Hasta La Vista

Good bye 2007. - The year I finally got pregnant and the year I experienced the pain of a miscarriage. That's how I'll always remember 07.

What will 2008 bring?

This New Year's Eve isn't one that's exciting or hopeful. It's just so so.

May all of you have a happy New Year's. I hope 2008 holds all your dreams.

New Hobby

I've discovered gambling!

Well not what you might consider your traditional gambling!

It's gambling with coupons. Only difference is you always win!!

I am so into it I had to start another blog! Check it out

http://crazysexysavings.blogspot.com/


Oh, yeah, I am serious!

70 million

That's how many sperm were in Harry's latest seamen analysis!

Can you believe it! He went from an abysmal 2 mil to 70 mil!!!

We are ecstatic

Our urologist (Dr. P) ;)- has put Harry on an estrogen suppressant. His blood work showed a good level of testerone but a way too high level of estrogen. I think the ratio was 1 to 3.

For once we are completely hopeful and excited that we can have a baby and that possibly IUI will work for us!

On a different note - I had to reformat my computer. So I lost all my blog favorites! So if I've visited your blog (or if I should visit your blog :) ) could you please leave a comment so I can link back to it!

Approved

I've been approved for gas.t.ric ban.ding.

I have three criteria to meet before the surgery

1. 6 months of a physician assisted weight loss program
2. 2 years of medical records
3. psychological evaluation

Number 2 and 3 are not problem. It's the first criteria that pains me.

6 more months. Not only does that mean 6 more months before the surgery but that pushes out pregnancy even further. At first I was a little depressed with this news. I mean I've already waited 4 years to get pregnant. Now having to wait another year to 18 months. -UGH!

I've accepted it and am taking steps to get there. Thanks for all the support! You've all been so wonderful.

A Different Kind of Journey

I am starting a different journey.

I am not finished with the journey through infertility but it's being postponed.

I am on a weight loss to health journey.

As much as I want a child now I know that I cannot and should not get pregnant at this weight. It pains me to postpone my IF journey but if I want to find success I need to start and finish my weight loss journey first.

I had a consult yesterday for ga.st.ric ban.din..g.

It was great and I really like my doctor. For the first time I feel like I have some control of my life and I will reach a goal I've set for myself.

I am excited and hopeful that the band will help not only with weight loss but with PCOS as well.

My doc seems to think so too - granted he is no RE but he's a fatty specialist.

So, things are in motion for the surgery. Don't have any specifics (much like starting ART) but I am excited and very, very hopeful.

I haven't decided if I'll continue posting here or if I'll start a new blog. Whichever choice I make I'll be sure to let you know!

Shameless Advertisement

I am a part-time consultant for one of those home based businesses. I originally started the part time business to help with the costs of ART. You know the one where you go to your friends home and host a party and people buy things. You know the cookware company that loves to pamper its cooks? ;)

So, I wanted to invite all my blogger friends to a virtual party! If you'd like to purchase anything please send me an e-mail to sunny_jenny05486atyahoo.com and I'll send you a link to the website. I can ship to anywhere in the US and Canada! I also have great gift ideas for under $10.

Thanks for the support!

Broken

Blood work confirmed what I knew in my heart.

I feel like a broken record but really, "I don't know how many more failed cycles I can take."

It is so heartbreaking and drains every bit of hope, encouragement, life, joy, and peace out of my soul. I am left as a shadow, a shell of who I am.

I am not doing very well at hiding it anymore. People ask me how I am doing and I say,

"Fine." but they know I am not and often remind me that I don't look "fine".

I am so tired-- so worn out-- so beat up.

We're taking a break. I want to try to enjoy my favorite time of year. I want to focus on my family and friends and enjoy this holiday season.

Harry is going to see a urologist. We need to figure out what is going on with his swimmers.

I am trying to start up my exercise and healthy eating. I NEED TO LOOSE WEIGHT! I know this beyond any doubt. Because even if I get pregnant again my PCOS may not let me stay pregnant.

It's so hard. I had planned to get up and exercise this morning-- but once again hit the snooze. Why can't I just do it? If I really want a baby so badly why can't I do what I know will help increase my chances? WHY! -- I am so desperate I am even considering gastri.c. ba.nd.ing.

I am just feeling so utterly hopeless and useless right now.

Negative

HPT says not pregnant.

Funk

I am in a funk.

I don't think I am pregnant.

I am so freakin' tired of all this crap.

I just want a baby.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. How much more hope I can loose.

I am so drained. SO stinkin' tired.

Harry is sure we'll be parents one day. I am not so sure.

I feel totally hopeless...

I am symptom less. Don't really feel anything.

Why do so many people around me get to be pregnant but not me. Why?

I am so sick and tired of smiling to cover my pain.

It hurts.

Chooo Chooo!!!!!!

I did it!!

I ordered these!

I can't wait any longer!! I have to know!!

Surrounded

I am surrounded by pregnant women.

They're in the bookstore.

They're in the grocery check-out line.

They're in the elevator going to my RE's.

They're popping up everywhere! Why does it seem like everyone is getting pregnant...

Everyone but me....

It's really kind of commical. I knew I wasn't imagining things when Harry commented,

"What's with all the pregnant women?"

I found out last night that another friend is pregnant.

I found out from someone else. In the middle of a meeting. Not good.

I held it together. I am surprised. Maybe it's because she already has two little girls. But it still stings.

It stings to see so many people around me getting to have what I so desperately want. The jealousy is tortuous.

And now Giada announces she's pregnant! If Rachel announces she's pregnant, I'll loose it for sure!

Surrounded, I tell you!

3 dpiui

Lying in bed, the night before our last IUI, snuggled close to Harry; when completely out of the blue he says;

“CHOOO-CHOOO! All aboard the crazy train!”

How nice! My dear husband is prepared for this crazy 2 ww! I think he’s finally getting an idea of what it’s like to be the vessel of this insanity.

I strangely feel nothing. My left ovary is still a little sensitive but I feel nothing.

Our RE RN said, “It’s looked better” when asked about Harry’s sample.

I am not making any assumptions this cycle – after last month’s debacle – I am not going there again.

IUI #3

Tomorrow is the day.

Our IUI is in the morning.

Surprisingly my body worked ahead of schedule! I usually don't make it this far for three more days!

Fingers crossed that this is the one!

Check List

Bottle of wine - drunk -- CHECK

Sushi eaten -- CHECK

Inhaling 2nd hand smoke and not freakin' out -- CHECK

New pair of shoes -- CHECK

ANOTHER new pair of shoes! -- CHECK

Day at the salon - hairapy and new fall color - CHECK

SEX with hubby- CHECK -- Double CHECK!!

Back on the crazy pills (aka Clo.m.id) -- CHECK!

My Man

It's hard to imagine that something good could come from infertility. But it has. This journey has led me to see what a wonderful husband I have.

I don't have the words to express how kind, caring, loving, and devoted he has been to me these past few months. I mean he was always great but recently he's been exceptional. Sometimes I feel as if I've won some award.

So, baby, thank you for all your love. For holding me when I sobbed, for bringing me tea in bed, for not letting me lift a finger, for carrying my massive purse when the ovaries hurt, for the back rubs, for telling me we will be parents, for still having me as "baby momma" in your phone, for waking up in the middle of the night to make sure I am sleeping, and for trusting me even when I am wrong.

I love you angel.

So Wrong

How could I be so wrong.

That's what's most upsetting.

I really, honestly thought I was pregnant.

I am not one to hope or think this will work for me. For a long time I even doubted I would ever get pregnant.

To be so hopeful --to have convinced Harry

I am crushed

I don't know my body-- it lied to me.

My heart is so broken and now the miscarriage hurts all over again.

F.R.E.D

I hate them

2nd pee stick- BFN

Last time (when I was pregnant for a day) I used a different brand. I don't remember what brand. I am done with F.R.E.D - FOREVER!

Today is Not That Day - Again

I didn't make it to Tuesday

I knew I should have waited. But my darling Harry bought some pee sticks.

And as I lay in bed at 4 am holding in my pee, Harry says,

"Please, go put us both out of your misery."

HPT - Negative

What if my body is misleading me. Can I be imagining all this?

11 dpIUI is very early - last time I tested 12 dpIUI and got the faintest positive.

My boobs feel like lead balloons and are very "hard".

We're a little disappointed but haven't lost all hope.

So I guess you could say...

To pee continued

Just the Facts

Still crazy and pregnant (well I know I am crazy and I think I am pregnant).

I've never been more sure that I am pregnant. I always knew I'd know. I know my body. All those time I knew I wasn't pregnant but hoped I was. Now I know I am.

It's not so much that I am having symptoms but that I am not having PMS symptoms.

So, come with me, if you will, on a little journey. Let's review my 3 cycles.

IVF #1 - This is the first time I experienced killer cramps. I mean double over - this must be like labor (I know it's not really -humor me) - cramps. No other symptoms.

FET #1 - Well no cramps for FET #1 - but I am sure that was due to the PIO. I didn't get AF until a few days after I stopped the PIO. I also didn't have the backache and headache that I have now!

IUI#1 - Well IUI #1 had both pregnancy symptoms (headache and backache) as well as PMS symptoms (killer cramps).

IUI #2 - At 9 dpIUI NO PMS symptoms!!!

Holy moley!!

I am gonna PAOS on Tuesday.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

No Cramps

And that's a big deal.

Every cycle I get PMS cramps exactly 1 week before AF shows up. Like clock work.

The arrival of cramps have always signaled the end of the dream. Occasionally I'd try to fool myself that the cramps really didn't mean it was over--but I always knew it was over.

Well 1 week to go and so far NO CRAMPS!

So.... choo choo all aboard!

Hop on Board the Crazy Train

I think I am pregnant.

I don't want to think I am pregnant -- but I do!

I've had this constant back ache for the past 3 days. Like nothing I've experienced before.

It's sorta painful -- not horrible but I am definitely uncomfortable.

I've had a slight headache off and on again as well.

So, get your ticket and hop on board the crazy train cause it's leaving the station!

Why I blog

I know that all my fellow IF bloggers can relate to the purpose and therapy there is in blogging about this difficult journey of infertility.

My blog is my sanctuary.

It is a place for me and about me. I can be self centered, loathsome, irate, intolerant, hateful, angry, self deprecating, depressed, and mournful.

It is my blog. It is about me.

In real life I am a pretty selfless person. I put others above myself and have a hard time allowing myself to feel emotions or even standing up for myself.

I am in therapy dealing with these issues and I have my blog.

I can get all my ugliness out here -- I can say the things I would never say in public.

It's my world, my rules, my place.

If you cannot understand that - then please don't read this blog. I fight so hard to be honest with my emotions.

That said, I want to clarify some things for a recent viewer who left a very opinionated comment on my previous post Irony is a Bitch.

In case you missed the comment here it is:

I have read the post and comments and I cannot help but leave my own. I know
your SIL well and I think your comments are selfish and unfair. For the record,
your SIL has walked every step of your fertility troubles with you. She has been
there for you every time you have needed her. She has cried with you and for you
through your ordeal. I also do not hear any mention of HER fertility issues. In
all fairness, I think your readers should know that your SIL has had TWO
miscarriages herself, one as recently as this July. I think it is important that
you not lose sight of what your SIL has been to you and done for you over the
years. I know your struggle is a tough one, I have personally walked some of
this heartache but not to the extent you have, but that doesn't give you the
right to blast her on a public forum and discount all she has been to you.
Perhaps the rudest of all is to say that next May is going to, as you put it,
"suck ass." How could the birth of a child EVER "suck ass"??? Seriously, if you
cannot keep your focus on Jesus, the least you could do is take it off of
yourself every once in awhile. I hope that you find success with your IUI, I
truly do. The bitterness and pain is eating you up and it is incredibly
unhealthy.

Leslie, I can see by your comment that you care very much for A, as do I. She is a wonderful woman and as you said she has been there for me. She and I have been friends for a long time and we were friends before we were family. I love her like a real sister and I cherish my nephew and future nieces or nephews that I will be blessed to have. A and C know that.

What you do not know is me. You do not know what it's like to be inside of my skin - you may have struggled with IF (as many of my fellow readers/bloggers have) but one thing we will all say is, "You don't know what it's like to be here-- to be me--right now." I pray you never will know this deep pain.

You see my pain isn't merely at the death of my unborn child but its the pain and struggle of dealing with my grief for my loss and yet the joy I feel at being an Aunt again. May is going to "suck ass" because I will have a physical reminder of my loss. As I snuggle my new niece or nephew and feel my heart grow with love for him or her I will remember that my arms are still empty. Showing a joyful face to my brother and A as they celebrate this most special of days is going to be difficult and yes, it most definitely will suck ass.

And about Jesus- Oh sister-- don't even go there.

And to A: I love you. It was with your permission I wrote that post. As I congratulated you on your pregnancy you told me that I didn't have to say congratulations and that you understood if I was angry. I believe you.

This is my blog, my space, my expression. Please don't read it if you can't accept this fundamental truth.

Trigger

Tonight is trigger night.

IUI #2 scheduled for Thursday morning.

I am doing better but in a complete funk. This has been a horrible 3 weeks. It just seems like Harry and I have had so much crap hurled at us. Our latest crap is that Harry is having troubles at work. Hopefully these troubles will be resolved this week. I couldn't take it if Harry lost his job.

Move along.

Irony is a Bitch

My brother and sister-in-law are pregnant.

She was on the pill.

We're gutted. The same month we loose our baby --they get a baby they weren't "trying" for.

May is gonna suck ass.

Move Along

We're moving on.

That's not to say this is any easier.

I think I've fooled myself with the severity and depth of our loss.

I keep having nightmares in which I am crying for my dead baby.

I am a ghost.

A shadow.

I am moving along. Living by the motions. This is my new theme song. I've used it before in this IF journey but today, right now, it's even more applicable.

Even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along
just to make it through.




When everything is wrong...

CD 3

It's officially over.

I am thankful that my body took care of everything and I don't need any further treatments.

My RE is convinced I was pregnant and hopeful that IUI will work for us.

I go in tomorrow for monitoring and kick off IUI #2 -- assuming everything looks clear. We're doing a clomid/injectibles cycle.

I am at peace and could do 100 IUIs before another IVF.

A thousand thank yous to everyone for all their support and love. All your comments mean so much to Harry and I. It's so comforting to know that we're not alone. Thank you all!

Pregnant for a Day

For one day we knew what it was like to feel like we finally made it.

After 3 years we were able to embrace each other and celebrate.

I am bleeding as if AF is here. In my mind it's over.

I am not in any pain (physically). But in my heart, I know it's over.

Harry and I are blessed to know we had a baby for a day. We know IUI works for us and we can and will try again. I am so glad I POAS and new I was pregnant. If I hadn't taken the test I would have just thought AF arrived early. Now we know. It makes the loss harder and greater but it gives us hope and trust that one day we will get pregnant and take home a baby.

Thank you so much for your support and encouragement. All our shared pain unites us and you are all sisters to me. Thank you.

Waiting

It's been a rough night.

The ups and downs of infertility only intensify once you think you have a positive...

We're still so overwhelmed and can't possibly believe that we will make it through this with a real live baby.

I woke up in the middle of the night to pee and discovered I was bleeding.

It was red blood. Not a lot --only saw it when I wiped (sorry if this is TMI).

I spent the rest of the night on line goo.g.gling 'bleeding during pregnancy'.

Called my RE's call service at 6 AM. The RN returned my call in 10 minutes and said that all we can do is wait and as soon as we have the blood results she'll let me know.

Bleeding has seemed to tapper off.

Just got the blood results phone call. BETA is 14. Yesterday was 12 dpIUI. I don't know what this means. Of course I've goo.g.g.led Hcg levels and am still none the wiser.

RN says its a positive and to come in on Monday and not to be too concerned cause it is still very early.

So we're back to the waiting game.

This is torture.

Skerd

I have this argument with myself everytime...

to pee or not to pee.....

After countless negative HPTs I've always promised myself...

"NO HPTs until I miss a period"

And I always loose.

So today I broke down and PAOS.

Telling myself. "When you get the BFN at least you'll know and you can mourn the loss and move on."

So I did it.

And I saw a faint blue line.

I called my RE RN and they told me to come in now for blood work.

Took another POAS test at the RE's office. Here's that picture

You can see the faint pink test line.

RE says it's not the HCG shot- I am pregnant

RE RN says I am pregnant

Office mananger says I am pregnant

I can't believe it....

Blood work was rushed. RE RN should call with blood work results tonight.

Harry and I are skerd.

Pregnancy Symptom Advisory System **UPDATED**

The Sunny Jenny Pregnancy Symptom Advisory System has elevated the Pregnancy threat from Low to Guarded.




As the public may know the PSAS was devised to warn the public, friends, and family of Sunny Jenny of an impending pregnancy. Regardless of the PSAS level, there is no positive way to guarantee a pregnancy is approaching.


The PSAS is here simply to advise you on the emotional and mental state of Sunny Jenny. Please prepare accordingly.

**UPDATE**

The PSAS has been down graded to LOW.

Pre-mentsral cramps have begun. Well cramping is a symtom of pregnancy you may say; however, after 3 years of this crap I know my body and know AF is coming.

Ominous Fortune

Harry and I took a few days off this week to go visit my nephew. He's 18 months now and the cutest thing! We had a great time and today we all went to a Chinese restaurant for lunch. and my fortune cookie read....

WHAT THE HECK DOES THIS MEAN????

My SIL nearly burst into tears. I refused to give any credence to this fortune. Yet, I picked it up and brought it all the way home. And here it is scanned and on my blog... torturing me.

Does it mean IVF isn't over yet? You have to try again, and again, and again?

or

Does it mean this cycle isn't over yet! Stick with the embryo burrowing into my uterus lining?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Someone shake a Magic 8 ball and let me know!

I am Rock Star!

Well I always knew that one! I've been tagged here so it's time to share the bling!

Becks - She's my 2ww English buddy! A brave girl going through IVF #2 she's relatively new to IVF. Fingers crossed for her!

Bea - A true veteran an inspiration! I can always count on Bea to provide quality information and support! She just got a positive BETA! So go congratulate her!

Beagle - After many, many ART cycles Beagle's decided to travel down the road of adoption! She's got her application in and is waiting for her baby to come home! She's a real trooper and I'd admire her courage and perseverance!

Jenny - My fellow name sake! We both started IVF #1 at the same time. Neither of us walked away with a BFP. But Jenny's FET #1 gave her the very beautiful Olivia! What a doll! She's enjoying motherhood and still feels the sting of IF. She's been there for me and still checks in.

Ms. Infertile - A new blogger I've just met. She's starting this journey.

I could go on and on! You're all fabulous!

Piece of Cake

We did our IUI this morning. It was a piece of cake!

Hubby did his thing here at home and then we drove over to the clinic.

Our RE RN met us there and reviewed the sample.

"This isn't your sperm" - she said.

"Yes it is" Harry protested

"This sperm looks great!" she exclaimed

We got to look at our swimmers under the microscope. The looked really good. A few of them were waving the Union Jack! They were swimming around and looked well formed.

Our RE RN was very impressed and think we have a shot.

I start 1 prom.etrium vaginally tomorrow evening.

I just have some minor cramping still and minor discomfort from ovulation. I've been in bed all day watching Harry Po.t.ter!

Now the 2ww begins!

Blessing in Disguise

That's what I am calling it. "What?" is my blessing you ask?

Well, it's my canceled IVF/ISCI#2 cycle!

I knew I was heading down this road when I only had 2 follicles on Monday. Today's scan shows 3. Not a good response.

My RE went the conservative route with my stims this time around. She wanted to avoid another massive over stimulation like we had from IVF #1.

Quality over quantity was the goal.

Well screw that!

We're converting to an IUI - to be done on Sunday.

"Now you know, you're chances aren't good" warns the RE RN

"Yes, I know, we have lousy sperm." I retort.

Well I was dragging my heals from the beginning -- didn't really want to undergo the ER and then there was the whole - second mortgage to freeze your embryos trauma.

So, maybe this is a blessing in disguise. That's my angle anyways.

I am ok, not too torn up. If this had happened at IVF #1 I would have been a wreck. Luckily experience has hardened my heart and given me a deeper perspective on life and infertility.

Fingers crossed!

Still Cooking

Not ready...

Raising the meds...

Return on Friday for update....

nothing is certain

An Update, Compliment, Question, and a Thank You

Update:
Well the girls are doing their job nicely.

I've got a few big ones and lots of little one gestating. RE wants to go a few more days. She thinks the trigger will be Wednesday with the retrieval on Friday.

Compliment:
I received the nicest compliment this morning.

Scene: legs in stirrups- wand inserted

RE: "You really seem to be approaching this differently"

translation: "You're not as obsessive, crazy, nuts-o, maniac, loony, and annoying this cycle"

ME: "really?"

RE: "Yeah, you seem calmer"

ME: "Well, maybe therapy is helping"

I wonder how bad I was before. Unfortunately my calmness is a symptom of heartbreak and pain. Having been through the wringer once I know what heartache lies around the corner.

Question:
My RE was going to put me on a new progesterone cream. I was very excited as the PIO are horribly painful and I hate the prom.etrium suppositories. As my longtime faithful readers may remember I did suppositories for IVF/ISCI #1 and had horrible cramping and started my period before my BETA. I never had any cramping with PIO and AF didn't arrive until after PIOs were discontinued.

Well the lovely insurance industry has disallowed my new cream! Jerks! So it's either PIO or suppositories. My RE seems to think that suppositories will be just fine-- but I am a little concerned. Here again lies my insanity.

Part of me wants to trust the doctor but another part of me is terrified the suppositories don't work. I am going to bring it up Wednesday for my final scan. Any thoughts or comments?

Thank You:
Many thanks to all my blogfriends! You've been so helpful and encouraging! You're a fantastic support system and I hope I can return the favor.

How Big Do Your Ovaries Get?

Today is day 5 of stims. I am doing ok. It's amazing how much this is like riding a bike. It comes so naturally!

I'd like to share few observations and then ask your opinion.

Observations

1. Gon.al F STINGS! Man that puppy burns when its injected! I much prefer folli.stim.

2. I feel like a mad scientists! Mixing all my meds at night and keeping it all straight is a challenge. My sharps box is already over flowing!

3. FETs are much easier -- that's probably a stupid observation but true non the less.

4. I forgot how much my ovaries can hurt - owie! I am already needing to lie down and pull at the Tyl.en.ol and heating pad!

5. Harry is the sweetest guy. He is so sweet always trying to make me feel better. I am getting the royal treatment! He did all the laundry this weekend and is waiting on me hand and foot! I have to live it up now without taking to much advantage of his sweet disposition!

Now to the question.

I am debating between a 3 day and 5 day transfer. What are your thoughts/experiences?

My thoughts are that if my embryos can make it 5 days in a dish then I am willing to give them a chance in my womb. So much hope and emotion goes into each transfer. Does anyone have any hard evidence for one verses the other. I know my RE is partial to 3 day transfers. At the most I've had a 12 cell transfer. Please let me know your thoughts.

Thanks for all the support! You all are so amazing!

On the Roller Coaster...

Many thanks to all the helpful comments on my last post. You are all so wonderful! Your help and words of comfort really helped me. I am feeling much better and going to make it. --I think ;P

Had my CD3 blood panel and sonogram today. Everything is fine. We begin g.onal F and men.opur on Thursday with monitoring on Monday. We're trying different drugs this time and a slightly different protocol. ER could be August 20 -23.

I feel like IVF/ISCI #1 was just a test run.

I really hope this is the one. No one wants to be stuck on this roller coaster!

Panic Attack

Today is CD 2

I am having a minor panic attack.

I just got off the phone with my RE RN to plan my next cycle.

For my next egg retrieval I will be under mild anesthesia.

I will be conscious.

Because of my size (i.e. I am fat) the anesthesiologists aren't comfortable knocking me all the way out.

I will be awake.

I will be sedated and "happy" and as my RN said,

"Even if you feel something you won't care."

Yeah, not words of real comfort.

So, I am freaking out. Terrified of another horrible ER despite my RE RN's assurance of,

"You'll be fine, you really will."

Not feeling so fine right now!

HELP! Can any of you out there tell me if you've been conscious during your ER and what they were like. Be honest.

I keep trying to talk myself down...

'It's only 15 minutes max'

'LABOR is going to be much more difficult'

'You'll be drugged!!'

I still don't know.

Is all this pain, stress, and financial debt worth another BFN? If I knew I had a BFP on the other side I'd be gliding through this whole thing. Heck, if I had one shred of hope that I'd have a baby on the other side I'd be ok.

But all this for a BFN. I don't know...

My Last Day

Today is the last day.

Tomorrow I begin the tumultuous journey of IVF/ISCI #2

I start lu.pron and prometrium tomorrow.

Why pr.ometrium you ask...

well.....

I didn't ovulate this month. I haven't ovulated the past 3 months. Before that I was doing really good. 27-28 day cycles -- then the ovaries gave up the ghost.

I think my body is sabotaging me. Right when I want to start my cycle it starts to act up!

So I start the lupr.on and wait for AF to show up after the prometrium.

I am still very anxious and completely terrified that this cycle will still leave us empty handed. I am still extremely stressed about the whole egg retrieval. I am just trying to take it one step at a time.

We are going to freeze any extra 5 day embryos. (Thanks for all the advice) My parents (God bless them) have offered to help cover the costs. "It's our grandbaby" they said.

Please, please let this one be the grandbaby!

I am off to Orlando for a week! See you all when I get back.

Torn

I really don't know what to do.

I am torn between doing IVF/ISCI #2 and waiting.

The enormous cryo fees have really thrown Harry and I off. I hate that finances play such a huge roll in our quest for a child. Here are our options

1. Proceed with IVF/ISCI #2 and continue to plunge deeper into debt.
2. Postpone IVF/ISCI #2 until more financially secure.
3. Try an IUI - Much less expensive and no need for cryo - however not sure if it's even worth the time.

I really don't know what to do. Harry suggested doing IVF/ISCI #2 without preserving left over embryos and took one look at me and changed his song.

I really don't know what to do and I need to make a decision cause AF is on her way.

The Consultation

I had my consult with my RE this morning.

Sitting in the car waiting to go into the building I had a mild panic attack. My anxiety is through the roof. Even sitting here typing I feel extremely anxious and overwhelmed.

The consult went well. We went over my menstrual cycles and my last IVF.

There have been some ART advances at my clinic since my last cycle.

Instead of PIO there is a new progesterone made specifically for vaginal use and it comes with an applicator! So good bye PIO! Man those hurt! And the Dr. thinks we can combine all my meds into one injection at night. So that is a blessing!

My RE is working with a new lab so she will have to talk to their anesthesiologist about my case. The cyro rates for the new clinic are double the old clinic. That throws another wrench into the situation. I don't know if we can afford to cryo preserve our embryos.

We also talked about 3 day verses 5 day transfer. I want a 5 day transfer. If those embryos can make it 5 days in a petri dish then I am willing to emotionally commit to them.

I am stressed about the emotional and financial commitment. I am not feeling too good about jumping on this emotional roller coaster again.

Left Behind

Preface:

If you are a friend or family member and you know I am talking about you please don't be offended. I love you and don't want you to feel guilty or bad at all! I need this blog and I need to get these words out.... words I could never utter with my lips...only here in this refuge.

------

Today I received the greatest news!

A dear friend of mine is pregnant. She has been trying for a while, undergone some ART, and found out that she is pregnant!

I am overwhelmed with joy for her and her husband.

She feels a little guilty - you know survivor's guilt.

We've always joked about being pregnant together. She planned another ART cycle this month and we hoped that my upcoming IVF/ISCI in August would result in a conception and we would be pregnant together.

I am so happy for her but even more aware of my own pain and emptiness. She was the one person who knew what it's like to be on this side. And now she's gone.

My fear and trepidation about the upcoming cycle is even greater now. I really feel so overwhelmed with the thought of failure that it paralyzes me.

I know if I don't try it will never happen. Because you see it happens for everyone else except me.

Am I Really Doing This?

I made the call

CD 8 today. Start Lupron on CD 21

Scared shitless

It's a Little Like Playing Roulette

What number will it be?

What number will this Cycle end on?

Well we're in the "hopefully" last week of waiting.

Once I get this period there will be only one more period before IVF #2

I can't believe it is just around the corner.

I have a regular OBGYN appointment next week. I think I'll be ok. Last year I had a panic attack on the table, legs up, and speculum inserted and me freakin' out. It was way too soon to let anybody poke around down there.

So, I have a question. I've never had chicken pox. Should I get the vaccination? Both my brothers had the pox and I never got it. I even babysat a kid with it once and didn't get it. Just thinking about it.

Hope you're all have a lovely May!

P.S. Please pray from my cyster Spanglish she's unexpectedly pregnant!

Me Me Revisted

Becks tagged me for the Me, Me post.

Because I am a cranky infertile I shall refer you all to a previous post done 100 years ago when I was an innocent, unscathed, hopeful woman approaching my first IVF cycle.

http://mystrugglewithinfertility.blogspot.com/2006/01/me-me-me.html

Dream Baby

Last night I had the most amazingly real dream. I walked into my kitchen and there was a nurse bottle feeding an infant.

“I’ll feed him.” I said

The nurse handed me the baby but held onto the bottle.

“You won’t need this” she said pointing to my swollen breasts.

I walked into the living room and sat on our couch and looked down at my baby. He was a tiny little peanut with Harry’s wide set eyes that are the color of my father’s eyes, ice blue. My baby had a full hear of dark thick hair, like his mommy’s hair. His little wrinkled face reminded me of my beloved nephew’s infant face. He was warm, he was real, and he was mine. As I suckled my baby to my breast I was thinking..

“But the HPT said not pregnant. A (my SIL) is never going to believe this one. How, when did this happen.”

Then I woke up

Dream baby are you just a dream or are you a heavenly promise of things to come?

Dream baby please be real…

Reflections

I am doing fine after the last two weeks of emotional torture.

I am moving on. Now that my hormones are back to normal I feel much better. Thanks for all the support and all the wishing on stars. It's so great to know I have a place where I can share my insanity and know I'll be understood. You're really all I got. No one knows my tortured heart like you all do. Thank you friends.

So, Harry and I were in bed enjoying our normal Saturday ritual. Harry makes a pot of tea on Saturday mornings and brings me a cup in bed and we cuddle and watch crapped Saturday morning TV. I know the ROMANCE! Well this Saturday Harry was flipping when I saw an egg being ISCIed.

"Stop!" I cried, "That's IVF"

Why oh why did I need to watch yet another news brief on IVF. This one was poignantly appropriate as it was about IVF and obese women. Yes my friend I said obese. It turns out that women who are obese, over weight, or just plain fat have a harder time of getting pregnant through IVF. The hormone imbalance from the fat makes it difficult for embryos transfers to implant. GREAT! Just what I needed to hear after my crappy week!

That sent me into a downward spiral. I don't think IVF is ever going to work. I am just feeling so totally helpless and hopeless right now. Our impending August cycle seems doomed even before it begins. Maybe I need to wait and loose more weight (I've lost 30 lbs).

Why can't I get pregnant?

I don't know if I should try in August or wait.

If I am not trying I know I'll never get pregnant. I am just not sure on what to do.

The Pee Stick Has Spoken

NOT PREGNANT

AF still MIA

What is going on with my body? Please somebody tell me! Just when I was down to a 28 day cycle. I was so happy that my ovaries were working and I was cycling every 28 days. Now who knows what this means. I am giving it till Monday, then I am calling the RE.

**Update**
AF arrive at approximately 13:27 EST

Clueless

No AF yet.

I can feel her coming....

And, yet CD 29

Have I officially missed a period?

Can I think I am pregnant? Anyone felt period cramps and was actually pregnant?

The pendulum keeps swinging.

I am going to POAS tomorrow. I've officially made it to CD 29 without POAS so I can be proud.

The Pendulum Swings

Back to Psychosis

So I haven't had a cramp since Saturday 6 PO. Usually I am all cramped out here on DC 23 AF knocking on my cervix.

What is going on! I am so freaking out! I just want to know. This has been the most emotional 2ww since IVF #1.

So now I don't know.

I want to POAS so badly. After Pee Stick 100 got thrown into the garbage, I vowed never to POAS again until AF was a bonafide no show.

DEAR LORD HELP ME!

Diagnosis: Psychosis

Well I am pack down to earth.

Translation:
WTF was I thinking?

Cramps started...

period in T -minus 7 days....

Psychosis or Symptoms

I think maybe I am pregnant.

Ok, I wish I was pregnant.

For the first time since our IF diagnosis, Harry and I had sex during ovulation. It’s not like we were on strike, but this month, it was as if the stars had aligned.

I new I was ovulating. I am sure of it. Since I’ve upped my Met I’ve been having a 26 – 28 day cycle. With the exception of my March PCOS Period I’ve been pretty regular.

So Sunday was my O day and Harry and had one of the greatest intimate encounters of our marriage. It was earth shaking. It wasn’t until we were way into it that I realized, “HOLY SMOKES! I AM OVULATING”.

So for the past 5 days I’ve been doing the maybe baby dance – for the first time in 2 years.

Yesterday I started feeling nausea – not vomit – just persistent nausea – the way I feel when I take estrogen for an FET.

Today the heartburn started – like when I am on the PIO shots.

I am insane.

You’re the only people who understand my insanity. I am sure in 10 days I’ll get my period and be back in the blues.

But could it be possible… is there a chance that one of Harry’s lazy, misshapen, confused sperm found its way to my obstinate egg?

I’ve already goggled pregnancy symptoms and the due date calculator.

Is hoping that is happened worth the potential disappointment?

And if I am pregnant what will I say to all those people who told me to relax, cause damit I WAS relaxing!

The Comback

People say the crappiest things. I know that not everyone has evil intentions with their comments, but sometimes people really just need to keep their comments to themselves. Deep down I know people mean well. But you see most of us don’t live deep down. We live up here where words do hit harder than fists and one well meaning comment can send one of us into a spiral of emotional turmoil.

I believe preparation is the key. I am disgusted with my generic, lackadaisical response to these idiotic comments. The time has come to tell people the truth, to stop caring more for their self esteem and more for my emotional well being.

The following is what I like to refer to as my Stupid IF Comments 1st Aid Kit. I am developing my come backs for all those idiotic comments that people are bound to thoughtless toss at me more than likely trying to make themselves feel better than in an honest attempt to bring me some comfort.

The Well There’s Always Adoption Comment:
Actually, no. (pregnant pause {pun intended}) Adoption isn’t a cure for infertility. Children are not items that can replace one another. Adopting a child will not erase all the emotional and physical pain of infertility. We will always be infertile. While adoption is a very wonderful path to parenthood it is NOT a cure for the inability to conceive a child with your spouse. And right now it’s not an option for us.

The Just Relax Comment:
Relax? That’s it? You mean if my husband relaxes his abysmal sperm will mover faster, in a straight line, and copiously reproduce! Geez Lousie, I am calling my doctor right away! I wonder if relaxation works for cancer patients too.

The I Knew Someone Who Comment:
Really (in an incredulous tone), I actually Goggled that one and it’s an Urban Legend.

As you can see it's a starter kit. Composed of the bare IF survival essentials. The Kit will grow as I encounter more and more people. Please feel free to use my 1st Aid Kit as needed. I appreciate any suggestions you may have or perhaps you have your own Kit and would like to compare its contents.

Remember a Baby Scout is always prepared.

Do It Yourself Conception Kit

Ok, I have to talk about this.

Have you all heard of this First-At Home Conception Kit?

I am a little unsure about how I feel about this kit.

I wish it existed 3 years ago when we first started TTC.

and yet,

I feel that it may just be postponing couples from seeking the care of a professional RE.

One does need a prescription...

Maybe I am just bitter.

What are your thoughts?

Good Luck Mi Amiga

Well my good friend Bella is on the other side of her first IUI.

Welcome honey to my side I pray you'll have more sucess than me.

Give her some encouragement and wish her well-- she could use some support!

False Alarm

Looks like I jumped the gun!

28 day cycle ! HA!

My period is playing peek-a-boo and I think I am having what I lovingly refer to as a PCOS Period. All my cysters can relate-- you know that one where your hormones are so messed up your body doesn't know what to do.

Oh the joy!

Thankfully I am so jaded I haven't decided that this time I AM DEFINITELY PREGNANT and peed on 10 sticks waiting for one to tell me the answer I am looking for.

Peek - a- boo I don't see you!

28 Days Later

I just had my first 28 day cycle in 100 years!

Perhaps the new dosage of metformin or the recent weightloss (lost 18 lbs). Or perhaps it is a combination of both.

Whatever it is I'll take a 28 day cycle!

And The Award Goes To...

I am sitting here watching the O*cars...

And I am thinking there should be some awards or something for those of us going through infertility.

Here are some categories I've thought of:

Most eggs retrieved

Most blood drawn in a cycle

Best Valium high from transfer

Most tears shed over a BFN

Most hopeful

Most likely to jump off a bridge

I mean kids get trophies for playing all sorts of sports and science fairs. If I can't walk away with a baby I'd like something other than a sore bumm, an overflowing sharps box, and a maxed out credit card to show for my efforts.

What categories can you think of to award one another? I am interested to hear!

Oh, yeah I changed the blog a bit. This is pretty much the extent of my remodeling abilities. I had to change the name-- much simpler.

Update:
I had to add this update award idea from Town Criers

Best performance for getting through someone else's pregnancy annoucement.

I have SO been there! Unfortunatley my deer infront of headlights reaction probably wouldn't win any awards!

Gave It All Away

Well it's official.

I gave all my meds away.

I turned them into my RE's office to be given to any couple that doesn't have insurance and needs meds.

It was hard... put that follistim has been sitting in my fridge for nearly a year and I just couldn't bare to look at it and I couldn't let those precious meds go to waste.

If my meds aren't going to get me pregnant they have to get someone pregnant.

I did talk with Harry before I dropped off the meds. He is cool with waiting until August. He seemed a little disappointed but he completely supports me. I wasn't afraid to tell him about my decision but more afraid that telling him would make it real. Harry is already thinking about what if IVF never works for us. I think he's ready to move onto Foster care/adoption. I am not so ready. My sweet Harry is so supportive of my desire and lovingly follows me in our reproductive choices. I love my guy.

My infertile friend has her first IUI scheduled for March. She's using my RE. I went to the office with her (that's when I dropped off my meds). I really love my RE staff. It was nice to see them and they are all so supportive. No pressure from them at all to cycle again. I am really happy for her and hope she'll have success with her first ART procedure, unlike so many of us. It's hard to be hopeful for her because I know the pain and disappointment that come with ART. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

I love you all and hope all my new mommies hold your babies extra close tonight and remember all of us still in ART hell, and all my pregnant ladies are happy and still grateful for their success, and to all my gals still waiting...it sucks.

That pretty much sums it all up!

Secret Decision

I've made a secret decision.

I haven't discussed it with my husband yet.

Just my therapist.

Now I am going to confess to blogland...

I am not doing another fresh cycle until August.

I am not made of the same stuff some of you IVFers are. I can't jump from cycle to cycle -- disappoint met to disappointment. You're all so strong.

I know the odds say - more IVF cycles = greater chance of conception.

But I am still too broken.

For now I am concentrating on work and my health.

I am giving my meds to my clinic to give to a non-insured client. I can't look at them any longer.

I just have to find the courage to tell Harry. I don't know how he'll react.

Stand Back Woman Having Emotional Breakdown in Baby Aisle

It was a normal shopping experience at that store with the bulls eye logo.

Harry and I putter around the store picking up needed items.

Your normal average day.

Until I wonder over to the baby aisle. Normally I am okay in this often unknown territory, but if I go there looking for my little nephew, I usually have no problem.

I always love to pick him out little onesies with cool logos like:

Spit Happens

or

Bald is Beautiful

But on this day I saw this...

there it was, a little pink onesies. I was paralyzed and overwhelmed with emotions. This little pink snappy shirt thing brought me to an emotional ball of tears and snot in less than 2 seconds.

I took a picture with my camera phone. I wanted to buy it but have a major aversion to buying any personal baby products. So there is stayed. On its little baby hanger.

Little baby you are worth the wait.

I am just tired of waiting.

No News

We haven't heard a single thing about the possible adoption.

I am okay with that.

I sent a letter off but haven't heard back from either my brother's girlfriend (the cousin of the birth mother) or the birth mother.

It's a little dissappointing but no where near as heart breaking as a BFN.

We're okay, saddened by the lack of news, but okay.

I am working on improving my physical health. So far so good. Don't know when the next cycle will be. Most likely not until the summer or fall.

I am still reading you.

Dazed and Confused

Harry and I are still both in some sort of hazy dream world.

It's as if this is happening to someone else and we're merely observers.

Neither of us has really even considered that it will really happen.

I think we're operating under the, "Oh, wouldn't that be nice if..."

To scared to even consider the possibility.

We don't even use the "A" word. Instead we refer to it as "That Thing"

I can hear Harry's heart yearning to hope and wanting to jump feet first into excitement.

I sent a letter to the birth mother. I may post bits of the letter later.

Now we're in a 2ww of sorts.

New Year's Eve Miracle

I can't even believe my fingers are typing this post.

Harry and I were on our way to my parent's home for New Year's Eve when I got a phone call.

My brother's girlfriend wanted to know if Harry and I were interested in adopting her cousin's baby.

Her cousin, let's call her Jossie, is 17 in high school and planning on putting the baby up for adoption. All she wants is for the baby to go to a Christian Home.

Harry and I are shell shocked. We're still processing what this would mean. There's no guarantee that we would be chosen....

but....

the possibility.....

It's a boy - due in February....

Yeah, shell shocked.