "fertility" items during er and implantation. I am looking for a bracelet idea or some fun looking socks to wear! Don't you think that would be funny! Goofy looking socks and me birthday suit! Have any of you heard of such things? Did anyone wear anything for treatments/er/implantation?

Small disclaimer here: Of course I am not putting my faith in these items. My faith rests in God. I am really looking for these socks and or jewelry to represent my faith and trust but most importantly my hope in this IVF cycle. So I am opening it up! What do you think?

Update: Whoa whoa..not so many suggestions all at once :) Well, I've had to do some investigating of my own! Here are a few things I've found.

Of course, leave it to a fellow blogger to have already "been there done that!"

Other than that I haven't found much...

I've read on various websites that the folllowing animals are symbols of fertility
rabbit

turtle

frog

Now I have to choose which one. I want more info on each. I did read that frogs are protectors of newborns.

Thanks to A and little Button I have a great site to find my socks!

Now I just have to choose!!

Just Wanted to Say . . .

I originally posted this as a comment on our friends Jenny from the IF Block's blog. But I felt so strongly about it and I wanted everyone to know what I was thinking that I added it as a post to mine!

"I feel exactly the same way! After my initial IVF consultation I felt overwhelmed and under-informed. I was panic stricken and felt completely alone. Although my husband has been very supportive there is no way he can know what it's like to face the inner turmoil and self doubt that comes with being a female IVFer. I've found so much support and guidance from women all over the world who have made this journey so much easier! You have all touched me in many ways! - I hope I've been able to explain personally just how much you influenced my life. I think about all of you throughout my day and check your blogs for updates! You're all very special to me!

God bless the internet! That's all I have to say! I met my dh on the internet and now I've met so many wonderful women who have become a part of my life!
Thank you all!"

How You Life Your Life

You are honest and direct. You tell it like it is.You tend to avoid confrontation and stay away from sticky situations.You tend to have one best friend you hang with, as opposed to many aquaintences.Some of your past dreams have disappointed you, but you don't let it get you down.

How Do You Live Your Life?

Another Great Read

WELL... since my ovaries do things on their own time schedule and refuse to cooperate - yet again - I am back to the waiting!

I am reading How to Get Pregnant: The Classic Guide to Overcoming Infertility by Sherman J. Silber.

I am finding this a very comprehensive and scientifically detailed account of the human reproductive system and infertility. There are plenty of pictures and charts for those of us who are visual learners.

This book is great for those of us who want to know everything (JENNY) and often annoy our RE with constant questions and repeat questions on procedure. In other words you were the little girl who always had to know, "WHY?"

If on the other hand, you believe ignorance is bliss -don't bother with this book - it has way too much information for you and will only scare you shitless.

Stupid PCOS

SO today was suppose to be the day I start my first IVF cycle. Hardy har har! My RE RN just phoned and told me I haven't quite ovulated yet. Of course I haven't ovulated! What else would you except! So I am going in next Tuesday for another blood draw to see if I can start then.

But RE RN did give me my Lupron Kit! he he

Here is a picture of the kit that will make me a hormonal lunatic!

And ladies, not to worry! It comes with detailed instructions with pictures!!

Well little Lupron kit....back in the fridge for you! One more week of hibernation!

...To be continued...- once my ovaries cooperate!

The Best Book I've Found

I went to visit my new nephew over the long weekend! We had a wonderful time and I was able to watch him get a bath, help change a diaper, and hold hold hold his precious little body!

All of us, Me, Harry, New Mommy A, New Daddy C , and Button, went out for a day of shopping and riding in his stroller for the first time!

While out we went to Barnes and Noble. While browsing the Women's Health Section (where else would I be?), I came across this book, The Couple's Guide to In Vitro Fertilization: Everything You Need to Know to Maximize Your Chances of Success by Liza Charlesworth. Hands down this is the GREATEST book I've come across for anyone tackling the stupendous journey of IVF! ABSOLUTELY amzon.com yourself and get this book! To my dear friend, Jenny from the IF block, they have time tables and charts! I actually have an idea of what I am about to undergo!

GET THIS BOOK!!

Tomorrow I start my Lupron injections! YIPPPEEE!! My last day as a non-hormonal raving lunatic!

Oh the blessed insanity of it all!

One Pill to Get Bigger....One Pill to Get Smaller...

Well it goes something like that! I am still trying to work through all the different hormones I'll be on and let me tell you it's a wonderful journey of discovery! So, yesterday I phoned the pharmacy my RE uses to see if my meds are ready. My RE RN was going to phone in my Rx last Thursday after my harrowing experience. Well I phoned said pharmacy yesterday and low and behold they've never heard of me....no phoned in Rx...nothing...nada.... So I did what any reasonable gal would do...I phoned my RE RN to see what is going on! Well RE RN was gone for the day so I left a message. She is a good RN and she phoned me this morning. Turns out my insurance loves me so much they're going to mail me all my meds! (Oh the joy!) But my RN has only received the approval for the Follistim not the Lupron or Menopur. Imagine that an insurance system has lost a referral! They won't take her word for it that I NEED Luporn and Menopur but instead she has to resubmit the whole blasted thing! But my darling RE RN has assured me that she has Lurpon I can borrow (I may have to put a kidney up for collateral) in case mine doesn't arrive by next week.--Yippee Skippy!

Oh the Drama!

So here's my med. sched.
I start with 10 u of Lupron
I am guessing that's gonna bring on AF -- but if not then I call 11 days after starting Lupron

Then I start all the other lovely hormones
I'll greet my morning with a cheery stab of Follistim
And close the day jabbing myself with Menopur and Lupron
all the while remembering to take my best friend Metformin

See, I am figuring this whole thing out! My murkiness has become less murky!

When I explain all these dramatic and news worthy details, Harry, being the strong supportive husband that he is, has his own very important question...
"How do you make a hormone?"
As I contemplate my answer, he responds
"Don't pay her"

Yes, my husband shouldn't quit his day job.

Happy... Oh why don't you rub it in Day!

Everywhere you look -- babies, babies, babies! Even this hallmark erotic holiday features a jovial little punk diapered fairy! ENOUGH! Seriously!

Why is Cupid a baby?

Well I want to wish all my gal pals a great V-DAY -- as opposed to a VD DAY (that's a not so great day!)

May all your baby wishes come true!

A Few, ughm, Questions, Please...

Ok, I've spent way to much time hypothesizing my first (I hesitat in numbering the cycle hoping it will be my first and last) IVF cycle! I need some advice from some veteran IVF ers.
If I go in for my baseline u/s and blood work on 2 -22:
will I start my Lupron on the same day or the next day?
When will I start my Follistm (don't know how to spell that word) injections?
How long will I be a hormonal raving lunatic (as opposed to the regular lunatic I am now)?
When will they do the egg retrieval?
When will I be implanted?
Will Harry empty the dishwasher today?
Will I have a girl or a boy?
Will I ever win the lotto?
What will my due date be?
ok ok...It's pathetic...Maybe I should call the psychic hotline. Maybe Mama Jo-Jo has more information than me! I need a timeline! I need a schedule! UGH! Well I've waited two years! In one week I'll have my bloody schedule.

Watch me get a kick in the ass and nothing go according to plan!

You know that's how it's gonna be!

UPDATE:
Harry did not empty the dishwasher (he was home all day)! But he did buy me a card and gift for V-Day. I think I would have liked an empty dishwasher better.

To Womb it May Concern:

I passed! I had my mock implantation and the dreaded water sono today. And I passed! Yippeee!! As you may recall I've been very nervous and worried about the water sono. While it was no walk in the park it wasn't exactly painful.

The mock implantation was really no different than a pap smear. First of all I have a great RE. She's very sensitive and always has a smile. She laughed when I told her I shaved for her today. She feels special. :) I laid down, legs up, bottom on the edge of the table. RE RN put some jelly on my belly to find my uterus. I was told to have a full bladder for the test. So I drank 1 liter of water before I made it to the office. Once at the office I drank two more cups as a good measure. Needless to say I was bursting! I told the nurse not to press too hard or I might squirt the doc. Which cause everyone to laugh and then she had to find my uterus again. All in all the test probably took 2 minutes. Harry thought it would be nice to sneak in a quick shag since I was lubed and had my legs up. I just gave him the look of "don't you dare".

After I emptied my bladder the doc came back for the dreaded water sono! Basically, the doc uses a catheter to put a balloon in my uterus. She then fills the balloon with water. Then she uses the much loved vaginal ultrasound to view my uterus. The balloon will show any fibroids or lesions in my uterus. This test was uncomfortable. HELLO- she was pushing on my uterus. To keep my mind off the test I decided I'd tell my RE and RE RN the story of my little nephew Button (so christened because he is as cute as). Harry says that as the procedure went on (it took about 5 minutes) I kept getting louder and louder. I remember stuttering when things became particularly painful. But I was able to make it. Harry held my hand and kissed me when he saw my feet wiggling (a desperate non-audible cry of ouch). After it was done I did have cramping - like the worst day of my period (time to pop a Midol). I was cramping and sore for about an hour afterwards. I am doing great now and only have some spotting.

Everything is clear and good to go! My uterus is perfect and waiting our little embie. The RE RN says they've received the go ahead from the insurance and my baseline u/s and blood work is scheduled for February 22. I start injections on February 23! She's calling in my meds today!

Driving back to Harry's work he was very supportive and surprise that I did so well. He says he's sorry I have to endure so much and he'd do it for me if he could. Some how I don't really believe that. But we're still moving down that path. I am feeling a little more confident and excited that this might work for us.

On a side note I have acute bronchitis. Harry's so glad it's not ugly bronchitis. Did I tell you Harry is a comedian?

The "What If" Tango...

I keep dancing. These questions keep running through my mind. I am slowly slipping into insanity. So afraid to be hopeful or excited that my time may have finally come. Fighting with myself over the possible out comes of my first IVF cycle. So unsure of what to expect. Fearing to be hopeful and hating to be fearful. I am a wreck!

Holding a newborn in my arms has done me in. I use to be able to talk myself around to the idea that I may never be a mother and I was okay with being an aunt. I love both my nephews immeasurably and know how specials aunts can be. I have three very precious aunts whom I love and cherish and who have always been a special part of my life. In fact I use to wish that one of my aunts was my mother. But still knowing and having lived this I still hunger and ache for my own child...

I've read so many stories of women who are continually struggling with failed IF treatments. My heart aches for them. What makes me think I'll be any different. Will my story mirror theirs. Will I suffer loss after loss...

What Ifs plague me...

What if I miscarry?
What if I have a chemical pregnancy?
What if my eggs don't fertilize
What if Harry can't get it up and make his deposit?
What if me eggs are broken?
What if my blood kills my embies?
What if I get pregnant but then my babies stop growing?
What if I don't get pregnant?
What if I am too fat to have a baby?
What if I have to have a D&C?
What if I have to deliver a still born?
What if..
What if..
What if..

I can't dance anymore...I am exhausted and I haven' t even begun...

I use to fear the who IVF process...

Now the What Ifs terrify me...

How will I cope? How will I continue...

I don't have any answers -- I am just a tumult of feelings and fears..

dancing an unending dance with my partner

Infertility

Happy Birthday!!

Well he's here!! My little nephew made his appearance! It took him a long time but he made it!
He is the cutest little guy I have ever seen! I love him to pieces. I was very worried with how I was going to react when I saw him. Honestly I was completely over come with love for his precious little soul. He is such a miracle and beautiful little angel how could I feel anything but love for this angel. I kept waiting for someone to bring up, "You're next" -- but thankfully no one did. I was surprised.

I have to say seeing that little bundle of sweetness has only increased my desire to have my own. I've been doing the "what if tango" recently. "what if this IVF cycle doesn't work?" I tried to convince myself that I'd be okay and just try again. But honestly, I'll be devastated. I know unequivocally that I want a child of my own.

I am a little less frightened of the whole birthing process having witnessed A's experience. I still know it will be painful but I am actually excited.

Iam lookig forward to the day that I'll get to experience such a miracle of my own.

Labor Day

My Sister-in-Law A is being induced today! Please think of her and my brother as they welcome their baby boy into the world!

The Ball is ROLLING...

I made the call. Of course because I had good news! Here is a summation of our conversation:

Me: Hello, it's me today is CD1! I finally started!
Wonderful RE RN: FINALLY! I was beginning to wonder what happened
Me: Me too! It was 44 days this cycle
WRR: That's because you were stressing about having your period
Me: probably
WRR: Ok, Let's schedule those test...
Me: wait! Now can you explain to me what's going to happen again (only the 99th time)
WRR: Ok, we're going to do a mock implantation so the doc knows where to lay the embryos and then the water sono.
Me: yeah about that water sono..
WRR: It's not the HSG test
Me: Yeah but is it gonna hurt?
WRR: Not really some women experience cramping. We fill the uterus with saline to see if there are any polyps or other abnormalities.
Me: yeah but is it gonna hurt?
WRR: no...I'll transfer you to the receptionist to schedule the tests...

Receptionsit: Hello

Me: Is the water sonos gonna hurt...

Wonderful Receptionist also informed me that she doesn't hear any complaints about those two procedures. So that's good. At least I know wonderful receptionist hasn't heard any screams of terror or pain coming from the test room. I'll sleep much better now.

Thursday Conversations with a Pregnant Lady

WARNING! The following conversation contains graphic details of my morning discovery of my menses.

Taken from an IM I had this morning with my very pregnant SIL A.

***DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU GET GROSSED OUT***

A: how you feelin?
J: A!
J: I got my PERIOD!!!!!
J: YIPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
A:: woohoo
A: did you call the doc
J: That means you're going in to labor today!
J: yeah...she has to call me back
A: whatever
J: It does!
A: i will never go into labor
J: you will!
A: i will be lugging around a 200 pound man child in my belly
J: so do you want the gross details of how i found out i got my period?
J: lol - 200lb man
A:: uhm, there are details?
J: oh yeah! it's a drama
A:: go for it
J: i am thinking of putting some music to it!
A:: Kittie M says hi
J: hi Kittie M
J: so i woke up
J: felling a little better!
A:: ok
J: thinking I don't think I'll die today....so i go into the bathroom
J: for my morning wee
J: have a seat and wee
A:: whee!
J: then think...hmm...I am a little moist today...
J: check it out and its blood!
A:: wow!
J: i do a double take and say...can it be! Now...
J: my heart starts to beat faster
A:: thus more blood
J: and I have that exhilarating feeling of having just won the lotto
J: and take a scientific tissue test and
A:: LOL
J: YES! PRAISE JESUS!
J: WE HAVE BLOOD!
A:: blood rocks!
J: and I swear to you i heard angels sing!
A:: but of course
J: and a light from heaven
J: Jesus' baptism must have been something like this!
A:: with a little less blood
J: yes true
A:: but the moisture was there
J: of course!
A:: you are insane
J: i know!
A:: congratulations on your flow of blood
J: that's why you fit so well into the family
J: thank you earth mother!
A:: hehe
J: I think i am going to post this conversation on my blog
A:: insanity should spread across cyber space

Groundhog's Day

Will the groundhog see his shadow today?



WHO GIVES A RIP!!

I know what he will see! HE'LL SEE MY PERIOD!!

oh yeah BABY! She's here! I have never been so happy in my whole life to get my period! ALLELUGIA! I believe I heard a chorus of angels as I awoke for my morning wee!!

Sick In the Head

Geez Louise! I am still over here waiting! I've been bloated and pre-menstrual for 3 weeks now. I am convinced this is due to screwing with my metformin prescription. Dang it! My SIL says its karma for # 49 (see post Me, Me, ME!!!). To top off my missing period I am freakin' sick. I have a horrible cough and have been near death for many days now. Okay that's a bit of an exaggeration but I was sick enough to stay home from work and lie on the couch all day wrapped in three blankets with the space heater pointed directly on me. In my haze of sickness I watched Bambi and cried a snot load of mucus when Bambi's mother died. PATHETIC! Simply pathetic!

I want to post something exciting! Something news worthy! I am so freakin stuck! I suppose I should call my RE and let her know what's going on with my cycle. I think I am afraid of bad news. I know I am avoiding it. I am afraid I am going to miss out and have to wait another blinking 34 days for my next period before I can begin injections for IVF. Grrrrrrrr!

I am going to call tomorrow...

...or maybe Friday