She has My Life

I got one of those e-mails today. You know the one from a distant "friend". The one that you met at work, church, a social group, or school. You see her maybe twice a year for "lunch" or at another social event. She e-mails you family updates and pictures of her kids. They even have a family website. Yeah I got an e-mail from her. Now, Jessie, is a really, really wonderful women and has no clue about our IF and recent disappointments. So, I don't feel anger towards Jessie for sending me the family update, I am just completely consumed by jealously. She has my life.

She has a house. I live in a crappy over priced apartment. The housing market here is beyond ridiculous. We will never qualify for a mortgage that would actually buy us anything reasonable. I am stuck in a two bedroom shitty apartment that I am throwing money at every month that will get me absolutely no where. When my insurance benefits run out and I have to take a second mortgage out on a house to pay for IVF I won't even have a house to mortgage.

She's cute. God she is so cute and perky. She isn't afraid to be in pictures and always has the cutest clothes. She's not thin but she's curvy. And I hate her. Hate is a strong word. I am just completely envious. Her hair is so pretty and wavy and her skin well her skin is translucent.

And the number 1 reason I am jealous is she has 3 kids. A four year old daughter and 8 month old twins (all conceive the old fashioned way -- actually the twins were a surprise). And she named the twin girl my girl name.

Yes she has my life and I am so mad I am in tears.

Why the fuck am I an infertile stuck in an apartment with $11.00 in my checking account?

So, my reply to the e-mail....

Let's do lunch.

Where I am

Thank you once again for all you care and concern. There is no one who knows what if feels like to be tangled and burdened with infertility and IVF than a fellow infertile. Thank you for your care but most importantly for your support in the midst of your own battle with infertility.

There are a few updates and things I'd like to share with you.

The Therapist
I met with my therapist yesterday for the first time. Draining. That pretty much sums it up. She is great and really helped me to talk about what the infertility diagnosis makes me feel. We talked about my childhood and mother issues and a few other items. Mainly I talked about the anger and frustration that come with being IF and feelings of unfairness and guilt. As a Christian I am having a hard time reconciling my situation with God. I am so ANGRY with him. Most of my anger centers around the feeling of denial. If feel as if God is willfully denying my request/plea/yearning/desire/anguish for a child. I absolutely believe it is in his power to make me a mother but feel as if he simply is refusing/denying me a child. The rage and anger I feel is immense and has halted my prayer life. I can see the Lord holding my child in his arms. He has a baby by the arm pits and is holding it out to me. I know it's my child. I go to reach it and no matter how hard I try I can't get there. I reach and reach and reach until I begin to fall away and God and my child slip away. I am so close to grasping my baby but can't quite get there. It's unbearable.

My therapist was able to validate many of my feelings and help me connect with my anger and grief. She also gave me some clarity when she said, "Many times when we face these feeling of denial we open old wounds that we may have thought were healed only to discover that they're really not. " It was an epiphany.

As I was leaving my therapist said, "oh, you may find it helpful to journal," I said, "I do -- I blog". We did talk about my online community and how I've been able to find support and encouragement and she encouraged me to continue with my blogging.

PCOS
SUCKS! I am so freakin' sick and tired of this stupid syndrome/disorder. It's running my life. Of course I blame it for everything - infertility/IVF failures/weight/facial hair/bad mood/ EVERYTHING. I am so sick and tired of it. I have to get this under control before I attempt another FET. I've been reading some good books on PCOS and how to get it under control. It's been one week and I am doing pretty good. I am exercising regularly (walked 1.5 miles this morning and 3 miles last week) and trying to balance my carbs with protein. I am learning. I want to shed weight quickly. I feel like we are on such a time crunch because of Harry's age (42). Perhaps that's self inflicted and will be moved to topic #1. I've turned my failure and anger to PCOS and my weight.

My RE
I really do love my RE and clinic. I sent them a letter thanking them for their kindness and support. I wanted to let them know were we are taking a break and when we are ready to continue that we're planning on using the last 4 embryos for a FET.

Me and Hubby
We're doing good. I am looking forward to a mini vacation with Harry. I just want to spend some time with him and have lots of sex. Not think of babies or conceiving or anything but us. I want to enjoy the summer and grow closer as a couple.

That's about it for now. I hope you're all doing well and coping where every you are in your IF journey.

Aftermath

First of all thank you, thank you, thank you. You all were the third "person" to be told. After I called Harry and my SIL I ran on the PC to blog. Thank you all for your support, care, and kind words.

It's amazing how much I've changed. How scared and battered my heart has become. I am a different woman than I was 3 short months ago. I am so battered and broken. I don't like who I've become.

I have now joy in my life.

Everything revolves around conceiving. Everything.

I go to work to pay the bills so we can afford IVF.

Sometimes I eat because I have to.

I sleep because sometimes I can dream.

I am a shadow of my former self.

I am seeing a therapist on Monday. I need closure, perspective, and direction.

I am starting to turn into a bitter women who is envious of other women who are successful/pregnant - I hate myself for that -- I have to get that under control.

I am taking a break.

I don't know for how long.

I want my body back, I want my life back, I want me back.

If I've Learned One Thing . . .

It's that someone always has it worse.

BETA Day

I haven't slept since Thursday night.

I can't.

Friday night was Christmas. I was so excited for Saturday morning because I was sure when I POAS I would see a positive.

Well I didn't.

So now I can't sleep because I keep thinking of my three embryos....

So many of you have been so hopeful and encouraging... thank you...

I know the HPT is correct.

Went in for the b/w this morning. Broke down with the RE RN. She was very comforting. She didn't have much hope that HPT was wrong.

So now I am waiting . . .

2 more hours . . .

------------------------------
UPDATE:
Not Pregnant

Hope vs. Denial

What's the difference?

I am I just full of hope that this FET actually worked and I should still hold out hope that I am pregnant

or

I am just in denial, unable to face reality, and still completely and utterly barren?

What's the difference between hope and denial?

Hope is just Denial sugar coated and washed up so people don't think we're ready to be institutionalized.

It sounds nicer to say "I am very hopeful this cycle worked"

rather than

"I am in complete denial that my womb has killed yet again 3 offspring"

much nicer...

HPT Results

One day I'll POAS and see two pink lines . . .

Today is not that day. . .

Beta is Monday

Dangerous Web Sites

You may all want to throw stones in my direction.....


but I found these two websites... and of course have been obsessively reading them

Web Site 1: IVF due date calculator! - How awesome! FYI cleaved embryo is a 3dt (I had to Google it) - Yes-- February 19, 2007 ( am I tempting fate?)

Web Site 2: American Pregnancy Association - Gives you lots of info and can view a week by week newsletter of pregnancy. Of course I haven't signed up yet... I keep stopping myself...


Well now it's official I've contributed to the delinquency of minorly insane IVF women.

They're gonna throw away the key.

24

One thing is for sure I am insane...

There are a lot of things I can say but nothing really earth shattering.

I am just waiting...

waiting until Monday...

I am going to POAS tomorrow morning. That way Harry and I can be together for some results. Either positive or negative....

This is so completely frustrating! Not knowing....

My glass has to be half empty

If I look at it as half full and then find out it is completely empty...

well then I'll be screwed...

I've never wanted to barf so much in my life...just one little symptom please... please....

I am blissfully cramp free but don't believe that to be a sign of pregnancy just good old PIO.

So I sit here and wait...

It is what it will be - the only difference is knowing the truth.

Flashbacks

I keep having flashbacks to IVF #1.

I keep comparing how I felt 7dp3dt last time and how I feel today.

So far no cramps.

You may think that give me comfort but not really.... it's probably just the PIO.

I keep waiting for the cramps... expecting a twinge...a pull....just waiting for the inevitable end of this FET dream. I am consumed.

Sometimes I forget I am with embryo and when I remember this limbo we're in I am like,

"Man, it was so nice to forget"

Harry and I are both going manic. Wanting our babies to stick and not wanting to "get attached" -pardon the pun - to the thought of being parents.

I have no symptoms of pregnancy.

well at 7dp3dt my embies are either dead, dying, or growing.

I am praying for growing.

The Psychosis Begins...

Well my peaceful maternal nurturing has been replaced by my neurotic panic stricken psychosis.

Was that a cramp???

Am I nauseous or just hungry????

What's going on down there!

Come on EMBRYOS STICK!!

This isn't going to work

Maybe I am pregnant........

They've Made it This Far . . .

You know I am thinking...

I've got some hard ass embryos here.

Considering they were cryogenically preserved (sounds kind of sci-fi) and survived the thaw--they've already beaten some pretty hard odds.

So, I am thinking these three transfers are not your ordinary egg and sperm cocktail, Oh, no these embryos are hard ass, though skinned, top of the class you can't kill us brother, embryos!

They've made it so far!

Now if only . . .

I am that Woman...

I am that Woman we all hope, wish, and pray for...cause if it works for her then maybe just maybe it will work for us.

Day 2 best rest - I am going nuts! I have my mother "taking care of me" which really means pestering me to stay on my back. I've tried to explain the sticky peanut butter uterus to her and that my embryos will not fall out....bless her she doesn't get it.

Transfer went smoothly. It was very different the second time around. Both Harry and I were numb and sort of going through the motions. There wasn't a surge of paternal joy and giddiness as before and as we were driving home I kept thinking "nothing is different - you're still infertile" It's so hard to get excited to even dream - I have no expectations of pregnancy but will be devastated when this FET fails.

We had 3 embryos transferred. 2 8 cells that grew into 12 cells and where class II (some fragmentation) and 1 6 cell that grew into an 8 cell class I (best class) they were all 100% alive. I didn't get any pictures and I think I got a sonogram but don't know what I did with it. If you want to see pictures of our pre-frozen embryos look here.

I think they transferred the elephant man.

I am hanging in there only 10 days left...

Calling all IVF Geniuses

Alright who of you in blogland is the smartest???

My embryos were:

conceived on March 29, 2006

frozen on April 1, 2006

thawed on May 31, 2006

and transferred on June 1, 2006

So here is the question...

How old are they????

So what do I write? 1dp3dt or 1dp4dt?? eeek! I asked the RE RN are my embryos considered Blasts and she said no still 3 day...but I said their 4 days old...ok but they're chilly....

Well I am off to the transfer! Thank you all for the support! You are all with me in spirit and your words of encouragement and care really do lift me up!